


Don't Hesitate to Come Find Me

by valentinevar



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Cliffhangers, Dimension Travel, Dreams, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurts So Good, I Don't Even Know, Maybe I do know, Medical Examination, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Please let me know if you're enjoying it or if I am going off the deep end, Post-Canon, Pregnancy, Prophetic Dreams, Psychotropic Drugs, So much angst, Unplanned Pregnancy, too much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2018-12-13 23:16:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 97,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11770503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valentinevar/pseuds/valentinevar
Summary: After playing the April's fool DLC and having Zen break the 4th wall, MC (you, reader) makes a wish upon a star.





	1. Don't Hesitate to Come Find Me

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews and critiques are highly encouraged. Please be specific. English is not my first language so there may be some grammar issues, if you notice these, please let me know.

Art by Myetie. Please check out her art at http://www.myetie.me/

 

You looked at your phone with tears in your eyes. " _This is silly_ " you thought " _this is just a game_ ". An otome game, at that. The characters are basically programmed to love you, the MC. But still, you hadn't had a boyfriend for a while and you hadn't met anyone you were interested in. Work and school kept you busy and a recent move put you away from your friends and family. You hadn't really made friends in your area yet and you were a little ashamed to say this silly game had kept you company. More than kept you company, you had obsessed over it, even setting alarms on your phone to wake up and not miss the chats. You had played all the routes, loved and laughed with all the characters… especially Zen. He had been the first route you naturally fell into and despite disliking his constant narcissism at first… he grew on you. Your answers during his route were as close to your real answers as any of the other routes and you still got his good ending. And it didn't hurt that he showered you with love even when you were doing other routes. But more importantly, it felt as if the love he had for you was deeper than the others. It was silly, really, but he had sneaked his way into your heart.

When the April fools DLC came out, you rushed to purchase it, excited that it would be on Zen's birthday. As expected, the route was full of silliness; but you went into it like previous Zen routes, knowing that picking the answers you wanted would take you to the best ending - it always worked before. But then, the answers… kinda started to ring too close to home. As if you could almost tell him he was out of your reach. An ache in your heart pushed you to pick those answers, even though it felt you would hurt him. " _Nah. He's not real_ " you reminded yourself and pushed through **...come over to this world… You still have a long way to become real… You won't be able to come here anyways…**

And then, the ending hit you like a ton of bricks. Zen's epiphany broke your heart into a million tiny pieces. "My feelings for you have gotten so big for me to give up on them… just because we're in two different worlds" "If someone in that dimension gives you a hard time, just think of me. When you're bored and miss me too. I realized that our thoughts and feelings transcend dimensions."

You felt the tears going down your eyes. The deep ache in your heart. You looked down at your phone and saw his hand pressed against the glass of your screen. His eyes conveying the sadness that crushed your spirit.

You laid in bed afterwards and hugged your pillow, holding back the tears. " _If only..._ " Zen's sad smiled looked at you from the background of your phone. His words ringing in your ears " _I'm sure you think of me from time to time during your day. When you do, just remember. That's the moment my love's done the impossible to cross dimensions and reach you._ " With watery eyes, you fell asleep that night.

The next day you woke up sluggishly. You went to bed too late looking at MM's heartbreaking DLC. You kept thinking of Zen and his sweet, yet painful words. _I realized that our thoughts and feelings transcend dimensions. "If only…_ " You headed to work. Your day passed without any eventuality. You didn't open mystic messenger all day because you knew you'd go straight for Zen's route again and it would just break your heart again. You ached to hear his voice. _Why am I so… so nostalgic over a fictional guy. What is wrong with me…_ You got home that night, made dinner, and sat on the couch to watch TV but nothing could grab your eye. You wondered what Zen would be doing at this hour - he'd be working out. I'd join him. So you did. Shorts and pair of tennis shoes later and you were running down your neighborhood. Running, drowning your sadness with loud music, but Zen was persistently on your mind.

You reached a hill near your house and decided to hike it, despite it being dark out already. It took a solid half hour of hiking to reach the top, but once you were there, the stars looked brighter. You were out of breath at this point but felt invigorated, almost happy. You looked at the stars and thought of Zen again, wrapping your arms around yourself and imagining he held you. _"Don't hesitate to come find me."_ His voice resonated in her ears like buzzing fireflies in a swamp. _"I came to find you."_

At that moment a shooting star crossed the night sky. " _the same dimension…_ " An impossible wish, quicker than a heartbeat and barely long enough to become a phantom thought. _So silly…_ you thought. But shooting stars were for wishes, weren't they? The shooting star was gone in a blink after that. You smiled sadly, wondering what had gotten into you. You took a deep breath and sat on a rock, looking at the sky. I was April and the breeze at night was barely cold enough to be considered chilly. You'd be sore the next day but the run had helped you clear your head and you felt better for it. The sky looked beautiful that night so without thinking it much you layed down on the floor and just stared at the stars twinkle like diamonds tossed across the pitch black sky.

When you opened your eyes again, the sun was barely coming out. You were stiff as a board and your neck was killing you. Had you fallen asleep on top of that hill? Well, that was reckless, not to mention dangerous. You rubbed your neck and stretched your back. Everything was sore and you even felt dizzy. Probably dehydrated. Luckily you were fine, so you headed back down the hill. You usually weren't up early enough to notice the break of dawn but you looked into the sky and noticed the myriad of colors - you had to admit it was a beautiful sight. Almost as if someone had thrown paint over a light blue canvas. You looked at the floor, noticing the dirt seemed a perfectly brown color. That's was an odd thought. You shrugged it off and continued down, carefully avoiding small rocks that might cause you to lose your balance. Once you reached the street, you noticed everything seemed… pretty. The colors seemed livelier, the few cars on the road this early were driving in perfect unison, not a scratch on them. And then you realized… you didn't know where you were. Did you make a wrong turn going down the hill? You were fairly new to the area and didn't know it all that well. Your phone was dead so you couldn't put the GPS home. You figured you'd walk until you found someone or any store that may be open so you could orient yourself. But… which way to go. You started walking towards your left and nothing seemed familiar. _What the hell…_ You looked around, searching for anything you may recognize but nothing looked like home. Maybe it was because the sun hadn't really come out yet. You stood at a corner and looked around, even squinting your eyes trying to figure out any landmarks, anything, when a car stopped in front of you.

"Are you lost?" came a woman's voice from the rear window of the vehicle.


	2. I'm Happy that We Get to Meet at All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, critiques are super welcome! Please, if you notice any grammar or if you think something might sound better written in a different way, please let me know.

"Are you lost?" came a woman's voice from the rear window of the vehicle.

"Actually, yes, I am." you answered. "And my phone is dead so I can't use the GPS".

"Well, we can give you a ride if you want." she said, popping the door open and scooting over to the other end of the car. "I'm heading to the airport to pick up my boss but we're pretty early. We can spare a few minutes".

"Thank you so much. I have no idea how I ended up here" you said, getting into the car. "I really appreciate this. I am exhausted."

"No problem. I like to help if possible. Just give driver Kim your address and we'll drop you off." the woman said, looking at her phone.  _Driver Kim? Ha. What a coincidence._ And now that you thought about it, this woman had a striking similarity to Jaehee. Short hair, petite figure, business attire.  _Nonsense._

"Hi, good morning" you said to the driver. He replied in kind. "I live in [MC's address]. It shouldn't be too far. I went out for a jog and went up a hill… and I think I may have taken the wrong turn heading back down and maybe ended up in the other side of the hill? I just moved to this area."

"Miss, I can't find that address in our GPS system" the driver answered.

"Huh, did I say it wrong? I can't verify it since my phone is dead. I'm sorry" you thought, embarrassed. "Just drop me off at a gas station and I'll find my way from there. I hate to take up more of your time."

"Of course miss" driver Kim answered.

You sat back down and looked out the window, trying to see if you could recognize anything. But it was still somewhat dark out and this made it particularly hard. The woman was staring at her phone, likely texting or doing something for work. She really did remind her of Jaehee, how unusual.

A few blocks later, you saw a gas station approaching. The driver pulled in and you got out of the car after thanking them multiple times. You went into the store and headed towards the cashier but you spotted a charging station for electronics and walked straight towards it instead. You plugged your phone in and looked around the store. You grabbed a water bottle and noticed… honey buddha chips? What? Curious, but too early for chips. You checked your phone again and it had barely charged enough to turn it back on. You hit the power button and the first thing your phone does is update the MM app, triggering it to open immediately after. 1 missed call, 2 new text messages, and 5 emails. Huh. And a new chatroom was open. You didn't remember starting a new route so why so many notifications? And the hourglass bar and hearts were gone. You opened the chat room and saw Jaehee online. She greeted you with a "Good morning, you're up early" but when you went to answer, rather than options, you got a keyboard instead. Like a regular texting app. Woah.  _Nice update!_ Curiosity got the better of you and rather than look up your address you decided to reply.

 **Jaehee** : Good Morning MC, you're up early.

 **MC** : You're also up early. Did you eat breakfast?

 **Jaehee** : I had a snack. I am at the airport with driver Kim waiting for Mr. Han to arrive.

 **Jaehee** : (눈_눈)

 **Jaehee** : His plane is delayed so we will be waiting for a little while.

That… was weird coincidence. So similar to what the lady who gave you a ride this morning said she was doing. Huh. You were fascinated by the ability to send your own messages though. You couldn't wait to test it out on the other members. Especially Zen. For a second, you forgot you were lost and standing at a gas station. You looked through your phone but couldn't find the app where you had stored your address. Had you deleted it? This was a problem. At least you didn't have to call off work since it was the weekend. You wondered to what extent this app could recognize what you said with the new update. You picked your words carefully, conscious that likely the app would not pick up things if you didn't "sound like MC".

 **MC** : Oh no! Hopefully it won't be very delayed.

 **MC** : I went for a run and got lost. Now I can't find my way back to Rika's apartment.

 **Jaehee** : What?

 **Jaehee** : (ʘᗩʘ')

 **Jaehee** : Driver Kim and I just gave a ride this morning to a girl who got lost while jogging. She couldn't remember her address and we dropped her off at a gas station instead. Was that you?

When you read Jaehee's response you almost dropped your phone.  _This can't be real._ You picked your phone again and read everything.  _I must be dreaming._ But everything felt so real. You turned around and looked at the Honey Buddha chips again. You made your way to a magazine stand and read the headlines "Echo Girl cast on new movie" and another "Glam Choi seen with high executive".  _I must be dreaming -_ you thought. Regardless, your heart did a somersault. Who knew how long this dream would last and how long you'd be able to control it… so you did what you wanted to do the most. You called Zen. And it went straight to voicemail.  _It's 6:30 am, he might not be up yet_. You called him again, hoping to wake him.  _Please, don't let me wake up before I see him -_ you said to yourself while hearing the phone dialing his number.

"Honey~, I was sleeping" His voice resonated lazily over the phone. Then you heard him yawn. Everything went quiet, but there were no options on the phone screen for you to pick an answer. "Babe? Are you there?" You heard him say again "Did you just want to hear my voice? Are you okay?" Zen said, his voice picking up some concern from not hearing you.

"Zen" you said, your voice shaky. "Can… you hear me?" Even if this was a dream, you felt silly talking into the phone to a game app.

"Babe? I can hear you. Are you okay?" His voice started to sound concerned. "Is something wrong?"

"I…" what could you possibly say but the same thing you told Jaehee. "I got lost. I went out for a run and can't find Rika's apartment. Can you come get me?"

"What?" You heard Zen say, surprise in his voice. "Yeah, I can come get you honey~. Tell me where you are."

You went and asked the guy in the gas station for directions and told Zen over the phone. You had no idea how long this dream would last but you knew this - your heart had never beat faster. You went to the ladies room and saw yourself in the mirror - You were a mess. Your clothes were dirty from sleeping in the dirt, your hair was disheveled, the back of your legs and arms were dirty. Crap. You wondered if you could dream "magic" a change of clothes but nothing happened so you settled for the next best thing - trying to clean the dirt off using the sink. After about 10 minutes of you trying to get the dirt off your legs and little tree branches off your hair, you looked somewhat decent. Not what you'd want to wear to meet Zen but you didn't care. He was coming to get you.

You went outside the ladies room and waited by the charging station, staring at your phone intensely. You were so nervous you didn't even want to try texting Jaehee (who you didn't even say bye to before you closed the app to call Zen) but you'd apologize later. You bought some minty gum and kept fiddling your fingers.  _Maybe I am awake and this app is just messing with me._ But the answers were too real - you told him where the gas station was and he said he'd come. And the magazines. And the chips. It had to be a dream.  _Or another dimension?_

Suddenly the door of the gas station opens and… there he is. A 6 ft tall vision in a leather jacket. Long silvery hair on a ponytail, fair skin, and the most handsome face you'd ever seen. Motorcycle helmet under his right arm, cellphone on the left. He looked around the gas station but didn't notice you right away so he looked at his phone instead. You were holding your breath and you could hear your heart beating out of control in your chest but you couldn't find it in you to stop ogling him. Then your phone started ringing in your hands, catching you by surprise and causing you to drop the phone in shock. You managed to see  _Incoming call from Zen_ before the phone hit the floor. You looked at the phone and then back to him. The noise made him look in your direction. He smiled. He saw you, and he smiled.


	3. I hope you're not making a sad face. I'm smiling

"MC?" he said, walking towards you. He looked at you and took a deep breath, still smiling "I can't believe you're real. I… kinda had this theory you were a program seven wrote into the app to trick all of us."

"I… I guess I am real" you managed to say with a trembling voice. "But  _I_  can't believe you're real" you said, your hands aching to touch him.

"Why would you think I am not real?" Zen said, smiling "You could see my DVDs and magazines. Or did you think I was someone else pretending to be me? Maybe I am just too handsome for your eyes"

"You might be" you said, trying to breathe normally.  _Breathe. Breathe. I want to touch him._

"So where do I take you MC" Zen said, tapping his helmet.

"Your place?" you blurted out, blushing immediately after when you saw him raise his eyebrows in surprise. "I- I don't know where Rika's apartment is but maybe we can hang out until I can get a hold of seven?"

"Are you sure that's why you want to go to my place?" he said with the luscious tone you always imagined him to have.

You stared at him and smiled, knowing your face was still pretty flushed, but refusing to answer his lewd suggestion. Perhaps not answering was answer enough. But you knew all along what you wanted to do before this dream was over. You took his helmet and added "Let's go".

He had an extra helmet on his bike but he had to wear it - you had put his on and you could smell his cologne - a mix of fresh citrus with a oaky undertone. You breathed it in and ingrained it in your brain. You'd never forget this smell. This was him. He got on the bike and signaled you to get on. You did and you wrapped your arms around him. Your jaw dropped when you felt the firmness and creases of his abdomen through his shirt where his leather jacket opened.  _This is unreal._ You were glad you were wearing the helmet because your expression was likely incredibly embarrassing. Still, you had to bit your upper lip to keep from shuddering from excitement. He started the motorcycle and accelerated, going rather fast. You weren't used to riding motorcycles and despite trying to keep your cool you tighten your hold on him, pressing your chest against his back. You could have swore you felt him gasp but it was probably just your imagination.

When you reached his apartment you just looked around, without saying much.

"Honey~ did you eat breakfast?" he said, once he walked into his place and closed the put his helmet on his table, turned around, and found him standing right behind you. You just couldn't take it anymore. This dream could be over any second now and you hadn't even kissed him. You had waited enough. All at once, you raised yourself to the tip of your toes, pressed your body against his, and put your hands around his neck, pulling him towards you to press your lips against his.

His lips were unbelievably soft, softer than you could have ever imagined. Your arms slipped up to wrap behind his neck, settling there to hold him. You felt him relax and sink into your body, leaning down to reach you. His arms enveloped your waist. His lips moved, ever so slightly to part yours and you taste him. A taste of fresh mint and something sweet you can't quite place. A taste of Zen. You feel insatiable and push for more. You part his lips and invade his mouth with your tongue, swirling to explore him. His hands trail down to your buttocks and before you notice it he's grabbed a handful and he's lifting you up, allowing your legs to wrap around his torso. You do it instinctively but now you feel his rippling abdomen against you and it makes you want to devour him. Your hands move and settle on the neck of his leather jacket, pulling at the edges. You break the kiss to catch your breath and stare at him, if only for a moment. It is the most exhilarating second of your life. His cheeks are tinted with a rosy hue, his eyes are glossy, and his breath is raggedy. He is a vision of silvery hair and scarlet eyes. This was the best dream you ever had and you never wanted to wake up.

"MC... " he whispers, barely moving his lips.

"I love you" you whispered back to him. You take a deep breath and rest your forehead against his. Even though you were in his arms and close enough to feel the warmth of his breaths, you still felt an emptiness in your heart. You knew this wouldn't last. You knew that you'd wake up. And now, having met him, tasted him, felt the softness of his skin, of his lips… It would make it all that much more unbearable to wake up and not have him.

"I love you MC…" he says, this time putting you back on the floor so you stand in front of him. His expression beautifully puzzled "MC… what is wrong? You're… crying" he says, running his finger through your cheek to wipe away a tear. You had not realized a tear had escaped your eyes but once you blinked you felt two more slide down your cheeks. You wiped them out on your own,

"I'm sorry, I… didn't mean to cry." She didn't want to burden him with the dread of their temporary meeting. "I'm just so happy" you said, trying to smile the pain away. You were happy, you were here. You were unbelievably happy. "I must be tired. I got lost jogging last night and slept on a hill" you said, trying to make light of the situation.

"What?" Zen said, with concern in his eyes. "You must be so tired, why don't you take a nap, relax, and I'll make you some breakfast MC"

"No" you said, quickly crossing out his suggestion. "I don't want to sleep". You murmured. You were afraid sleeping might wake you up from this dream. This wonderful dream.  _I never want to leave your side._ You thought to yourself, wrapping your arms around his torso and burying your head on his chest.. What he nervous around you? Fresh citrus with a sharp oaky undertone. He smelled so good. You could hear his heart beating. It was rather fast.

"Well… at least let me make us some breakfast. We can't skip meals MC" he said, you weren't looking at his face but you could hear the smile on his words. You kinda chuckled at the thought. He really does care about eating proper meals. You nodded your head yes and he kissed the top of your head, separating from your embrace and walking towards the kitchen. He took off the leather jacket and tossed it over a chair casually. He rubbed his neck deep in thought, likely thinking about what to cook. You noticed the sharp biceps on his arms when he reached for his neck and wanted to gasp. You were ogling him again.

"Where's the restroom?" You asked. You had to get some control over yourself.

"Right around the corner babe. There's clean towels there if you want to shower." he said. Shower?

You walked over to the restroom and took a look at yourself. You really had gotten most of the dirt out at the gas station but with the better lighting in Zen's bathroom you could tell the back of your tank top and your shorts were dirty. There was still even some dirt on your skin around the back of your shoulders and behind your neck. Gross. This dream was awfully realistic. You closed the door, stripped off, and jumped in the shower. You were pleasantly surprised to find conditioner and body wash - citrus smell. You somehow always figured men probably used one of those shampoo/soap combos they sell at grocery stores, but Zen took care of himself. You washed, you rinsed, you got out of the shower. You wrapped a towel around yourself and with minimal search you found a hair blow dryer. You dried your hair as quickly as possible and noticed some body lotion - citrus. You smiled. He liked his citrus.

You took a look at your clothes and noticed they were filthy. They looked a lot worse once they were off. Well… This wasn't one of those dreams where you found yourself naked in front of an audience but you couldn't very well put those back on. You opened the bathroom door and smelled food. You took a look around and noticed Zen's bedroom was the door in front so you sneaked into his bedroom to look for some clothes. Uhm. Men's clothes. Surely he wouldn't mind you wearing his clothes but what to pick. Underwear? Better not. You looked through a few drawers and found a tank top that was too long but it could make do. The arm holes certainly showed some sideboob. In another drawer you found some sport shorts and threw those on as well. You looked at yourself in the mirror and it was terrible. You laughed. You meet the man of your dreams in your dreams and you are not wearing anything nice. You took a couple of steps and the shorts reached your thighs before you had to catch them. They were too big. You took the whole outfit off, wrapped yourself in the towel again, and looked through his closet. You noticed a collection of turtle neck sweaters and coats. You could wear a coat but they not only seemed like they would be huge on you but also it seemed rather naughty to wear nothing but a coat. You spotted some button down shirts and threw one of those on. It was long enough to cover everything and it looked better. Even then, you went through his underwear and grabbed a pair of boxer briefs. You thanked your lucky stars they stayed on relatively well. This would have to do.

You stepped back outside and walked over to the kitchen, where he was just about to put the food on the table. He turned and saw you wearing one of his button down shirts and it stopped him right in his tracks. He almost dropped the plate he was holding.

"I hope you don't mind" you said, trying to look coy. You knew men found this look attractive and from the look he gave you he seemed to like it. "My clothes were too dirty after I showered so I took something yours."

"Seeing you like that... " he said, taking in the sight of you in his clothes. "I don't mind. I don't mind at all" he added, placing the plates on the table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will probably... finally be explicit.


	4. Even if I Can Never Touch You

You sat down to eat with Zen. You had not realized this but you were actually kind of hungry. _I wonder how satisfying eating in dreams can be._ You noticed Zen taking discrete peaks of your legs while eating and it made you gloat. But then again, you barely took your eyes away from him. You mentioned the food was good, he mention his habit of cooking for himself so he could eat healthy. When you were done eating, you picked up the plates and washed them. He finished cleaning the rest of the kitchen and stood behind you while you finished drying the last plate. He wrapped his arms around you and just… inhaled your neck, giving you goosebumps.  

“You smell like me” he said, moving your hair out of the way so he could kiss your neck. Your hand slowly reached up to him and nestled on his nape. No more waiting. You turned around and kissed him again, except this time it was no longer a press of lips that gradually turned to more. This time it was as if you had been holding your breath all your life and you were finally able to breathe. He kissed you back with the same fiery passion and before you knew it he had lift you again and sat you on the kitchen counter, standing between your legs. You instinctively moved your hands down his torso and pulled his shirt up, which had him stop to remove it, tossing it to the side. You looked down at him and let your eyes sank into his beauty. You had never even seen men like this on magazines, he was perfect. He kissed you again and moved his head down, kissing your chin, your neck, your collarbone. You moved  your head back to give him room and you unbuttoned the first two buttons of the shirt you were wearing. Another button would expose your breasts but once you got there he grabbed your hands and put them on the counter, holding them in place as he kissed the upper area of your chest.

“MC” he said, his lips barely moving. “Are you sure?” barely a whisper. He looked up at you, his chin almost resting on your chest. His crimson hued irises took your breath away,  glossy from desire, yearning, and devotion. A hunger only you could satisfy.

“Yes” you said, nodding with a smile on your face. It was all you had been waiting for.

His hands moved to the shirt you were wearing, working the buttons faster than you had. When he finished all of them he opened the shirt slowly, admiring the creamy paleness of your breasts. He couldn’t help but press his lips to one of them, testing, licking around your right nipple, causing moans to escape your lips. He finished pulling the shirt off your upper limbs, leaving you in nothing but his boxer briefs. Once your arms were free you grabbed his hair and freed his hair off his ponytail. Velvety silver strands cascaded down to your chest and you ran your dainty fingers through them. His lips moved to your other breast, his left hand now caressing your the breast that first occupied his lips. You gasped again when a hint of teeth grazed your nipple, only softly teasing but causing a wave of pleasure through your spine that arched your back. You grabbed a handful of his hair and pulled back his head, forcing him to look up at you.

You acknowledged his expression, his desire, his lust. _His beast._ You kissed his lips again, the sweet nectar of Zen you could never drink too much of. He took you off the counter you had been sitting on and carried you to his bedroom, laying you on the bed and stopping to admire you. You propped yourself up on your elbows and smiled at him, admiring him as he wore nothing but his pants. He placed his knee on the bed and caressed your legs, but your eyes were transfixed to his torso. This was the first good look you had of his naked upper body. The fairness of his skin, the pearly character of his abdomen, perfectly chiseled, like a statue… _like a plaster bust_. You smiled, more than that, you chuckled. This was true joy, looking at the perfect man and being able to smile freely.

He questioned your chuckle with his eyes and you dismissed it with your expression. You didn’t have time to explain nor did you want to get side tracked. You kneeled up on the bed and took your hands to the top of his pants unbuttoning them. You start to pull them and his boxers down when he takes over and removes the offending pieces of clothing, his hard member springing to freedom as he undressed in front of you. You ogled him again, it was unbelievable how perfect he was.

“You really are a mistake from the gods” you said, giving him a smile. You motioned for him to come closer and he obeyed shamelessly, confidently, _beautifully_. Every muscle in his body moved gracefully, every time he touched your body it was sensual, nothing short of perfect. You reached down and grabbed his hard member, caressing it with your hand, stroking him gently.

“Princess” he moaned as you pleasured him. You could see the need in his eyes and you could hardly wait much longer. You kissed him and bit his lower lip, still stroking his hard member in your hand.

“Let the beast out” you whispered, looking at him with a grin on your lips and desire in your eyes. He chuckled as he accepted your request, your demand.

As soon as you said that, he pinned you down to the bed, making you lose your grip on his shaft. He positioned himself between your legs and trusted against you, rubbing against you through the fabric of the boxers you were still wearing. The motion alone sent a shiver down your spine, made you moan in anticipation. He kissed your neck again and headed lower, kissing your breasts, your ribs, your belly button. He headed lower and teased your inner thighs, causing you to gasp in impatience.

“Zen” you pleaded with him, begging with your tone.

“Princess” he answer, this time not quite responding to your command. He wanted you, and he wanted to take his time to enjoy you, enjoy all of you. He finally made a motion to remove the boxers you were wearing and you helped him arching your back and tossing them off with your legs. He ran his hands through your inner thighs, spreading them, kissing them. Circling around your womanhood with his lips until he ran his tongue from your entrance to your clitoris, stopping at the latter to apply pressure. You cried out as he lapped your most intimate area. His tongue ran circles around your clitoris, pressing, flicking, making you involuntarily squirm under his touch until he grabbed your hips and held you still, just to give you more pleasure. He pushed his tongue inside of you, tasting you, driving you to the edge of sanity. You squealed in delight as he delivered you past the brim to an orgasm you felt on every inch of your skin. You pulled his hair, moving his head from your most intimate location so you could recover and catch your breath, your skin being so sensitive now from this attentions.

Zen didn’t give you much chance to recover, however, because as you regained your breath he positioned himself in your entrance and pushed in, slowly at first, giving you a few seconds to acclimate yourself to him. You were so slick from his attentions he found little resistance, only his size kept him from shoving himself inside of you. But you wanted him, you wanted all of him, so you helped him in by wrapping your legs around him and pushing him in, speeding his hesitance. As he buried himself inside you, his length brought his face to meet yours again, your lips instantly attracted to each other like magnets, devouring each other. He began to trust in and out of you, the most devilishly feeling of fullness and desire building inside you. You never wanted this to end. Your hips moved against his, almost to a perfect rhythm. Before you knew it, you had ran your hands down his back, touching, caressing, you wanted to feel all of him. At the end of his back, you found a handful of his buttock that you were barely able to reach but you held on, pushing him faster inside of you.

“Hyun!” you cried out, as another orgasm rippled through you with waves of ecstasy. You don’t know how it happened but you ended up biting his shoulder. Perhaps you were kissing his neck and you had travelled down his scapula, but never the less, your teeth were against his skin as you rode your orgasm. But it didn’t slow him down, if anything he went faster, pushing harder, as your inner walls closed in on him until he reached his own peak, releasing his seed inside you. He almost collapsed on top of you after if not for his elbows, keeping him from completely smothering you with his weight. He placed gentle kissed on your neck and chest as he regained his breath. You moved your hands to his head again, playing with his the strands of his hair that pooled around you. He was still inside you when his lips found yours again. A gentle kiss this time. A kiss that signified love and devotion, ultimate happiness.

He rolled to his side, sliding out of you, and laid on his back. A film with pearly beads of sweat covering his skin as his breathing began to relax. He was a vision of creamy white skin and silvery hair against the white sheets of his bed, an angel on earth. An angel on this bed that you were in. An angel that loved you and had just given you the best dream you ever had.

“Princess, I…” he started “I actually had a dream last night that I would meet you” he said, running his fingers through your hair as he rolled on his side, facing you. You scooted over to him lying on your side and pressed your body against his, embracing him, looking into his eyes.  His smile was perfect. It looked chiseled out of porcelain. He continued “But I didn’t think it was real. I didn’t believe my own dreams.” he moved a strand of hair away from your face. “On my birthday I dreamt you were in another dimension and I could never meet you. Somehow, that one felt more real… but I’m glad it wasn’t. I have never been happier in my life than I am now with you” he chuckled “I even once thought you were programmed by Seven into the app and felt like the biggest idiot for falling in love with a program”

Your breath trembled. You couldn’t tell him. This was your dream and you couldn’t tell him. The moment was perfect, his hold on you, his words, his smile. _His smile._ You never wanted to be the cause of that smile fading. You never wanted to cause him pain, like you had picking those choices on his birthday, bringing to light that you were in different dimensions, that this was just a dream. But you could only hold back your own pain so much and before you knew it tears were rolling down your eyes again.

“Honey~ what’s wrong?” he said, holding you even closer, wrapping your arms around you and nestling your head in his chest, as if he could protect you with his body from waking up from this dream.

“I’m just so happy to be here with you, I just… I just can’t contain my happiness” you said, but your words haltered, your breath ragged, they just weren’t tears of happiness.

“No, something is wrong” Zen said, moving to look into your eyes “Don’t lie to me, princess”. Those crimson irises could penetrate your soul.  

“I…” how could you break this perfect moment. You should have better control than this. You should enjoy this dream for what it was, your perfect escape from reality to be with Zen. “I can’t” You whispered, moving away from him. You just couldn’t do this to him. You couldn’t do it to yourself. You knew he’d say something amazing, you knew he’d say something beautiful and it would just make him even more perfect. You should just wake up already from this dream. It was as perfect as it was going to be. You got up from the bed and walked towards the bathroom, leaning over the sink. You heard him calling out your name and you asked him for a minute. You took a deep breath, opened the sink, and splashed water on your face. Perhaps that would wake you. Then you realized you had already taken a shower and that hadn’t woken you up. Perhaps sleep would, so you went back to bed and saw him lying there, a god in white sheets, looking at his phone.

“Jaehee was worried something happened to you since you suddenly didn’t reply her texts.” Zen said “I just told her you were here with me and you were fine” he said “Come back to bed with me, princess” he said, moving under a blanket. It was roughly 11am but you went back into the bed with him, letting him embrace you again. “Please tell me what’s wrong, I can handle it” he said, kissing your forehead.

“I’m worried I can’t handle it” you said, a whisper barely noticeable.

“Please” Zen pleaded with you.

“This… being here with you. This is a dream.” You said, closing your eyes. “I will wake up and this will all have been a dream.” you whispered. “I can’t bear the thought of never seeing you again. Of waking up in another dimension and not being able to touch you, to kiss you”

“But MC, we are together right now” he said, lacing your fingers with his. “I am real, you are real, and we’re together in the same dimension. Before, when I dreamed we were separated, I couldn’t see you, I only saw you through a glass and it was… it was different. It was not this” He took your hand and placed it over his chest. “Feel my heart right now. It  is real. I am real. We are real and together. And if we weren’t, my love would reach you in any dimension you were”

“Yes, you’re right” You said, nodding in agreement. You closed your eyes and felt his heart beating. You moved in closer to him and rested your head on his chest. You exchanged “I love you’s” and you kissed him again, before lying in his arms. “ _If only”_ you thought. Before you knew it, sleep had washed over you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably not the end of this story. Please leave me a comment if you are enjoying it so I know to continue. Critiques are highly appreciated. Please, please, please, if you see any grammar problems, let me know and I will correct it.   
> I want to improve my writing so I accept all constructive criticism. Tell me what you enjoy and what you don't enjoy. 
> 
> Thank you!


	5. I Could Feel Your Truth Beyond the Screen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There is some medical stuff that is as realistic as I could make it and I'd like to think it is pretty accurate (I work in the medical field and I used to work in an Emergency room. I've seen A LOT). If you don't like that kind of stuff, please be warned. It is not very graphic, if anything just kind of gross.

You woke up with a pounding headache and the worst dizziness spell you ever had in your life. You hadn’t even opened your eyes and you could feel the world spinning around you. Then you felt the contents of your stomach hurling up and you immediately sat up, emptying your stomach of the offending food. The vomit came at such a high pace you almost choked on it.  What the hell. You caught your breath and looked around you. The first thing you saw were the half-processed contents of your food which made you gag again. You saw dirt, trees, and the night sky.  Your ears were buzzing and you felt completely disoriented. 

_ Where the hell am I?  _ You got up and found  your phone next to you, playing music on your headset, almost out of battery. You got up and the world spinned around you again so you leaned against a tree, trying to keep from falling. When you looked past the hill you recognized one of the buildings, the one near your house.  _ Oh, I fell asleep on the hill.  _ You turned around and stumbled back to your house feeling miserable, physically and emotionally. 

You got home after what felt like the longest walk of your life. You drank about a gallon of water, you felt so parched and dehydrated. Of course this made the nausea worse and all the water went right back up a few minutes later. You gave up on drinking water so you stepped in the shower and almost slipped. Everything was still spinning so you sat down and let the water run on you while you tried to compose yourself. You looked up and felt the water droplets running down your face. You thought of Zen and remembered the best dream you ever had. You smiled.

And then you cried. 

 

After getting yourself together you finally stepped out of the shower. The water had long started to run cold and you were trembling when you stepped out. You dried yourself off, threw on a shirt, and went in bed, sinking into a deep sleep. You woke up hours later, groggy from sleep, but still feeling quite terrible.  At least things weren’t spinning as much but you still felt pretty nauseous. You had never felt so shitty so you decided to go to the Emergency room around the corner of your house.

“So you say you passed out on a hill last night and woke up with a bad headache, nausea, dizziness,  emesis…” the doctor repeated back to you after you told him the story of what had happened. “Well, miss MC, it seems like you may have overexerted yourself, fallen, and given yourself a concussion. I’d like to get a CT scan of your brain to rule out any swelling” the doctor said. “Follow my finger with your eyes” he moved his fingers in front of your face from side to side “Yeah you have a very noticeable left lateral nystagmus… you must have hit your head pretty bad. Let’s give you some fluids, something for the nausea, and we’ll get you that CT scan, ok?”  he said, before walking out of the room. 

You rested your head in your arms and breathed slowly, worried that breathing too quickly may even make you throw up again. A nurse came by and hooked you to an IV for fluids and some IV nausea medicine. You felt a little better. After a while though, boredom got the better of you so you grabbed your phone and launched mystic messenger. You hadn’t launched a route since you last played the April Fool’s DLC. You opened the gallery and found Zen’s pictures.  _ You looked just like this in my dreams…  _ you thought a smile creeping on your lips… followed by tears on the corners of your eyes.  _ Fuck. I can’t keep doing this to myself.  _ You closed the app and put your phone down, laying on your side facing away from your phone, curling up to a fetal position as you held back the urge to cry. You could almost imagine Zen curling up on a hospital bed with you, worried you may be sick, worried the nurses were taking too long to come help you, caressing your back, just… comforting you.

_ “Princess”  _ you heard, clear as day, and your eyes shot wide open and you sat up immediately, almost rolling off the hospital bed. You looked around desperately but you were alone in the room. You laid back down and covered your eyes with your hands.  _ What is wrong with me.  _

The hospital kept you overnight. After a few other tests and after having CT results available, you were discharged home with instructions and some medicine. There was no swelling in your brain or anything to serious. The nystagmus had resolved and you had been able to have some oatmeal for breakfast that didn’t immediately hurl back up. You felt confident you’d fare well at home on your own. Even then, you called off work for the next few days so you could recover. Once home, you got a little work done but sitting in the computer gave you a headache so you went to grab something to drink and sat on the backyard. It was already getting dark out. You laid back on your patio furniture and watched the color of the sky go from a light blue, to orange, purple, red, and finally pitch black. 

Despite swearing off mystic messenger a few days ago, you don’t know what got into you that you opened the app again and went to the chat log of the darn DLC that broke your heart.

 

You closed your eyes and held the phone to your chest, remembering that dream you had. Remembering how he smiled when he first saw you. His hair pooling around you when he held you in his arms, the feeling of him  _ inside you _ . You opened your eyes and you stared at the night sky again, feeling as if your heart would shrivel up within your chest. Just when you were considering going back in the house to lie in bed, you saw a shooting star vanish across the sky and your heart fluttered again, making the same wish you had before.  _ I’m hopeless.  _

 

You woke up in bed a few hours later really needing to use the restroom. You got out of bed and didn’t bother to turn the light on - you knew your house so well you could walk around with your eyes closed. Except when you headed around the bed you stubbed your toe on the edge of your bed.  _ Ugh.  _ You walked towards to bathroom door but hit a wall instead.  _ What?  _ You looked for the light switch but couldn’t find it so you headed back to the bed and grabbed your phone, turning on the flashlight.  _ This wasn’t your room.  _ Your heart began racing. You looked at the bed and it was empty. You looked for a light and turned it on, recognizing Zen’s room. Your heart did a summersault. You went out of the room and yelled out his name. No answer. You went to use the restroom and grabbed your phone shortly after, noticing it was around 11pm. Zen would be... working out? You didn't care, you called him immediately. 

“MC?!” he said, with a tone of urgency on his voice. “Are you alright? Where are you?” his tone startled you. 

“I’m at your place?” you said, unsure of his reaction. “Where are you?”

“I went for a run, don’t leave, I’ll be right there princess” he said, before hanging up the phone. You literally squealed of excitement and threw your hands in the air. You’d get to see him again. Another great dream. You couldn’t wait to see him, to kiss him, to catch that smell of citrus in his hair. You threw yourself in his bed again and grabbed one of his pillows, inhaling the scent. _Citrus._ _Manly. Zen._ Your heart was getting ready to beat out of your chest and you couldn’t stop smiling. You grabbed your phone and started at his picture. You jumped in the RFA chatroom but no one was online. You shrugged it off and put your phone aside. You heard keys at the door when your phone started ringing again. 

_ Incoming call from Zen.   _

“Zen?” you answered. “Are you at the door?”

“Yeah, where are you? I thought you said you were here?” Zen said, as you heard footsteps in the living room. 

“Yeah, I’m in your room” you said, sitting up on his bed. You barely finished saying that when he stood in his doorframe with his phone held to his ear. He was breathing heavy, as if he had just ran all the way to his apartment. “Hi” you said to him, putting the phone down. Just seeing him made you beam. He stared at you incredulously. “Zen?” 

“Where had you been?!” He exclaimed, almost yelling at you. It startled you, freezing you in place. You had been about to run to his arms but his reaction made you nervous. He saw your hesitance and walked over to you and kneeled at the end of the bed putting his head in your lap and his arms around your torso. “I was so worried you were hurt. I was so worried something happened to you. I even thought… I thought I went too far last time you were here and that you hated me, that you didn’t want to see me again.” He was holding you so tightly. You were speechless.  _ This is weird. Why would a dream be mad at me for not… dreaming?   _ He continued on “And I had a dream you were sick and you were in the hospital but I couldn’t… I couldn’t touch you, I couldn’t comfort you, and you were crying, and I called for you, Princess, but you were alone. I felt so… powerless” 

This was surreal. You looked at Zen’s head as he laid on your lap and moved your hand to his hair. You touched him. He felt so real, just like last time. You played with his hair and caressed him. You wanted to comfort him but you felt a knot at the top of your throat. What could you say to him? 

“Princess, please, talk to me. Tell me what happened” he said, looking up at you. He begged you for answers. 

“I… I… “ you started, but the lump in your throat made you choke on your own words. Then you saw him, you really saw his face. He was puffy, his eyes were red, and he had bags under them. He still looked beautiful but you could tell he had been worrying, he hadn’t been sleeping well, he had been  _ crying.  _ You slid off the bed and knelt in front of him, embracing him, hiding your face from him. “I’m sorry” where the only words you were able to utter out. If you said more, you’d be crying inconsolably and that was not how you wanted to spend what little time you had with him before you woke up. He wrapped his arms around you so strongly and lowered his head to the corner of your neck, as if he could absorb all of you in a hug. You could feel him breathing heavy, as if he was holding his emotions back as well. 

“I woke up and you were just... gone” he whispered in your ear. “Like you had never been here”

_ I’m losing my mind.  _

“I was here” you said desperately. “I was here. You touched me. You kissed me. We made love. I was here” you said. And it was like something in your brain clicked.  _ You were here.  _

_ And you were here now.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh I'm sorry for all the angst and no sin. I'm working on the next chapter. There's an 80% chance that one will have sin. We'll see. 
> 
> Critiques and comments are super welcomed! please tell me what you think! And let me know if you catch any grammar errors!


	6. I’m Here Because I Truly Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally missed the deadline I gave myself for this chapter but it just kept getting longer and longer. Hopefully you will enjoy it!

Zen held you so tightly you would not have been able to get away from him, even if you tried. But you didn’t try. In fact, you likely were holding him just as closely. _I’m here. I’m with him._ You took in the way he smelled, as you felt his arms around you, his warm breath on against the skin of your neck. An eternity came and went while you were in his arms and it was still not long enough. Eventually, however, he broke the silence.

“Princess, please…” he begged again. You knew he wanted answers that you didn’t have for him.

“I… I don’t know” you managed to breathed out. He pulled you away and looked into your eyes as if he was trying to peer into your soul. It felt like he could see the deepest corners of your mind with those crimson eyes.

“You don’t know...”  he said, repeating your words. “You don’t know?” He looked down and ran his hand through his hair, moving it out of his face in exasperation. He looked at the ceiling as he held his hair back and it was a beautiful sight. You could never get tired of staring at him. But then you saw him press his lips, anger in his expression. A fist landed on the floor loudly, making you jump away from him. “How can you not know MC?” he demanded “You took off like a thief without saying goodbye, disappeared for days, no calls, no texts…” He gasped in frustration, the words just coming out of him like a trainwreck. “I didn’t even know if you were alive!” he grabbed your arms and looked like he was about to shake you but he stopped himself. Instead, he got up and paced around the room, looking away from you. “I haven’t slept in two days…” he said, covering his eyes with his right hand and leaning the left against a wall.

“Zen, I… I don’t know what is going on” you said, trying to defend yourself. “I didn’t want to leave you, I never want to leave you… I-I don’t even know how this is even happening, you’re… “ you stopped, the words too painful to say aloud - _you’re not supposed to be real…_

“I’m... what MC…” Zen asks, turning around to look at you as he leaned his head against the wall behind him. “Just… just tell me the truth.” He says. “I can handle it. Is it another man?”

“No!” you jumped immediately.

“Then what is it?!” He demands “did I not meet your expectations? Do you not love me?”

“No… no” You say, still kneeling on the floor. If this was a dream it was starting to turn into a nightmare. “I... think I love you too much” You admit quietly.

Zen looks at you incredulously. “Then why Princess. Why did you leave? I… I can handle anything. If you had to be gone for days, weeks, years… I… I would wait for you, but you can’t just leave me hanging, I’ll die of worry. I won’t eat, I won’t sleep, I can’t … work with me, please, MC, just... tell me what happened.”

You take a deep breath. You don’t want to admit the truth, you don’t want to hurt him even more. _I’m losing my mind._ You look at him again, those pleading crimson eyes. You take a deep breath and you just… tell him. You tell him about your life. You tell him you met him through a game app and that he is not real. You tell him about how you passed out in the woods and suddenly you were here and you believed it was a dream, in fact, part of you still thinks this is a dream. You’re not at all sure that you’re awake right now but this feels too real, he feels too real. You tell him about waking up sick in the hill after, about going to the hospital, about the concussion, about hearing his voice, going home and after a few days you just… you just woke up in his bed.  Tears were constantly streaming down your cheeks as you tell him this story. It feels like you’re talking absolute nonsense while he just stares at you, not saying a word. The rational part of your brain cannot process that you are seeing him, it keeps telling you that you must be dreaming. _He’s too perfect to be real. Too beautiful. A mistake from God._

“Maybe I’ve just fucking lost it _”_ you say exasperated, wiping away your tears with the back of your hand. “Maybe the concussion is giving me delusions…” you add, almost laughing between tears at the irony of your situation. “I finally dream of you, I finally see you, and you’re angry at me for something I have no control over and that it probably means I’m having a psychotic episode”

Suddenly you realize Zen is staring at you wide-eyed in disbelief. He probably thinks you’ve lost it. Your own delusion thinks you’re crazy. The thought makes you gasp in a half laugh about how ridiculous the situation feels. You bend over your knees and rest your head on your clenched fists. _This isn’t fair. Am I really so lonely that I’ve fallen in love with a figment of my imagination?_ A few moments later, he walks over to you and kneels next to you again, taking one of your clenched fists and smoothing your fingers. You put your hands in his and look up at him. He stands and brings you to your feet. He puts your hand up to his heart, showing you it is beating, showing you that he is breathing.

“Do you believe me when I tell you I have dreams that come true?” he finally says. You nod and he continues. “Why would I not believe you when you tell me this is a dream for you? I have dreamt we were in different dimensions before. Multiple times. I was starting to believe those dreams were real and I would never meet you… but you’re here now. This is not a dream for me, I have never had a dream where I could touch you. I have seen you through a glass and I wasn’t able to reach out to you or even call out to you.” he says, taking a deep breath. “Maybe your dreams are stronger than mine and they bring you here to me, to my reality.” he says, caressing your cheek and wiping away a tear. “I think I like your dreams better” he says, taking your hand up to his lips and placing a kiss on your palm. He is so beautiful as he stands in front of you, comforting you with his simple words. Words that discreetly said he loved you beyond any reality, beyond existence itself. You move your hand away from his lips and reached up to him, putting your arm around his neck and pulling him to you. You pressed your lips against his and he parted them for you. He embraced you, leaning down closer to reach inside you with his tongue. You played with it, tasted him, bit his lips. It satisfied your thirst, it fed your soul. His hands slid down to the crack of your back, supporting you as he leaned down over you more and more, until you basically rested in his arms. An intoxicating need spread through your body and it could only be satisfied by him. Whether it was your sexual hunger or his you could not tell but it overwhelmed you, it took over any rational thought you had.

 

Before you realized what was happening you were stripping him off his clothes and he was getting rid of yours. He practically pushed you onto the bed and climbed on top of you, spreading your legs open. You urged him on, desperate to feel him inside you again. One of his hands found his way to your sex and nestled there, a slick finger finding its way through your silk entrance, pushing its way in and forcing sounds from your lips that you had little control over. His mouth over yours muted nearly all of your moaning but when he freed your lips, your sounds traveled and filled the empty space of his bedroom. He kissed your neck, your breasts. He inserted another finger inside you and his thumb pressed on your clit, pushing back and forth, drawing circles around it, titillating your skin.  He could play your body like a musical instrument and you sang for him the tunes he wanted. He was a gentle yet passionate lover and he needed little guidance to make you squirm. _If he is a figment of my imagination it would explain why he is so good at this. No, don’t think about that. Not now._ But your brain was working overtime, dreadful thoughts plaguing your mind. _I’ll wake up again and be alone. He’ll be alone. I won’t be able to touch him or kiss him or… STOP!_ You told yourself. _You’re here now, touch him now._

You pushed his shoulders and motioned for him to lay on the bed. He complied, not without giving you a look that said _I thought you were enjoying this_. You ignored the look and once he laid on the bed you took his hardened member in your hands and brought it to your lips. You kissed it gently at first, starting at the base and working your way to the tip.. You licked the sides, rolling your tongue around him, until you wrapped your lips around the head. You pressed your tongue to the tip of his cock, moved it from side to side, swirl it around, until finally you placed most of it (or as much as you could fit) into your mouth. When it hit the back of your throat you heard him moan louder. You continued, bobbing your head against his member and trying to go as deep as possible. At one point he grabbed your head and forced it to be still but began to move his hips instead. He moved quickly in and out until you heard him moan louder. He stopped when you thought he was enjoying it the most. You looked up at him and he was breathing hard, his eyes closed. He looked beautiful and it turned you on to see him so vulnerable to your affections. He slid out of you and flipped you over, positioning himself between your legs. The desire in him shined through the red hue of his eyes.  

He rubbed his member on your entrance, up and down, hitting your clit and making you want to squirm. You were already slick and the feeling of him right at your entrance was torture. You begged him, implored him to enter you and become one with you again.

“Zen, please” you managed to breathe out. He didn’t need much coercion to fulfill your wishes. In one slick motion, he aimed himself to your entrance and slid in, burying his shaft to the hilt. He groaned in pleasure to the feel of you and wasted to time moving in and out of you. He kept his hand on your clitoris while he moved his hips, stimulating you, keeping you close to the edge. You squirmed under him, the sensations overwhelming your body until you reached your climax, a sweet release. You screamed his name and held onto him, digging your nails into his arms as you rode your waves of pleasure. You moved his hand away from your clit, the sensation overwhelming. He slowed down when he felt your orgasm and after a few seconds he slid out of you.

He moved one of your legs to the other side of him, turning you to your side, and entered you again. He was well endowed but in this position he felt much bigger since your legs were close together. He moved again, faster with each stroke. Your wetness allowed him to gain speed, allowed him to slide in and out of you quicker and with more force. He grunted again, his eyes fixated on you. You bit your lower lip and when that wasn’t enough you bit the back of your hand, conscious that you were loud. You began to feel another orgasm building inside of you. He moaned again. And again. His face contorted to a mix of pain and pleasure, letting you know he’d find his release soon. This drove you over the edge again and when Zen felt your walls tightening around him for the second time he could not hold back anymore, unchaining his seed inside you. He whispered your name with his remaining breath before almost collapsing on top of you, drained and exhausted.

 

He laid down on the bed, positioning himself behind you and wrapped his arms around you, tracing your body with his. He placed small kissed on your neck, on your shoulder. He caressed your arms, your torso, your breasts, with just the lightest touch of fingers. You basked in the glory of it.

“ ...Are you going to disappear again when you fall asleep?” Zen asked with a resigned tone of his voice. You dared not answer - you knew once you woke up he would be gone from your life again and you would be gone from his. Your silence, however, answered the question for him. “Then… I guess we should make the best of the time you have here” he said, caressing your back.

His eyes were closed and after a while of caressing you his arms laid still over you. You felt his breath even out as he held you tightly. _He’s fallen asleep -_ You realized. He must have really been exhausted, not sleeping for days, worrying about me. Guilt inundated your conscience _Was it selfish of me to wish I was here? If I leave him I will hurt him. How can I possibly stay here?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please give me as much constructive criticism as possible. I highly appreciate it. If you have questions, comments, suggestions, found grammar errors, anything, send me a message/comment. I want to hear from you!


	7. I’m So Grateful For This Moment - When I Can Finally See You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't write lyrics or poetry very well so I cheated. I picked and chose from one of my favorite artists the lyrics (and translated them to English so it is not likely you'll find out where it comes from) but I just wanted to lay it out there that those lyrics are not my original work.   
> Anyhow, this chapter is fluff with a bit of angst but mostly fluff. I feel you guys needed some fluff. The comments are giving me the feels, it seems like a lot of you are getting emotional so I felt like writing something nicer. Enjoy it because I don't normally write stuff like this hahaha. 
> 
> That said, this fic is going to take a dark turn soon. A very dark turn. If you don't want to read that, I suggest you stop after this chapter.

He was asleep, yet he fiercely held onto you. It took a few minutes before you gathered enough willpower to try and wiggle out of his arms, moving as little as possible to avoid waking him. You would love to fall asleep in his arms but you weren’t ready to let go of him again so you fought your urge to sleep and got off the bed. You couldn’t help but stare lovingly at him in his deep sleep. His breathing regular, his hair covering part of his face, and his creamy pale skin almost blending with his white sheets. He looked like an angel. After staring at him for what didn’t feel it was long enough, you left his bedroom. You went ahead and used the restroom, cleaned up, put your clothes back on, and walked around his apartment. You found his fan letters in a box by a small bookcase. You looked at the books in it and saw it was mostly scripts and theater plays. It brought a smile to your face. You found an electronic keyboard piano in a corner with a pretty worn out music sheet notebook. You picked it up and looked at a sequence of notes scribbled on the sheet. Well, you couldn’t read music, that was for sure, but all the eraser marks on the page hinted that whatever was written there was written by him. You turned the page around and a page fell out. Well, maybe not a page, just a piece of paper that had been hiding between the sheets. You pick it up to put it back in the notebook when you noticed his handwriting. 

 

_ Take a chance, stay by my side  _

_ I could not condone losing you _

_ I cannot love you halfway, nor be loved _

_ Take a chance, I must know _

 

_ Time stops when your love shines _

_ You complete everything _

_ You take my pain away _

_ You make me lose myself _

 

_ My body without your soul is _

_ A ghost that fades at nightfall  _

_ You complete everything _

 

You wondered if it was a poem or maybe lyrics to a song.  _ You complete everything... Why don’t you just pull at my heartstrings, Zen?  _ Even if it wasn’t something he wrote for you, these few words encompassed what you felt.  _ Incomplete without him.  _ You touched the keys of the keyboard. It was turned off so they didn’t make a sound but you ran your fingers through them anyways, wondering how many times Zen had sat in very chair, playing the piano, perfecting his music. A sound dragged you out of your thoughts when -

“MC!” you heard Zen call out, as he stumbled out of his room, frantically looking for you. He stood in the hallway, as completely naked as you had left him in bed.

“I’m here” you answered, getting up from the piano stool. It wasn’t obvious where you were from his angle as the bookcase covered probably half of you. When you stood up, however, his eyes found you and you saw him breathe in a sigh of relief. He turned around and went back into his room. You got up to follow after him. By the time you reached his room he had pulled up his running shorts which he had been wearing before your lovemaking. When he saw you he rushed to hold you, pulling your head against his chest. 

“I thought you were gone again” he whispered. 

“I didn’t fall asleep” you said “I was scared to”

“I’m glad you’re still here.” he said, laying a kiss on the top of your head. “Would you like to take a shower with me?” he asked. You nodded.

He guided you to the bathroom and opened the shower, letting the water run before stepping in. “It takes a minute to heat up” he said as he turned to grab a couple of clean towers from the cabinet overhead, placing them on the hook by the shower door. He turned around and smiled, placing his hands on the edge of your shirt. He pulled the fabric up and you lifted your arms, letting your top slide off. You had not bothered to put your bra back on after lovemaking so this left your breast exposed. He squatted and lowered your shorts, taking your underwear down with them and left them around your ankles, motioning you to step out of them. You complied. He stood again, turned around, and reached out to the water with his arm. “I like the water pretty hot. Is that ok with you?” he asked. 

“Hot is fine” you said, admiring the muscles in his arms just from him stretching over to reach the water. 

“After you, Princess” he said, smiling in your direction. His eyes traveled around your naked body and his smiled only widened further. You felt a flush to your cheeks. God, you felt so average compared to him. It wasn’t being naked that embarrassed you, he had already seen you naked. It was just… him, standing there in nothing but shorts, and looking like the most perfect man in the history of creation made you feel so... average and frankly, rather unsuitable. You walked past him and stepped in the shower, letting the water run through your body, trying to wash away your insecurities. He took his shorts off and stepped in the shower right behind you. He was so much taller than you that he could lean over you and steal all the water from the shower, which inexplicably made you laugh. 

“Hey!” you complained, laughing at the situation. He laughed with you.. The shower head had a hose and could be moved from its locked position on the wall so you took it off its hook and aimed it at his head, the water running on his more comfortably. He rinsed his face and looked down at you, his wear hair dripping over his forehead. He looked beautiful.  “If you just wanted some water, you just had to ask” you said, still holding the shower head. 

“I wanted to share babe” he said, turning his back towards you and getting the rest of his hair wet while you still held the shower head over him. You aimed the water to wherever he was still dry but looking at his wide back you couldn’t help your eyes travelling down to his buttocks. You couldn’t help but to find yourself admiring him again, biting your lower lip.  _ He is so damn perfect.  _ You didn’t notice when he grabbed the body wash and turned around with a loofah. “Put the shower back on the hook and come here, I want to wash you” he said. You obliged.

He started on your shoulders and your neck, gently rubbing the foamy sponge over your skin. He covered your arms and lifted them, getting your armpits and the sides of your torso. He ran the loofah over your chest but when he got to your breasts he just put the foam on his hand and washed them gently. It made you hold your breath for a second but he continued with the loofah, going down your abdomen and down to your legs. By now he was squatting in the shower, lifting one of your legs, to wash them and then the other. He did the same thing with your sex, washing it gently with his hand and some body wash. When he rubbed between your folds you couldn’t help but squirm a little,  making him smile. But he continued, rubbing your thighs, turning you around to wash your back after moving your hair out of the way, washing your buttocks gently. Then he grabbed the shower head and moved it around your body, rinsing off all the body wash. 

“God, you’re so beautiful” he said, while admiring your body, catching you by surprise. The shower may not wash away your insecurities, but Zen’s words definitely helped. 

“I was just thinking you’re the beautiful one” you said, taking the sponge from him. “Your turn” you added, smiling at him. You rinsed the sponge and added body wash again, making it foam. You started on his backs and applied pressure, rubbing every inch of it. You went to his flanks and wrapped your arm around him, reaching his abs but really, you were rubbing your breasts against his back. You noticed him taking breaths deeper than he was before, as if trying to control himself. You couldn’t keep the smirk off your face. You went down to his legs and then motioned him to turn around. When he did, you couldn’t help but notice he was hard again. 

You looked at his erect member and took your hand to it, soothing it with long strokes. You saw him close his eyes and moan. You laved his groin with the shower head and placed it back in its hook, all while still languidly caressing his manhood. You took advantage of his eyes still being closed to press your body against his, tantalizing him, letting his arousal slide between your legs. Before he had a chance to react, you entwined your lips to his, getting lost in a long, deep kiss. It was impossible to describe, it consumed and sated you at the same time. Zen ran his hands through your back, exploring and immersing in every inch of your wet skin. Not a minute later he had you pressed against the wall of the shower, holding one of your legs with his forearm while plunging into you, You succumbed, yet again, to his ravishing provokations, his urge; inciting in you quivering sensation that you had only ever experienced with him before. Soon after, both of you had reached your climax while the water still slid down your bodies. 

 

Once you regained your composure, you washed each other’s hair and rinsed off. Zen wrapped the clean towel around you and rubbed your arms to warm you off as it immediately felt chilly out of the hot steam of the shower. You both got dressed and he had you sit on a stool in his bathroom while he blow dried your hair. 

“I don’t want you to get a cold my baby lamb” he said playfully. You couldn’t help but to giggle at his remark. 

“Baby lamb? Is that because you’re a wolf?” you asked lightheartedly. 

“That’s…” he said leaning close to your ear “...exactly right” he whispered, before planting a kiss on your neck and continuing to blow dry your hair. Moments like this made your heart flutter with love. Such a simple thing but it made you soar. Nothing could ever compare to this feeling. 

You talked about silly, mundane things and the time flew by. You cooked food together and fed each other while kisses, caresses, and whispers of love floated in the air whenever your eyes crossed. But even then there was an ache in your heart that coated with a sour undertone every time you looked at him. You did your best not to let it show but there was this melancholy to his eyes that no matter how many times you kissed him or you professed your love for him just wouldn’t disappear. 

Trying to put these thoughts out of your head you asked him about the piano. After some persuasion, he agreed to play something for you. He started with some basic stuff, songs you’d heard countless times before. He was wonderful. His singing was the most beautiful sound you had ever heard and just staring at him play made you forget anything that was wrong. Any looming sense of dread you had vanish, if only for a few minutes. He moved the pages on his music notebook and the paper came out with the handwritten lyrics. He chuckled when he saw it but made no motion to comment on it.

“Did you write it?” you asked him, referring to the lyrics.

“I did” he said. “You read it? It is not complete” he added. “I started writing this before I met you… but the last part I wrote when you were gone“ he stared at it in thought. “Do you want to hear it?” he offered. You nodded. He opened the previous page of his music notebook and position his hands on the keys. He paused for a second, as if stringing the music in his head before laying it out to you. “It sounds better on a grand piano” he added before starting “I wrote most of it using the theater’s piano”. Then he began.

It was a soft melody, full of light-toned keys that mixed well together. It wasn’t upbeat, in fact, it was very much a melancholic song… or maybe it was just how he was playing it. He sang the lyrics you had read, his eyes closed when he his the higher notes and he did so beautifully. Then he added a verse you hadn’t read before.

 

_ Even apart, I still love you just as much _

_ The yearning of this love still beats today _

_ I see in your eyes this fire won’t fade _

_ This fire is still there. _

_ You complete everything.  _


	8. Let’s Try Not to Regret Realizing that We’re in Different Dimensions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some answers! Sorta. This is not the end all, know all, but its a pretty decent start. Please see my disclaimer about this chapter in the notes at the end.

“That was beautiful” you said, standing behind him and wrapping your arms over his shoulders. “You really wrote that for me?”

“I did” he said. “I started writing it when I first realized I loved you but between work and other things I never finished it.” He closed the notebook, putting the lyrics away. He caressed your arm over his chest “When you disappeared the first time I went back to it and the last verse came out... but I am not sure I am done with it yet” He turned around on the stool and had you stand between his legs, your arms still over his shoulders, his arms around you. He looked at you with a longing in his eyes and took a deep breath. “We need to talk”

“I know…” you murmured, shying away from words that might hurt him.  _ That might hurt you.  _

“I’m still not sure what is going on” he started, looking away from you. “Let me rephrase that, I have no idea what is going on.”

“I can’t tell you I know either” you said. “Part of me thinks I am here because I can feel you, I can smell you, I can talk to you… but part of me keeps saying this is insane and I’ve lost my fucking mind.” He nodded. 

“Well… I feel pretty real” he said, putting one of your hands against his cheek. “And you feel pretty real to me too”

“How do we even start trying to understand what is going on?” you asked him rhetorically. It was really a question you were trying to ask yourself. 

“Explain to me exactly what you feel is going on.” Zen said. “I know you told me before but I was upset, and I made you upset, and there may be details we may have missed” 

“Okay” you nodded, racking your brain for information. You went over every detail again, you explained how you knew “of him” through a game app where your answers were choices but you had fallen for him anyways. How on his birthday his strange dream had really gotten to you and had kept you up at night. How you wished upon a star to be with him and that’s how it first happened but you still thought it was a dream. 

“You wished on a shooting star?” he asked, incredulously. 

“Yeah... I know it sounds... I saw the star and the thought just went into my head, it was a subconscious wish, honestly”

“Uh… I did that also” he said, staring at you.

“What?”

“I had had this dream that you were on a different dimension… but in reality I kinda thought you were a bot Seven had coded into the app, I wasn’t sure you were real at all and I was too scared to admit Seven might have catfished me. A few days after my birthday I went to the rooftop to stare at the sky and… I just wished for you to be here. The next morning your call woke me up”

“So… we might have wished on the same star?” You stared at him skeptically… it was quite a stretch of reasoning and you felt you were grasping at straws. Your logical mind screaming at you this had to be a dream, it was just impossible. “Before I showed up here this time, I wished for it again. Did you?” 

“No, I didn’t. Only the first time” he admitted while softly running his fingers through your back. You thought this through. It is theorized that there are infinite alternate universes and while it was a stretch of the imagination to think that characters from a game could be real in another dimension, it was the only answer. That, or this was just a dream and you were thinking too much about it. 

“So… If this is just a dream then you’re a figment of my imagination… “ you said, trying to clarify things. You touched the ends of his hair and laced your fingers in it gently “If I’m somehow traveling to another dimension where you are in then… then I need to figure out how to stay” you said, simply. “I don’t even… how do I even research that? I don’t know how I’m even getting here” 

“I might know someone we can ask” Zen said “but it is kind of a stretch”

“At this point, anything would help” you added.

“When I was younger, I went to see this psychic. She had a reputation for being able to read people’s futures and having prophetic dreams, like mine.” 

“A psychic?”

“Yeah, a psychic.” Zen  mentioned. “I’m not proud of it. I went to see her a few years ago after I had run away from home and was doubting my decisions. I was struggling and I guess I needed some reassurance. “ he confessed “She advised me to master the piano and that got me one of my first few roles. I can’t say if she saw it in my future or what but I have always been glad I took her advice.”

“I guess it can’t hurt” you say, frankly unconvinced but trying to keep an open mind. You never really believed in psychics but you never believed you’d see Zen so if there was a time to have an open mind about anything, this was it. You agreed to go see her in the morning since it was roughly 2:00 am at this point. 

You spend the rest of the night talking to Zen. You sat on the couch with your limbs intertwined in different positions, rotating around every half an hour or so. You munched on fish-shaped bread, drank beer, and talked about your hopes and dreams. You chatted about yourselves, your feelings, your family, your friends. He told you about his struggles to become an actor, about his favorite plays, and hilarious stories of things you’d see behind in theater. He talked about his family and the RFA. The hours flew by between words, kisses, and caresses and before you knew it you were getting coffee and getting ready to ride his bike to the psychic’s house. You were promptly there at around 8 am.

An elderly woman with ornate clothes opened the door and let you in. She said nothing of the early hours despite the sign outside indicating she was only open in the evenings. She talked about Zen as if she had known him all her life and called him Hyun. She was polite to you and introduced herself as “Madame Stella”, but her attention stayed on him. You appreciated this as you had little to say, the whole idea still seem rather absurd to you. Her entire house was decorated with beads and statues of the gods of the sun, moon, and stars. You only knew this because the statues were either plainly labeled or they symbolized what they were very clearly. The entire place hued from violet to crimson with splashes of blue. Despite this, the place felt very warm and cozy.

“Are you here for more career advice?” Madame Stella asked, her voice like crumbled paper.

“No, I am here for love this time” he said, squeezing your hand. Madame Stella led you to a table and asked you to have a seat. You both complied.

“Ah, usually men that come for love advice do not bring the woman they love.” she added, giving you a look. She squinted her eyes as she eyed you up and down. You turned to look at Zen slightly wide-eyed. “I’ll start with some cards and I’ll let ask some questions later” you turned your attention back to her while grabbing a pack of tarot cards from somewhere under the table. 

She shuffled the cards expertly and set them face down, spreading them on a pattern that you didn’t recognize. She asked Zen to point to a card and you to point to another. You both did. She took those cards and put them to the sides. Then she began flipping the rest. 

“You have a long road ahead of you and it will not be an easy one.” Madame Stella said, her hands over the first few cards. “The Ace of Wands in this position tells me something happened that had led you to take this road. It tells me there is a course of action which may lead you to the path you both desire so this union is not impossible. The Judgement card here says this is a great union but there are some… inner conflicts. I would advise you to trust yourselves and let go of your past. You must open yourself to manifest your gift and have your soul transcend and manifest as a multi-dimensional being…”

“What?” you interrupted. Multi-dimensional being?

“Shh” Madame Stella shushed you immediately and gave you a stern look. “It’s a metaphor for advising you to grow and forget fruitless endeavors. Do not interrupt me during a reading” She put her attention back to the cards, unveiling the next one.  “The Hierophant suggest there is some skill involved that must be mastered. This card doesn’t usually come up in relationship readings. For Hyun it meant mastering the piano to succeed in his goal to become an actor. I will get back to this once I reveal more.” She continued flipping the cards and gave you some generic advice that made you want to roll your eyes. The Lovers card, you were very compatible, and things of such nature. Then she finally took out the card Zen had picked. “Ah, the strength card.” She pulled your card next. “The Two of Wands…” she thought about this, tapping her finger on the table. “The Two of Wands says you are at a crossroads” Madame Stella said. “There is a situation where you have a difficult choice and you have doubt… are you married or is there another man in your life?” she said, giving you a disapproval look.

“No!” you answered, immediately. 

“Well, whatever it is that is holding you back, do not forget to take in the full implications of your situation. You must deal with your real concerns before they become regrets.” she warned you. Then, she turned to Zen “You are the Strength. You must nurture and help her on this path and it will help you both. Separate self interest from wisdom. You know better than to be selfish.” She turned the last card.  “Ah, this is interesting. The Star” she said, with a thoughtful look. “The Star is about reconnecting one’s soul to the spiritual plane. It is in the advice position, so it means you should dedicate some time to cultivate your spirit, or your relationship to the spiritual plane. I suppose that’s what the Hierophant means, this is the skill you must master” Madame Stella added. “It is an interesting reading, I will admit. I more often see the death card on relationship readings than I see the Star and the Hierophant together”. She leaned back on her chair and crossed her arms, as if thinking about what she had just said. “Give me your hand” Madame Stella asked, extending her arm towards you. You looked at Zen, inquisitively, but gave her your right hand nonetheless. She looked at your palm and almost traced the lines with her own fingers. “Your life line is forked to the Mount of Moon, that indicates traveling to far off places, but it is also a double line which is typical of the security offered by a loved one of the opposite sex” She smiled when she said that and it made you blush. “That said, where your life line is doubled, it is broken, which means you will come across struggles with your partner.” she stared at your hand and turned her head from one side to the other. “You have a very distinct Millieu line that stops before your head line lies and it is distinctively parallel to your life line.” she stopped and looked at you with concern in her eyes “It means health may prevent you from achieving your desired fate.” 

“Health?” you asked

“It can mean making unhealthy decisions, an illness, or any variation of those. It can also mean mental health.” she said, tapping her own temple softly. 

“Ah...”  you said in comprehension.  _ So I am losing it.  _

“Now that I have given you these answers, do you still have questions for me?” she said, letting go of your hand. You took your hand back and placed it on your lap. You thought about all the questions you had and they seemed absolutely absurd. You didn’t even know where to start.

“Am I dreaming?” you blurted out after a minute of some awkward silence.

“Dreaming?” Madame Stella repeated, but then thought of the question. “Give me your left hand” she demanded, stretching her arm again across the table. You had been holding onto Zen’s hand with your left but you let go and gave her your hand. She stared at it in detail. “Let me see your right hand again.” You placed your other arm faced up on the table. “Is she who you dreamed of, Hyun?” she asked, expecting him to know what she was talking about, despite the vagueness of her question. 

“Yes” he admitted. 

“Were you able to reach her in your dreams? Through the glass?” you turned to look at Zen. How much did this woman know?

“No, not in my dreams” 

“But you wanted to reach her” she said, almost accusingly. 

“Yes, of course” 

“And you” she said, looking in your direction, still holding onto both your hands. “Did you dream of him?”

“I… I don’t know. Am I dreaming now?” She still hadn’t answered your question. She let go of your hands and you retracted them, almost hiding them under the table. She stood and walked away from you. You looked at Zen with an inquisitive look and he raised his shoulders to signal he was unsure of what was happening as well. She returned with a book that looked old and worn. She plopped it open on the table. 

“This is no dream” Madame Stella said. “But it may be that you’re not really here. I’ve heard of this before”.

“What does that mean? How can I not be here?” you said, starting to feel infuriated with her cryptic answers. 

“Do you feel different? Do you look different?” she asked you, eyeing you again.

“I… I feel the same” you said, your hand traveling to your chest. “What do you mean you’ve heard of this before? What is this?” 

Madame Stella pulled a small mirror and placed it on the table. “Look at yourself. Is this what you look like?”

You grabbed the mirror and stared at yourself. “Of course it is me, who else…” but you stopped mid-sentence. This wasn’t you. You were looking at a girl with fair skin, bright yellow eyes, and long brown hair with bangs over her forehead. You had [color] hair and [color] eyes, this wasn’t you at all. But when you saw yourself in the mirror, you couldn’t deny that was you. You identified as this persona, with these looks. “...how did I not notice it before” When you really looked, everything suddenly had a plain texture. You looked at Zen and he looked… like he did in the pictures you always saw of him. He looked perfect… but he didn’t look  _ real. You didn’t look real.  _ You stood up and pushed the chair back. “What is going on?” you asked Madame Stella. If you weren’t freaking out before, you were freaking out now.

“Sit back down. I will do my best to explain” she said. You sat back down but felt fidgety. You were feeling uncomfortable with what was going on. Madame Stella continued. “You come from a dimension where you can see things in three planes. This is a dimension that has two. Hyun often dreamt of you in your dimension but he could not travel there as he would not materialize. He does not exist on more than two planes. But you, you exist in three. You can leave your body in your dimension and your soul, the essence of your being, can travel here” 

You frowned. Your spirit was traveling to a dimension with less planes and leaving your body behind… okay.

“Let’s say I believe this. How do I travel here? How do I stay here?” you asked. 

“You must disconnect your conscious mind from your body.” she answered.

“How do I do that?”

“You become unconscious” Zen said. “When you fall asleep you come here”

“But it doesn’t always happen. I slept before I came the second time and it was just normal sleep” this felt like nonsense. How could you believe any of these things? You had never heard of anything like this before.

“You must master the skill” Madame Stella said. “That’s what the cards were talking about”

You took your hands to your head and buried your face in them, bending over to hide your frustration. You couldn’t think of anything to say. This was impossible. You felt Zen’s hand on your back, just a sign of gentle support, and it was as if your heart was beating again. 

“Are you saying that me being here, that me traveling here, is a skill that I have? How come I’ve never heard of anyone doing this?” You asked, still refusing to believe anything the woman said.

“If you had heard about it, would you believe it?” Madame Stella said.

“Probably not” you admitted. Madame Stella made a gesture to prove her point. 

“Most people with this skill likely only think they are dreaming and don’t think much of it. I expect it drove some of them crazy. Some others might have been smart enough to enjoy it quietly.”

“What about the star?” Zen asked. “It seems we both made a wish to a star around the same time and that’s when she first came here. Does that have anything to do with this?” 

“No more than both of you trying to find each other at the same time.” she said. “I don’t expect the stars to start granting wishes. I believe more in the spiritual powers of one’s own self. You know what I speak of, Hyun, you’ve been experiencing prophetic dreams since you were a child.” 

Zen nodded. You sat there, leaning towards him. This was too much to take.

“Well, if you have no more questions, I would like to start my day as I normally do.” Said Madame Stella standing up and closing the book. “I don’t have a lot more answers on this, it is not very common, and it is not very documented.” she answered, frankly. 

You and Zen nodded and stood up. He thanked her and paid her for her services. As you walked out you thought of something else and you turned to her again. “How do I stay here?”

“I do not think you can. Your blood binds your soul to your body in another plane. You have no blood or body here, even if your soul materializes in this plane, it is not really here. Think that you are… a solid astral projection” She looked at you and looked at Zen. You thanked her again, said goodbye and walked out of her house. 

“Wait for me a sec, babe” Zen said, and walked back into her house. You looked down at your hands and turned them around, trying to figure out what was wrong with them. They looked… different but somehow you could still identify them as your hands. They felt like your hands. You moved your fingers and touched your hair. It felt real, it felt yours. This was incredibly frustrating in so many levels.

Zen walked out of her house a few minutes later. “So… let’s go grab a proper breakfast babe and we’ll talk some about this. I don’t want you skipping meals” he said, putting his arm around you. You chuckled at his comment. “What’s so funny about that?” he asked, but that only made you laugh harder. You thought about the absurdity of the situation and him just being… him. He was magical. He was perfect, and you loved him. You’d be willing to believe anything to stay by his side and not skip any meals ever again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know nothing of Tarot card readings or palm readings, and short of giving Madame Stella a magic crystal ball... well, let's just say I tried my best to make it seem "realistic" to a certain extent. I did research tarot cards and palm readings and I feel it came out okay, but if I got anything wrong... please excuse my lack of knowledge about these practices. I used it as a tool to give you some answers. Please let me know what you think of this chapter, this was a lot of exposition and I'm not used to writing this kind of thing. Feedback is highly appreciated!


	9. I Realized that Our Thoughts and Feelings Transcend Dimensions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO sorry for the long wait. Blame Cheritz for releasing V's route and it taking over my life. Plus I work and stuff. But enough of that. I finally put a chapter out that has been in the making for a little while too long. This is actually kind of a half-ish chapter. The next one will come out soon since I have about half of it done.

Zen took you on his motorcycle to this little quaint place that served healthy breakfast and lunch items. You got a table in the corner away from most of the other patrons - not on purpose, the place was rather crowded and it was one of the few tables left. You couldn’t appreciate the cute view to the garden they had in the back and it really felt like you were hiding but you thought it may be better this way considering what you’d be discussing.

“I wish we had gotten a table next to the garden…” Zen mentioned, but quickly changed his mind. “It may be better this way anyway. Some of my fans know I frequent this place and sometimes they show up here” he commented, dropping into the booth next to you and throwing his arm over your shoulder. It felt so incredibly comforting. You looked at your hands again and moved your fingers. They didn’t look real anymore. It was as if you were hyper-aware of being in another dimension. You touched the table and the tablecloth fabric that lay over your legs. ‘ _You’re bound to your body. I don’t think you can stay’_ repeated in your head over and over, like a mantra.

“Princess?” he said, stopping your train of thought, questioning your silence.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry, this table is fine.” you said, trying to get past not noticing how weird everything looked. Trying to take Madame Stella words out of your head when a high-pitched voice rang in your ears.

“Good morning! I’m Nana and I’ll be your waitress today. Can I offer you some coffee?” a very cheerful waitress said. A very cute, petite waitress. Cute as a button... and her eyes completely fixated on Zen. Honestly, you couldn’t blame her, he was stunning and could stop any woman with eyes on their tracks… but you really didn’t need a dose of jealousy with the looming dread of Madame Stella’s words over your head. Subconsciously you gave her a look that could set anyone on fire.

“Yeah, we’ll take some coffee, thanks. I’m pretty familiar with the menu but I’ll give my girl a chance to decide what she wants before we order” Zen said with a bright smile while the waitress poured some coffee on the mugs that were already on the table. He was stunning and charismatic. His smile seemed to brighten the whole place. You could see the girl’s cheeks become flushed as soon as he offered his smile. You kept your mouth shut, concerned that if you opened it you would be rude to the girl who had done nothing wrong. You were just in a somber-weird mood. Once the girl walked away, you tried to relax and take a deep breath. You snuggled under Zen’s arm and rested your face on his chest.

“Do you think what Madame Stella said is true?” You asked him, almost whispering her name.

“I might be. It certainly helps explain… what’s going on” Zen answered. “But we don’t know. She could have just been making stuff up... but a lot of the things she said made some sense.” he took a deep breath, his hand running through your hair. “I don’t really know where to go to try and corroborate anything she said”

“The internet?” you suggested, even doubting it when you said it.

“Sure, and we’ll find a million other alternatives that might sound just as likely” he said, and you knew he was right.

“She said I won’t be able to stay...” your words were barely a whisper.

“She said she didn’t think you’d be able to” He corrected you. “Maybe we need to find a way to bind your spirit here”

“It’s not like I can find a body here and take over it.” you said, taking a sip of the coffee. You were starting to feel exhausted. ”I mean, I’m not a ghost, I can’t possess someone, I’m as solid as you are.” _What the hell were you even talking about._ It felt like nonsense even as you said it. Zen felt your frustration and rubbed your shoulders.

“We’ll figure something out Princess” he said, kissing the top of your head. “There has to be a way to make it work. There has to”

“Here’s some water!” came the waitress again. You looked away from her and stared at the menu instead. “Are you guys ready to order?”

“I’ll just have the oatmeal and a cup of fruit” you said, handing the menu to Zen and averting your eyes away.

“I’ll have an omelette” Zen said, handing her over the menus. “And some orange juice. Thanks”. The cheerful waitress nodded and walked away.  ‘ _You’re bound to your body. I don’t think you can stay’_ the words kept creeping back into your head over and over. What if you went to sleep again and could never come back? Would Zen be waiting for you forever? No, surely another girl would come and sweep him off his feet if you never returned. What if you could never feel his arms around you again? These thoughts just gave you more anxiety and made feel like you would shrivel up inside. You looked over at Zen and noticed he was staring at his coffee, lost in thought as well. You wondered what was going through his head, would the same things be running through his head? You put your hand in his lap and squeezed his thigh gently, trying to call his attention to you. You didn’t want him to suffer the same anxiety as you, but when he looked at you his eyes told you he was.

“I’m sorry” you whispered.

“Don’t be” he said. “Even if you disappeared now, just meeting you would have been worth it”

“Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all…” you said, almost with a questioning ring to it.

“That’s exactly right, Princess” he said, kissing the top of your head. “But don’t worry, I’m sure we can figure it out” he added. “We will figure it out” You leaned your head back against him and closed your eyes. You had been up all night and frankly you were exhausted at this point. The whole situation weighed heavily on you. You still couldn’t make up your mind and understand if this was really another dimension or you were dreaming or what was even going on. All you knew was that you were with Zen and you’d do anything to stay with him. You were so comfortable leaning against him in this booth, it was like you finally knew what it was to love someone. To feel as if your body fit perfectly against his, as if his very touch was something you had been craving and lacking your whole life. Being with him felt like you were finally complete. Was this what it felt like to have a soulmate? You’d heard the term used a million times before as nothing more than a romantic word but it seemed to have a deeper meaning now. Maybe this time you were here for good and you wouldn’t return to your own reality. Maybe...

You felt sleep creeping up on you and you startled awake. You looked around nervously and found Zen still sitting beside you. You took a deep breath trying to calm yourself down, worried you had fallen asleep and would wake up back in your dimension.

“Let me… uh… I’m going to the ladies room” you told Zen. He nodded and moved out of the booth to let you out. You got out off the booth and headed to the restroom. You stood in front of the mirror staring at yourself. How could you not have noticed how different you looked? You opened the faucet and splashed water on your face. _I’ve got to get it together. I need to figure out what is going on._  The water was cool and invigorating, it made you feel a little better and certainly more awake. You headed back to the table when you saw a 3 girls surrounding your table and talking to Zen.

“See! I told you I had seen him eat here before!” one of the girls said. “And he’s so nice, he signed a picture for me!”

“Can we take a photo with you pleeaaase” another girl said. “I love the plays you’ve been in, my sister will be so jealous I got to meet you!”

“Of course!” Zen replied, standing from the booth and putting his arms around two of the girls while the third took a picture with her phone.

“Oh, it looks really good!” One of the girls squealed. Zen smiled at them. You realized you had stopped at the bathrooms entrance and you were just admiring him from afar. He was so good to his fans. Despite the initial surge of jealousy from seeing all these girls around him, you felt oddly proud of him. You’d heard of celebrities being approached by fans and scorning them away because they didn’t want to be bothered. Of course, you wouldn’t expect Zen to be mean to his fans, but it was still nice to see how caring and charming he was towards them. He looked in your direction and locked eyes with you, a loving smile appearing on his lips. A smile different than the smile he had given his fans. A smile that reached his eyes and made you feel like the only girl in the world. Your heart fluttered.

Zen said something to the girls and waved them goodbye. They seemed disappointed to go back to their table but were respectful enough to do it and you were glad for it. You walked over to the table and Zen moved out of the way so you’d be on the inner side of the booth. Once you sat, you took another sip of coffee.

“Here’s your food! Enjoy” said your very lively waitress as she brought the plates out. Part of the fruit she’d brought you was a whole apple. You took the knife, cut a slice off of it, and ate it. Zen worked on his omelette. When you took another slice off the apple, your hand slipped and you cut your finger. You squirmed and dropped the apple on the plate.

“What happened?” Zen said, surprised and concerned

“My hand slipped, it’s no big deal, just a tiny cut” You grabbed a paper napkin and wrapped it around your finger.  It really was a tiny cut, there wasn’t much blood. It just stung and made you jump.

“Are you sure you’re alright Princess?” Zen questioned again, looking at your finger.

“I’m fine, I’m fine, it just stung a little, it’s all.” you said, examining your finger. “It’s not even bleeding anymore. It’s not deeper than a papercut. I’m just a klutz”

“Just… be careful. Seeing you hurt scares me” he said, grabbing your hand and putting a kiss on your finger. You smiled at his sweetness. You continued to eat without any other mishaps and you talked about his job and his upcoming plays.

“We actually have an opening night next week. I need to be at the theater this afternoon rehearsing.” Zen explained. “I’m one of the leads on this one”

“Could I… could I go watch you rehearse?” You said, almost shyly. You didn’t have any friends in theater but you imagine seeing actors rehearsing a play might be frowned upon. He thought about it for a second and chimed in.

“Well, I’m not letting you out of my sight, so they’ll have to let you come” he said. You chuckled in appreciation of his determination to keep you close. You hoped this wouldn’t stop, it made you feel safe in your overwhelming feelings for him. You were glad it was him. It made you wonder how would things would have been if he hadn't been the RFA member you fell in love with.

“Zen…  I haven't really been active in the RFA while I've been here. Do they… know what's going on?”

“Not at all” he said, pulling his phone out “after you and I first met… I really believed you regretted being with me and that was why you left. I didn't want to tell them about us because… well, I didn't want them to blame me for you leaving”  he loaded the RFA chatroom. “I told them you had said you wanted some time off from the RFA and that's why you weren't around” he started at the screen for a second “I was about to come clean about it by the time you showed up again, I was worried something had happened to you by then”

You pulled your phone and loaded the app. Only you and Zen were participants at that moment.

“I would like to meet them” you said, closing back the app.

“They all pop in here and there everyday. If you check back often you’re bound to find them”

“I figured... “ you said. “I’ll keep an eye out during your rehearsals.” you said, giving him a smile.

“Alright, let’s get going. I have to be at the theater by noon or I’ll be late” he said, motioning the waitress to get the bill.

About a 30 minute motorcycle ride later, you were at the theater. It was a small theater as it was a small production. He asked you to stay at the front while he went around the back to let you in. _Too many people in the back going around err… indecently right around now._ He had claimed. Everyone was changing into their outfits or getting fitted, and it was really frowned upon to bring an outsider through the back. You stood by the front of the theater and looked at the posters… until you found one with Zen in it. He was dressed as a Prince with a swan overlaid in the background. It read _The Swan Princess, Coming Soon._ This must be what they were rehearsing for. _He’s really is a prince._ The thought made you smile.

“Princess?” he called out, opening the front door of the theater. _And I’m his princess._

“Coming my prince” you said, with a grin from ear to ear.

Rehearsals when through uneventfully. Zen was captivating, even if he made a mistake here and there but quite frankly it looked as if the play was almost ready to be premiered. Some of the casts members came over to introduce themselves to you and tell you how much they liked him and how he really was devoted to the theater. While they rehearsed some of the scenes that Zen wasn’t in on, you checked the messenger. Seven appeared and you took the chance to message him.

 

**the beginning of this chat should read:** I just asked Zen to come get me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohh I wonder what God7 knows!! Boy, do I love cliffhangers! As always, please leave me comments, tell me if you found any grammar/continuity errors. Please please please!
> 
> OFF TOPIC:  
> Only read this note/comment if you've played V's route, minor spoilers:  
> You know that ending we all want where we have a happy ending with Ray? Can you guys link me to a good fic about that? I'm not just talking a fic with Ray, I'm talking like... at some point during "another story" you veer off into Ray's route and you save him. If there are any fics about that, I want to read them!!


	10. I can’t Even Believe In My Own Existence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: SPOILERS FOR SEVEN'S ENDING AND I THINK EVEN SOME SPOILERS FOR V ROUTE (NOT A LOT. MOSTLY SEVEN'S SECRET ENDINGS). 
> 
> Please read my notes at the end!

Seven’s confusion worried you and kept you from truly enjoying Zen’s rehearsal. Even when he sang the romantic solo in your direction (both the leads sang a duet towards the audience symbolizing being far apart) you still weren’t completely enthralled. In your experience with the members of the RFA - especially Seven and V - you likely weren’t going to get that many answers from them. That said, a thought came to your head - where in the timeline were you? What had actually happened? Had a party already happened? How come the character had not met you? You had played all the routes, had any of those stories happened? 

It was almost 8:00pm by the time Zen was allowed to leave rehearsal. Around 4:00pm he had been allowed to take a short break with you and a few other coworkers but aside from that you had been sitting in the audience most of the afternoon by yourself. You decided not to go back into the chatroom until you were able to get your story straight - you didn’t want to confuse the rest of the RFA members. When Zen was done, you told him Seven wanted to meet you and they had to head over to his house. Zen agreed and called him for the address. 

“Luciel, it’s Zen… Yes, I am with MC… a few times… Yeah… Yeah… Just text me your address, we’ll head over… No, she’s… No, She’s amazing. We’ll talk when I get there, I don’t have much battery left” Zen hung up his phone and headed towards his bike while holding onto your hand.  He passed you a helmet and strapped his in. “How are you feeling?” 

“I’m okay” you said

“I’m exhausted” Zen said. “It’s been a long day. We’ve been up for almost 24 hours. You must be tired too Princess”

“I’m okay” you lied. You had almost fallen asleep during the later rehearsals but kept waking up anxious. The idea of falling asleep terrified you so you kept yourself awake as best as you could. “I could use some coffee to be honest” you said, trying to sound nonchalant. 

“One coffee coming up, we’ll make a quick stop on the way there” he said, hopping onto his bike and signaling you to go on behind him. 

About half an hour later you were standing in front of Seven’s building. The front door had a camera that moved when you stood there and asked for a password in arabic. Zen waved at the camera and about a minute later the door opened automatically. 

A slender guy with vibrant red hair and yellow/black framed glasses stared at you from top to bottom, not saying a word. You stared at him the same way. He was exactly as you remembered him. Black/yellow hoodie, light golden eyes, 

“Hi” you said shyly, taking the last sip of your coffee. You knew Seven was the main character of the game and despite having played his route in the past, you had nothing but a great fondness for him. You loved him as a friend, much the same way you loved the other characters, except for Zen. Zen had just captivated your heart. Nevertheless, seeing Seven stand in front of you made you want to jump and hug him. You had spent a great deal of time talking to him before and you really enjoyed chatting with him. 

“Luciel, are you going to let us in?” Zen asked, resting his hand on the door.

“Right, right, yes, come in” Seven said, moving out of the way. You stepped inside after Zen and you were able to get a better look at him. He was shorter than Zen but still taller than you. He was wearing this big hoodie and the big headset around his neck - it was almost comical how he looked just like the pictures you’d seen of him. His face was serious but he held onto the cable of his headphones with his right hand, playing with it as if it was a nervous habit. He seemed a little scatterbrained, but maybe it was mostly that he didn’t know how to react to your presence. He closed the door behind you and walked around you, almost as if to make sure you were real. 

“Uhm, I am really happy to see you Saeyoung” you said.  His eyes opened wide when he heard you say his name. You regretted saying it almost instantly. You forgot he hadn’t told anyone that name. You didn’t know how much of his story you were supposed to know and you remembered too late how private he was about his life. 

“Saeyoung?” Zen asked, looking at both of you with a strange look. Seven’s demeanor changed. If before he appeared uncomfortable, now he looked down right aggressive and suspicious.

“Who are you, really, and where did you hear that name?” Seven asked, his eyes a thin line, his expression firm.  _ Shit. _

“Luciel” Zen intervened, noticing his angered expression. “We came because you asked. She’s MC! Why are you questioning who she is? I thought you did a background check on her when she first joined the RFA” 

“MC is not real” Seven said, with a thin line in his mouth. “MC was a virus that was implanted into the app. Yes, I did a background check on her, as in, I decoded the virus and saw it was harmless. It wasn’t tracking data anywhere and it seemed like a fun artificial intelligence character with preset answers” He turned back to you again. “V and I decided to leave the MC virus in the app because it seemed harmless and we thought it might get the group to start organizing parties again. That’s why we postponed the RFA party in the first place. We never really gave her any real contact information to any guests anyways, it was just a test to see how the members were feeling about having parties again” 

“Well... she’s very real.” Zen said, looking in your direction. 

“Where did you hear that name?” Seven asked again. “Who told you it? Are you a hacker?    
Did you write that virus?”

“I-I am not a hacker!” You said, trying to defend yourself quickly. This could have gone differently if you hadn’t thrown his name out. “Can we just take a second discuss this without accusations? I want to figure out what’s going on too” you intervened, putting your hand on Zen’s arm. “Let’s... just talk about it. I promise I’ll tell you everything I know”

“Yeah, ok, ok, let’s sit down” Seven said, pointing towards a couch on what it looked like an odd living room. “Sorry about the mess, I wasn’t expecting visitors”

“You knew we were coming” Zen pointed out.

“I didn’t think you’d actually show” Seven said, sitting across from you. You sat on a bigger couch next to Zen and he wrapped his arm around you. You were dying to ask about Saeran but you dared not say anything about them given his reaction to you even knowing his name. 

“So let me get this straight” Zen started “The MC I’d… we had been chatting with was a virus?” 

“In simple terms, yes.” Seven said. “It was introduced into the app as a virus and at first I thought it was just a bot trying to advertise something but when I saw it was an AI and I decoded it I thought it might be fun to leave it.” he looked at you again “in other words, I've no idea who she is. If she's the hacker, she's so good I couldn't decrypt her AI code to tell she was a person and not an AI. I need to call V and discuss this” 

“I promise I'm not a hacker” you said, taking your phone out “look, look how the app looks for me” but then you remember the RFA app was different when you were here. You put the phone on the coffee table but Seven made no motion to grab it. Maybe it was for the best. “I'm… I don't know. I'm... from a different dimension or something. I’m not from here. I don’t know how I got here.” you said. How could you convince someone this was the truth if you weren't sure you believed it yourself? Zen sensed your frustration and held your hand in his. 

“So… all her answers were programmed?” Zen asked again. 

“yes, I had seen all of them as soon as I decoded the virus AI. “

“so… everything we ever talked about was programmed? So I wasn't really talking to you? “ Zen asked, concern unquestionably tainting his words. You felt him stiffen up next to you. 

“In a way, yes” you said, trying reassure Zen. You worried he might start to think you weren’t who he had fallen in love with but a set of preset options. “but of all the routes, my real thoughts and feelings were better expressed with you. Everything I ever told you, the options I picked, were very similar or exactly what I would have said to you” 

“All the routes?” Zen asked. “What do you mean routes?”

“Uhm… remember I told you in my end it looked as if you were a character from a game?” you said, anxiety creeping up on you as you tried to explain. “Well... in the game… different answers lead you to… uhm… romance… different people” 

“Romance different people?” Zen said, wide eyed. “Are you telling me you’ve romanced another member of the RFA in this game?” 

“Uh… yeah but… but it wasn’t real. Those answers weren’t me, I… I was real with you” you tried your best to sound reassuring but Zen looked visibly upset and confused. You put your other hand on his trying to comfort him but he felt solid as a rock. 

“I need a cig” Zen said, getting up from the couch. You went to get up after him but he stopped you. “Stay. Talk to Luciel. I’ll come back in a few minutes. I promise.” he said, touching your shoulder. 

“Are you okay?” you asked him, short on words or what to say. 

“I’m just tired and my thoughts are all over the place. I haven’t smoked all day either.” he said, walking away towards the door and closing it gently after him. You watched him go, your hand turning into a fist on your lap. What could be running through his head? It was hard enough to accept everything you ever told him was from a preset choice of words but on top of that… you had romanced all his friends. You knew their ins and outs. You could have been here and had any of them fall for you since you already knew what to say and how to act for them. This was just getting messier the longer you stayed here. 

“Where did you hear the name Saeyoung” Seven asked, not ten seconds after Zen had disappeared through the doorway. 

“You told me it” you said, looking down to your legs. 

“Liar. I’ve never said that name in the RFA chatroom”. He said, leaning over on his chair. “No one has ever said that name in the chatroom. Did you do a background check on me?” 

“No. You heard what I just said. I’m not from here. The app had those preset answers and I just chose the answers. It was a game but I… I fell in love with Zen” you said, picking at your fingernails nervously. “And I love all the rest of the RFA members as if you were family. Please believe me when I tell you I have no ill will against any of you. I-I want to be your friend” you pleaded with him. He looked at you skeptically.

“So in this game do we throw a party?” Seven asked.

“Yes, after 10 days” 

“Then what?” 

“Then the game is over and you start again from the moment you’re introduced into the app. Then you pick different answers and you end up with a different member”

“How did you get the app?”

“It’s a game. It’s just available for download. It is very popular, lots of people play it.”

“And all these people romance the members of the RFA?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes” you said. “Heh. You’re actually most people’s favorite character”

“What?” he said, taken aback.

“Yeah, you’re considered to be the “true ending”” you say. 

“So why aren’t you here in love with me?” he asked, crossing his legs on the chair and leaning back on it. He had a smirk in his lips, but his eyes still seemed serious. The question took you by surprise and you had to take a second to answer it. Besides, looking at him, you could see he was captivating. Not for his looks, but… there was this strange familiarity that drew you in. It was as if you could see into his soul. In a way, you had before. You had played his route and you knew so much about him... And he knew nothing about you. You were at such an advantage. 

“Because... the answers that lead to your good ending are not the answers I would choose.” you said, frankly. “You’re... a lovely guy and you’ve been through a lot. But.. my choices don’t lead me to you. Zen is the one for me” you said

“Okay” he says, nodding as if he’s trying to understand. “What else do you know about me?”

“Well…” you say, sitting up straight and taking a deep breath. “I might know more than you. Are you sure you want to know?” 

“What?” he asked, not understanding what you meant. “Just tell me what you know.”

“Okay... “ You say, thinking thoroughly about what you wanted to say. You didn’t want to lie to Seven but you didn’t want to freak him out either. You remembered how hurt he’d been when he found out about Saeran’s situation with Mint Eye and Rika. How V had lied about… everything. How Seven trusted V so much- and clearly in this timeline he still did, he had wanted to call him to tell him what was going on with you. Besides, you really felt you had a duty to help Saeran, after all, he had always been the one to bring you to the RFA. You rested your head on your hand and breathed. You were about shed light on some stuff he’d hate to hear. You worried he might not believe you - he just met you, any relationship you had with him through the app he believed was not real. Then again, up until very recently you also thought of him as a computer game.  “Okay I will tell you everything I know. I don’t know how… I don’t know how accurate this will be to this… this universe. A lot of things happened on every route and… I don’t know what may or may not have happened here.”

“I just told you we haven’t had a party. What else would have happened?” he says

“Just… I will do my best to tell you everything I know, okay? And just… just remember I am on your side. I want to help you.” You said, trying to give him the most honest look you could. “I’ll… I’ll start from the beginning. I know you’re the son of a… politician who was having an affair. “You saw his eyes widen when you said this. You looked him in the eyes and continued. “You have a twin brother, Saeran. Your mother… was not kind to you two as children, to put it lightly.” You said, feeling choked up about it. His storyline was very sad but since you had never believed it to be real it never affected you this much. You never thought you’d have to tell him you knew his past. A tear threatened to run down your cheek and you wiped it away. He was deadly silent but his eyes seemed… nervous? Angry? You couldn’t read his expression. You managed to regain your voice and continued. “You found religion and met Rika and V. You learnt everything you could on computers. You trusted V and Rika to help Saeran, you escaped your mother’s house, you took the name Luciel as your baptism name, and came to work for a secret agency. You move often so no one can find you. You are addicted to Honey Buddha Chips” a nervous chuckle escaped your lips when you said this, but your vision was blurry. Were you crying? You wiped your tears away and kept going. “You like to dress as a girl sometimes and take pictures, and… and you’re incredibly kind and loyal. You show this front of being a jokester but in reality you’re hurting inside for leaving Saeran…”

“Stop” he said, looking at you with cold eyes. “How the hell do you know all this?”

“I told you, I’ve… I’m from a different dimension or something, I don’t know. I played this game with different endings and turns out this is your reality. I can’t even explain how I am here. I thought this was a dream. I don’t even know what to think anymore.” you said. You were exhausted, emotionally and physically. You wiped away the tears with the sleeve of your shirt and when you looked up Seven was offering you a box of tissue. “Thanks” you said, grabbing one. 

“I don’t understand what is going on” Seven said, sitting back on the chair in front of you. “Either you’re an amazing actress and this is some kind of… con against me, or…” he pulled at the string of his headset, definitely seemed like a nervous habit. “Or you’re telling me the truth. I’m just… I mean how would you feel is someone came into your life knowing everything about you and told you they were from a different dimension.”

“I know.” You said,trying to keep your voice steady. “How do you think I feel trying to explain this to someone when I don’t even get it myself?” 

“Yeah…” he said, finally giving you something that seemed like the semblance of a smile. “Have you told Zen any of this?” 

“No… I thought I was dreaming the first time I showed up here.” You felt redness coming to your cheeks remembering the first time you saw Zen. It dawned upon you that if this all had not been a dream, you pretty much slept with him right after meeting him. The thought unnerved you a little - that was not like you at all. Was this something he did regularly? And you hadn’t use protection -

“Why did you say I trusted Rika and V to help Saeran?” Seven interrupted your thoughts. “You said it like I don’t trust V anymore”

“Uh…” this was it. This was the big reveal. You hesitated to answer but you knew you were going to tell him everything anyways. “Well… Rika is mentally unstable” you started. How could you explain to Seven everything that happened or might happen. 

“You mean was” Seven said, correcting you. “Rika died about a year and a half ago and she wasn’t mentally ill”.

“Well... “ oh God, what to say next. “So… I don’t know how right I may or may not be about this. I don’t know what has happened in this reality… But things that seemed to overlap in all the storylines was that V lied about Rika’s death.”

“What?” Seven asked. “No, he wouldn’t do that”.

“Yeah… he did.” you say, calmly. 

“No. He wouldn’t lie to us.” Seven said, getting agitated. “And I don’t appreciate you coming to my house to spread lies about my friend.” 

“Okay, okay, I get it.” You say, letting him have this. “I said I might not be right about everything. I mean, different things happen in different parts of the story I know so it could be its different here” you say. 

“I think we’re done talking here.” Seven says. “I don’t know who you are and I don’t think I want to hear anything else you want to say.” He says, getting up. “Let me get Zen”

“Wait, wait” you stop him. “Just please, if I was right about any of the other things I said before… Just let me finish telling you what I know and then you can do some research and find out if I was right or not. I promise I am not coming here with the intention to spread lies, I haven’t said anything to any of the RFA members, I just want to tell you what I know.”

“Why? What do you have to gain by telling me anything?” he says, walking towards the door. “I don’t know even know why you’re here”

“I’m telling you all this because it might help you save Saeran” you say, right before he reaches the door and it stops him in his tracks.

“...save him from what?” he says, turning around slowly. “He is fine”

“No… I don’t think he is” you say, getting up from the couch “Please, let me just tell you what I know”. 

Seven turned around and slowly walked back to the couch, sitting in front of you. “Okay.”

“Okay” 

“But how do I know you’re telling me the truth? That you’re not just trying to break apart the RFA?”

“Uh… I’ll tell you some things you might be able to verify” you say, trying to comb your brain for everything you remembered. Suddenly you wished you hadn’t skip through so many chatrooms on the routes you weren’t as invested in. “Okay… just know that everything I tell you may or may not have happened, maybe it won’t happen, or-”

“Just tell me what it is you think you know before Zen comes in. I’d rather he not know until I know what is reliable information” Seven cuts you off

“Right, right” you say, sitting up straight. “V lied about Rika’s death because she is unstable and he was trying to protect the members of the RFA. Rika went and formed a cult called Mint Eye. She is drugging her followers and making them believe they’re in paradise. Saeran learned to use computers and to hack, as far as I know, it was likely him who introduced the virus that connected me to the RFA app.”

“Okay…” he says, questioning what you’re saying. “Do you know where this cult is gathering?” 

“No”

“Do you know how I can reach Rika or Saeran?”

“No. And V will probably deny all of this”

“You realize there’s no way for me to verify any of this” he says.

“There’s something.” you say, remembering. “There is information on Mint Eye in Rika’s apartment. In a drawer. Plans of the house they’re in and information. Maybe even an address”

“In Rika’s apartment? How do I know you didn’t plant it there?”

“Don’t you keep tabs on Rika’s apartment? Wouldn’t you know if someone breaks in?”

“Fair enough”

“Besides, I am not going anywhere near Rika’s apartment, you put a bomb there” Seven’s eyes widen in surprise with your last statement. 

“How do you know that?”

“Same way I know everything else. Please go save Saeran. He needs you. The drugs that Rika is forcing him to take aren’t good for h-”

“STOP. JUST STOP” Seven screams at you, visibly upset. “Rika would never do this. V wouldn’t do this. You said some things that are true but until I have proof, I won’t believe anything you say.”

“Right, right and you should, I don’t know that I am right about what I said, the timelines are different, Just… just promise me you’ll be careful”

“Careful?” 

“If you find that what I say is true and you go rescue Saeran… he might attack you. He… he is under the effects of the drugs and he believes you abandoned him. He doesn’t want to see you”

“Saeran wouldn’t hurt me, that just goes to show how little you know” he says, almost to himself.

“Just... be careful. This isn’t the Saeran or Rika you know”

“Are you sure you’re not talking about someone else? Maybe someone else named Rika? I mean… she’s been dead for a year and a half, I find it hard to believe that she’d do this. She was friends with all of us, even Yoosung is family.” 

You deny with a shake of your head. There’s not much else for you to say now. You remember how loyal everyone in the RFA is to V and Rika’s memory and you can only hope he listens to you, or at least listen to you enough to look into what you said. 

“I will… I will look into it.” He says, after a minute of uncomfortable silence. “Please don’t say anything to anyone in the RFA, even Zen. At least until I can prove if there’s any truth to it”

You agree, despite always feeling like there were too many secrets being kept from the RFA members. Now you were keeping secrets too, but at least now you knew it was only until Seven could verify if there was any truth to this. 

“I’m… I’m going to go check on Zen” you say, getting up from the couch. 

“Right, yes” he says, walking with you and opening the door to the outside. You step outside and find Zen sitting on the steps of the doorway, a cigarette bud on the floor but none on his hands. He turns and stands up to see you. His face almost unreadable, yet the moonlight gently touching his features made him look stunning, breathtaking. You had never seen anything quite so beautiful. His silvery hair reflected the paleness of the moon. His eyes a shade of dark red, almost like garnets that glistened in the darkness. Had he been crying? 

“Zen? Are you okay?” you asked, concerned you'd hurt him. Your voice sounded much shakier than you intended. Could he tell you'd been crying? He gave you a slight smile and a nod,  a sign that told you you'd talk later… but it was a lame attempt at reassuring you. You questioned him again with your eyes, almost begging for some comfort. He understood your plea and reached out for your hand. You breathed easier once you felt his warmth. 

“Luciel” he said, turning to Seven who still stood behind you. “Were you… able to figure anything out?”

“I'll do some research about the things she said. I'll get back to you guys if I find anything.” 

“Okay. I'm beat MC, let's go home” zen said, still holding onto your hand. You nodded and went down a step towards him, but you turn to Seven. 

“I'm sorry I dropped all that stuff on you. I hope it all works out” you said to Luciel

“You're wrong you know” Seven said, before stepping back into his doorway. “I'll prove it to you. Nice seeing ya, Zen. We'll… we'll be in touch” 

“Yeah. Same” Zen replied.

 

You rode Zen's motorcycle with him back to his place. Exhaustion was starting to get to you. It felt like you'd been awake for days but really it had only been about 24 hours. You could tell Zen was exhausted as well, he got home and threw himself onto the couch without so much taking off his leather jacket. You knelt next to him and put your hand over his head, caressing him softly. A yawn escaped your lips and your body felt heavy. 

“Zen… I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the other routes before” you start, as it was weighing on your mind heavily. You’d worried this would be a problem, that it would freak him out, that it would hurt him. “I just… I wasn’t trying to hide it, they just… didn’t mean anything romantic to me.” You couldn’t say they didn’t mean anything, you did love all the RFA members but in a different way - you loved them as friends. You cared for them. You wanted to help them, but they did not stir in you the feelings you’d have when you stared at Zen. He took a deep breath and sat up on the couch, then pulled you towards him. 

“MC… Princess... “ he began, as he wrapped his arm around you. “I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I can't explain how I fell so hard for you in such a short time. It's… it's mystical. When I touch you, when I kiss you… “ he said, putting a soft kiss on your lips, that lingered just long enough for you to savor him “My heart races,  my lips ache for yours, my hands just want to touch you all the time… it's like you're an angel that's come down to earth and into my life just to make me happy… like a sense of euphoria… and I know, I know I can be a bit possessive, a bit jealous, I can’t feel secure if you don’t have a sense of belonging and responsibility towards the other person...  but you being here… it feels so fleeting, not knowing when you might be gone again, when you might be back, and then knowing you had a similar relationship with my friends as you had with me, with… with programmed words. With choices that may have not been what you’d want to say, it's just… it's just a lot to deal with”

“I know…”

“I just… I worry that if I lost you I’d quit everything in my life and do nothing but look for you and…” his words were staggering “and just knowing about the other routes made it seem all too real that for you I was part of a game. What if you hadn’t played my route? I feel like I am holding onto you desperately by a thread when you could have been here for anyone else”

“Oh. No Zen…” his words made your eyes watery. His insecurities were getting the best of him and it hurt to watch. You never wanted to do this to him. “I’ve told you before and I will tell you again. I love you and only you, I love you so much. I could never love anyone else the way I love you” you put your hands on his cheeks and he pushes onto you, laying on top of you on the couch. He rested his head on your chest and held you fiercely. His breath was heavy against your skin, as if he was trying to hold back tears. “I love you Zen.” You said, placing your hands over his head, caressing it softly. You felt so safe in his arms and you never wanted to let him go. You never wanted him to let you go. The tears that had been threatening to run down your cheeks now ran down your temples. You closed your eyes for a second, just to breathe in that citrus smell of his hair. To feel his regular breathing on your body. To just hold him. And before you knew it, you were fast asleep in his arms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, this chapter. I've got a few things to say. First of all, yes, this is Part II of chapter 9 but in and of itself it is longer than my normal chapters lol. 
> 
> 1\. We finally get to really meet another RFA member (I know we meet Jaehee first but it doesn't really count since they didn't realize who they were). I know a lot of you out there are big fans of Seven and I was trying to show his serious persona (you all know how he was when you play his route, before he accepts his feelings for MC).
> 
> 2\. I manage to sneak in two of Zen's quotes from the game into his dialogue with MC in this chapter, lets see if anyone can figure them out lol. I did this on purpose because sometimes I worry that I don't characterize him the way he is. Everyone projects the way they want their character to be - but I wish for this to be as cannon as possible. 
> 
> 3\. (SPOILERS) I'll admit telling Seven about Saeran and V and Rika just felt so goddamn good. I don't know if you guys would have done this given the chance - but after playing V's route and seeing how much suffering Saeran is going through, being drugged and bullied by RIka... I just had to have MC tell Seven. It was honestly fan service, fan service to MYSELF. That POOR BABY RAY NEEDS RESCUING. Besides, he might have had a hand in how MC came to be in this dimension. Who knows?
> 
> 4\. As always, please critique, comment, holler, send smoke signals, anything. I want to know if you're reading this. If you spot any grammar errors please let me know so I can fix them. 
> 
> And last but not least, thank you for reading!!


	11. I Just Want Something to Grasp On Right Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter because I wanted to end on a cliffhanger. I am terrible, I know. I love cliffhangers. Don't you?
> 
> See comments at the end of the chapter.

You felt like the air got plummeted back into your lungs with the force of a anvil. Every time you took a breath it felt like a million needles were stabbing the inside of your throat lungs. You closed your mouth and your lips immediately hurt - as if they were really chapped. More than that, the inside of your mouth was covered by what felt like goo. You sat up to try and spit it out - bad idea. Several things happened at once: As soon as you tried to move, your head was spinning. You were so disoriented it wasn’t until you opened your eyes that you realize you were on the floor of your backyard. This was the worse case of dizziness you ever had in your life. Your head was pounding furiously and your entire body was painfully sore. You rolled face down and used your arms and legs to push yourself off the ground when a sudden case of vomiting came over you. Not much came out - barely any liquid and no food but the gagging made your abdomen contract achingly. You pushed your fingers onto the floor, as if to steady yourself, but you weren’t spinning, just everything around you. After a few minutes of painful dry-heaving, you were able to stand up but quickly moved to hold onto a wall. You were parched, nauseous, and everything hurt. You noticed the pajama pants you were wearing were stiff between your thighs - had you peed on yourself? 

You walked to the restroom using the wall for support. You leaned against the sink and opened the faucet, pouring water over your dry lips and sucking some in - you felt like you’d die of thirst and you didn’t drink some right away. The dry heaving returned quickly but you managed not to throw up the few gulps of water you took. You looked at yourself in the mirror and examined yourself - you had some sunburn on your face, your lips were chapped so badly the crevices looked like they may bleed if you moved your lips too much. You looked at the side of your face and noticed what looked like some dry blood on your left ear? There wasn’t much, it could have just been dirt. You looked like death in general and needed a bath so you started the bathtub. You took your clothes off and noticed your pants were caked onto your legs. Yeah, you definitely had an accident. What the hell happened to you? 

Once the tub was semi-full you left yourself fall into the lukewarm water. Nothing felt better than the water against your skin. Things were starting to somewhat stop spinning but you couldn’t move your head too quickly or everything would feel like a fidget spinner and you be throwing up again. You leaned back on your tub and tried to remember. Had you fallen asleep outside? For how long? You washed your face, your head, and everything else slowly and meticulously. You felt disgusting. You got up on the bathtub and showered, letting the water rinse you and run through your body. You needed to go to the doctor again, this was not normal. You’d rather not go to the hospital again but you at least needed to see a doctor. You stepped out of the shower hesitantly - you were still feeling lightheaded. You reached for your phone and suddenly you remembered - Zen. You bent over and began dry heaving again. How could you forget? You had been with him for over 24 hours until you couldn’t stay awake any longer. You had seen a psychic, seen him rehearse for his play, and even met Saeyoung. Saeyoung…  and you told him as much as you could recall off the top of your head about Saeran and Mint Eye. Hopefully it was enough. You went and grabbed your phone and noticed it only had about 2% battery left and 23 missed calls. Most of them from your mother, about 3 of them from your boss, and a few others from a co-worker. Then you looked at the date - it was Tuesday morning. The last day you remembered was Sunday. Were you asleep for over 30 hours in your patio?

You called your mother and eased her nerves - she’d been worried you hadn’t answer your phone when she called you. If she didn’t live a state away she would have knocked your door down to check on you. You called your boss next- you were supposed to return to work on Monday. You apologize profusely and told him you’d been sick and you’d be going to the doctor that day. You apologized for not calling and try to explain you had been with a fever but you felt that if it wasn’t for your good record with the company your boss would have fired you for a no-call no-show. At least you were able to get a few more days off but you’d have to go see a doctor, if not for feeling like crap, at least because you’d need a note.

You figured with a recent concussion a neurologist might be the way to go - perhaps there might even be an explanation for what was going on with you. Alas, you found a doctor and after some pleading with a phone operator, they agreed to squeeze you in that same day. Luckily, you had your scans from the hospital after having the concussion so at least the doctor would be able to see those. You got dressed and grabbed a yogurt which you ate very, very slowly, worried your stomach might reject it. You gagged a couple of times but the yogurt stayed put. Success. You grabbed your car keys and got into your car - but things were still spinning. Better not drive. You called an uber instead - after all, the doctors office was only 10 minutes away. 

You got there early, filled out the paperwork, and sat in the waiting room. Your phone hadn’t charged all that much but luckily you were able to sit by an outlet and you had taken your charger with you. Your popped open the Mystic Messenger app - it looked perfectly normal. There wasn’t even a route open, you didn’t have any missed chats, nothing. You opened the common route and it started as normal. You skipped the prologue, landing you on the first day. It was 9am. The chat available was “Jumin’s lonely morning” at it looked the same as it had every time you played the common route. You saw Zen chatting nonchalantly and a knot built on your throat. You put your phone away. It was hard enough to see this… scripted version of him when you’d seen the real deal. But doubt continued to creep over you -  _ had you really met him? Maybe it was just a hallucination from hitting your head before. Maybe you slept for so long because of that concussion… _

“MC?” someone calling your name dragged you out of your looming thoughts. You grabbed your things and followed the medical assistant to a little room. In there, you spotted some hand sanitizer and used some - remembering too late you had cut your finger while slicing an apple and it would burn if it touched the hand sanitizer - except it didn’t. You rubbed your hands thoroughly and looked at them- you recalled clearly cutting your finger but the cut was gone or rather, it had never been there. The medical assistant asked you some questions on your history, put the images of your recent scan on the computer screen, and left you alone to wait. You were battling the urge to go through your phone when the doctor walked in. It was an older overweight man of average height with long greyed hair who was too loud for the small room they’d put you in. He asked about your symptoms and you explained you had a concussion and you’d gone to the hospital. More recently, you’d fallen asleep on your backyard for over 30 hours. You mentioned having very vivid hyper-realistic dreams but you didn’t dare mentioning you believed they were real. 

The doctor seemed somewhat interested in your story but halfway through he began looking at his computer instead. You noticed he was looking at your recent CT scan so you continued to relay the story. After you were done, there was a minute of uncomfortable silence until he spoke again.. 

“Are you taking any drugs?” he asked, seemingly out of nowhere.. 

“No, I am not taking any medications.” you replied mindlessly. It was hard for you to concentrate on everything he was going over.

“Any illegal drugs? Hallucinogens? Opiates?” he asked. It very nearly sounded like an accusation. 

“No, I’ve never done any drugs” you answer, almost defensively. “I don’t smoke, I rarely drink alcohol” you said. 

“One of my partners in the practice is a pain management doctor so we drug screen our patients. Would you mind giving us a urine sample?”

“You don’t believe me?” you ask, now almost insulted.

“Your story is interesting but considering there’s nothing really wrong in your scans, my second best guess you either took something or somebody slipped you something. Just allow me to rule it out and we’ll move on to other options” he said, assertively. “We’ll also test for a few other things”

“...okay” you say. You had nothing to hide, honestly. Might as well prove it. A medical assistant came in and handed you a bunch of paperwork you didn’t bother reading and a little cup. 5 minutes later you were back in the same room and about 10 minutes later the doctor came back in. 

“Alright, so it looks like you weren’t lying about not doing any drugs, however…” he starts, while looking at your chart on the computer. “One of the tests came back inconclusive so we’ll have to send it over to the lab.. We’ll get the results back in about a week. In the meantime, I’d like you to see a psychiatrist and I’m also going to send you for a sleep study.” he says, opening the door of the room to call out for his assistant. “Get her the information for Dr. Cywnar and send her to the sleep clinic. As of now I’m thinking it may be a case of post-concussive disorder. If anything else happens, give us a call and come back in about a week so we can go over your test results” 

“Okay...” you say, without having much choice. Honestly, you had thought about seeing a psychiatrist considering how much you had questioned your sanity lately. As soon as you left the neurologist office, you called the psychiatrist. They’d see you in about 5 days. The neurologist gave you a note for work and you went by the same day to give it to your boss at the office. Your coworker came over to say hi and said you looked like you hadn’t slept in two days. You boss took a look at you and sent you back on your way. You told him if you woke up feeling better the next day you’d come in and he agreed. You had to admit you really appreciated how flexible they were being with you. 

You went back home and tried to eat some eggs but the smell made you want to hurl so you just laid on your couch. Your entire body was still sore. You wondered if you’d have another dream if you fell asleep. You closed your eyes and thought about Zen. His luscious silvery hair, his garnet deep eyes that pierced right through you. The way he touched you and the way he kissed you. You had never experienced anything like that before. It was as if… as if he was a part of you that you had been missing your whole life. How absurd, to feel that way about a videogame character… and yet, you couldn’t deny your feelings. 

You woke up about an hour later still on your couch. You felt groggy, but you had had no dreams. You got up and found your cold eggs still on the table and took a bite. It went down easier. The rest of the afternoon was uneventful. That night you went to sleep on your bed and woke up the next day on your bed. You were feeling better, as if you were regaining your health. You’d been able to keep food down so you went to work. The rest of the day went back to normal, except for some difficulty concentrating on your work and a brief spell of dizziness when you got up from a chair too quickly. Other than that, things had gone back to normal. 

Soon enough, your appointment for the sleep study came around and you passed with flying colors. You didn’t even snore. A few days later, the psychiatrist appointment came around. You went in and told the doctor the same story you had told the neurologist. He asked about drugs and you told him the neurologist asked and tested you for it, with negative results. He asked about hallucinations and you admitted to “very vivid dreams” but that otherwise you had felt ok. You still couldn’t bring yourself to tell anyone, especially a doctor, you thought you were traveling to another dimension to see your soulmate, a videogame character. He reviewed the results of the sleep study and your CT scan. 

“I’d like you to see an Endocrinologist.” Dr. Cywnar (the psychologist) said.

“Huh?” you asked, confused.

“It may be a hormonal imbalance. If you can’t get in to see them quickly, perhaps an appointment with your OBGYN just to get started, they should be able to check your hormone level to see if that can be the problem.” 

You walked out of that office starting to feel exasperated. You called the endocrinologist and sure enough, his next appointment for a new patient was not until 3 weeks. You called your OBGYN and she’d be able to see you in just another week. You made appointments with both and went back home. Every night before going to bed you’d fall asleep thinking of Zen, hoping that your dreams would take you back to him. But alas, every morning you continued to wake up in your bed and no inter-dimensional travel or any vivid dreams had taken place.

Your OBGYN appointment came in and you showed up on time. Routinely, you always had to give a urine sample for a pregnancy test prior to seeing the OBGYN. It was just standard procedure. A few minutes later, your OBGYN, Dr. Hun came in. After some basic greeting, you told her the story with the concussion and the prolonged sleeping. She agreed to test some of your hormone levels but advised you to keep your endocrinologist appointment.  A medical assistant came in later and announced that your urine pregnancy test had come back invalid - she’d need another urine sample or some blood work. Since they were going to test for your hormone levels, they’d just test for that too. You agreed and your blood was drawn in the office. She asked if you had any sexual partners and you got away with answering “Only in my dreams”. The doctor laughed but only a sad smile graced your face.

You went home exhausted after work that day. You had been able to get food down and things were starting to settle. It had been almost two weeks since you’d had any dreams about Zen and honestly, you were really starting to feel that it had been nothing more than a dream. Even google searches for sleeping for that long only talked about people in a medically induced coma or the record holder for most days without any sleep. Of all the doctors you had seen so far, they all had little answers for you and other than waiting for those hormone tests, you didn’t have much else to do but wait. Well, there was one test you could do at home. You drove to the pharmacy and stared and the home pregnancy tests. You weren’t even late for your period yet… but you hadn’t use protection. And the test at the OBGYN had been invalid. Just for some peace of mind, you decided to get it and tried at home.

No later than 10 minutes, you were waiting for the results of the test. You’d never tested yourself for this before and despite being… almost sure it would be negative, your heart was beating fast. You hadn’t bat an eye when they tested you at the doctor’s office but… invalid? Now you just needed to know. When the minute was over, you looked at the results.

Negative. You breathed a sigh of relief. Of course it was negative. You can’t get pregnant from having sex in your dreams. But if it had been positive… then it would have been proof that Zen was real. That he wasn’t just a dream. You started to laugh at the irony of it. You didn’t want to have a baby but if it had meant that there was even a chance that Zen had been real… you would have figured something out. You missed him. Your heart ached for him. Your body screamed for his touch. Your soul cried out for him… and before you realized what was going on, you felt tears landing on the test strip you were still holding.

_ He’s not real. It was all just a dream after all. _ You told yourself. You need to keep it together better. It just seemed that your mood kept getting worse and worse. You felt sad all the time and despite the horrible feeling you experienced after waking up from seeing him, you’d do it all over again. You went to bed upset that night, feeling anguish building in your chest. You’d never meet anyone like him, it would have almost been better to never had met him at all, no one could ever compare to him. No, that wasn’t true. You were glad you had met him. It had been the most amazing experience of your life so far. After struggling to relax your thoughts for what seemed like half the night, you fell asleep.

The next day nothing much had changed. You woke up and headed to work. Almost at lunch time you got a call from your OBGYN asking you to come in the next day to go over your test results so you set up an appointment. The rest of the day was uneventful. That night you went to sleep again hoping to see him again, even if it wasn’t a vivid dream. Your wishes just weren’t coming true. 

The next morning you woke up more refreshed than previous days. It seems you were getting back into your normal routine. You were able to keep food down and you hadn’t experienced any dizziness for the past few days. You went to your OBGYN appointment and followed the normal routine - urine pregnancy test, wait in the room for the doctor. Except this time, the assistant asked you to take your clothes off and put on a robe. You didn’t think much of it and complied. About 10 minutes later, your doctor came in. 

“Okay so, let me review a few things with you” she started “I had marked here you said no current sexual partners?”

“That’s right”

“Within the last month?” she verified

“No”

“You know, I won’t judge. You don’t have to lie to me” she said, putting her clipboard over her lap and looking mildly annoyed.

“I’m not lying” you insist. You really didn’t want to explain to your OBGYN that you had been sexually active in another dimension. 

“Well, either you are lying or you cannot remember” the doctor said “because your bloodwork results show a very early pregnancy”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could have made it longer but I can only write so much angst. And I didn't want to bore you with so much medical interaction because I have a LOT more medical interaction coming her way.  
> Also - let me know if you think her medical interactions are unrealistic - I tried my best to make it as realistic as possible and I work in the medical field (I used to work in an ER and later in the same office with a neurosurgeon) so I feel its realistic for the areas I worked in. Any resemblance to any real doctors is coincidence, btw, I did not make them in the image of anyone I know or worked with before. 
> 
> But anyways, back to the story. What do you think of the cliffhanger? any theories? I can only comment that things are about to get weirder. 
> 
> OFF TOPIC: anyone got the NSFW Zen fanzine? ITS AWESOME!


	12. I’d Be An Idiot Not To Be Grateful For That

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide. No escape from reality. Open your eyes. Look up to the skies and see. Is that a new chapter in just a couple of days?

You could hear a pin drop. That couldn’t be right. There had to be an error.

“That’s impossible.” You say, trying to sound confident. Trying to convince yourself it was impossible. It  _ was  _ impossible. There was no way.

“Well, the chances of a lab error is very low.” the doctor continued. “You do know condoms are not 100% pregnancy proof. And you’re not on any birth control. Regardless, according to these results, you should be just under 3 weeks. We should just be able to see something on ultrasound.” 

You nodded. You couldn’t believe it. It just wasn’t possible. It also wasn’t possible that you’d travelled to a dimension where Zen was alive and he loved you. 

The doctor instructed you to lie down on the table and place your legs on the stirrups. The doctor explained it would be a transvaginal ultrasound so she had to insert a transducer in you. You nodded, but in reality it was as if her words were just going into one ear and out the other one. They were meaningless.  _ Pregnant.  _ Before you knew it, she had counted down to 1 and smoothly put a lubed-up transducer in you. You held your breath but the doctor told you to relax. 

“Huh” she said as she gently moved the transducer inside you. 

“What?” that worried you even more.

“Well, I actually can’t find anything. There is no visible gestation sac which is what I would expect to see from your hCG levels. It might just be too early to see anything.” she said, removing the transducer after a few minutes. “You’ll have to come back in about two weeks. Have you had any vaginal bleeding?”

“No” 

“It’s not impossible that it was a miscarriage. We’ll repeat your bloodwork today, it should have doubled in the last few days. If it hasn’t, we might be looking at a miscarriage or even a possible ectopic pregnancy which would be very dangerous. It could also be a few other things but it is unlikely given your recent pap smear results but we’ll worry about that after next week. Let’s get you an appointment a week from now to repeat the ultrasound and go over your bloodwork. If your blood work results are abnormal, we’ll give you a call as soon as we receive them. Okay?”

“Okay” you answered. You felt your hands shaking. Was it just cold in this room? After all, you were wearing nothing but a paper gown. 

“Alright. I’ll leave you to get dressed. Next time, don’t lie to your doctor about your sexual partners.”

“I… okay”  you say, giving up. You were not in the state of mind to argue with her or to try to explain what was going on in your head.

“Call me if you have any severe pain or any bleeding. If it happens in the middle of the night, call me, and go to the emergency room”

“Okay…” 

You headed to work after your early morning appointment but you couldn’t focus on absolutely anything.  _ Pregnancy. Possible miscarriage. Possible something else. Pregnancy. Zen.  _ Sometime in the middle of the afternoon you went to the restroom of your office and just… you needed some quiet. Some alone time.  _ Alone time from your own thoughts.  _ But there was no silence in your head. Everything just kept playing over and over.  _ Breathe. Breathe. What the fuck.  _

After you got home that day you went for a run to clear your head. The music on your headphones was too loud but you didn’t care. It drowned the sound of your own thoughts. Before realizing, you were headed in the same direction as when you climbed atop the same hill that first took you to meet Zen. When you reached the top, the sun was only starting to set. You could see the street that lead to your house from there. You looked at the sky and looked for a shooting star but found none. You sat there for almost an hour, until the sun had set and it was getting too cold for you to stay out with only workout clothes. You headed back home. 

After a shower, you climbed into bed. It was early but you just couldn’t stay awake anymore. You were emotionally exhausted and you didn’t want to hear your own thoughts anymore. Without giving it much thought you downed a couple of benadryl before lying down hoping it would help you get some rest. You wanted to see Zen so much. If you had been missing him since your return to regular life, you missed him now even more. You needed him. You needed him for emotional support. You opened the app as you laid in bed and ran through the chat history. Before you knew it, you were in the April Fool’s DLC, reading his words to you… And you felt your heart shrivel like a raisin. You knew that night you cried yourself to sleep.

* * *

 

You woke up groggy a few hours later. The benadryl you took was really making you foggy and lightheaded but you really had to pee. Had you fallen asleep on the couch? Had you sleep walked? You sat up and rubbed your eyes, looking around you. This wasn’t your house. This was Zen’s apartment. You shot up from the couch like it had burned your skin. You called out his name but there was no one home. You grabbed your phone and called him immediately - but it went straight to voicemail. UGH!! You went to pee and walked around his house, trying to think of the best way to reach him when you noticed an open notebook on the coffee table. A journal? No, it wasn’t a journal. This was for you. 

_ -MC, I’m going to the grocery store. If you come back call me. _

_ -MC, I’m going to rehearsals. I might not be able to get my phone. Come to the theater. _

_ -MC, I’m going for an audition, I’ll be back around 4:00pm. _

And so on and so on. About 3 pages of entries, each entry marked with a date and time. All of them with X’s next to them, clearly they were old entries and you hadn’t show. Then the last entry read:

_ -MC, today is the opening night of my play. It starts at 8:00pm. I won’t be able to answer my phone. I left a ticket for you on the table and a dress in my closet. Wish me luck. _

You found the ticket on the table and went to change. The dress fit you like a glove, quite literally. It was a skin tight little black dress. It kinda looked like the dress the main character wore on Zen’s normal ending. You found that rather amusing. Looking at yourself in the mirror you couldn’t help to notice that… you no longer saw yourself. This was definitely the main character from the game... but at least you had eyes. And it felt like the body was your body. You also found a pair of heels and threw on one of Zen’s coats. Despite his best intentions, this dress was slightly more revealing that you were accustomed to. You headed outside. And it was cold out. Very cold. You looked at the time - 8:20pm. You were late already, but you might be able to sneak in during the intermission if you made it in time. However, you didn’t have money for a cab. You couldn’t walk to the theater - you’d never make it. You couldn’t even stand outside longer than 5 minutes without feeling like your lips were turning blue. You needed a ride. A free ride. The only other person you knew was Seven. You started to call him but then remembered the conversation you had with him before. What if something had happened with Saeran? What if nothing was the same and you had inadvertently lied to him? You hoped Saeran was ok and that Seven had been able to use the information in a good way, but this was not what you wanted to deal with at the moment. You had to get to that play before it was over. How would you get there?  _ Jumin. Jumin would send you a car. Would he? You didn’t know him. But he knew MC?  _ You called him. You had to make it to that theater.  _ 3 pages full of disappointing Zen… _ No answer. You hung up..  _ Jaehee. She might even be at the play.  _ You dialed.

Not even 10 minutes later a black car was outside of Zen apartment. Jaehee was anything if not efficient. You took the ticket and jumped in the car. Jaehee wasn’t in it -she was out of town in business with Jumin and it was only luck that she answered the phone. But she was able to send you driver Kim without many questions asked. You recognized him as the driver you first saw when you arrived in this dimension the first time. 

He dropped you off at the entrance of the theater and you rushed in. 8:50pm. Final call to close the doors from intermission. You couldn’t believe your luck. You gave your ticket to the usher and he took you to your seat. You were literally the last person to sit down after the intermission before the play started. But you’d made it. And you hoped he’d find you in the crowd.

The room darkened. The full orchestra slowly rose from the ground. The maestro bowed to the audience before a soft melody took place. The story built up had already built up. A prince and a princess fighting a curse that turned her into a swan. A curse by an evil sorcerer who hoped to wed the princess and take over her kingdom. The first song after the intermission was a love duet between the two main characters that spoke of their everlasting love despite the distance. It resonated with you in so many ways. There was a knot in your stomach just from the anticipation to see him. You recognized the music of his first song and knew he’d come out soon. Your heart was racing, you could hear it almost as loud as the orchestra. 

When Zen stepped foot on the stage, your heart did a summersault. His voice was magical. Masculine, yet melodious and soft during the parts he expressed his love for her. Yet he sang to the crowd as the couple was separated during this duet. You hoped he’d find you but his focus was entirely to his performance. Perhaps he had looked for you in the crowd before the intermission and thought you weren’t there.  _ Please. Please find me. I’m here for you.  _ But if he found you, he made no signal of it. (If you were wondering what song I was imagining in this musical, it was “Far Longer than Forever” from The Swan Princess with Zen playing as Derek. The lyrics are PERFECT)

The show proceeded as planned. It received a standing ovation and you clapped for him like you had never clapped before. He was magnificent - he acted, sang, and dance like you had never seen anyone do before. It was the most glorious performance you had ever had the luxury to experience. Afterwards, you tried to stay behind to find him backstage but regardless of your pleading the ushers would not let you. Either they didn’t believe you knew him or they would just say you weren’t allowed regardless. You stood outside the theater, shivering in the cold. It was late - half an hour to midnight. The temperature had dropped even more. Then, you remembered where he parked his motorcycle in the back when you had come to rehearsals with him. You almost ran there but saw it was a gated lot - you couldn’t get in. Then you remembered the back entrance for staff, the one down the alley. The one Zen said it was taboo for anyone but theater staff to go into… but perhaps you could knock. 

You went around the back of the theater and found the door. You knocked - it was a metal door and it was icy cold. You stuck your hand quickly down the pockets of the coat. Your legs were freezing and you were almost positive you couldn’t feel your toes or your ears. No answer.  _ Dammit.  _ You knocked again, louder. You were freezing and could see your breath almost as if it was solid. Someone opened the door and you could feel the warmth coming out of it. It was a young staff member - not one of the actors. 

“Miss, this entrance is for staff only. I cannot let you in”

“Please, I… I am Zen’s girlfriend. I travelled really far to see him.” you tried to plead with him. It didn’t help that your jaw was shivering from cold. It was starting to snow.

“I can’t let you in, Miss, no matter who you know in here.” 

“Then, can you please, please tell him I’m out here. I’m going to wait for him but I’m freezing. His phone is off so I can’t tell him I am out here”

“I… “ you could see he wanted to help you but he looked young and nervous - perhaps he had been told to limit interaction with the cast members. “Okay, I will get him the message”

“Thank you, it would mean the world to me” you say to him, You heard someone yelled from the inside of the theater to close the door, the cold was seeping into the building. 

He closed the door behind him and left you back in that dark alley. You walked around trying to keep yourself warm. It wasn’t working. You saw snowflakes landing on your shoulder and disappear. The audience from the show were gone by now, it was too cold for anyone to loiter around. It was eerily quiet in that alley. This was the most excruciating wait you ever had to endure. The cold was starting to seep through the coat.  _ Why couldn’t it be warm out.  _ You shifted your weight from foot to foot. Heels weren’t helping the cause. You walked back and forth from the door, starting at the floor. It wouldn’t help to slip and fall in the snow… when suddenly you hear the door blast open, startling you. You barely had a chance to turn around before you felt arms around you and that familiar citric smell hits you even before you catch a glimpse of him.

“You’re here, Princess, you’re here” he kept muttering and you’re not sure if he’s trying to say it to you or he’s just trying to convince himself you’re really there.

“I’m here, I’m here” Your voice was shaking and you no longer knew if it was just from the cold outside. You turned around in his arms to see him - he wasn’t wearing a shirt.  _ He dropped everything to come see me.  _ “Zen, it is freezing out”

“Yeah, it is” he said. He put his hands on your neck and lifts your head up, pressing his lips on yours fiercely. You let him. You’d been dying to kiss him. His mouth was warm, inviting, but his tongue pushed into yours fiercely. Nothing else mattered around. That was just it - nothing else mattered around. You forgot it was cold outside, that your shoes were bothering you, and that your mind had been racing for the 12 hours with news you had to share. But all of it could wait - you were in his arms and you’d finally found peace. The kiss finally slowed down - and then he put his arms around your waist and buried his face on the crease between your neck and your shoulder. You could feel him trying to breathe you in. Your own arms were around his neck and you felt you would never let him go. 

“You were amazing tonight” you whisper in his ears. “Everyone loved your performance. It was incredible” you whisper to him. You can’t help but sneak your hand through his hair - it was so smooth. 

“You liked it?” he asked

“I loved it”

“I’m glad. Come, let’s go inside. It’s freezing out here” he said, standing up straight and grabbing hold of your hand. You followed him. 

The second you stepped in the warm theater it dawned upon you how cold you really were. Your ears and your nose suddenly seemed to regain feeling. 

“Just… try and keep your head down until we get to my dressing room” he said quietly in your direction. The first thing you noticed was a lot of members in various states of undress. Some removing makeup and some others just happy chatting with other cast members. Zen did his best to quietly smuggle you in but you noticed a few people gave you some dirty looks - especially other women. But for the most part, they were so busy celebrating and changing out of their costumes that they didn’t care to notice you. You ignored and off looks and walked closely behind Zen until you reached the first door of a narrow hallway. He opened the door and led you inside. It was full of various clothes racks, flowers, a couch, and a dressing cabinet with a huge mirror. There was some makeup on the dresser but not much - he didn’t need makeup to accentuate his already beautiful face. Once you were in he locked the door behind you and turned to you again. He just stood there, leaning his back against the door and stared at you. It made you somewhat uncomfortable. More than that, with all the lights in that room it was really warm so you took off Zen’s coat.

“You put on the dress” he noticed.

“Of course I did.” He had seen you naked and yet the way he stared at you while wearing this skin-tight dress made you blush. You put the coat over the couch and turned to him. You could never get over how stunning he was and you were in awe of his defined, lean frame. His hair was down, gently pooling over his shoulders as he stared at you. His garnet eyes followed the shape of your body. It was your turn now to run to him and you did. He welcomed you with his arms wide open. “God, I missed you so much. I’m sorry, I… I don’t know how to get back here to you. It just happens randomly and I can’t control it.” You didn’t know what else to say and he was quiet. He gently ran his hand over your hair, trying to soothe your frayed nerves. “I wanted to come back Zen, I really did. I really wanted to come back to you.”

“You’re here now. Let’s just… let’s just enjoy it” he said, kissing the top of your head. “You look beautiful” he added, gently running his finger over the fabric of the dress. 

“You left everything ready for me to come to your premiere. Did you know I’d be here?” 

“I dreamt you’d see my show” he said, smiling. “I was hoping I’d see you before that but it wasn’t until two days ago that I knew you’d come to my show. I saw you wearing that lovely little dress so I got it for you.” he took a deep breath before continuing “of all my dreams, this is the one I wish would come true the most”

“I wish I knew when I come here… I’d prepare better” you add “At least this time I’m pretty sure I’m in my bed”

“What do you mean?”

“Well… when I come here I come here while I’m sleeping. Last time I guess I fell asleep on the patio of my house? I was very sore after” sore was an understatement. He pulled your shoulders away to look into your eyes.

“Last time you were here, you were here for 30 something hours. Don’t tell me you were on the floor all that time?” he asks, concern in his eyes. 

“Well… I think at first I might have been on a lawnchair… but I woke up on the floor.”

“Were you hurt?”

“Just… mostly dizzy and dehydrated.” you say. It sounded a lot less severe when you put it that way. 

“I dreamt of you seeing various doctors but you seemed ok and they seemed unconcerned. I couldn’t quite remember what they were saying once I woke up so I wasn’t sure if they were just dreams or not… I must admit I was very anxious not knowing how to contact you”

“I did see a lot of doctors.”  _ I have to tell him.  _ ”I need to tell you… something”  you say. The calm that had washed over you when you were in his arms did an immediate turn - your heart was beating furiously and your hands were shaking again.

“What is it?”

“I…” you couldn’t get the words out. Well, the ultrasound didn’t show anything. Maybe you weren’t pregnant after all. Maybe it was an error from the lab. You shouldn’t tell him until you were absolutely sure. “I think I need to see a doctor here.”

“Why? what’s wrong?” he says, pulling your bangs away from your eyes.

“I’m not sure. The doctors in… in my dimension aren’t sure either. Perhaps I should try seeing someone here”

“We can do that. Uhm… It’ll have to be tomorrow. We’ll have to try and pull some strings to get you in such short notice. What kind of doctor?”

“Well… an OBGYN” you say, biting your lower lip. Would he assume anything based on that? His eyes widened in surprise when you said that.

“Are you…?” he asked, clearly implying the ending of that sentence.

“I don’t know”

“Did you test?”

“It was negative at home. At the doctor’s the bloodwork was positive but there was nothing on ultrasound. They said it might be too early to tell” He leaned his head back against the door and closed his eyes, deep in thought. It made you nervous. How did he feel about this? You couldn’t read his face. He was an actor - he knew how to control his emotions more than anyone else. There was a sudden knock on the door that made you jump.

“Yo, ZEN, we’re going out to a bar to celebrate the premiere with a few drinks” you heard a voice yell out from the other side of the door. “Are you in? You can bring your girl”

“I’m going to pass on that Tae Min” Zen answered. “I haven’t seen my girl in almost a month. My time now goes  to her and her alone”

“We can go if you want” You didn’t want to deprive him of his time to celebrate with his co-workers.

“They go after every rehearsal and they’ll go after every show. I’ve gone with them multiple times. I’d much rather spend that time with you” he said, pulling your hand towards his chest. “We do need to get out of here though. We’ll talk some more at home.” he says, kissing your hand before pulling away to put some clothes on. He threw on a long sleeved shirt and his leather jacket. He grabbed his coat and put it over your shoulders. He also handed you a scarf, a pair of gloves, and a beanie hat. “Let’s go home Princess”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave your comments below!! I really want to know what you think of this. And I know, I know, another cliffhanger. I can't help myself!
> 
> Now help me out in a comment. What do you think is going through Zen's head?


	13. I Can’t Help But Get Greedy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FLUFF. SO MUCH FLUFF. And some other stuff too. I'm not very good at fluff but I think this is better than my other attempts at fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are TWO (yes, two) easter eggs in this chapter (from other fandoms, not from mystic messenger). Lets see if you can guess what they are.  
> One of them was correctly guessed by cetuscaeruleum.  
> If you want to know the answer you can check in the comment section but I am not answering any more spoiler questions since the answer is in the comments lol.
> 
> The other easter egg is from a line from an anime I love love LOVE. Let's see if you can guess it right. 
> 
> If you guess what anime the reference is from, I will PM you the first half of the next chapter before it is posted. Sorry I don't have like amazing prizes or anything but this is the best I can do lol.

  
  


Zen took you by the hand and waved goodbye to his fellow cast members. He made a bee-line for the door with you following closely behind him. A whole bunch of people waved at him, congratulated him on a job well done, and a few others made lewd comments about him not joining the after party because you were in town. He waved goodbye to most of them and thank them for the compliments but didn’t let this slow him down. He put you on his motorcycle and trapped the helmet on your head over the beanie.

“Make sure your ears are covered.” he said, checking the helmet on you. He wrapped the scarf tightly around your neck and made sure the ends were tucked into your coat. He put on the other helmet and headed home with you. 

It was late at night and the roads were deserted. On the way home, however, you spotted a 24 hour pharmacy and signalled him to pull over. Coincidentally, as soon as he pulled over he got a call on his cell. He laughed and thanked the person on the other line before going into the pharmacy with you. You got what you were looking for, paid, and headed out. You felt nervous and terribly quiet. He hadn’t told you how he felt about what  _ probably _ was an unplanned pregnancy. 

“The guys from work got me a gift for tonight’s performance” he said to you as you walked back out from the pharmacy together. 

“Oh?” you managed to mutter out.

“You’ll see in a bit” he said, putting you back on his motorcycle. He drove for what seemed like 10 minutes longer than what it took to get home but you weren’t very familiar with the area. He pulled over at a large building that looked very much like a fancy hotel. He stopped to drop you off at the entrance and asked the valet where to park the bike. “Wait for me inside while I park, Princess, it’s cold.”

You nodded but waited outside. For some reason, even him leaving to park his bike seemed to pull at your heart. You never wanted to be far from his touch again. He parked nearby, luckily, and basically jogged towards you.  _ Did he feel the same way about being apart? Or was it just cold?  _ He took your hand and led you inside the hotel. He checked in at the front desk and laughed when he was told it was a suite. 

“The guys at work got us a suite babe” he said, getting the key for the room. 

“That’s really nice of them” you say, taking off the coat, the scarf, the beanie, and the gloves and holding onto them instead. Once inside the hotel it became really warm, really fast. They directed you to an elevator which you proceeded to get into with Zen. It was so late at night it was just the two of you out there. As soon as the elevator doors closed he pulled you into his arms again. “You’re quiet Princess”

“I know…” you say, breathing out and leaning your head on his chest “It’s just… it’s been a long day for me”

“I know babe…” he whispers into your ear. “We’ll figure everything out, okay?”

“Okay”

The elevator doors opened inside of a spectacular suite. Huge windows plastered the walls to a magnificent view of the city. There was a kitchen, rest area, and a king-sized bed. You both stepped out of the elevator and Zen heads over to look at the view of the city. You put the clothing items you were holding on the couch and remembered your recent purchase at the pharmacy. You grab it but take a second to look around the room, walking over to stand next to Zen, looking out to the balcony. 

“This is beautiful” you say, leaning your head on him. You look up to his face and find his gorgeous features illuminated by the glint of the moon. “You’re beautiful” the words leave your mouth before you finished your thought. He smiles while you blush. You weren’t lying. He was beautiful. He turns to you to hold your hand and finds the pregnancy test you just purchased. He looks at it and his eyes travel to your face.

“How do you feel about this?” he asks you

“I… I’m scared” you admit. “I’m terrified” He takes the test from your hands and throws it onto the bed. He holds your hands in his and rubs them gently. He is looking at the floor, as if trying to find the right words to say. You distract him. “How do you feel about this? You haven’t said anything” that was even scarier to you.

“I am scared also.” he says, still rubbing his fingers gently on your hands. “I am scared of you traveling across dimensions and not being able to come back to me. I am scared that if you are carrying my child, I won’t be able to see her. That I might not even meet her. That I won’t be with you for everything that you’d have to go through... doctor’s appointments, cravings, what if you get sick, what if you need money, what if… I can't be a father?“ he stops talking. You are dumbfounded over how much he’s thought about this since you’ve told him. He drops to his knees and wraps his arms around your torso, his head resting on your abdomen. “Most of all, I’m scared of how much I want this despite… everything. I am scared, I am scared that I won’t be able to protect you, that this might be bad for your health, and I’m just… I can’t imagine not being able to… to just be there for you. For her.” his breathing became jagged while talking.  _ Is he crying? _

“Her?” you ask. Your voice rough on the back of your throat. You had not realized he brought you to the brink of tears. 

“I dreamt of a little girl” he explains, looking up at you with teary eyes.

“A girl?” You gently wipe away his tears and drop down to your knees to be on his level.  _ A little girl. A little girl that looked like Zen.  _ You hadn’t realized how much you’d like that. 

“It wasn’t a lucid dream, I don’t know if it’s real or not… It happened after I met you” 

“You never told me that… “ 

“I have a lot of dreams, they don't always come true and… well, I didn’t want to scare you” he confessed. You run your hand through his hair gently. He wipes away the tears that sneaked through the corners of your eyes.

“It might not be though” you mumble, remembering what the doctor told you.

“That terrifies me as well” he says, pulling you into his arms. His warm embrace made it feel like everything could work out... even if you didn’t have the answers. Even if he didn’t have the answers. You could hear his heart beating fast in his chest - yet the sound was comforting. He was here with you. He was holding you. Everything would work out one way or another. 

“I’m scared to... even find out” you say. Any answer at this point would just open a rabbit hole to another set of problems. 

“One step at a time” he whispered. “We don’t have to do it now if you don’t want to.”

You didn’t want to… but you had to. Anxiety and not knowing made you even more flustered. You held onto him until your knees were asleep and you couldn’t feel your legs. You never wanted to let him go. He held you with the same fervor, his fingers gently caressing your back, your hair, your neck - as if trying to help relax you. After a while, you let go of him and stood up. You had to get some answers. You took the test from the bed and headed to the bathroom. You had to take a second to admire it - it had creamy marble floors, a mirror that took over almost the entire wall area, a spacious shower, and more impressively, a large jetted tub. At least 4 people could fit into that tub. You put the test on the sink and stared at it accusingly. As if it was the test’s fault that you were going through this. You shook the idea off your head and told yourself to stop procrastinating.  _ Just do it.  _

You followed the instructions and 5 minutes later you were waiting for the results. You felt your knees were weak while you waited. You put the test on the edge of the sink and hover over it, as if that will make it show you results sooner or if it can make you influence them in any way. A knock on the door drew you out of your thoughts. 

“Princess, can I come in?” he asks through the door. You opened it for him and he slides in, standing behind you but looking at the test over your shoulder. It was such a menial thing, yet it felt like he’d was protecting you from the results of the test. 

Then you saw it. It was a sharp, clear result. Two pink lines showing a positive test. While this didn’t completely rule out the possibility of a serious disease, it was certainly a step closer to the answer: you were pregnant. You looked up in the mirror and saw Zen’s face. He had a grin from ear to ear and you couldn’t help it - your mouth followed his and you found yourself smiling. 

“Stop…” you begged him, teasing, unable to get the smile off your face. “What are we going to do?”

“We’re not going to worry about that” he said, turning you around to look at you directly instead of through the mirror. “Something wonderful has happened. We are not going to worry about anything right now. This is a happy moment. This is the happiest moment of my life.” His eyes twinkled in the light like iridescent rubies. 

“You’re so unfair… how can I not be happy when you are like this?” you say, letting him bask you in the glory of his happiness. You pushed most of your worries away. “We really need to go to a doctor still though, I need to be certain”

“We’ll go tomorrow. We’ll do our best to make everything work out” he said, lowering his lips to yours. It was a long, drawn-out kiss. A kiss that symbolized love, affection, protection. It was slow at first but suddenly he bent back your head across his arm and began to kiss you with an abrupt eagerness that made you embrace him as if nothing else mattered. His incessant mouth parted your keen lips, allowing you to bask in the glory of his expert attentions on you. It had the power to clear your head of any remaining concerns and fill it up with nothing but silver hair, pale skin, and crimson eyes. He let you regain your balance swiftly before letting you out of his grasp. 

“I need a shower Princess. It’s been a long day. Would you care to join me?” he asked, almost a murmur from his lips, yet he walked over to the shower to began running it. 

“I’d rather try this jetted tub... “ you say, feeling redness going over your cheeks. This, at the very least, felt completely real, and whatever bravery you had was only fueled by the smile that appeared on his lips after hearing your suggestion. 

“As you wish” he said, letting the hot water begin to fill the tub. 

 

He walked over you and unclasped your dress, gently letting it fall on the floor. You hesitated for a second on your nakedness before realizing you were being silly. He’d seen all of you before. It was just this bathroom had a ton of mirrors and it was very well lit. And it didn’t help he that he was so beautiful and still wearing clothes. You turned to him and stripped him of his clothes, dropping them on the floor also. All that pale skin contouring a perfectly toned body made you bite your lower lip. The few hints of pink on his most private areas were a lovely gradient to his ivory exterior. He was simply stunning. He took you by the hand and led you to the jetted tub.

“Go ahead” he pointed out. “I’m just going to rinse in the shower for a second”

You nodded and stepped into the sultry water. It was wasn’t very hot so it didn’t take long for you to get all the way in. You found some bubble bath and poured some into the tub and soon after you found a the controls for the jets. You turned them on. Once you were relaxing in the water, the heat felt wonderful against your skin. The bubbles covered the surface of the tub fairly quickly thanks to the action of the jets and it made you smile. Zen stepped off the shower and walked over to the tub, standing right outside of it for a second. Your eyes trailed his milky skin and his strong abs... you had already seen him naked but you were never less amazed by how much he looked like a perfectly chiseled statue of male perfection. He stepped into the water and sat across from you, resting his head back on the edge of the tub and closed his eyes while a faint smile painted his lips - he seemed tired. Clearly he’d had a long day, it had been the premiere of his show, he was likely running around with the rest of the cast doing any last-minute things. You went over to him, moving the bubbles out of your way to reach him, placed your hands on his shoulders, and spread your legs on each side of him, sitting facing forward on his lap. He instinctively put his arms around your body and gently caressed your back. You rubbed his shoulders in response. 

“Your play was really amazing. I loved every minute of it. You were fantastic” you tell him proudly. “I had not realized how truly powerful your singing voice is. I felt enraptured the whole time” 

“Are you sure you weren’t just hypnotized by my superhuman looks?” he said, smiling.

“I’d say both” you confess, smiling back at him. You continued to rub his shoulders gently, pushing on his muscles. His hands gently drew circles on your skin until they found their way to caress your buttocks. A few minutes later, one of his hands had found its way to one of your breasts and massaged the nipple gently. You couldn’t help but to moan in appreciation of his ministrations. He put some pressure on one of your nipples with his fingers and you tugged his hair back as a reaction, exposing his neck to you. He quivered in response to you pulling his hair and you loved it. You leaned over and kissed the skin of his neck, trailing kisses from the corner of his shoulder to his Adam’s apple and farther up, until reaching his lips. You lifted a bit from his lap using your legs in order to reach his face. However, soon after he grabbed hold of your hips and dragged you back down to his lap. The only difference - now you could feel his stiff erection pressing against your entrance. It made your shiver - not from cold, but from anticipation. 

His slick hair rested on his face and when you looked down at him, your own hair rained down onto his body. You moved his hair away from his face to see him - you loved the feeling of his long hair that you wished he’d never cut it short. Even though in the back of your mind you knew there were not certainties in your situation - you may never come back and touch his hair again or see into his crimson eyes. You got lost in your thoughts for a second - enough time for him to move your hips to the right angle and push, making you sink down onto his manhood. A husky growl escaped his lips and you knew you had never heard anything sexier in your life. You began to move your hips slowly but your need of him built inside you faster than you expected. Before you knew it, you were moving faster and faster. He held onto your hips fiercely and you held onto the edge of the tub to keep your balance. At one point, he had one of your breasts in his mouth and it dissolved your body into pleasure. Rippling electricity pooled low within you until you could see nothing but white light sand all your senses were overwhelmed by the feeling of Zen. 

As you descended back to earth, you noticed him still moving inside you - a rocking, slow rhythm. Your nipple still being gently held by his mouth, his hands holding tightly onto your hips. His eyes closed, his expression focused - as if he was just enjoying you, your body, and the feelings you produced in him. Your still sensitive body continued to react to his slow movements - with every push a soft moan was pulled from your lips. You took Zen’s mouth off your breast and bent over to kiss him, to press your lips to his, to invade his mouth with your tongue and suck his bottom lip into your mouth. You kissed him hard - harder than he was currently moving inside you, yet this urged him to move faster inside you and to quiet your moans with his own mouth. At last, the faster he moved, the harder you kissed him. Alas, an instant of blissful equilibrium between your movements brought him to a pulsing halt - and you knew you had undone him. 

 

After a few minutes of catching your breath, you both finished rinsing off and stepped out of the tub to find that a decent amount of water had spilled over. Luckily there were enough towels to cover the floor and more. Zen grabbed the bathrobes and slipped one to you as well as a towel for your hair. At first you thought he was very considerate but then you realized he did the same thing and wrapped it around his head. You couldn’t help back laughter when you saw him with the towel on his head while he did his best to dry the floor. 

“What’s so funny Princess?” he asked, moving a towel with his foot on the wet floor.

“Nothing, nothing... “ you say between giggles as you help him finish drying up the floor “I just think you look kind of funny with the towel on your head”

“I look funny?” he says, arching an eyebrow “I think the word you were looking for was extremely handsome”

“That too” you say, approaching him for a quick kiss on the lips. You intended to just give him a quick peck but he wrapped his arms around you and swept you off your feet for a longer kiss. 

“Let’s get some room service. I’m starving and I’m sure you haven’t eaten” he said carrying you out off the bathroom and dropping you on the bed. Too late you realized you didn’t tighten the robe securely enough and once he put you on the bed it opened, showing him your nakedness. You made a prompt motion to close the robe again but noticed him staring at you as he grabbed the phone. 

“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve seen MC” he says, while he waits for someone to pick up on the other line. He walked around the room and handed you the room service menu. “Yes, hi, this is the penthouse suite calling. Is your kitchen still open for room service orders?  Perfect. I’ll take a lamb kebab and a beer, yeah, yeah that’s fine. And I’ll also take… give me one second… do you know what you want princess?” he asked. You had a second to look over the menu and handed it back to him, pointing at what you wanted. He nodded and ordered it for you. He thanked the person on the phone and hung up. “Food will be here in about 20 minutes” he said, jumping onto the bed with you. He caressed your arm but soon his hands were touching you everywhere until he settled for embracing you and drawing circles on your back. 

“Zen… I don’t… I don’t actually look like this in my dimension” you say, touching his hair gently. “When you tell me I’m beautiful, I worry you wouldn’t be so attracted to me because I am/have [insert whatever physical attribute you would insert here]”

“MC… you’re beautiful in every dimension. It is you who I love”

“But this… this isn’t who I am”

“MC, would you not love me if I looked different?”

“I would”

“Then you know… besides, I know what you look like in your dimension. I’ve seen you in my dreams and I’ve known it is you. You’re beautiful in both dimensions”

He always knew what to say. He was too perfect. You nuzzled your face in his chest.

“Thank you Zenny... “ you whisper, dropping the subject “I wish we could stay like this forever” you say, lying in his arms.

“Me too, MC, me too” he said, holding onto you.

The food came in timely and you both ate enthusiastically, talking about things here and there. Your life back in your dimension, his  coworkers, even the weather. It was such a simple moment of sharing food and talking simply about life that you wished would never end. You loved this man so fiercely. 

“Oh, I completely forgot” Zen said, suddenly going to his feet to grab his phone. 

“What happened?”

“Luciel asked me to have you call him as soon as you came back” he said, dialing the numbers out of his phone.

“What? Did he say why? Did something happen?”

“Something happened. He was rattled for a few days about a week ago and since he’s been somewhat more distant than usual. He called me then and asked me to have you call him but he didn’t say what for. I tried getting it out of him in case it had anything to do with you traveling between dimensions but he said it had nothing to do with that so… I don’t know. He said you’d know what it was about.”

Your heart skipped a beat. It had to be about his brother and V. 

“Have you talked to V lately?” you asked Zen as he waited for an answer from Seven on the other line. 

“No, V hardly ever comes into the chatroom anymore since Rika died… and I mean, I get it”  

“Zen, its 4am… I don’t think Luciel will-” you begin saying before being interrupted by Zen.

“Hey, Luciel. Yeah I know what time it is, you’re always up anyways. Yeah. Yeah. The premiere went really well. Thank you. Aha, yes, thank you. Hey, listen, MC is here and you said you wanted to talk to her… Hello? Luciel? Yeah. Yeah she’s here. You want me to put her on the phone? Alright.” he said, and handed you the phone with Seven in the other line. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope this does justice to Zen and answered some of your questions. Leave your comments below, I really, really, REALLY, want to know your thoughts on this. Am I going off the deep end? HALP
> 
> Also, you know my speech about grammar and all that. If you find anything weird, let me know. I want to correct it! I hope you enjoy this chapter.


	14. That Let’s Me Endure - All The Waiting I Have To Do.

 

You had this sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that something wasn’t right. That if things had gone well - if Seven had managed to save Saeran, V, and Rika - all the RFA would be celebrating. Zen would know if things had gone well. When Zen handed you the phone, your heart skipped a beat. _Could you have made things worse?_

“Hi Luciel” you said, placing the phone against your ear.

“MC” Seven answered on the other line. “We need to talk. Can you come over?”

“I… it’s 4 in the morning. Zen is exhausted. I can’t make him take me there.”

“Then I’ll go there” he said. You heard rustling in the background.

“Ok… We’re not at Zen’s house”

“I know where you are”

“How do you… nevermind” you say. Of course he knows. “What happened?”

“Just… you were right. I’ll be there in about 20 minutes” * _click*_

What… just happened. You stared at the phone for a second before putting it back on the table. Zen had gone to blow dry his hair while you talked on the phone. You needed to gather your clothes if Luciel was coming to the hotel now.

“Hey Princess. What did Luciel say?” Zen asked, while brushing his long silvery hair.

“Not much, except he is coming here to talk” you answer while slipping back into the dress you had been wearing before.

“What? Right now?” His eyes widened in surprise. “And he didn’t say why?”

“Not really, no.” you say, toweling your hair and grabbing the brush from Zen’s hands.

“Huh…” he said, thinking about the situation “...Alright” he said, grabbing his clothes and getting dressed again. You couldn’t help but stare at him while he dressed - he was perfection embedded perfection in pale skin. The clothes sat on his body as if it was glad to be resting against such beautiful model.

“Princess” he said, while buttoning his shirt and giving you a devilish smile. “You’re staring”

“Oh, oh. Sorry” you say, feeling ardor on your cheeks. You needed to learn to stop staring at him. My god, you felt like such a fangirl. You hadn’t even realized you had stopped brushing your hair until he pointed out your mindless ogling.

“I don’t mind” he said, giving you light kiss on the top of your hair. “I like knowing I can distract you like that.” Your cheeks flushed even more after he said that. “I gotta admit, you look stunning when your cheeks are crimson like that. You have the same effect on me” he smiled, putting his arms around you and breathing in the clean scent of your neck. You started at him on the mirror and noticed his eyes gently closed, as if he was resting on your shoulder. “Princess... I’m exhausted. I’ve had such a long day. I’m dying to get some rest. I’ll do my best to wait up with you to see Luciel but please don’t be mad at me if I can’t keep my eyes open”

“Aw, Zenny, if you want to go to sleep, please, go. I would have asked Luciel not to come at this time if he had let me. It seemed important for him to come”

“Yeah, he’s been calling me almost everyday for the last week and a half to see if you’ve come back” That made you even more nervous. That, and that Zen hadn’t heard from V either, worried you to no end. What if things had gone terribly wrong and Luciel hated you for it?

“Well… I guess we’ll find out soon what he is going to say.” you say, finishing brushing out your hair. You stared at yourself in the mirror next to Zen. You two made a good looking couple, even if you didn’t look like yourself. Alas, looking like MC had some benefits: her skin was perfect and you were glad - you had no make up with you. Her hair was perfect with only brushing it. The clothes fit you like a glove, though you didn’t know if that was because Zen had a good eye for it or MC’s body was just one of those that could get away with wearing anything and still look good. Once thing was for sure, under similar circumstances, you may not pull off such a clean look in such short notice.  

Zen walked away from the bathroom and you finished brushing your hair. When you looked for him again you found him standing in the balcony, holding a cigarette. You put on his jacket and joined him outside. The cold hit you like a frozen boulder but you would not waste a second of being with him and cold weather wouldn’t stop you. Once you were outside, you noticed he was just holding an unlit cigarette while looking out into the city.

“I’ve been wanting to quit smoking for a long time now. I always just kept telling myself this would be the last pack I’d buy or I’d give myself a deadline - once this show premieres or if I’d get a certain gig. The first time you disappeared, I smoked more than I ever smoked before. I was upset, I thought you’d left me” he said, pulling you into his arms. The warmth of his body where it touch you felt like exhilarating. “When you came back, I only smoked once until you were gone again, then I kept smoking. More than usual but I suppose part of that was the stress from the play. If I’m being completely honest, it was mostly because I missed you”

“Zenny…”

“But now… now that you’re here, I really don’t want to smoke anymore. It’s like… I’d smoke if I felt lonely or if I felt stressed, but I don’t feel either of those things when you’re around. You have the most intoxicating effect on me and I don’t need anything else to feel… to feel complete. I love you, MC”

“I love you too, Zen” you say, before he presses his lips against you. Being with him just felt so right. Everything he said reflected how you felt about him and he could put it into words better than you ever could.

“Besides, I don’t want to expose you to secondhand smoke, ever” he says, throwing the single cigarette over the balcony. A gust of wind kept it from pummeling straight down onto the street, but it also made you shiver. Zen pulled you back inside the room and closed the balcony door behind you. “Not you or… or anyone else I love”. He said, taking off his jacket and helping you take off the one you had put on to step outside. “I’m done. I’m done for good and it is thanks to you.” he said, sitting on the couch inside the room. You sat next to him and let him throw his arm around you as you waited for Luciel to arrive.

5 minutes later, Zen was asleep sitting on the couch with his head rested on your shoulder. You knew he was exhausted, what with the preparation for the play and you keeping him up even later after the show, You admired his features - you could never get enough of staring at him and you didn’t get to see him sleep very often. He looked so vulnerable that you wondered if he was putting up a brave face around you. This whole pregnancy situation was probably causing him even more stress. Anxiety began to grow inside you again - were you really pregnant? You really needed to go see a doctor in this… world. Could you be pregnant in this world but not in yours? But then, why would the bloodwork come back positive? Why would the ultrasound be negative? Maybe it was an error in the labwork. Maybe it was just too early to see anything in the ultrasound. You had a million and one questions and no answers for any of them. You felt the need to use the restroom so you nudged Zen and let him lie on the couch. He was deep asleep now and you knew he’d likely not wake up on his own for a while. Maybe it was for the best - Luciel would be here any minute now and whatever happened it was his secret to tell, not yours. If he didn’t want to say anything, it wasn’t up to you to reveal it to Zen.

You finished up in the bathroom and grabbed a drink of water. A couple of minutes later, you heard the elevator ding requesting access to open into the suite. You went and granted access letting the door open and Luciel stepped into the room.

“Hey” you said, stepping aside so he could get in.

“Hey” he replied, walking into the room. “Nice place”

“Yeah” you answer, closing the elevator door behind him. You turned towards him and began to ask before he swung his arms around you and embraced you.

“Thank you” he said, holding onto you. You exhaled, relieved. If he was thanking you, it couldn’t be so bad.

“What happened? Why does Zen not know what happened? I... I was worried something bad happened”

“Something bad did happen” he says, letting go of you. “But I got Saeran back and I wouldn’t have been able to do so without your help”

“Where is he? How is he doing? What happened with Mint Eye?” you asked, he waves you to slow down.

“Give me a minute, I will explain everything. Where is Zen?” he asks, stepping in and sitting at the table.

“Zen’s asleep in the couch.” you answer.

“I see. I got you some things as a thank you, but I need your help with something else” Luciel adds.

“Of course, whatever you need” you said, sitting across from him at the table.

“Saeran needs to see you.” he says. “He is not doing very well and he doesn’t believe me about you. He thinks I am making it up. He doesn’t believe me about anything” You nod in understanding. You remember something similar happened at the end of Luciel’s storyline.

“I’ll see him. I don’t have a problem with that.” you answer.

“Thank you” he says.

“So what happened?” you ask again.

“Well… you were right about everything. I went to Rika’s apartment and found the plans and address for Mint Eye. I did some research on it and was able to find connections to the RFA - turns out Rika used some of the RFA fundraising money to build this mansion for Mint Eye. I confronted V about it and he denied everything until I showed him the evidence I had gathered. He had no choice but confess. I… I had never felt so betrayed. I trusted V and Rika, not only with my life but with Saeran’s life and happiness. I have remained basically a hermit because they promised me they’d give my brother the life and freedom we both hoped for. Turns out Rika just… and he just… Saeran is brainwashed and has been drugged and a member of a cult led by Rika. I was lucky Vanderwood was with me or I might have killed Rika and V with my own hands once I managed to drag Saeran out of there. Regardless, Rika flipped out when I took Saeran and V tried to keep her under control and… well, she stabbed him.”

“Rika stabbed V?” you asked, covering your mouth with your hand. You didn’t want anyone to get hurt. This turn of events was starting to seem very similar to exactly what you had tried to prevent.

“Yeah… Rika stabbed V and when he was down she came after us. She was manic, I’d never seen her like that. We had no choice.”

“No choice? What happened?”

“Vanderwood shot Rika when she tried to stab me.” Luciel said.

“What?” You rested your head in your hands. This was almost a result worse than what happened in the ending of the app. How did this turn out so wrong? “Oh my god…. Are you ok? Is… Saeran ok? And Rika and V?” you ask. Your voice low, terrified of the answers.

“Rika… Rika is gone. Really gone this time. Vanderwood doesn’t miss.” Luciel admits gravely. “V has been in intensive care for about a week now. One of his lungs collapsed. I don’t know what else is going on with him, I have not been to the hospital since I went the first time.”

“And no one in the RFA knows this happened?” you say, looking over in Zen’s direction to find him sound asleep.

“No. When I went to the hospital to check on V… he was barely awake and all he did was ask about Rika and beg me not to tell the RFA members what happened.” he said, almost in disbelief. “He didn’t bother to apologize for his lies to me or for trying to cover up Rika’s tracks, or… or even ask if Saeran was ok.” he said. You could see the hurt in his eyes when he told you this. As if a part of him hoped that V would try to redeem himself but he hadn’t. Perhaps he had just wanted an apology from the man who he had trusted so blindly for so many years. It must have been terribly difficult to accept that this is how things had turned out.

“I’m sorry…” you say, hiding your eyes. Maybe if you hadn’t messed with things Rika would still be alive and V wouldn’t be alienated from the RFA. You didn’t mean for anyone to get hurt and you had hoped things would work out better than this.

“Don’t be sorry. I wouldn’t have been able to rescue Saeran if you hadn’t said anything. You opened my eyes MC, even if it was to things I didn’t want to know. Ultimately, I am deeply indebted to you and grateful.” Luciel said looking at you. “I got my brother back because of you”

“I didn’t want anyone to get hurt” you say. “But I am glad you were able to get Saeran out of Mint Eye.” You look down at your hands and think about V and Rika. Yes, you were glad Saeran was ok. He deserved better. But you regretted Rika’s death and V’s condition. “You’re not going to tell Jumin about V’s situation? They’re friends.”

“When I went to see V he was wide awake and conscious despite his wounds. He got worse after. I asked him if he wanted Jumin to know and he said no. I urged him to say something. That the RFA didn’t need to be in the dark. He said no. It is beyond me to help him any longer. I just… I can’t believe I trusted him.” he said, his hands balling into fists. “But thanks to you… thanks to you I got Saeran back and that is what I am the most grateful for” he says, pulling a small bag from his hoodie and putting it in front of you on the table. “I made this for you. As a thank you”

“You didn’t have to make anything for me” you say, but curiosity got the better of you. You opened the bag and found an ID and a credit card with your name on it. “An ID and a credit card?”

“You don’t exist in this world. Believed me, I searched far and wide. I did face recognition against every video camera in the entire web and government associations. I was able to track your entire stay here from the time you first showed up. You came out of nowhere and you are in no databases. It’s like you were woven out of thin air. But... you exist now” he says, pointing at the ID. “It’s a real ID. I put you on the system so you can… at least request a car out here if you need it.”

“...thank you” you hadn’t realized how much you’d need this. Even if you were just going to go to a doctor’s office, they’d ask you for an ID and now you had one. “This… this really means a lot to me, Luciel. What about the credit card? Where is the bill going?”

“Don’t worry about it. I got you covered. Just don’t try to buy a house with it or something.” he said, smiling in your direction. “Do you think you’ll be able to come by later to see Saeran? He thinks I am lying about you. After all, he was the one who put the virus in the app. He coded… you.

“I’ll go talk to him later today. I just… need to give Zen a few more hours of sleep. And I… well I need to see a doctor.”

“A doctor? Are you alright?”

“I think so. It’s just to make sure. You never know with this… traveling” you say, trying to sound vague. You didn’t want to tell him what was going on. Not until you and Zen knew without a doubt.

“So maybe later today you can come over to my place? I’d meet you somewhere but I just… I don’t feel safe going out with Saeran yet. He hates me for abandoning him and I… I’m just scared he might try to run away.”

“That’s alright. I will come over with Zen” you say, looking towards the couch again. He was out like a light.

“I’d rather he wasn’t around. I’m not ready for the RFA to meet Saeran. He’s just… he’s so unstable right now. I wouldn’t ask you to meet him if it wasn’t because I’m trying to prove to him I’m telling the truth”

“How is he going to know you are telling the truth though? I could be a fake.” you say

“Trust me, you’re not”

“Well, I know I am not, but how does he know?

“You look just like your pictures” Luciel says, shrugging. “There’s no faking that.”

“Right... “ you say, thinking you’d have to see these pictures later.

“Right. So I am going to take off. I don’t want to leave Saeran with Vanderwood alone for too long. Oh, if you need anything else that I might be able to help you with, just give me a call. You’ve got my number on your phone, right?”

“Yeah” you say, wondering where was the last place you put it. You spotted it on the nightstand on the other side of the bed. It probably needed to charge.

“So call me later today so I can have you meet up with Saeran, please.” he says again, before standing up to leave. “...and just… thank you. I owe you… I owe you everything”

“Zen will have to meet Saeran eventually” you tell him as you walk him towards the elevator.

“I… I am planning on quitting the RFA. If V recovers and comes back to being a part of the RFA, I will quit. As of now, I haven’t because… well, they’ve been my family for the past few years. I love them. But I cannot stay if V stays. If V decides to leave or… or if he doesn’t recover… then I will stay and I would have Saeran join the RFA.

“I… I understand” you say, watching him press the button that called for the elevator. Soon enough, the elevator popped open and he stepped in it. He stared at you from the inside of the elevator.

“I wish I’d known you were real, MC… then...” Seven started, right before the elevator doors closed. It was an odd thing to say but the way he said it and the way he looked at you when he said it… It didn’t take too long for you to realize that what he really meant was _“I wish you’d have picked me” ._ It made you feel bad. You knew that MC meant a lot to Seven. MC meant the world to any of the RFA members she chose. In fact, she usually had a huge impact on their lives once she became their love interest. _Except you only loved Zen…_ but you just had a huge impact on Luciel’s life and you weren’t involved with him. _Had you inadvertently caused him to be... infatuated with you?_ You hoped not. You loved Zen more than anything and you knew that wouldn’t change. You just didn’t want to hurt Luciel’s feelings. Maybe you were reading too much into it. Maybe…

“Princess?” You heard a sleepy Zen call out.

“Yes, Zenny?” you said, walking in his direction.

“Come here” he said, dragging you to the bed with him. He laid on the bed after you and rested his head on your abdomen, hugging your whole torso. You caressed his hair idly.

“You missed Luciel’s visit” you said, twirling a strand of his hair in your hands.

“I heard the elevator when he was leaving” he answered. “Did he tell you anything important?” he asked, a yawn escaping his lips.

“He said he found no record of me anywhere in this world” you answered. You knew this wasn’t the main subject of your conversation but… this was Luciel’s secret, not yours. And you had enough things on your mind with your own problems. You didn’t need to aggravate Zen’s mind even more than it already was. “He also made me an ID and a credit card”

“That’s great…” he said. You could tell sleep was taking over him again. He’d only been asleep for about an hour.

“Yeah…” you agreed with him. Not 5 seconds later you could hear his breathing relaxing. He was asleep again. You dared not move, he looked so incredibly comfortable. But you feared if you stayed in the bed like that, you might fall asleep as well and you weren’t ready for that. You weren’t ready to leave yet. You found the remote on the nightstand next to you and turned the TV on. Of course, what is the first thing that appears but a commercial featuring Echo Girl. You rolled your eyes before switching the channels. You went through a few channels before finding the news and spotting Chairman Han as a special guest in a financial segment. He talked about trade and other things that really didn’t interest you and before you _really_ fell asleep you moved on to the next channel. Soon enough you found a movie of your favorite genre that grasped your attention and you watched it for the next few hours. Sunrise came and went and before you knew it you were getting up to use the restroom. Zen was still holding onto you and it wasn’t until you tried to move that you realized, even in his sleep, he wasn’t letting go. You had to carefully untangle yourself without waking him to use the restroom. You grabbed some water and looked at the leftover food from the night before. You tossed the leftovers away but when the smell of the food hit you you had to run for the restroom again and found yourself hurling what you’d had for dinner the night before. _Was this morning sickness? Or just food poisoning?_ Whatever it was, between how often you threw up in your own dimension and now this, it was just too often. You held onto the toilet in frustration. You _hated_ throwing up. Regardless of the reason, you were tired of having this symptom. Before you knew it, you were hurling again, emptying the rest of the contents of your stomach.

“Princess, are you alright?” you heard Zen said as he walked into the restroom and knelt next to you, rubbing your back

“I’m fine… just nauseous or…” you said, before gagging. Luckily, you didn’t throw up that time.

“Morning sickness?” he finished your sentence.

“Maybe” you said, feeling better. Frustrated, but better. He made anything better.

“It’s almost 7:30am. If we head out to a doctor’s office now we’ll be there when they open at 8am. We’ll be the first ones in” he said, moving your hair away from your face.

You nodded and stood up with his help. You brushed your teeth and washed your face. You actually noticed the faintest bags under your eyes, surprisingly. I guess not even MC body could keep your skin looking perfect forever.

You both grabbed from fruit for breakfast from the hotel restaurant and headed out. Surprisingly, Zen knew of an OBGYN clinic that took walk-ins. You wanted to ask how but decided against it. Some things are better left unsaid. He had been right about the time as well as you were the first ones to get there. They brought you back shortly afterwards and asked if you wanted Zen in the room. You agreed. They went over the motive of your visit and various other things - overall, very similar to your visit to the doctor in your world. You told them you had been to the doctor before and the ultrasound had been negative yet you’d have positive blood work and a recent positive home test. They agreed to do the ultrasound.

They had Zen sit by your head and covered you from the waist down with a blanket. Here goes another transvaginal ultrasound. Despite everything, you felt more at easy this time - probably because you were squeezing Zen’s hand the whole time. At first, it felt like the doctor was moving the probe too much and hadn’t found anything. _What if he still didn’t find anything?_ Then you’d had to test for other things. Or maybe you had a miscarriage that was still coming up positive on home tests. Or maybe…

“There it is” said the doctor, interrupting your thoughts. You almost jumped out of the exam bed while looking into the screen. You realized you were squeezing Zen’s hand way too much for comfort and relaxed your grip, but then you noticed he was holding onto your hand just as tight, if not more. The doctor pointed at a small black circle on the ultrasound with a white speckle, something a bit smaller inside that moved rapidly. Once the doctor found the right angle, you heard it. A faint, yet still audible heartbeat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oy, this chapter. I hope you enjoy it. I know it took longer than expected (but also, it is a bit longer than my regular chapters. I think I've only had one other pass the 4k word mark)  
> Next chapter will resume right were I left off and hopefully you'll get a fluffy chapter. Please leave your comments below! I really appreciate your input!
> 
> PS: I was having problems posting the chapter last night so if you got a notification saying it got posted like 5 times, I apologize. It kept giving me an error until it finally went through. Then this morning I logged in and like... 4 copies were saved as a draft? and the chapter was posted twice? I'm not sure what happened at all.


	15. Regardless of dimensions, in this moment I’m sharing with you right now, I feel so alive…

The moment you heard the heartbeat, it was as if your own heart stopped. It wasn’t cancer. You weren’t crazy. You were pregnant though, and this wasn’t your run of the mill pregnancy. However, you felt relief. It seems this was the best possible news on this situation. You didn’t planning on having a kid yet and it was anything if not unexpected, but in the face of the other possibilities, this seemed like the least terrible scenario. Granted, technically you had spent enough time with Zen that he could be considered a one night stand. Well, maybe more of a four night stand. But there was one more thing - you loved each other. How had you fallen so deep for him was something you wouldn’t understand. You looked at the screen and the doctor pointed at the little bean-shaped black area in the ultrasound. He said it looked normal, that it was still very early, and some other things that you found yourself tuning out. You leaned your head back and rested it on the exam bed, your free hand covering your head. The implications of this situation were huge and yet you felt relieved. It could have been worse. But being relieved at an unexpected pregnancy was beyond you. Was everything impossible to understand lately? 

“Princess… are you alright?” Zen said, squeezing your hand.

“I’m… fine” but your voice didn’t sound fine. You tried to talk and failed and realized you were holding back tears. 

“I will give you guys a moment” the doctor said, taking the ultrasound probe out and printing out a picture of the ultrasound. “This is yours if you want to keep it.” he said, putting it on the counter. “Take your time. I know this can be an emotional moment” he said, stepping out of the room. 

“Babe…” Zen moved his head and placed it against your forehead. “It’ll be ok. We will figure it out. Are you… are you not happy this happened? I’m sorry, I know I was irresponsible, I just… I just… I didn’t think.”

“No, no, it's not that. I’m happy, I really am” but  _ why were you crying? _

“We’ll make it work. There has to be a way to make this work.” Zen kept repeating until you found  yourself nodding against his head. He pressed his lips against yours in a desperate attempt to reassure you. It helped. It helped a lot. 

You took the picture, put your clothes back on, and walked out of the clinic holding onto Zen’s arm. You felt like an emotional wreck on the inside but he was being so sweet and so perfect you forced yourself to put on a brave face on. Your time with him was limited to how long you could stay awake and you were going to make the most of it. 

He stopped at a grocery store and bought various things to cook at home. You talked about your taste in food and agreed on something you both liked. You went home and cooked together. It was almost as if being together came naturally to you both and it helped ease some of your worries. Thankfully, the morning sickness didn’t return when you were cooking and you were able to keep the food down. You mentioned to him that Seven wanted you to pass by his house again that day and before you even tried to maneuver some way to ask him to drop you off there so he wouldn’t meet Saeran right away he hit you with:

“I can take you. I need to run some errands before the next show tonight and his place is on the way there. I can pick you up before the play if you want to come see it again?”

“I would love to, I missed the beginning” 

“I should be able to get you a ticket.” he said, smiling. “Great. This worked out pretty great then” And left it at that. You felt guilty not telling him the reasons you wanted to go to Seven’s place but again, it wasn’t your secret to reveal. You’d have to talk to Luciel about this, however, you didn’t want to keep lying to Zen.

“Are we… are we going to tell the RFA members about… what’s going on?” you asked him, pointing to your abdomen.

“Yeah, of course we’ll tell them… just not yet. Let’s give it some time first. Maybe even come up with a plan. Get some more information.”

You agreed. Where you’d get the information was the question. Perhaps Seven could help with that. After eating, you both showered and Zen dragged you back outside. You were starting to feel the drag of not sleeping the night before but he took you to a small mall. 

“If you’re going to be around more often, we need to get you a few things” he said. He was right - you were still wearing the dress from the night before. You went to various stores and got a few things. You were glad Seven gave you a credit card but even then Zen paid for almost everything. “I’m doing pretty good financially in this play. I got an email from my agent too with another role lined up. Apparently I’m a shoo-in, the producers aren’t even holding auditions for the role they want to give me” he said, pretty satisfied with himself. “I’m that good” 

“You really are amazing. You’ll blow them all away” you said, smiling back at him. 

This went on for a few more hours before he took you to Sevens place. 

“I’ll come back for you in about an hour? Should give me enough time” he said, basically leaving you in Seven’s front door. 

“Yeah that should be fine, I think.” you said, really not knowing how much time Luciel expected you to stay around. 

“Perfect. I’ll get you then and we’ll get ready for the play. I gotta be there about an hour before curtain time” he said. 

“Sounds like a plan” you added, while you ran Seven’s doorway. Quickly enough, he came for the door. He shook Zen’s hand and mentioned he’d go see the show next week. They made some small-talk and Zen basically told him to care for you with his life while you were gone. Seven rolled his eyes and laughed, saying how he’d take good care of you and not to worry. A few minutes later, he was gone and you were inside Luciel’s abode. 

“So… Saeran is a bit… volatile still. He’s gotten better, but he might snap at the slightest provocation. I’ve had a psychiatrist come evaluate him about 3 times a week and he’s prescribed him some mood stabilizers but I don’t think they’ve quite kicked in yet. The doctor said they take about 3 weeks.” he said, looking at the floor. “It’s only been about a week since he started taking those. I wish I didn’t have to put him on meds but he had some pretty nasty withdrawal from whatever Rika was giving him and I just couldn’t risk having him hospitalized - I didn’t want him to hate me… anymore” 

“I understand” you said, walking beside him. 

“He has tried to hurt me before but I don’t expect him to try and hurt you. Even then, I’ve taken some precautions. Here.” he said, giving you a small contraption.

“What’s this?”

“It’s a low voltage taser. I trust you to use it only if you need it”  You arched your eyebrows. Was the situation really that dire?

“Okay... “ you said, taking the taser. 

“I’m pretty sure you won’t need it, but I don’t want to risk Zen coming after me with the rage of a thousand suns if you’re missing a hair”

“Ahah. Alright” you say, putting the taser into one of your pockets, next to your phone. As soon as you did that, you felt it vibrate. You pulled it out and saw you had a message from Zen… with a selfie attached. 

 

_ _

_ Miss you already. Will be back for you soon Princess  _

  
  
Your heart melted. You realized quickly this was the first selfie he ever sent you - you’ve barely had the time since you had pretty much always been together when you were here.  You treasured it like nothing else. You replied to his text and turned your attention back to Luciel. 

“So… anything else I should know?” 

“I… I don’t know. Let’s just get you in to see him. Just… keep your distance. I don’t know how he’ll react.”

“Okay” 

You followed Luciel down the living room and into a hallway. He stopped at a door and motioned you to stop. He knocked and opened the door.

“Hey, I’ve got someone here to see you”

“I’ve already seen Vanderwood today” you heard the voice in the room say.

“No, someone else” Luciel answered. “It’s MC” Luciel stepped into the room and motioned you to step inside.

“Yeah ok… ay” Saeran had started to say until he saw you standing there. “Impossible”

“Hi” you said, waving shyly with your right hand. There he was, sitting on the side of a single bed. Pinkish hair covering his forehead and a mint eye tattoo on his arm. He was just wearing a tanktop. Despite the different eye color and the different hair, the similarities between both twins was striking. 

“This is a sick trick Saeyoung, even by your standards” Saeran said, looking away from you.

“It’s not a trick. I told you she was real. She is how I found you and Mint Eye” Luciel insisted, walking into the room and sitting on a chair across from Saeran. 

“Get this poor girl out of here. I don’t know how you found someone that looked so much like MC, but I made her. I made her from scratch. I created her looks and I programmed her personality. She is simply not real. And she” he said, pointing a finger at you “is a fake. All you do is lie, lie, and LIE. GET HER OUT OF HERE”

Saeyoung stood up and was about to push you out of the room before you stopped him. “Let me… let me try to talk to him”

“He’s getting agitated. It just gets worse from here.”

“Just let me try” you insisted. 

“...against my better judgement” he mumbled but let you stay inside. You walked over to the chair Luciel had been sitting in and sat across from Saeran. 

“Saeran… I’m… real” you say. There weren’t many things you could say to him to help him change his mind but you figured you had to try. It occurred to you that the events from  _ Another Story  _ had not happened in this timeline and you might be able to draw on what you remembered from it. “Can I call you Saeran? Or do you prefer Ray?” That got his attention quickly. His eyes shot up into your face and he stared. He stared deeply into your eyes. 

“Where did you hear that name?”

“That’s what you told me to call you in a different time...”  you said, without having a good explanation for how you knew about that name.

“Only Rika ever called me that” he said, his eyes fixated on you. “You look exactly how I imagined you… This was a great effort to fool me. You should leave before I hurt you”

“How can I convince you it is really me?”

“You can’t. You’re not real.” he said. But his eyes were glued to you. You could see them trailing your hair, your eyes, your lips. “Where did you even find this girl?” he said, turning to his brother. “It was an excellent cast. She looks exactly like those pictures I made”

“I’m from another dimension.” you start, trying to get his attention back to you. “I was in another dimension when I got the app. Somehow I ended up here. I have no idea how. This isn’t even what I look like in my world” you say, your hands pressed against your own torso. “I’m just… I’m grateful that you made me. If it wasn’t for you, I probably never would have made it here” you add, your arms somehow hugging your own body. You never would have met Zen or… “Just… thank you”

“What is wrong with you? Why are you doing this? Don’t you know what he’s done to me? How he betrayed me? Why are you trying to help him convince me of his version of the story?”

“Because it is the truth” you say, simply. “Rika tricked you and Saeyoung. She’s the one to blame for this, not him, not you…”

“SHUT UP” he screamed at you. “You don’t know anything about my life and what I’ve been through. Rika was my chance at happiness and it has been stripped from me. If you were really MC, why aren’t you in love with me?”

“...what?”

“I made you” he says, standing from the bed and hovering over you. “I created you to be my ally and my friend against him” he pointed at Luciel but his eyes were still fixated on you. “I created your personality. I created the way you looked.“ he said, grabbing a strand of your hair. You felt Luciel step closer but you stopped him with your hand. “I created you for me. Not for anyone else. Why aren’t you on my side?”

“I… “ you couldn’t tell him you had fallen in love with Zen. Your situation was too perilous and he could hurt you if he was as volatile as Luciel claimed. “I am on your side.” you said, but your hands were shaking. “I am on your side. I did all this for you. I did it to help you. Rika was not good for you. She was drugging you, Ray. She brainwashed you. 

“STOP-”

“No” you said, standing up in front of him. “I told Saeyoung everything I could to rescue you from Mint Eye. So you could be happy. So you could have the life that you deserved. I didn’t do it just to redeem Luciel. I did it to save you. 

“SHUT UP” he screamed again, covering his ears and shutting his eyes closed. “YOU’RE NOT REAL. YOU CAN’T BE REAL” he screamed, bending over as if just hearing you speak caused him pain. Luciel came over and pulled you away from him, walking over to his brother.

“Hey, hey, calm down. She’s telling you the truth. How else would I have known where to find you?” 

“She’s not real. She can’t be real…” he continued to repeat as he sat back down on the edge of the bed. “...how?” it was a whisper you barely heard. 

“I don’t know...” you say quietly but loud enough for him to hear you. He stopped covering his ears and looked at you again. “How can I convince you?”

“How did you know the things you told Saeyoung?”

“Well… in my… where I am from… I can… I can interact with various timelines of this reality. Since I had seen a few variations, they gave me different information about you, Rika, and Mint Eye. In one I was with you in Mint Eye. You cooked for me and gave me flowers. You liked wearing a blue rose on your magenta coat.” you said. He looked so distraught. His eyes were frantic, moving from side to side as if he was actually absorbing the information you were giving him. “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you sooner. I wish I could have. I’m just glad you’re safe now.” 

It felt like hours passed. You tried your best to explain how you knew what you knew and telling him the things you recalled from both  _ Another Story  _ and Seven’s secret endings. You did what you could to persuade him and it seemed like it was working. He started looking less frantic. He started nodding with some of the things you said. It wasn’t until the end when he asked:

“So who is the lucky member?”

“Huh?” you asked.

“I can see it. From your story, you’re in love with one of us. It’s not me. Is it Saeyoung?”

“No…” Saeyoung answered for you 

“Don’t tell me its V”

“No…” this time you answered. “Zen” 

“Ah… the actor.”  he said, looking away from you. “I should’ve known. Even Rika loved him” You all stayed quiet in what seemed like a very long and uncomfortable silence until Saeran broke it again. “I need to think about this. Just… just leave me alone.”

“Ok.” you say, getting up to leave the room. You turned and saw Saeran lie on his side on the bed and Luciel stare at him longingly. He really wanted to have his brother back and it was plain to see. You stepped out of the room and Luciel followed shortly after. Your phone vibrated just then, a text from Zen saying he’d be there to pick you up in a few minutes. You hadn’t realized how long you had actually spent with Saeran that Zen was heading back already. 

“Thank you” Luciel said, closing the door behind him. “I’m not sure if this helped or not but at least he was starting to believe us after.

“Yeah… I hope it helped” you say, putting the phone in your pocket. “I wish I had more I could say to him but I don’t remember everything off the top of my head” you say, looking down to your feet. “I wish I did.” 

“I think you did ok. If you knew too much he might think I’m feeding you information” Luciel said, walking towards the front of his house. 

“I guess…” you say, following closely behind him. 

“I really appreciate this, MC. I owe you”

“Don’t worry about it. I was happy to help. At least I hope it helped” you say, heading towards the door. 

“Zen’s not here yet” Seven said. 

“Oh. He sent me a text that he would be here in a few minutes” you say, carelessly checking your phone again. “Oh, here” you said, giving back the taser. “I’m glad I didn’t need it”

“Right. Good. I’m glad also” Luciel took back the taser from your hands. A beep sounded through the living room “I think Zen’s here now”

“That’s your doorbell?”

“Not a doorbell. More of an alarm if anyone stops in front of the door.” he said, walking towards it. Then, you heard a doorbell. “That’s the doorbell”. He looked through the peephole and opened the door. Zen stood there with a bouquet of flowers. You giddily walked towards him with a spring in your step - it was impossible to deny how happy he made you feel. 

“For my princess” he said, handing you the flowers.

“You shouldn’t have” you said, taking the flowers from him. “They’re beautiful.” 

“Just like you” he added, as he leaned to give you a kiss on the forehead. “Did he behave?” he asked you pointing towards Luciel.

“He behaved” 

“Good.” 

“Of course I behaved! And where are my flowers?” Luciel said, walking over towards Zen and shaking his hand. “All good?

“Yeah, yeah. Thanks” Zen said.

“Anytime” Seven answered, walking back towards his doorway. “Have fun at the theater tonight” he said, as he went in through the doorway.

“Ready for tonight Princess?”

“Ready for anything with you”. You said, and hopped on the back of his motorcycle. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been taking so long to update lately. Had people staying at my house and work has been keeping me exhausted so I've been busy.  
> To be honest, I had written most of the chapter a few days after I posted the last one but I was dwindling on the scene with Saeran. I wanted to get it right - still not sure I got it right. Any constructive criticism would be GREATLY APPRECIATED. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE COMMENT BELOW!  
> I had a really hard time trying to get it right and I would love some feedback. 
> 
> Also, heads up, the next chapter should be up soon because even though I have not written it yet I have a pretty clear idea of what it is going to be and you all are probably going to enjoy it. And then on the chapter after that one you'll hate me. Oh well. lol.
> 
> I just want to give you a heads up, I might be slower than usual to update this month in general. From the 19th Dec -8th Jan my mother will be in town staying with me which means all my free time is going to her. I'll have little time to update during that. I HOPE I can get two chapters in before that but no promises. Expect at least one more chapter before the 19th. Fingers crossed.


	16. I love you, MC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg, finally. Here's the chapter. I know this took forever but I had to brainstorm a lot for how I wanted this chapter to be. It also didn't help that I had family staying at my house for all of December for the holidays (until last week, seriously). I tried to make it up to you by adding a little bit of "choose your own path" in this chapter so let me know if you'd like to see some more of it. Ultimately the ending is the same, it's just a different development but I couldn't decide what MC would do and I figured... why not let you decide? So I hope you enjoy that. 
> 
> Please read my notes at the end because I want to... give you more post-chapter excuses. LOL. I hope you all had a lovely Holiday!! Happy reading!

Neither Zen or you had calculated time very well. Zen needed to be  at the theater sooner than you expected. You barely had enough time to get home, change, and head right back out. You didn't mind, it kept you busy and not thinking of how tired you were.  As soon as you reached the theater, however, he kissed you goodbye and headed backstage. He gave you a heads up that one of the ushers might come get you at the end of the play to bring you backstage so you wouldn’t be alone while things wrapped up and he was able to leave the venue. 

Despite your excitement to see the play, you felt the drag of having no sleep for such an extended period of time... but you were doing your best to fight your way through it. Zen was magnificent when he was on stage you couldn’t imagine anything more special. Well, you could, but this was pretty fantastic as well. 

About an hour later, you found your seat near the front row. The audience poured in and quickly you noticed all the seats were filled. The lights were dimmed and the orchestra made their appearance. The play started without a hitch. The children playing the young royals were adorable and wonderfully talented. The first time you had almost completely tuned out everything in your search of Zen. This time, you were able to appreciate more the rest of the cast and the great work they were doing on this musical. You could tell a lot of hard work had been put into this performance by every member of this play and you were happy to see that. It wasn’t just Zen shining through a musical on his own, he was a part of an exceptional production team. It made you smile - he was being cast on more elaborate productions and high-end musicals. His hard work was paying off. 

During the intermission, you took a second to go to the restroom. It was super crowded, as expected. When you were done, you spotted someone familiar in the restroom right when she was exiting and you were still drying your hands. You yelled out her name “ _ Jaehee!”  _ but due to the crowded restroom you weren’t able to follow after her. When you got out, you looked for her but didn’t see her. Maybe it wasn’t her - after all, she didn’t turn around when you called out to her and she would have definitely heard you. It wouldn’t surprise you that she was here - after all, she was a huge fan of Zen. But then you remembered she was probably still out of town with Jumin and gave up looking for her. 

You went back to your seat and waited for the intermission to be over. The second act of the musical you had already seen but it was no less magical the second time around. Before you knew it, it was over, and the audience was giving the cast a standing ovation for the performance. You cheered on gleefully, clapping your hands together with all your might. Right when people were about to begin exiting the theater, you heard a voice over the intercom with an announcement:

“Ladies and gentleman, if you please remain in your seats, we have a special performance by our main cast member Zen. An original piece for tonight only. Please enjoy.” 

You sat back down slowly with the rest of the audience. The few that had already walked towards the aisles took their seats again. He didn’t tell you he was performing a solo piece at the end of the musical. You looked around and the rest of the audience wore confused and surprised faces as well. The music started - an upbeat ballad of sorts. The rest of the cast stepped off the stage to give him room. He stared right at you and he began to sing: 

 

_ I don't know where to begin _

_ For there is much to say _

_ But the bottom line is... _

_ my plans are to love you _

_ and yours, I hope, are the same.  _

_ It doesn't matter, baby, if our fate has already been decided _

_ I've played my cards _

_ I left my fears behind _

_ And I hope you have too _

_ because we're going to win against all odds _

_ You and I will be one of a kind _

_ The most epic yet illogical romance _

_ If our love is cloudy _

_ I'll light it up with kisses _

_ the mood will change making love _

_ your smile that makes the sun rise _

_ there are no worries _

_ everything will be better _

_ everything will be better _

_ because we're going to win against all odds _

_ You and I will be one of a kind _

_ The most epic yet illogical romance _

_ If our love is cloudy _

_ I'll light it up with kisses _

_ the mood will change making love _

_ your smile that makes the sun rise _

_ there are no worries _

_ everything will be better _

_ everything will be better _

 

He was too much. Your heart could melt just from this over the top show of affection. You smiled and knew that if you had ever been fighting a battle not to fall head over heels in love with him you had completely lost it. You smiled at him the biggest smile your lips allowed and just when you thought you were keeping it together you noticed tears of happiness sneaking through the corners of your eyes. You wiped them away and noticed, halfway through the song, that he was signaling you with his finger to come on stage. Your eyes widened in surprise. Was he serious? He continued to signal you and suddenly you noticed an usher standing next to you, offering you his hand. 

You…

  1. Take the usher’s hand and let him lead you on stage. 
  2. Smile back at Zen but wave no with your head. (You’re not going on stage in front of all these people!)



Continue reading for choice a:

 

You take the usher’s hand and noticed it was firm against yours, which was trembling. Why was he calling you onstage in front of all this people? Hopefully he didn’t expect you to sing with him, you did not know the lyrics to this song and you were so overwhelmed with emotion that improvising would not come to you at all at a time like this. As soon as you stood up, you felt the audience behind you begin murmuring, their eyes like daggers in your back. Your legs were shaky with nervousness and when the usher left you at the side stairs you had to hold on to the rail with all your might since you weren’t sure you were controlling your body. You looked back and the audience was enormous. You knew this theater was big but from the front the audience seemed much larger than you thought it was. Of course, it didn’t help that the theater was packed. 

When you reached the top of the stairs, Zen, who never stopped singing the whole time you were heading there, walked over to you and extended his hand in your direction. You took it, and he led you to the middle of the stage. When you looked back at the audience, the bright lights shining on you were blinding and it took a few seconds for your eyes to adjust. You looked back at Zen, his eyes focusing entirely on you but still performing the song. Once he was nearing the end of the song, he pointed at something behind you. You turned around and saw the rest of the cast waving at you excitedly. You recognized a few of the faces and waved back at them but when you did they urged you to turn your attention back to Zen. And there he was, still holding onto your hand, but now he was  down on one knee with a ring in a little box. 

“MC…” he began “My heart is beating towards you. I just wanted to tell the whole world that you’re mine. I love you. Will you marry me?”

Suddenly, you weren’t on stage in front of hundreds of people and the lights weren’t blinding you. Time seemed to keep still and you realized you were holding your breath. When you opened your mouth to breathe instead of gasping for air, your answer poured out.

“Yes. Yes. YES” you said, your voice getting louder each time you said the word. Zen smiled, slipped the ring in your finger, and stood up to hug you. He lifted you off the floor and spun you around in his arms. Once you were in his arms, your other senses began to react and the first thing you noticed was how loud the audience was. The entire theater was clapping and cheering. You turned to look but the lights blinded you again so you just turned away instead. He took your chin and gave you a soft kiss in front of the entire theater. Then, Zen thanked the audience for participating in what he called the most special day of his life to date. He bowed once again and then led you by the hand backstage. 

Continue here for choice b (if you read choice a, then skip to the next “continue”):

You smiled back at Zen on the stage but you just couldn’t get up and get on stage in front of all these people. You looked at the usher and waved your head no quickly. He saw the nervousness in you and shrugged his shoulders at Zen so as to ask him  _ what do you want me to do? _ .  Zen waived him away and continued singing on the stage. He walked from side to side until he began to reach the end of the song. Right after hitting the higher notes, he walked towards the edge of the stage and jumped off, landing right next to the orchestra and walking straight in your direction. He continued to sing, finishing off the song right around the time it took him to reach your seat. Luckily, you were sitting right next to the aisle. When he stood right next to you, you could feel the eyes of the entire audience darting in your direction. Well, rather in his direction. When he finished the song, he put his right hand on his chest and held your hand on the left. He smiled at you, that charming, heart melting, beautiful smile that could bring anyone to their knees, if only to continue to see it. He looked at the floor, and bent down his knee. At this point, the entire theater began cheering all around you. And then you realized what was going on and your heart did a somersault. 

“MC…” he began “My heart is beating towards you. I just wanted to tell the whole world that you’re mine. I love you. Will you marry me?” 

Suddenly, you weren’t on a crowded audience being the center of attention of hundreds of people. Time seemed to keep still and you realized you were holding your breath. When you opened your mouth to breathe instead of gasping for air, your answer poured out.

“Yes. Yes. YES” you said, your voice getting louder each time you said the word. Zen smiled, slipped the ring in your finger, and leaned over to hug you. He basically lift you off the seat and spun you around in his arms. It seemed it took a few seconds before your other senses began to react and the first thing you noticed was how loud the audience was. The entire theater was clapping and cheering for you two. You turned to look around and saw the faces of the audience with nothing but smiles and a teary eye or two. You hid your face in his chest but Zen didn’t give you much time. He gave you a soft kiss on the lips and took your hand, directing you to the stage. You couldn’t refuse now. He stood in the corner and waved to the audience, thanking them for what he called the best day of his life to date. Finally, he took you backstage with him.  

Continue:

Once backstage, Zen pulled you into his arms again and kissed you, right before the rest of the cast members surrounded the both of you in cheers and kind words. You both thanked them for a few minutes before Zen took you aside again. 

“I’ve got another surprise for you” he said, leading you to his dressing room. 

“Zen…”

“Just, hold on a second” he said, opening the door to his dressing room and letting you inside. “I just need to change out of this costume. Can’t take it home with me.” You walked into his dressing room and sat on a stool while he undressed. It was full of flowers, likely from fans and admirers since this was only the second day of the musical. You were distracted by the flowers until you caught him undressing out of the corner of your eye. You couldn’t help but ogle his body, he was just so beautiful and hypnotizing. He did quick work of the costume and slipped into his regular clothes - grey t-shirt, jeans, leather jacket. A simple combination but no one had ever looked this good in this ensemble. Your eyes wandered down to your hand and settled on the ring that was now adorning it. It was a rose gold band with a diamond on the center. It was beautiful and elegant and it seemed just like the type of thing he would buy. It displayed romance. 

“Do you like it?” he asked, tying his hair in his classic low ponytail. 

“... I love it” you said, staring at it for another second before looking at him again. “But I love you more” 

“I am better looking than that ring, right?” he asked, with a mischievous smile on his face. 

“You’re better looking than any jewelry that I’ve ever seen” you say, standing up to embrace him again.  _ You’re more precious to me than anything else in the world. _

“Are you ready for the next surprise?” he asked, kissing the top of your head.

“Yes” you say, looking into his eyes. “What is it?”

“Come with me” he said, leading you by the hand again. You were received outside his dressing room with cheers and congratulatory words again. You both mostly waved them away except for the occasional hug Zen received from his fellow coworkers. Everyone was kind and lovely, which you were glad to see. 

He lead you through the door that lead to the front of the theater and stopped. 

“Okay. Just… give me a second” he said, opening the door and peeking through to check on the other side. He stood back, took your hand, and led you through the doors. On the other side, four people awaited: Jaehee, Yoosung, Jumin, and Seven. 

“You’re all here” you said, with a smile on your face. This was a lovely gesture. “I can’t believe you’re all here and I’m finally meeting you!” 

“MC!” Yoosung said first. “It’s so nice to finally meet you! Congratulations on your engagement”  he offered as he approached you to give you a hug. You hugged him back excitedly. 

Jaehee walked towards you second and gave you a hug and expressed her congratulations. “I almost ruined the surprise, I thought you spotted me in the ladies room” 

“Oh, so it was you! I thought maybe it was just someone that looked like you” you said, laughing. “I thought I had made a mistake!” 

“No, it was me, I just didn’t want to get caught because then you’d find the rest of the RFA” she said. 

Jumin also approached you, gave you a hug, and offered their best wishes. He was rather formal about it. You noticed he was very handsome and had an air of superiority about him - probably something he gained as a result of years of grooming to be the next CEO of his family company. Seven hugged Zen and they exchanged a few words you weren’t able to hear. He came over and gave you a hug that seemed to linger a second too long and whispered “I hope you’re happy”  as he pulled away from you. You nodded fervently and he smiled. 

They asked about setting a date but Zen waved them off, saying you hadn’t had a chance to talk about it. It made you think that you’d probably have to elope - how did you plan a wedding when you didn’t know when you’d be around? Not to mention, you only really knew the members of the RFA in this… dimension. You decided to stop thinking about these things and just… enjoyed wthe moment. Enjoy what Zen had made possible for you. Before you noticed you had returned to Zen’s arms. 

“Thank you” you said, after you had greeted everyone there. “This was a lovely surprise”

“I thought it was finally time you’d meet everyone” 

“Thank you” you said again, feeling slightly emotional the second time. He was too much sometimes, in a good way.

“It’s too bad V couldn’t be here” Zen said. “I tried to get in touch with him but wasn’t able to. They tried too but without success. He’s probably out of the country, which is too bad.”

“Oh… okay” you say, looking down at the floor. You wondered if V was still at the hospital or if he had… your eyes darted to Seven, questioning, but he just gave you the lightest uninterested shrug. “It’s alright. I never talked to V very much anyway. It’s his loss if he isn’t here” you say, holding onto Zen’s hand.

“Alright, are we ready? Driver Kim should be outside” Jumin says, looking at the time.

“Ready?” you ask, looking in Zen’s direction. 

“We’re all going out to dinner, to celebrate” he said, holding your hand. “I think we’re ready” towards Jumin.

“Alright, I’ll make sure Driver Kim is out front” Jaehee says, walking towards the doorway. Yoosung went behind her and Seven made idle chat with Jumin in the meantime. Your eyes darted to the ring on your finger again. You were so overwhelmed you couldn’t keep from embracing Zen. Jaehee returned and motioned for all of you to go outside since driver Kim was there. And there he was, standing next to a black limousine. 

“The limo comes out on special occasions” Jumin said “such as this. Ladies first.” he said, letting you step towards the limo first. Jaehee joined you after, followed shortly by the rest of the party. 

“Champagne? We ought to toast” Jumin asked, grabbing the bottle from a cooler. Jaehee grabbed the glasses and passed them out. 

“Sure” you said, grabbing one of the glasses. “Oh, wait, no, I mean, I… I don’t drink”  _ You shouldn’t drink. And now you made it obvious.  _

“Not even for a toast?” Jumin asked. “It is very fine champagne” he said, popping open the bottle. 

“No, no, I just… I shouldn’t” you say, “I had a sinus infection and I’m taking antibiotics. Shouldn’t mix with alcohol” you say, shyly. You felt bad about lying but you just didn’t want to tell them yet. There was too much going on for you to confess about this just yet to the entire RFA.  “It’s ok, put a little in a glass for me, I’ll join the toast, and Zen can drink it for me” you add. He smiled next to you and put his arm around you, but didn’t say anything else. 

“Very well” Jumin said, handing the bottle to Jaehee. She served her drink and passed the bottle to you. You could see an inkling of suspicion in her eyes when she handed you the bottle but she didn’t say anything out loud. Once everyone had their drinks, Jumin raised his glass in order to toast.

“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody…” Jumin began ”you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. I am happy that you and Zen found each other and I hope you both are very happy together. To the happy couple” 

Everyone raised their glasses and cheered for you both. You handed your glass to Zen and he finished your glass for you. It wasn’t a very long ride and you had a chance to talk a bit more to the rest of the RFA. Everyone looked exactly like the pictures you had seen of them - which was somehow comforting but at the same time rather unnerving. You couldn’t decide if it added familiarity to them or it made you uncomfortable to see more characters from what until a few months ago, you considered a videogame. 

After being in the car for about ten minutes, Seven announced he had to leave for the night. Despite pleas from the rest of the RFA to stay for the evening, he declined, stating there was an emergency at work and he needed to get back right away. 

“They just can’t do anything without me” Seven said, stepping outside the limo. “But I wish you guys the best and hopefully we’ll see each other soon.” he said, before closing the car door. 

“He lasted long enough” said Jaehee, taking another sip of champagne. 

“What do you mean?” you asked her.

“He rarely ever joins us for outings and he always comes late or leaves early. He wasn’t there for the majority of the play either, he barely saw the ending and well, the proposal”. Replied Jaehee. “He’s just not that social outside of the messenger.” 

“Oh, I see” you say, wondering if the real reason he had left was Saeran. 

“He’s probably at home making sure the media is reacting favorably to Zen’s personal news” Jumin said “Fangirls may not take it all that kindly”

“Well, they’ll just have to deal with it”  Zen replied, putting his arm over you.

“Jumin is right - this was… happy news, but unexpected. Your fangirls didn’t even know you had a girlfriend. They’ll feel left out and it will reduce your appeal to them. Not to mention your appeal to all the fangirls who just plain had a crush on you” Jaehee said “but what’s done is done, we might as well celebrate now”

“Zen’s devoted fans will still like him whether he is married or not” Yoosung said, trying to alleviate the rising tension in the limo.

“My priorities are where they need to be. I care about my fangirls and I’d hate to lose them, but my heart belongs to MC and they need to accept that” he said, kissing the side of your forehead. Jaehee had certainly not changed her stance about you dating Zen and that was plain as day. A few minutes later, Jaehee dropped the subject after this and you were glad she did. 

Some time later you were all sitting at a table of a fine dining restaurant that Jumin (or probably Jaehee) had obtained reservations for. You all ordered lavishly overpriced food and Jumin continued to order wine the whole night. A few glasses after, you could see Yoosung was quite under the influence. Zen had only had a few more but despite his behavior not being much different you could see a light flush on his cheeks. Jumin had also had quite a few glasses but it just made him quieter the more he drank and as for Jaehee, well, she just didn’t drink much at all. She was sober and her eyes seemed rather somber. When the food came, they all dived in with a ferocious appetite but when you tried to join them, the smell made you nauseous. What was on this food? You shied away from the food but you didn’t want to make it obvious - it seemed everyone was grabbing and sharing food but a whiff of it made you queasy. You eyed Jumin and Yoosung and they were clearly not paying attention to you. Zen squeezed your hand but served some food for himself and put some on a plate for you, yet you were trying really hard not to look away to avoid smelling the food.  _ Deep breaths.  _ You saw Jaehee out of the corner of your eye and she was eating… yet you noticed she was looking in your direction more. She was onto you but you just didn’t want to tell them yet. It was too soon and the whole situation was beyond out of the ordinary. Zen took a bit out of something with a particularly strong smell and it made your insides churn. You were not going to be able to keep appearances much longer.

“I need to use the ladies room” you said, excusing yourself from the table.

“Are you ok Princess?” Zen asked, concerned you hadn’t touched the food.

“I’m fine,” you smiled at everyone in the table before rushing away. As soon as you stepped into the restroom, you went straight for a stall. You hurled over the toilet seat but nothing came out. Being away from the food had somewhat calmed your morning sickness.  _ Morning sickness… yeah right. It’s nighttime.  _ You cursed the symptoms and stood in the stall - leaning against the door. How were you going to prevent this from getting out? Jaehee was definitely suspecting something was up. Not a second later you heard the door open.

“MC?” you heard the voice ask - It was Jaehee. Where you had been happy to see her before, now you just wished she’d go away. 

“Jaehee?” you asked, pretending to be surprised she was here. You were glad you weren’t squatting over the toilet seat when she came in or she would have noticed that under the stalls. You flushed the empty toilet and stepped outside the stall, walking over to wash your hands. Jaehee stared at you inquisitively. 

“You’re pregnant” she said, leaning against the wall.  _ Well, I guess that cat is out of the bag. There was no point in denying it then.  _

“Please don’t tell the rest of the members. No one knows yet. It’s so early.” you pleaded. Perhaps she would keep your secret, as other RFA members were bound to keep secrets for each other.

“I won’t tell” she said, walking over to you. “I just wished you hadn’t lied”

“Huh?”  _ when did you lie? _

“I asked you, over and over, not to fall in love with Zen and yet here you are. Pregnant and about to marry him. Congratulations. I’m just sad you didn’t think about him when you got both of you into this mess.” she said. 

“Excuse me?” you said - THIS you didn’t expect. 

“Clearly you don’t love him enough to respect his career. He is such a sweet guy that he would move heaven and earth for you but now you’re putting this on him. Marriage and a child. This will ruin him” 

“Jaehee, you’re stepping out of line” you didn’t want to start an argument with her but why was she acting like this? “This is between Zen and I, not you. You’re not his manager, you’re not the boss of him, and you certainly have no say as to what happens in his relationships with me.”

“No, I know I don’t. But it doesn’t mean I will stay quiet while I see you ruin his career and his future”

“I am not trying to ruin him!” you say, indignant.  _ How dare she!  _

“You might not be trying, but this is what exactly what you’re doing. You’re limiting his time to rehearse, exercise, and take care of himself because he is taking care of you now. And he will be taking care of a baby now too. Just look at him! He has bags under his eyes when he normally looks perfect. He has been so distraught he hasn’t been working out and I can tell because I always saw him run past my apartment at night. How can you do this to him? I thought you were a fan and you were only interested in admiring him, like all of us. You lied to me. You lied to me multiple times.”

“I’m sorry I lied to you and I am sorry that you feel this way about my relationship with him but I am not sorry that I love him. He is the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me and I am never going to stop trying to make him happy. You have no right - none- to be talking to me like this. 

“You’re right. I don’t have the right. But I had to get it out of my chest because I wanted you to know what you’re doing to him. You’re clearly blind to how this is going to affect him because all you’re thinking about is your happiness, not his. You’re robbing him of everything he’s tried to accomplish since he ran away from home. He sacrificed his education, his family, and he’s been working relentlessly to be where he is and you’re just going to make all that go away because of your selfishness.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about and I’m done with this” you said, and walked out of the ladies room. As you walked back to the table, you saw them - Jumin, Yoosung, and Zen, sharing drinks and food, smiling. Jaehee was wrong, he was happy with you. When you stepped closer, you saw what she meant - he did have bags under his eyes and he just… he looked tired, despite his smiling face. Of course, he had barely slept a little more than you and he had been working two nights in a row. And he had managed to stage this whole proposal just for you. Was Jaehee right? No, she couldn’t be right. He was happy with you. He loved you. You closed the gap between you and sat at the table but every time you saw his face Jaehee’s words were ringing in your ears. You didn’t last two minutes. 

“Zen, baby” you said, trying to feign a smile. “I’m sorry, I am not feeling all that great” you say, as you get up from the table. 

“What’s wrong Princess?” Zen says, getting up after you.

“I’m just… a little queasy” you say, brushing off his question. “I’m sorry guys, I’m just going to head out for the night. You should stay Zen, finish eating, finish the drinks. I’ll wait up for you at home.” 

“No baby, of course not. I’ll take you home” Zen said, grabbing his jacket. 

“Please” you said, extending your hand out to his chest. “I’ll be fine. I’ll just take a cab home. I promise I’ll wait up for you” you say. “It’ll make me feel worse if I know I cut your celebration short. You deserve this night out with friends, I’m just sorry I can’t stay. I’ll have the maitre D find me a cab”

Zen stopped and looked back at the food. They were about halfway through and the waiter had just refilled their drinks. “You promise you’ll wait up for me?”

“I promise” you said lightly pushing him back into his seat. “It was wonderful meeting you Jumin, Yoosung” you said. You looked at Jaehee who had retaken her seat across from you. “We’ll have to do this again some other time.” 

“Of course MC, our pleasure” Jumin said. 

“I’m sorry you’re not feeling well!” Yoosung added. “You’re super nice! I hope we see more of you”

You kissed Zen goodbye and headed outside. The maitre D had a line of people in front of him so you decided to just step outside and call a cab yourself. When you grabbed your phone you had 7 missed calls from Luciel. You called him back instead and he answered right away.

“Luciel? Everything okay?” 

“No. I need you.” you heard him on the other line. His voice sounded hushed and nervous. “I’m outside the restaurant in the red car” You looked around and spotted him a few cars back. You walked over to him and opened the passenger seat door. 

“What happened?” you asked nervously. 

“It’s Saeran. I’m not sure what is happening but he is asking for you. He is very distraught and I can’t get through to him. Please come with me.”

“Okay” you said, not feeling like you had much of a choice here. You couldn’t say no to his plea. At least this would keep you awake while Zen wrapped things up in the restaurant. You hopped into the car and buckled your seatbelt. He drove quickly and quietly, not making much conversation. “So what happened?” you ask again. 

“He’s just really agitated and wants to see you” he says, not looking in your direction. “Why did you leave the restaurant on your own?”

You hesitated to tell him Jaehee had made you upset. “The food made me nauseous.” you said. “I asked Zen to stay and told him I’d meet him at home.”

“Oh.” he said. “Here’s some PhD Pepper, the effervescence will help with nausea” he passed you an open can of the drink. You grabbed it without much thought and took a sip of it - you didn’t know what you expected but it tasted odd. You were surprised he liked this drink, it tasted kind of gross. You put it on the cup holder and couldn’t help but make a face. “You don’t like it?” he asked.

“No, it tastes terrible” you say, trying to shake off the flavor.

“That’s too bad” he said. Sitting in the front seat of the car while he drove made you feel really tired - you knew you had been fighting the exhaustion for a long time now but it seemed it was hitting you all at once and you struggled to keep your eyes open. When you opened them again everything seemed somewhat fuzzy. 

“Why is that too bad?” you said, trying to keep up the conversation, hoping it would keep you awake. 

“Because you’ll be drinking more of it” he said. He turned to look at you - the messy red hair and the yellow black glasses that covered his light mint eyes. Mint eyes?

“Saeran?” you asked, your head spinning now.

“Just relax. We’re almost at paradise”

“What?” you asked, but whatever sip of drink you’d had was affecting you so much your limbs felt heavy and you were struggling just to keep awake. “Take me back” you managed to say, but your voice seemed like a distant whisper.

“I’m taking you home” he said. You wanted to fight and struggle but whatever he had given you was quick and effective. You passed out before you were able to say another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. There are a few things I want to address in this chapter.  
> 1- Jaehee. Yes, I know she was mean in this chapter. I love Jaehee so this was hard to write but, BUT, I replayed recently Zen's route and she is soooo super overprotective of Zen that it seemed this would be something she might do. And to get Zen's good ending you lie to her a lot - you tell her you're not interested in Zen, that you only like him as a fan, that you don't have feelings for him, where in reality you're totally digging him. Right? It is none of her business, but I can see her going off on you like that for being a liar. Maybe. Maybe not quite this bad but... hey, plot purposes. Right?
> 
> 2- Zen's proposal. I totally think he would do this! and it's so funny, I thought about him doing this after a play and it just wouldn't get out of my head. This is exactly what he would do. I took his words verbatim off his good end "I wanted to tell the whole world you're mine" (remember him telling the entire press you were his girlfriend?). Exactly. So... I wanted to describe a good ring and I googled some headcanons on tumblr and found jay1892.tumblr.com post about RFA proposal headcanons and guess what? they thought of the same thing. I guess I am on the right track for this so I had to keep it. I swear I thought about it on my own and I didn't copy the proposal (mine is not quite as flamboyant lol) but I did more or less took the idea for ring design (also not quite the same but similar enough). But I wanted to give a shout out to this fan for that. Thank you for making me feel I'm on the right track with keeping Zen in character!
> 
> 3- The song - I totally stole the song. This song is by the same artist as the first song. I very slightly modified the translation but it is more of less the same. If you want to hear it it is in Spanish and it is called "Mis planes son amarte" by Juanes. His video it is about him finally reuniting with his soulmate after interdimentional travel so... I mean, couldn't be more perfect than that, huh? I love the song so I recommend it. If you've never heard of Juanes he is a 19 latin grammy award winning artist (has the record for most latin grammys for a solo artist). So... he is quite special and dear to me. I've been a fan since his first album and I was like 10 years old then (really, his first album came out in 2000). 
> 
> I think I had some more things to say but it's late and I want to give you the chapter. Please, as always, comment, review, critique, tell me everything you love, everything you hate, I want to hear it all!


	17. Even When You Turn Your Eyes Away From Me And Return To Your Real Life, I’ll Be Sending My Love Across All The Dimensions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's not a lot of archive warnings I can mark this chapter to give you a heads up so I will just say... It is a dark chapter. At least, to me, it is scary.   
> Also, I used your mother/ your mom in this chapter. If it doesn't fit into your circumstances, feel free to think of it as a dear friend, dad, sister, etc.

You heard a beeping over and over. It dragged you out of your sleep as if it was pulling you into consciousness. You didn’t recall your alarm sounding like this but it was annoying enough to wake you up. When you opened your eyes the light was so bright you thought it would blind you so  shut them close again. You tried to cover your eyes with your hand and open them slowly - except when you moved your hand towards your face you touched a tube coming out of your mouth and you realized it was a tube going down your throat. You started to panic and felt the tube was choking you. The beeping you were hearing before suddenly got a lot faster. Your eyes shot open despite the brightness and you looked around - You didn’t recognize your room or Zen’s room. Then you remembered Saeran had drugged you and taken you from the restaurant you had been having dinner at with the rest of the RFA. You tried to sit up but the position made the tube on your throat hurt more. When you looked around, you noticed you were in a hospital bed. You looked to your right and saw a familiar face sleeping on the chair next to you.

Mom? you recognized her immediately. You banged your hand against the railing on the side of the bed and her head shot up. 

“MC” she said, shocked, yet relieved. You pointed at the tube in your mouth, feeling more and more freaked out by the second but at least knowing you were in a hospital made you feel safer. Your mom stood up quickly and called for a nurse, saying you were awake. About 20 seconds later there was an array of nurses taking the tube out of your throat so you could breathe on your own. There was also a tube in your nose you had ignored until they removed it  as well - it was painfully uncomfortable to remove and you wished you never had to go through that again. 

Once the nurses made enough room and the tubes where out of you, your mother ran to your arms and gave you a hug. Her voice was cracking, she had been crying. “I thought you’d never wake up honey, I was so scared I’d lost you”

“I’m sorry mom. I’m sorry” you said “how… what… what happened?”

“You’ve been asleep for almost 3 days baby” she said, pulling away from you and putting her hands on your face. “One of your coworkers worried when you didn’t show up for work and you weren’t picking up your phone. She sent paramedics to your house and they couldn’t wake you so they brought you here and they called me”

“Oh…” you said, looking down. You had been so enamoured during your time with Zen you didn’t really think through the possible consequences of your body in your own dimension. You looked at your hand and your ring was gone. What was very noticeable was the IV line on your hand. 

“They were saying you overdosed on benadryl” she said, grabbing your hand. “Is there something going on honey? Is this true? Why didn’t you come to me if you were having problems? I love you honey, I love you” your mother kept repeating over and over until her tears overtook her ability to say anything coherent and she just held you in her arms again.

“No, mom, no, I didn’t. I didn’t try to… I didn’t overdose, I swear” you tried to explain but she wasn’t listening. The doctors must have told her this over and over. “I’m sorry I put you through this mom, I’m sorry” you said.

“Please don’t ever do this again, you can’t leave me” she repeated between tears. Seeing her like that broke your heart and you felt so guilty for not thinking this might happen you began to cry with her as you apologized over and over. How to explain what was really going on? Seeing your mother like this was like a bucket of ice water had landed right onto you and given you a rude awakening. A few seconds later, a doctor walked into the room.

“Miss… MC” he said, looking at a computer on wheels he had rolled into the room. “I’m glad to see you awake. We were worried you might not come back to us” he said, coming over to the side of the bed. “Do you mind if I do a quick examination?” 

“Uhm, go… go ahead” you said, in between sobs. Your mother finally let go of you and sat back on the chair. The doctor listened to your lungs and your heart. He also listened to your stomach, looked at your eyes and had you follow several commands which he explained were to check for any neurological deficits - touching your nose with the tip of your finger and touching your thumb with the rest of your fingers in an alternating pattern. He ran a little pointy cartwheel through your legs and when he did this you noticed a catheter on the side of the bed. You groaned at the idea and asked him to take it out. He said the nurse would come do that in a few minutes. 

“Well, you look like you’re back to normal. Now, let me ask you some questions. What day is it?”

“Uh…” you said, looking at your mom with the side of your eyes. “She said I’d been asleep for almost 3 days so I’m guessing… tuesday?”

“It is tuesday” he said, typing on the computer. “Did you take any drugs that may have caused you to sleep for this long?”

“I… I took some benadryl before I went to bed but that was only two” 

“Only two benadryl?” he repeated, questioning you.

“Yes”

“Alright” he said. “Do you recall being bitten by any animals recently?”

“No” 

“Anyone that might have drugged you or poisoned you?”

“Uh… No…” not in this dimension, at least.

“Okay. Well. Assuming you’re not lying about any of your answers…” the doctor began “You either were drugged and you don’t know it, you tried to commit suicide and you don’t want to admit it, or… “ he paused before continuing “according to the history we have on you and what your mother shared with us, it could be new onset schizophrenia with severe catatonia.” he said. “However, I am an internist and not a psychiatric doctor. Two of these likely diagnosis need to be tested and diagnosed by a psychiatrist. I recommend a 72 hour psychiatric hold which is standard procedure for patients with suicidal ideation or unmanaged psychiatric disorders. That is assuming you remain conscious.” 

“A psychiatric hold?” your mother asked.

“It means she’ll stay in the hospital until she’s evaluated and discharged by the psychiatrist on staff. He may recommend further testing which can be done outpatient if possible to not incur in further costs for you if she is healthy enough to leave. Let me have you stand up and walk around the room.” he said, lowering the bar on the side of the bed. You rolled to the side and stood up. You were stiff and sore but felt much better than the other times you had traveled to the other dimension - likely because the IV’s you had in you kept you hydrated and they probably moved you around so you wouldn’t get bed sores. “Alright, she seems physically fit. The majority of your tests were normal except for your HCG levels. Have you had HCG injections before?” 

“HCG?”

“That’s the pregnancy hormone. Your levels are high but you’re not pregnant. HCG injections can make your level appear high-”

“What?” you interrupted him.  _ You weren’t pregnant? _

“HCG injections are common for weight loss”

“No…” you said, holding onto the IV line tube, You weren’t sure you were denying his question about the injections or… “Mom, can you… can you go get me some juice, please?”

“Of course honey” your mom said, grabbing her purse from the chair. You were surprised that had worked so well, you expected her to want to stay to listen to what the doctor had to say but you realized perhaps she needed a minute to compose herself too and had been waiting for an out. As soon as she stepped out of the room, the doctor turned back to you.

“Is there something you wanted to tell me not in front of your mother?”

“I’m not pregnant?” you asked

“No. And it doesn’t look like you were. At first we thought you might be and it wouldn’t be a totally uncommon reason for a young unmarried girl like you to attempt suicide from thinking they’re pregnant or attempt an abortion at home. Is that what you did? Did you take something to try to induce an abortion?”

“No! No, no.” you said. “I just… I had gone to my OBGYN and the test results were… inconclusive. I was supposed to return. There was nothing on the ultrasound they did.”

“Were you trying to get pregnant?”

“No, no, I don’t… I don’t even have a boyfriend” you said, feeling a pang in your chest when you said that.  _ Zen _ .

“Alright. Well, it is odd that you have that high HCG level but we did an MRI scan and there’s nothing there. You’re definitely not pregnant and based on your levels we should have seen something if you were. There isn’t even a yolk sac or any remnants that would indicate an early miscarriage. I hate to say it but if you are having new onset schizophrenia, it is not uncommon for it to present with a psychosomatic pregnancy or pseudocyesis. Again, these are things that you should see the psychiatrist for and they’re not my field of expertise.” You nodded, mostly because you didn’t want the doctor to repeat himself but you were in shock listening to the things he was telling you. “Alright. Do you have any other questions for me?”

“When do I see the psychiatrist?” you asked, your voice barely a whisper now.

“He’ll probably be around before the end of the day” the doctor said. “I’m going to keep you for observation and if you don’t fall asleep where we can’t wake you and you don’t present with any new symptoms then we can discharge you to the psych floor to get clearance from them.” 

“Okay...” you said, feeling a burden on your shoulders. Had this all been a hallucination? Your mother wasn’t back yet so you looked for your phone which you found on the chair your mother had been sitting by some of your other things. You skimmed through the missed calls and texts but ultimately you just opened the mystic messenger app. It didn’t look like anything had changed in it. You could still open all the different routes and skip through conversations as you had before. It was nothing but a game. You put your phone down on the bed and looked at the floor.  _ What is happening to me. Am I actually sick? Is this what schizophrenia feels like? I… I believe a video game character proposed to me? Zen… are you real at all? _

You lied back on the bed despite feeling like you had been lying in it for too long. You pressed the nurse button and when someone came in you asked them to take the foley catheter out which they complied with.  Your mother came in as soon as the nurse left with a sandwich and a bottled juice. 

“You’ve had nothing but that liquid they put on the feeding tube up your nose” your mother said, bringing you the food. “I saw the doctor on my way back and he said it was okay to feed you if you were hungry but that it could make you nauseous since you haven’t had solid food in a few days. Oh honey… did you try to… hurt yourself?”

“No mom… I really didn’t” you say, taking the juice she gave you. Your throat burned when the juice went down it and your stomach felt like it would hurl at any second. You gave her back the juice and shook your head no at the sandwich. “I can’t, not now” you said. “Maybe later”. 

A few hours passed and your mother recounted the amount of tests and various diagnosis they had given her while you were asleep. The doctors were impressed your blood work was clean from drugs and had tested major poisons but there were too many and you weren’t running a fever. They had tested you for meningitis, rabies, and a variety of other viruses and cancers but you had been cleared from all of them. The only strange thing was that every few hours or so you seemed to tense up which was what had led them to believe you weren’t actually asleep but in a state of catatonia. “They couldn’t explain it otherwise.” your mother said, eating the sandwich she had brought for you. A nurse kept coming every hour or so to check your vitals which were normal and you walked around a bit to stretch your legs. They still wouldn’t take out your IV in case they had to give you medicine but other than that it just felt like they were keeping you locked in a hospital bed. You felt fine if not for the nausea and the burning throat which they told you it was because of the tube you had. Finally, about 8 hours later, the psychiatrist finally made an appearance. Coincidentally, your mother had gone to get some clothes and it was nearing night time. You told her to go home and get some rest. She had been sleeping in that chair for 2 days now and it didn’t seem fair she had to stay another night. 

“Miss… MC” the psychiatrist said, looking at the computer he had brought into the room with him. “Hello, I am Dr Yiao, the onstaff psychiatrist. I understand we are going to be moving you into the psych unit for clearance. It seems you had an episode of catatonic sleep for 3 days? That’s impressive.” he continue to read your chart without actually talking to you and you decided it would be best to just let him go through what was there and just answer his questions as best as possible. “Possible new onset schizophrenia with pseudocyesis”

“That’s what the other doctor said” you said, holding your fingers with each one.

“Alright. Let me go over some questions with you and I want you to answer as honestly as you possibly can. Even if you don’t think something might be relevant, you tell me anyways. Alright?”

“Alright…” you said, feeling a knot in your throat. If you tried telling him everything, he’d probably diagnose you with the problem right away. 

“Any drugs that may have caused your symptoms? Illegal drugs or prescription medications?”

“No”

“Any chance someone might have drugged you without your knowledge? Do you suspect anyone?”

“No... “ you said and couldn’t help back the tears when you thought of Saeran taking you in Seven’s car and giving you that rigged PhD Pepper. 

“Why are you crying? Is there something you want to tell me? Is there someone hurting you?” he asked “You’re safe here, anything you say is confidential”

You took a deep breath and tried to control your tears.  _ Where to even begin.  _

“I’ve had these… these… I don’t know” you say, covering your face with your hands as you couldn’t hold back the tears. 

“What have you had? Voices? Hallucinations?”

“I’ve… I’ve been having these dreams and they feel very, very real.”

“And what are you dreaming about?”

“The characters of a video game. It’s as if I am in their universe”

“But you’re aware these are dreams?”

“Yes… well, at first. At first it only happened for a few hours. I thought it was just a really vivid dream but then it happened again and again. Always the same setting with the same characters and it’s… its continuous, I remember what happens the previous times I’ve been there and so do they” 

“Do you see any of these characters when you’re awake? Do you hear them?” 

“No. When I’m awake I know I’m here and I know they’re… not real… but when I am there it… it feels real and it’s as if… as if I forget that I exist in this reality”

“And you’re sure you’ve never seen them or heard them outside of these dreams or outside of these episodes?

“Well… once I thought I’d heard one of the characters. I was actually here in the hospital for a concussion but I knew it had been my imagination then”

“Very well” he says. “These last… two days that you were catatonic, were you with these characters?”

“Yes”

“Tell me what happened”

“I… I found out I was pregnant and I was proposed to” Saying it outloud made it seem and feel completely and utterly insane. 

“So you’re pregnant in these dreams you’re having” you nodded. “Okay.” he said, looking at his computer. “Anything else happened in these dreams?”

“Right before I woke up here one of the characters drugged me”

“In your dreams?” he asked.

“Yes”

“And then you woke up?”

“Yes” The doctor moved over and sat on the edge of the bed. “And right now, do you feel these dreams are real or you understand that they’re just dreams?” 

“I…” you wanted to say that you knew they were dreams. Nothing but vivid dreams. But your heart cried when you tried to deny the love that you had experienced with Zen. “I... don’t know”

“That’s alright. It’s okay to be confused. It can be scary to feel that you know what the right answer is to be…  _ normal _ but I’m trying to help you. We can start you on some medication that will prevent you from having these episodes-”

“NO!” you said and immediately covered your mouth. “I… I don’t want to take medicine. Is there a… an alternative” you said, trying to dissimulate what just happened. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell.”

“Well, there are not a lot of options for what it seems that you have. You really need to be on this medication to prevent further catatonic episodes. You could die of dehydration or you could injure yourself if you pass out. You could hurt someone else who is trying to help you if you think you’re in another reality and you’re not hearing them and you can’t react to them”

“I just… I just…” how to explain you didn’t want to… not go back to Zen. “I... I would rather try maybe to change my diet or…” 

“Unfortunately schizophrenia with heavy hallucinations and 3 day long catatonic episodes and a psychosomatic pregnancy cannot be managed with just a diet change or exercise. You are welcome to try these things in conjunction with the medication and it can help you improve your symptoms. If you decide not to take your medications and you continue to have these episodes, there is a high chance that you might need inpatient treatment at a psych facility.” 

“You mean a mental hospital?” you said, appalled” 

“Basically, yes” 

“And then I’d end up taking the medication there as well”

“Absolutely” he said, taking further notes in his computer. “I’m going to start you on Chlorpromazine 25mg a day. I want you to be closely monitored when we start you on this medication so we’ll keep you in the hospital for the rest of your psychiatric hold and if you’re doing ok we will discharge you. I understand you live alone?”

“Yes”

“Can you have a friend or a relative stay with you for a few weeks to keep an eye on you?”

“I think my mom will probably stay with me for a while”

“Very well. I will come check on you tomorrow. Do you have any questions regarding your course of treatment?”

“No… “ you say. “Well, wait, can you take this medication if you’re pregnant?”

“No, but you’re not pregnant” he said, as he started to push the computer out of the room. You leaned back onto your bed and felt defeated. Should you have lied? What if this really was a disease that you were experiencing? You did not want to lie to your doctor, let alone a psychiatrist. You didn’t want to die and you didn’t want to put your mother through what you just put her through. You laid on your side on a fetal position and cried until you felt your tears ran out. You covered your face with your hands and felt you were shrinking into the hospital bed. You knew you couldn’t live like this, not eating or drinking for days on end while being in another dimension. But _ what if you took this medication and you never saw Zen again? Could you live with that?  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even have a lot of comments for this chapter. Please, please tell me your thoughts on this. I am freaking out about writing it.


	18. Just Stay There For Me Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Before you read this, I have a little favor to ask. I like to write to music and I need some music recommendations. Please leave your suggestions on some good instrumental music (or mostly in a language that isn't English) that will get me pumping to write faster. A playlist on youtube or spotify also works. OR, if you want, you can join me on a discord channel that I just opened today and give me some music suggestions. Or we can just talk! I'd love to meet my readers a little more. Here's the link https://discord.gg/gfRQvpw
> 
>  
> 
> aaand if you thought I was hurting you before... I'm sorry for this chapter. If you want to join the discord server just to cuss me out, that's fine too. I want to hear from you!

He saw her apologize for leaving early and fervently promised she’d wait up for him at home. Zen hesitantly agreed, if only because their friends had gone out of their way to make tonight happen and he’d barely had anything to eat yet. He didn’t fault her for feeling sick = she was carrying his child. Yet that alone made him want to go with her more. She insisted he stayed and against his better judgement, he conceded. He wondered what about the food made her feel ill - she hadn’t tried any of it and everything was tasty. A few seconds after she walked away, Jaehee re-joined them at the table, her face serious. More serious than usual.

“Jaehee, are you worried about work? Jumin needs to give you more time off”  Zen said, taking another bite of the food. It was delicious. Jaehee mumbled something about some proposal but Zen’s mind was elsewhere. Zen turned around and saw MC go outside with her cellphone at hand - the maitre d’ was busy. She was probably trying to call for a cab on her own. At least he could wait outside with her - every minute with her was a precious gift he didn’t want to waste. And that was just it - why was he letting her go off on her own? “Guys, I’m sorry. I can’t stay. I know I said I would, but MC doesn't feel well and it just doesn't feel right for me to leave her alone at home.” Zen says, finishing the rest of his drink. He looked at his phone to see the time and noticed a few missed calls from an unknown number - probably a fan. He ignored it, excused himself again, and headed outside after her. 

At first, he didn’t see her right away - how far could she have gone? Was there a cab right outside the restaurant and he missed her? But he spotted her soon enough getting into a red sports car- Seven’s sports car. Zen walked in their direction and despite being sure Seven had seen him heading there, he took off with MC in the passenger seat. He waved his arms in the air to try and catch their attention but failed.  _ Why was Seven outside of the restaurant? I thought he said he had work. And why the hell didn’t he stop?  _

Zen took his cell phone out and dialed Seven’s number. It rang until it reached voicemail. Then he dialed MC’s number… which also rang until it reached voicemail.  _ What was going on?  _ He tried both numbers again without an answer. An odd, sinking feeling began to grow inside of him- was she… more than friends with Luciel? No, it couldn’t be. But why weren’t they answering? Jealousy began to build up inside of him.  _ Had he always been this possessive? No, something just wasn’t right.  _ He put his hand in his jacket and grabbed the keys to his motorcycle - only to remember he had left it at the theater and everyone had taken Jumin’s limousine.  _ Even Luciel.  _ He rushed back into the restaurant, making a B-Line for the table while continuing to dial MC’s number. This time, it rang twice before the call was denied. 

“Jumin, I need the limo. Now” Zen said, anxiousness staining his voice. 

“What’s going on?” Jumin said, after swallowing a mouthful of food and snapping his fingers in Jaehee’s direction. Jaehee immediately pulled her phone out and called driver Kim. 

“I… uh, I just saw MC get in a car with Luciel but neither one of them are picking up their phone. I am worried something happened.” 

“Well, they can’t be very far, you weren’t even gone for 10 minutes” Jumin said, taking his own cell phone out. 

“Driver Kim will be here in 5 minutes” Jaehee announced.

“Huh. Luciel isn’t picking up his phone” Jumin said, putting his phone down. 

“I just said that!” Zen replied, raising his voice at Jumin and slamming his fist on the table. He drew the attention of the other customers towards him “Sorry. Sorry. I may be overreacting.” 

“Zen, let’s step outside of the restaurant. We’ll wait for driver Kim there.” Jumin said, getting up from the table. “Jaehee, take care of the bill. Tip them well” he added, giving her his credit card. “Yoosung, you can finish eating if you want to stay”

“Can I take the food to go? Then I won’t have to cook tomorrow” Yoosung said.

“If you want” Jumin said. 

“MC is still not answering. I’ve called her like 5 times now.” Zen said, clearly on edge.  _ What if she’s gone back…  _ a memory rang in the back of Zen’s mind:  _ Are you telling me you’ve romanced another member of the RFA in this ‘game’?  _ Zen tried to push the thoughts away but it was futile. He trusted Luciel not to hurt MC, but he didn’t trust him not to fall in love with her.

“Zen, let’s not make a scene. We’re drawing attention to ourselves and you’ve already been on the spotlight tonight.” Jumin said as he looked at the other dinners staring back at them. He began to lead Zen out of the restaurant. “Meet us outside Jaehee. Yoosung.” 

“Yes, Mr. Han” Jaehee answered as she signaled the waiter for the check. 

Once they were outside, he hold onto a frantic Zen who kept pacing over and over as he continued to dial numbers on his phone. 

“Hey. Calm down. Freaking out is not going to solve the problem. We’ll find them.” Jumin said as he signaled driver Kim and a limo showed around the corner.

“You don’t understand. I  _ know _ Luciel saw me walk towards the car and he just drove away. Why would he do that? Is he just trying to prank me?” Zen said, as he pushed the hair out of his face and looked into the sky. “Maybe it is just a prank and I am overreacting.” He took a deep breath. “But why continue to hang up my phone? I just… I don’t think MC would do this on purpose”

Jumin pulled open the door and led Zen into the backseat of the limo. “I’ll call the bodyguards and have them follow after Luciel’s car. They’ll catch up faster than us on the limo. Where is Jaehee- oh, there she comes.” Jumin said, moving to the back seat. 

“Mr. Han, Yoosung is waiting for the food. In the meantime, would you mind if I had a word with Zen?”

“Excuse me?” Jumin asked.

“Mr. Han, I’d like to discuss a private matter with Zen, if you don’t mind.” Jaehee requested. 

“Get out of the limo for a minute Jumin” Zen said, sounding exasperated. 

“Alright. I’ll call the head of the security team in the meantime, I suppose” Jumin said as he stepped out of the limo.

“Jaehee? What’s this about?” Zen asked, fidgeting in his seat.

“Zen… I… I need to apologize. I might have exchanged some harsh words with MC in the ladies room of the restaurant.”

“What? What does this have to do with anything?”

“I… I suppose I must admit jealousy got the better of me tonight and I figured out she is pregnant and I just… I think it’ll hurt your career. I had your best interests in mind, I promise”

“What did you tell her?” Zen asked in an aggravated mood.

“I told her… I told her in no uncertain terms that she was ruining your life” Jaehee said, looking at the floor of the limo. “I’m sorry! I don’t know if that may be the cause she is angry and not picking up the phone. I just don’t want to give you cause for alarm.”

“You did what?! Why would you think she is ruining my life? She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me Jaehee.” Zen covered his face with his hands. “I just… Why would you do this tonight of all nights? Can you not see how much she means to me?”

“I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help myself. I was in the wrong and overstepped my boundaries. I know that. But I also think that if that is the reason she isn’t answering the phone, she is punishing you for my mistakes and that is unfair.”

“Jaehee, I like you, but you are in no position to be saying anything about MC right now. We’ll talk about this later. I’m just going to call a taxi, this is taking too long and Luciel is on a sports car.” Zen said, moving to get out of the vehicle. 

“Zen, I am sorry.” Jaehee said, as she watched him get out. As soon as Zen stepped outside, he saw Jumin talking to a man in a motorcycle. It looked like one of his bodyguards.

“Jumin, let me borrow this motorcycle. This is taking too long” Zen said, approaching him. 

“Fine. But it belongs to the company so try not to damage it” Jumin said, using a nonverbal signal to the bodyguard to give the motorcycle to Zen. The bodyguard complied instantly. 

“I’m heading over the direction they went. If I don’t spot them, I’ll head over to Luciel’s house” Zen said. “I might call you for help.”

“I’ll keep my phone on me.” Jumin answered as Zen put on the helmet, thanked him, and started the motorcycle, and rode away.

As Zen rode the motorcycle at a speed faster than he should, different scenarios of what was going on began to play in his mind. And now, with the added possibility that Jaehee convinced MC she was a mistake in his life. She wasn’t. He loved her. He loved their unborn child.  _ Why wasn’t she answering the phone? What if she got sick? What if Luciel had to take her to a hospital? What if she passed out?  _ A red light made him stop and during that time he dialed MC’s number again. It went straight to voicemail this time. Now he wouldn’t be able to tell if her phone was off or if she had just… left again. He’d kill somebody for a cigarette right now.  _ No, you promised her you’d quit.  _

It didn’t take him long to reach Luciel’s house and banging on the door like a maniac was just what he was doing.  _ What if I’m overreacting and Luciel just took her home? _ No answer on the door. He banged the door again and saw the little camera on the corner follow his frantic pacing. 

“Luciel, open this goddamn door or so help me God” Zen said in a rage.  _ Was he losing it? He was overreacting now. No. No. Something was wrong.  _ The security system asked him for something in arabic. “I DON’T SPEAK ARABIC!!” Zen yelled back at the camera.  _ Access denied.  _ He banged on the door again, kicked it, tried to pick the lock even, but it was no use - it was a solid metal door. He had never felt so frustrated in his life. He called Luciel’s number and it went straight to voicemail once again. Zen felt he was overreacting but this knot in the pit of his stomach egged him on. “LUCIEL” he screamed at the door once again. The system demanding an answer in Arabic that he didn’t know the answer to. An incoming call from Jumin brought him back to reality. 

“I’m at your place Zen. There is no one here” Jumin said over the phone. 

“I’m at Luciel’s but no one is answering the door and the system is asking me for something in Arabic.” 

“I’ll have someone who speaks Arabic call you.” Jumin said, getting off the line. Zen continued to pace in front of the door when it opened, just for a few inches. Zen stopped in his tracks when he saw the door ajar but this was followed by the barrel of a gun aimed directly at him. 

“Put your hands on your head” he heard, a man’s voice he did not recognize. Zen did as he was told and put his hands in the back of his neck.  _ This, I did not expect this. What the fuck is going on?  _ “Who are you?”

“I’m Zen. I am a friend’s of Luciel” Zen answered, hoping that his words wouldn’t get him killed. 

“Where is Luciel?” the voice asked.

“I have no idea. I am looking for him” Zen answered, getting nervous by the minute.

“Do you have any weapons on you?”

“No”

“I don’t know you and I don’t trust you. What is the name of the organization that Luciel is a part of?” 

“The RFA?”

“Alright.” he heard the voice say and the gun disappeared from sight. The door closed again, something clicked, and it opened, revealing a man with long brown hair and a black coat. “Come in. I am looking for Luciel too”

“Who are you?” Zen asked, before deciding if he wanted to come in. After all, he had just had a gun aimed at.

“I’m Vanderwood, I work with Luciel” 

“Mary?”

“What?”

“Mary Vanderwood 3rd?” 

“What?”

“Luciel said his maid’s name was Mary Vanderwood 3rd” Zen said, recalling previous chats with Seven. 

“Of course he’d said that.” said Vanderwood, rolling his eyes. “Come on in. I don’t want to stand at the door forever”.Zen walked into Seven’s house and saw the mess - everything upturned, messy, broken items. As if someone really angry had decided to trash the place. 

“What happened here?” Zen asked. The knot in the middle of his stomach continued getting worse by the second.

“I don’t know. I’m guessing Saeran got violent” Vanderwood said, as he stepped over some items.

“Who?” Zen asked, moving carefully not to step over some glass.

“Saeran?” Vanderwood said, turning towards Zen. “I thought he had told the RFA. He brought that girl here to see him.”

“What? Wait, are you talking about MC? And who is Saeran?”

“MC, yeah, I think that’s her. Brown hair, bangs, pretty. Oh yeah, I think I saw you on the footage from a while back with her.”

“What footage?”

“I have access to the camera outside of Seven’s place. You brought her here a few times recently, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, I did. Wait, who is Saeran?” Zen asked, trying not to lose track of the conversation.

“Saeran is Luciel’s twin brother”

“WHAT?”

“Yeah. Listen, MC helped Luciel get him back from the weird cultist place. It was a whole ordeal. I helped them. Saeran is not… stable”

“Stable?”

“Mentally stable. And he reacted strongly to seeing MC from what I understand” Vanderwood commented.

“Why would he care about MC?”

“Apparently he wrote the code into the app that brought her here”

“Luciel’s brother wrote the code?”

“So he says. He thinks he made her. Where is she anyways?”

“She’s missing. I saw her get into a car with Luciel.”

“Oh, fuck. Have you talked to Luciel?” 

“Not since I saw him leave with her”

“Okay. Alright. I’m guessing you’re the boyfriend?” Vanderwood asked, in no simple terms.

“fiancé” Zen answered.

“Forget the semantics, just listen.” Vanderwood said, irritated ”I’m thinking Saeran cracked - he must have gotten violent considering the mess here. Hopefully he hasn’t killed Luciel, at least I really hope he wouldn’t. He probably took Luciel and took MC… whoever you saw driving away was probably Saeran. If Luciel had things under control we would have heard from him by now...”

Zen felt his head was about to explode. Was MC kidnapped by Luciel’s twin brother? How did he not know this was an issue he had to look out for? Did anyone else in the RFA know? Of all the things that could have happened to MC, this was not one he saw coming. Kidnapped. Taken.  _ He didn’t protect her from something he could have prevented.  _ Vanderwood was talking but Zen’s own thoughts were drowning his words. 

“... told him Rika is dead” Vanderwood continued saying. “We need to find them quickly or Saeran might kill them when he finds out”

“Find out what?” Zen asked, trying to keep up with Vanderwood’s deductions. 

“That Rika is dead. That we basically dismantled that cult thing they had going on” 

“What the hell are you talking about? Rika has been dead for a year and a half” Zen said, confused.

“No. Rika died a few weeks ago. You really don’t know what’s going on?” Vanderwood asked.

“Apparently not”  _ Why did he not know? _

“Come on. I’ll explain on the way. We need to head to Magenta and hope to catch them there. It’s our best bet. Saeran will try to get them there since it’ll be easy to control Luciel there and I think there are still some of the things they used for the elixir. He might leave once he realizes the place is abandoned though. Come, we gotta hurry. I’ll drive” Vanderwood said, grabbing the keys to one of Luciel’s cars. “Here. Do you know how to use one of these?” he said, handing Zen a handgun.

“Yeah” Zen said.  _ But I haven’t even held one in years. Not since… _

“Good. Let’s go”.  Vanderwood said, heading towards the garage. “Hopefully we’ll make it there on time, assuming I’m right about all this.”

“Let’s hope you’re right” Zen muttered. It was his best lead. His only lead.  _ What if he hurt her? What if he drugged her? Why wasn’t I there to protect her?  _

Vanderwood talked the entire drive there about RIka and Mint Eye. How MC had basically given them the information they needed to rescue Saeran. How Vanderwood had been helping to make sure Saeran was taking his meds, that Saeran wasn’t aggressive, but he had told Luciel he needed professional help and Luciel just didn’t listen. Well, now. Zen just listened. His mind wandered off sometimes and he would lose track of what Vanderwood was saying but for the most part he paid careful attention. The drive there took about somewhere around 40 minutes. It was out in the middle of nowhere in the woods. It occured to Zen that if Vanderwood hadn’t given him a gun, he’d be nervous of being brought out here with a stranger. The gun was certainly more reaffirming than anything else. 

“That’s the car they were in” Zen said, as soon as Vanderwood had pulled up to the mansion that was Magenta. Zen rushed out of the car and ran towards the red parked car - it was empty. He ran towards the building door followed closely by Vanderwood. the place looked desolate. 

“Are you insane? You’re going to get yourself killed” Vanderwood said as he quietly made his way towards him. “Just…. Just follow my lead” 

Zen agreed, if only because he didn’t know where to go and didn’t want to react by shooting a stranger. The mansion was dark and there were no lights on at all. It seemed the electricity had either been cut out or no one had turned any of the lights on. Zen had to focus on their mission - get MC safely and back with him. Now he was on edge. He wasn’t used to this kind of situations. Vanderwood, on the other hand, looked like a trained professional. He moved close to the walls and scanned every hallway before proceeding. Zen tried to imitate him but didn’t feel as graceful as Vanderwood looked. 

“Basement or 2nd floor?” Zen asked, once they reached a staircase. 

“2nd floor. That’s where the headquarters/computers are. If they’re here, Saeran will be there trying to restore what we did last time. Do you see that?” Vanderwood said, pointing at a writing on the wall - It read “ _ The savior is gone”  _ and it looked rather more cryptic than the meaning appeared to be.

“That was Rika?.” Zen said, recalling what Vanderwood had explained in the car.

“Yeah. If Saeran is here, he is bound to have found more evidence that she is gone”

“Let’s hurry then” Zen said, egging Vanderwood on. 

“This way” he said, heading them up the staircase and down a long corridor. “That door at the end, that’s the headquarters. I figure he is likely in there, but he might be in any of these rooms. They’re all bedrooms. If he wanted to keep Luciel close but locked, he’s probably in one on these rooms.“

“Got it” Zen said, looking into every room of the hallway while Vanderwood checked the opposite side.  It was quiet but nerve-wracking, not knowing what they’d find on each room. 

“LUCIEL!” Zen heard Vanderwood yell out. He rushed to the room it came from as quickly as his limbs allowed him to. He felt a cold sweat drip down his back as he braced to enter the room. 

And there they were, Luciel, curled in a fetal position on the floor. Zen rushed to his side while looking around the room - there was another man on the bed - another man that looked exactly like Luciel. 

“He’s alive” Vanderwood said. “But he’s got a fever. If I’d have to guess, he was probably poisoned. I need to take him to a hospital right now.”  _ Poison. Where was MC?  _ “Check on Saeran”

Zen stood up and rushed over to Saeran, again, scanning the room for any signs of MC… yet finding none. Saeran was lying on the bed, also in a fetal position - it almost looked like he was holding onto his stomach in pain. Unlike Luciel, however, Saeran was cold and limp. Zen looked around and found a bottle on the floor next to the bed.  _ Poison. Where is MC? _ Zen moved Saeran’s arms and laid him on his back, pressing his ear against his chest, trying to sense his breathing, a heartbeat, anything, but he couldn’t find one. He wasn’t good at this stuff, he knew it. But he’d never seen a body so still, so pale. The moonlight seemed to caress his face in just the right angle - the darkness of the room complimented his dark clothes, as if he belonged in this dark picture of solitude. He heard coughing and turned around to see Vanderwood sticking his fingers down Luciel’s throat, trying to induce vomiting. He thought of doing the same to Saeran but he knew, even if he had never tried to revive a body, that the man that laid before him, was already dead. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to stop reading after this chapter, I understand, but I would encourage you to continue reading. And I would also encourage you to join my discord server! You may be the first one since I just opened it today!  
> https://discord.gg/gfRQvpw


	19. Everything about you still means so much to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I want to say, thank you to everyone who joined the discord server! I've had a great time talking to you. If you were thinking about joining and hadn't had a chance to, here's the link  
> https://discord.gg/gfRQvpw
> 
> Also, shout out to another writer of Mysme fics, who took her time to branch off one of my chapters and is doing her own thing. Please check it out!  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/13518267

## 

“Honey, you can’t take those shoes” mom said. She was helping me pack a bag for my inpatient treatment. I didn’t want to go at first but mom insistent I should. She knew she couldn’t stay with me forever and me living alone with these episodes would have me, at the very least, dying of dehydration. “You can’t bring anything with shoelaces or strings. No razors.” 

“Yes mom. I know.” you said, as you continued to pack your clothes. You picked comfortable items and decided to take a notebook. They allowed a pillow so you decided to take that too. 

“You’re not allowed to have your cell phone either” your mother reminded you. 

“Yes, I know” You almost wished you hadn’t said your ‘hallucinations’ were of a mobile game. Now your mother wouldn’t even let you near your phone… which normally you’d be fine without but… you missed him. It’d been 5 days since you had last seen Zen, of which you had spent 3 at the hospital before they discharged you. The only symptoms you still had was a positive pregnancy test before you left the hospital. However, you had been assured over and over that you were not pregnant and showed you ultrasound pictures that proved it. Even then, when you closed your eyes you could recall the little heartbeat you’d seen with Zen.  _ Was that a hallucination as well? It was so real. You felt it was real.  _

After you had your things, your mother drove you to the inpatient treatment hospital… which was the nicer way of saying psych ward. You had been assured before going that it was a low-tier ward, meaning people weren’t violent. In fact, you were likely the one with the most severe diagnosis and you had only been allowed in because your grandfather was a prominent retired psychiatrist. 

“Now, don’t forget to take your medications while you’re there” your mother reminded you. “They’ll let you out sooner if you do.”

“They can’t keep me, I’m going in voluntarily” you said, but to be honest you weren’t sure if that was the case.

“Honey, they’ll let you out if they think you can treat your symptoms at home once they’ve figured out exactly what it is. I know you’re okay when you’re not having one of those episodes. I just…” your mother stopped and signaled she needed a second. “I just really want you to be okay.” she said, with a shaky voice, doing her best to hold back tears.

“Mom… I’ll be okay. I promise”  _ Would you really be okay if you never saw Zen again?  _ “I will follow all of their instructions.” 

“I know. I know you’ll be a good patient. You’re a smart girl.” your mother said. “I just can’t stop thinking about your father.”

“I know. It’s not the same though, I promise. I’m not doing any drugs” you say, trying to offer some comfort. 

“It’s just… he died so suddenly when you were little. I never even knew he was so troubled. Just like I didn’t know you were sick” she continued. “When they called me and said you were not responsive, I… I panicked. I thought I’d lost you like I lost him” 

“No, mom. I promise I am not doing any drugs. I promise I am not trying to kill myself” she finally nodded and dropped the subject. She let you out of the car and helped you carry the things into the lobby. Checking in was much simpler than expected. They did go over all your items to make sure you didn’t have anything they didn’t allow. The plan was to keep you for about two weeks if everything went well.  Then she’d be back to pick you up and have you stay with her for a few weeks. If you didn’t have any prolonged episodes, you’d go back to your home. That was the goal. 

They showed you to your room and your mother helped you unpack your things. She hugged you for what it seemed like forever before finally leaving. The small room they gave you had a single bed, some drawers, and a window with some metal bars over it. All in an eerie shade of off-white that really, truly, expressed psych ward room. Or prison, based on the bars of the window. When your mother was finally gone, you found you had little to do without having access to the internet or technology in general. You asked around to the nurses  and you were told there was an area you could check out some classic books or there was a common area were you could socialize with the other patients and play board games. You headed towards the books first. There was a girl about your age there, resting her elbows on the counter. Whoever was helping her was not at their station. The girl stood out because she had shoulder length blonde hair but the tips were shaded in a rose-gold color. When you approached, she turned towards you and gazed at you with bored grey eyes. You could see she was very thin despite her baggy clothes. She turned again towards the direction of the counter and ignored your presence there.

“Hey” you said. They had advised you to socialize but you weren’t sure what to expect of the other patients there. She turned towards you again and looked at you from head to toe.

“You’re new” she said. It wasn’t a question. 

“Yeah… I’m MC. Just checked in today” 

“ ‘Voluntarily’ I’m guessing” she said, raising one of her eyebrow. Your questioning look prompted an answer out of her. “We’re all here ‘voluntarily’ just like every prisoner in jail is innocent”. She gave you a smirk that seemed to say  _ You’ve no idea what you’re doing here.  _

“I guess? “ You weren’t sure what to say to her but you didn’t want to start your first interaction by being contrarian. 

“All the books here are classics so if you were looking for something new you won’t find it.” She added right before the lady in charge of the books showed up. The lady walked behind the counter, still scanning the inner shelves with her eyes. It was a short, stocky woman with glasses and greyed out hair. The most classic looking librarian you had ever seen in your life. Her glasses even had a string around her neck.

“I thought I had two copies of The Picture of Dorian Grey” the lady said before looking in your direction. “I’ll be with you in one minute dear” 

“That’s alright Mrs Hail, I’ll just hang out with my new friend here for the next day or two” she said, looking in your direction.  _ What? You didn’t even know her name.  _ She turned towards you. “Come on MC, lets go for a walk. I will show you around.” 

“Uhm… Sure, okay, why not” you said, hesitantly. You wish you knew why she was here before hanging out with her but you figured it wasn’t polite to ask and most likely you’d have to wait for it to come up… if it even did. 

“Don’t worry, I don’t bite” she said, putting on a smile on her face. “Come MC, I’ll show you around. By the way, my name is Daria”

She walked with you around the most common areas of the ward. She showed you some of the bending machines and where to get food and your medications. 

“Some things are just how you expect them to be but some others aren’t. There’s a windows behind some glass where the nurses give you your medication but they don’t pop your mouth open to make sure you’ve taken it… Unless you’re known for not taking it.” she added, holding on to the tip of her hair with her left hand. “So… do you want to talk about our lives? That’s kind of what most people do around here” she said. “I know it's your first day but… you’ll have to do it at group therapy. You might as well practice with me now. It is easier saying it one-on-one than in front of a bunch of people. At least it helps to keep your story concise and you say what you want to say. After a while you kind of get soooo used to telling the story that its like regurgitating a script every time” Daria said, sitting on the corner seat of the room. There were large, beautiful windows in the community room and the light shone through the glass so beautifully… but the windows were still covered by metal bars and it really put a harsh reality on the situation. You thought about what to say - what would you say at group therapy? Hallucinations? That you still believed deep down you were engaged to a video game character? That you were pregnant despite doctors assuring you otherwise? Would you lie?

“If you want, I can share first” she said, the silence probably making her feel uncomfortable. She bent her knees and curled up on the chair. She was tiny and probably a lot skinnier than you had originally taken her for. You nodded, inviting her to talk first. “Well…” she said, taking a deep breath before starting her story. “Basically… I fell in love” She held her knees closer to her chest. “He… he was everything to me. I lived and breathed his name. My life revolved around him. Sometimes I still feel I can’t breathe when he is not around.” She looked at you with her big grey eyes. There was a sadness there that you had never seen before - it wasn’t a desperate sadness, but it was a sadness that ran deep. “I know I’ll never find anyone like him. No one will ever love me like he did.” Her eyes filled with tears and she wiped them away with the sleeve of her sweater. “He died about two years ago. Cancer.” she said, looking away towards the window and taking a deep breath. “Would you look at that. I said it gets easier and here I am getting emotional” she wiped her eyes again and swallowed hard. She tried to control her breathing to keep from crying. “I know he wouldn’t want me to be like this. We would want me to find love again… But I just, I can’t imagine anyone else touching me” She wrapped her hands around the back of her neck and stopped talking, looking at the floor. One of the sleeves of her oversized sweater rolled down a bit - not much, but enough to give you a peak of her inner left forearm. Long but thin pink scars covered them. Some looked more healed up than others. She noticed you staring at her left arm and pulled the sleeve back up. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean-” 

“Well, its the reason I am here.” she said, and rolled up her right arm, showing you it was covered by bandages. “This one is still kind of fresh” she said, rolling down the sleeves again. “I miss him” she said, holding both her arms against her chest. “Some days I wake up thinking he is still here but then… I realize he is not and… I just want to join him.” 

“I’m sorry” you said. You didn’t have much comfort to give her. The man you loved was not here and you wanted to join him. Your problem seemed petty in comparison.  

“The worst part is I know how much he wanted me to be happy… He lived to make me happy… and I’ve failed him… I…“ BAM. A loud noise came from the corridor outside of the common room. Everyone jumped at the noise and looked towards the area the sound came from. You could hear some people struggling and someone screaming - it sounded like a man. The words were unintelligible. “Well… that’s not going to last long” Daria added, in reference to the loud noise after wiping her eyes again. 

“What do you mean?” you asked.

“Violent or problematic people don’t last very long here. This is supposed to be more of a… safe space, if you will. The majority of the people here have anxiety, depression, suicidal tendencies…” she seemed to hover over that last word a bit longer than usual “just... that kind of stuff. More violent or more complex patients get sent to other places. If they’re here is probably just because there was a shortage of beds in the psych hospital or they’re trying to figure out what’s the best place to transfer… whoever that is” 

“How long have you been here?” you asked, before realizing that question might have been inappropriate. 

“Oh… uhnm…” Daria thought about the answer for a few seconds. “I’ve been in and out of this place almost every month since Teddy died” she said. "Normally I don’t stay longer than a week or two. It’s just… No matter what I do everything reminds me of him when I’m out there”.

“I’m really sorry, it must be incredibly tough” you said. How could you tell someone who’d had such a real tragic experience why you were really there?.

“Tough doesn’t even begin to describe it. I can still close my eyes and feel his breath on my neck, his hands on my skin. I know what it felt like for him to touch me and I just can’t… I can’t open up to anyone. I can’t move on. The wounds in my skin heal but the wounds on my heart still feel like they’re raw…” 

“Why don’t you tell me about him?” you asked. It seemed to you that therapy made her talk about her experience but didn’t ask her what she remembered about him.

“He was… the best man I’ve ever met“ she began. She told you about how they met as children. He was her neighbor and best friend. He’d asked her out in high school and she’d never had another boyfriend in her life. They planned out their college career and got into the same schools - he was studying to go to med school and she was going for architecture. A few months before graduating he’d began showing symptoms - headaches. They’d thought it was the lack of sleep from studying or stress from the finals. It didn’t help his dad had chronic migraines all his life and so he just assumed it was that. Until it wasn’t. Until the pain began to blind him. Until she had to rush him to the ER in the middle of the night because he’d had a seizure… and from then, it’ll all happened too fast and he slipped from her fingers. 

She cried so much while telling you the story but in the end she thanked you. It seems everyone asked her about her life after him and she always had a hard time answering - she felt her life had stopped after him and how could she move on? How could she live a life without him in it? You understood. You understood all too well not having the person you loved… but you dared not tell her what was going on with you. When she asked you, you told her you’d had some hallucinations and they were trying you on a new medication. She didn’t pry much more than that - it seemed she was exhausted from telling you her story. She walked with you to the medicine counter and you got a little pill in a little plastic cup. You wondered if taking this medication would keep you from Zen and if it would affect your baby. Deep down your heart told you everything was real but… what if it wasn’t? What if you were really sick? What if… You looked at the pill and took it, swallowing hard. You had to try. What if you needed this treatment to go back to your real life?

The day passed without much going on for you. At night, you went to sleep and laid awake in that mattress for way too long. You thought about Zen and your baby, you thought about life without them, about being sick, about your mother and your father. Had your mother felt like Daria when your father died? She never remarried and her attention was always on you growing up. You wondered about your father’s dad and his work as a psychiatrist. Eventually, you fell asleep, though your head was spinning. You dreamt about Daria crying over her love in a hospital bed and you cried with her. When you left her room, however, the nurses took you back in and you were in a hospital gown. They made you lie back on the bed despite your protests. “I’m not sick” you kept saying, but they pushed you down and injected something into your arm. You cried - why couldn’t they see you weren’t sick? You felt a hand caressing your arm and when you turned, Zen was there. He ran his hand through your hair and you pulled him closer, holding onto him. 

“I’m not sick, I know I’m not sick” you kept saying, but you felt weak now. Was that the medicine?

“It’s okay. I understand” he said. “I love you” 

“I’m not sick. Help me get out of here” you begged him.

“Just promise me you’ll be happy, no matter what” Zen said.

“I want to be happy with you” you said, but the words seemed heavy. You felt drowsy. Could you fall asleep in a dream? “... and the baby” you mumbled.

“You are not pregnant!” said a nurse on the other side of your bed.

“I love you” said Zen, kissing your forehead.

Your eyes shot wide open and you were dripping in sweat. What time was it? You looked around your room and turned the light on - you felt disoriented at first but you recognized the room in the psych hospital soon enough. You stood up and stumbled - you were weak and dizzier than you thought. You felt a pounding headache as well, as if your whole body wasn’t right. Your arms were shaky and you had chills. Your pajamas felt soaked and stuck to your body. When you turned around, you noticed a red stain on the bed.  _ Blood? _ Your heart sank.  _ No. No, no no no.  _ you said outloud, moving the sheets out of the way. The stain was small - smaller than your hand, but it was there. You touched between your legs and some of it covered your fingers. You wanted to scream. You wanted to cower in the corner of the room and cry when you felt a cramp. You walked towards the door and pried it open - where were the nurses? What time was it? Right before you were able to scream, a nurse ran over in your direction.

“Are you alright honey? Did you have a bad dream?” she said.

“I’m bleeding” you said, as you felt another cramp on your lower abdomen.

“Oh sweetie, do you need a pad? I’ll change those sheets for you. You’re sweating,  do you want a shower?” you nodded yes. You wanted to cry but you didn’t want to start telling the nurse you might be having a miscarriage. Everyone told you that you were not pregnant but your heart hurt more than the cramps you were having. The nurse led you to the shower and even turned the water on for you. You stepped in it and felt the hot water against your back. You couldn’t held back the tears then and you felt your knees crumble beneath you. Did you have a miscarriage? Were you never pregnant and this was your period? It wasn’t a copious amount of blood and you didn’t know enough about the subject to know.  Either way, it hurt. It hurt to know you may not be pregnant. The look on Zen’s face when he had seen that small heartbeat was all you could think about.  _ I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  _ You shouldn’t have taken that medicine. You were on it for almost over a week now and this happened. You sobbed in that shower until the nurse came back to get you.

“Your eyes are really red, do you want some eye drops?” the nurse asked - you weren’t sure if she was just trained to ignore your crying - every patient here likely had episodes of crying. She gave you a pad and a clean set of pajamas before returning you to your room. The bloodstain was gone and you climbed back into your bed. After the nurse left, you cried yourself to sleep again.

  
  


The next day, you barely found some spotting on your pad. You changed and headed to grab breakfast. You felt weak and defeated, but felt there wasn’t much to do other than resign yourself to your current reality. Your heart ached, but you still didn’t know what had really happened. Perhaps later you could convince a nurse to do some blood work on you to check your hormone levels. You had a few hours to kill before group therapy and part of you wanted to find Daria again. You found her talking to another patient by the same window you had sat the day before. You wondered if she’d mind if you approached her but decided against it. Perhaps they were having a more private conversation. 

You walked to the book counter instead and grabbed a copy of Alice's Adventures In Wonderland by Lewis Carroll. At this point, anything to get out of your own head would suffice. You sat some distance away from Daria and the guy she was sitting across from. She was crying again, this time much more obvious than yesterday, when she was talking with you. The guy sitting across from her you hadn’t noticed the previous day, but he looked familiar. Perhaps he worked in town and you had met him before. You turned your attention back to the book you had picked up but found you were not in the right headspace to pay attention. You still felt somewhat dizzy and the words seemed to blur together when you read. You stared outside the window instead and couldn’t help but notice a lot of the patients seemed to do the same thing - stare outside through the window.  A few (including Daria and the guy) were talking to other patients and a few others were playing board games. 

Around lunch time, you were taken to group therapy and you heard tons of stories from different people with different diagnosis - Daria was right - most people where in here for depression, PSTD, and other similar illnesses. You explained you were there for catatonic episodes and schizophrenia and that they were trying you on some new medication. It felt like you had little to say other than your diagnosis but they would not pry Zen out of your lips again. If you were really sick, he didn’t matter and if you weren’t sick… you did not want to keep hearing people say his name like it was the wrong thing to say. You couldn’t help but notice the guy Daria had been talking to wasn’t in the group therapy. Once you were back in the common room, Daria sat next to you. 

“Hey. How did you like group therapy?” she asked, pulling her legs onto the chair.

“It was alright. It does make you feel better knowing people are going through similar things” you said. “It’s not as lonely of a struggle”

“Well.. but no one has what you have” she said, biting one of the nails in her hand.

“True, but a lot of the symptoms are similar” you say. “I don’t know, maybe the struggle in general isn’t as bad when you know other people are dealing with the same thing. 

“True” she said. “Well, that guy I talked to yesterday is also an unique case here”

“Oh, how come?” 

“He’s got something like… split personality disorder? I don’t think he’s sure he has it. And of course the nurses here don’t tell you anything. 

“Is he new here?”

“I’d never seen him before.” she said “but that kind of rare diagnostics are usually not in here. And with a split personality he’s may get violent. He won’t last until the end of the week.”

“Huh” you say, “I was wondering about him. He really did look familiar.”

“Really? You know, that’s funny, he was looking for a girl named MC too. 

“What?”

“Yeah but he gave me a description of you and that’s not you at all. He said brown hair, bangs, amber/gold eyes... I’ve don’t think I’ve seen that girl.”

“What?” you felt a chill down your spine.  _ What is going on?  _ “Did he say anything else?”

“Not really. I’m only saying the personality thing because he was really sweet at first but towards the end of our talk he got quite rude. 

“Did you catch his name?”

“That’s another thing that was odd” she said, thinking back. “First, he asked me to call him Ray but then he wanted me to call him Saeran”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the risk of sounding like a youtuber, don't forget to click the kudos button and subscribe!!


	20. That let’s me endure - All the waiting I have to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the ridiculous long wait. If you don't know who Ember is, go read Selfish here https://archiveofourown.org/works/13518267
> 
> Also, join the discord https://discord.gg/gfRQvpw if you want to chat with me and the other people who have so greatly supported me in writing this crazy fic! 
> 
> Thank you all for reading!

  
  


“MC?” Daria asked, trying to get a response out of you. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost”

“I think I am seeing one right now” you mumbled, your eyes darting towards the guy sitting by the window. “Are you sure he said that was his name?”

“Yeah, I thought it was rather odd.” Daria said shrugging. “Do you know him?”

“Shhh-” you shushed her, realizing you may just be close enough to be within hearing distance. “Let’s move seats and I’ll tell you”

“O...kay” she said, hesitantly. You spotted a seat across the room and almost dragged Daria with you. 

“Tell me what he told you” you said, sitting in front of her while still keeping an eye on Saeran. He didn’t seem to have noticed you two had switched seats and just kept staring outside.

“I already told you. He said he was looking for a girl named MC, like you, but he described her differently.”

“Why is he here?” you asked her.

“I don’t know. He seemed confused and… - like he doesn’t know why he’s here. That, or he didn’t want to tell me, but I think he’s just out of it. Who knows what meds they put him on or what meds he is not on. He kept staring at his hands too, like he’d never seen them before. He’s definitely on some medication”

“Did he say anything about Zen?”

“Zen? Like… the buddhism?” 

“No, no, a guy named Zen” you say, clearly Saeran hadn’t mentioned him. Your heart was beating faster than normal at this point - if Saeran was real, if Saeran was here, it meant you weren’t crazy and Zen was real. Everything was real.

“Do you know him?” Daria asked again. 

“Yes - no, well, sort of.”

“What does that mean? Are you the MC he is looking for?” 

“I... “ you stopped. What could you tell her that wouldn’t make you sound completely insane? She already knew your diagnosis included hallucinations. “I know him. Online. Online, we met online.” 

“Okay… oh my god, were you catfishing him? Is that why he thinks you look different than you do?”

“Not really. I mean. I… I sent some pictures and they were photoshopped” you lied. “That’s not the point. We met online in a group chat that that he invited me to and now he’s kind of... infatuated with me. And I’m in love with someone else.”

“Does he know you’re here? Is that why he’s looking for you? That’s… really creepy” she said, turning around to see him but quickly turning back towards you. “I mean, If he is just putting up a crazy act to get in here to find you you need to tell the nurses. That’s really weird and if he’s obsessed with you he could be dangerous.”

“I don’t know how he would know I’m in here. I think he has some… problems and it must have been a coincidence he ended up in here”

“Well, there are a lot of transient patients that come and go through here. If his problem is bad enough or he’s violent, he won’t be here too long” Daria said. “Are you going to tell him you’re… you? I mean… the way he described you I don’t think he knows what you look like. Are you sure that’s even him? You didn’t say anything at first.”

“I don’t think I should tell him it’s me… ” if he hadn’t tried kidnapping you and drugging you, then maybe you’d have approached him. “And he looked familiar but I just… I don’t know, I had never really seen him before”

“Well… Let’s just hope doesn’t become a problem around here.” she said, taking another quick peek at him. “Why does he keep staring outside? It’s like he’s fascinated by the trees.”

“Can you go back and talk to him?” you asked her, ignoring her comments.

“What? Why?” Daria asked. “He kind of gave me the creeps last time”

“I need to know more. I need to know how he got here.”

“Ah, you want to know if he’s stalking you”

“Uh… yes, basically”  _ How is he in this dimension?  _ But you couldn’t ask her to ask him that. “But don’t let him know I’m here. And don’t… don’t mention Zen.”

“Uhm… okay. I’ll see what I can find out” she said, standing up. “I’ll be discreet but it may take some time.”

“Daria…” you said, right after she stood up. “Just… Thank you.”

“No worries” she said, playing with the ends of her hair again. It seemed like a cute thing at first but now you were thinking it may be a nervous habit. 

You watched her go and start a conversation with him. She pointed at something outside the window and he looked, curiously. A little smile creeped up on the corners of his lips. A gentle smile. A shy smile. A smile that Daria probably missed entirely and only you noticed. He stood next to her - barely a few inches taller - yet he still leaned over, keeping his distance, and paying close attention to her words. He seemed so gentle, so kind, so respectful.  _ But he kidnapped you and drugged you.  _ It worried you that you might be putting Daria in harm’s way by pushing her to talk to him... But you hoped not. More than that, you didn’t think so. In the limited conversation she’d had with him he had made it clear he was looking for you. Then another thought hit you = what about your friend, Ember? When the possibility that this was all a dream you didn’t really believe she was there… but now was she still in the other side? They’d taken away your phone and you didn’t know her number by heart. Ugh, you felt like the worst friend in the world. But maybe…

“Hey” you said, as you approached one of the nurses “I need to make a phone call to my mom” 

“Phone calls are only at the end of the week and that’s if you’ve behaved appropriately” said one of the nurses as she arranged books in a shelve. 

“Oh please, its my friends birthday. I would really hate for her to think i forgot to call her. And I just, I need to call my mom to get the number.” you lied through your teeth. You hoped it was convincing enough.

“I’m sure your friend will understand if she knows you’re here” the nurse said.

“She doesn’t know I’m here. Please… I’d rather not tell her” 

The nurse started at you unconvincingly. “Alright. Come with me”

“Thank you!” you said, excitedly. For all you knew, you wouldn’t be able to reach her. And that was exactly what happened. You called your mom, she begrudgingly gave you the number, and you got Ember’s voicemail.  _ Ember, are you really in the other side? I’m sorry I didn’t tell you what was going on. I hope you’re ok. I hope… I hope Zen is okay.  _

“She didn’t answer” you say to the nurse, giving her back the phone. 

“I don’t think you’ll get this chance again” she said, taking the phone back. 

“I appreciate it. I left her a voicemail.” you say, walking back to the common room. As soon as you walked in, you looked across the room and saw that Saeran and Daria were still chatting. You had started to read a magazine - or at least pretended to read. Your thoughts were racing more than ever since Saeran had shown up and you couldn’t stop thinking about Zen and the baby.  _ And the blood in your sheets.  _ It had only been a little blood. And everyone kept telling you you weren’t pregnant. But you knew what you had seen. You’d seen that little heartbeat. You’d seen Zen look at it with glowing eyes and a smile from ear to ear. You knew it in your heart that it was there. 

“Medication time!” you heard over the speaker.  _ Medication. No.  _ You had to figure out a way not to take it. You didn’t need it. What was happening to you was real and this could very well be keeping you from traveling to the other side. _ But they couldn’t know you weren’t taking it or they’d keep you here longer.  _ You were going to have to fake it. 

As you did the line behind the other patients, you saw Daria telling Saeran to walk with her and they lined up behind the last person, sadly, not close enough to you to let you eavesdrop on their conversation. From the look of them, it seemed friendly enough - she looked as outgoing as she had been when she first approached you and he looked shy but happy to be talking to her. 

“Next” you heard the nurse call as you approached the medication window. She gave you a little plastic cup with a couple of pills in them. 

“I was only taking one before” you said. 

“Let me check your chart” the nurse replied. “Seems like you weren’t having any side effects with your previous dosage so the doctor increased it.”  _ two pills now.  _

“Uhm… okay”  _ two pills. Two pills to pretend to take. Alright.  _ You tossed them into your mouth and quickly pushed them to the space between your cheek and your teeth. Luckily they were small enough that they wouldn’t be obvious. You smile at the nurse after and gave her back the cup. 

“Next” you heard her call out.  _ That was easy. Now what. Where to toss the pills before they’d dissolve in your mouth.  _ You saw a sign that said “ **No restroom breaks 30 minutes after receiving your medications** “ Of course. And you were sure if you spit them out somewhere they’d find them.  _ But would they know they were yours?.  _ You figured you had to risk it and you couldn’t think of any other options at the moment. You went back to the chair you were sitting at, grabbed the magazine, and spit out the tiny pills onto the corner of the chair, in between the cushions.  _ I’m going to get caught.  _ You knew, but it was either this or taking the meds. You thought of your baby and spit out the second pill. You desperately wanted to go back to the other dimension but if it happened here you’d have to limit your time there or they’d increase your medication again or worse - switch you to something that may be more difficult to avoid to take. 

A few hours later and a group therapy session, you were taken back to your room. You laid awake on your bed for hours, unable to sleep.  _ How is Saeran here? Could Zen come here? Is Saeran going to go back to the other dimension like me? Are they going to notice I didn’t take my medication?  _ Questions like these plagued you and kept you awake almost all night. 

The next day, it was the same thing again. You asked Daria about Saeran but she said it seemed it was a coincidence that he was here. Apparently he had some sort of memory loss because his name was not on any registries and they couldn’t figure out who he was. They had been trying him on some different medications which seemed to stabilize his mood. He could remember his childhood which had been very abusive and he kept avoiding talk of Rika or MC. She told him little of her own story, trying to dig into his past but she had to spoonfed him questions to get him to talk. 

“I should be out in a little over a week” Daria said. “I’m not sure 11 days is enough time to get him to trust me enough to tell me if he’s really here looking for you”

“11 days?” you said, a chuckle escaped you. “11 days should be plenty of time”

“I’ll do my best. Tomorrow we should be allowed out to the patio.” Daria said. “Once you’re here for about 5 days and appear stable, they let you out. The garden is actually quite nice” 

“I’m sure he’d love that.” you said, remembering how Saeran liked plants. 

“Oh I’m sure he would. He seems to love plants… So did Tom” she said, mindlessly. “I know a lot about plants because of him. I’m sure I could tell him a thing or two” she said, getting up. “I’ll let you know if I uncover anything”

“Do your thing” you said. At this point, you were sending Daria to him mostly to keep him distracted. You still didn’t feel it was safe for him to know you were MC. You saw her go and stared at them for as long as you could. You still didn’t get caught throwing away your medication so you continued doing the same thing. Therapy. Magazine. Sleep. Rinse and repeat. Despite how much it shocked you that you hadn’t gotten caught, you figure it was still just a matter of time before you did. 

About 2 days later, they let Saeran and Daria out to the garden. You’d asked, and they said you were fine to go out as well, but you decided to stay indoors. You could watch them walk around the garden and Daria would point out the different flowers and Saeran would point out some other ones. You didn’t think Daria cared anymore about finding out what you asked but rather she was enjoying Saeran’s company, even if her eyes still had sadness behind them. Everyday you saw her finding him in the common room and head outside. This went on almost everyday without much chance until she sat across from you the day before she was due to get out. 

“I’m leaving tomorrow” she said, sitting across from you. 

“I know” you said, playing with a recent issue of the magazine you’d been reading. “Did he tell you anything else about me?”  you finally asked. You barely knew Daria so you didn’t want to pressure her regularly into revealing the personal details of her days with Saeran. 

“He’s… he is special” she said, looking at the floor. “He hasn’t really mentioned you much. The first few days he said he was looking for you but we haven’t really discussed you” she said, playing with her hair. “I tried my best to ask him how he got here and it seems like he overdose? I’m not sure on what, he called it elixir but I’m not familiar with that drug… I think you should just tell him its you. I don’t think he knows you’re here and I don’t think he’s stalking you.”

“I don’t know. He can be kind of obsessive sometimes” you say, looking around to make sure no one heard you.

“Maybe a little. Believe me, I know what being obsessive means. It’s kind of why I am here, isn’t it?” she said, pulling down the sleeves on her sweater, as if to cover her wounds better. “I don’t know. At first I thought he might have multiple personality disorder or something like that but maybe he was just going through mood swings from the meds. It seems to have settled now. He’s… he’s very sweet and he’s had a really hard life. I wish I could… I wish I could…” she said, not finding the right words to express herself, ending with her smiling, defeated. “This is going to sound odd but I’ve known love. I’ve been lucky enough to know what true love is and he’s just been abandoned and hurt so many times I wish I could just open his eyes and show him how amazing love is. How amazing it is to have someone who understands you, who loves you no matter what” she closed her eyes and held her arms to her chest, as if trying to keep still her beating heart. “I always thought that everyone has experienced love at some point - your mother’s love, your girlfriend, your wife, your children… but he’s never had any of it and it breaks my heart but… he is still looking and it is amazing to me. I can see that despite all the hurt he is still hopeful that someday he will find it. He is… quite the opposite of me. I’ve known the greatest love and since its like my heart has shut down. He has known no love and his heart's still beating” she said, wiping a tear from her cheek. “I’m sorry. I’m rambling.”

“No, no, its okay” you say, handing her a tissue from the tissue box nearby. These boxes seemed to be everywhere. “So… why don’t you show him what love is?” you say, almost smiling. 

“Don’t be silly” she says, making a little ball of the tissue. “I just told you I wish I could but my heart is shut down”

“I don’t know. You’re feeling compassion and sympathy towards him. Those are feelings that come from the heart. You might not be as shut down as you think you are” she frowned at your comment.

“Oh, its not- Hey!” she said, and you turned around to see who had walked over to you from behind, only to find Saeran standing there. “This is a friend” she said, pointing at you.

“Hello” you say, your voice shaky. 

“Hey, I’m Saeran” he said, standing by the back of your chair.

“I’m… MC”  you said as you stared at him. He turned his head sideways and furrowed his brow, as if trying to understand a different language. 

“MC?”

“Yes” you say, giving him your most innocent smile.

“MC” he said again.

“Yes” you repeated.

He stared at you intensely, as if trying to look at your soul through your eyes. You wondered if he’d ask you something that would force you to confirm whatever his suspicions were. 

“Zen’s MC?” he asked, and that you did not expect. If you said yes, he would know it was you. If you said no… could you really say no? Could you deny Zen?

“Yes” you said, your words almost a whisper. Perhaps it was just time that he knew you were here. 

“I see” he said. His exterior calm and controlled. “Daria, do you mind if we go for a walk?”

“Uhm, yeah of course” she said, a bit wide eyed. You looked at her with a look of  _ I don’t know  _ but she headed out with Saeran anyways. You stayed sitting there, as if you had not just told the guy who had kidnapped you who you were. You looked out the window and soon enough you spotted Saeran and Daria walking through the garden. She nodded yes to a few of his comments and you could see him talking more than he normally did. When you had stared at them through the window she had led most of the conversation. You saw him hug her and she let him, but she did not hug him back. Not at first. After a few seconds, she gently placed her hands in his arms. They continued to talk after and you hated to admit it, but your own mind wandered off into other things and you lost sight of them. 

About half an hour later, Saeran went back into the common room alone and sat across from you. 

“So… I am sure you have questions for me” he said.

“Yes…” you said, after taking a deep breath.

“Why did you not approach me before if you knew it was me?” he asked.

“You drugged me and kidnapped me. I wasn’t enthusiastic about approaching you” you said, looking away from him. Your tone was quiet but matter-of-fact.

“Did you tell her… that?” he asked.

“No, but I told her that I thought you might be stalking me and that’s why you were here”

“I see.” he said, looking down. “I am here because of you. Not here in this place, but rather here in this… plane of existence” 

“How did you get here?” you asked him.

“I’m not quite sure. I took too much of the elixir perhaps or the recipe wasn’t right.”

“What do you mean?” 

“Listen, you disappeared, okay?” he said, as if trying to explain. “I took you and you disappeared. I gave you the elixir, very little of it, and diluted, and you disappeared. I thought… I thought the elixir finally worked and maybe it had taken you to paradise and if I could be there with you I would not have to compete with Zen anymore” 

“That’s not…” you started to say but he interrupted you.

“I know what I did was wrong. I took you from the person you loved because I wanted you to love me instead… I thought if you just gave me a chance you could love me. I made you for me”

“Listen, Saeran, I don’t-”

“Wait, let me finish” he insisted. You stayed quiet again and waved at him to continue. “After being here I realize there is no paradise and no one is made for one person. I don’t know where we are and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get back… but I’m not sure I want to. I think… I think I might have found my own paradise” he said, his eyes darting out of the window and to the garden. You followed his eyes and looked out of the window again, only to find Daria curled up under a tree. “I was wrong to think that was you and that I had some sort of right to have you. I’m sorry.”  he said, looking back at you.

“Listen, Saeran, I… I appreciate the apology. I accept your apology, even. But I still think you need help and this might just be the right place for you.” His eyes darted towards the girl sitting under the tree in the garden. You couldn’t help but wonder that you had put her in this position by pushing her to talk to him. Was he just clinging onto the first person who had shown him some kindness? Maybe. Or maybe Daria was just the kind of person he needed and he was what she needed. You wanted to tell him it was too soon and that he shouldn’t be so attached to her so quickly, but who were you to judge? You had fallen for Zen is just as many days and it hadn’t even been real interaction, like what they had. “Have you been back?” you asked, scared of his answer. 

“Back?” 

“To your plane” you asked. “Have you slept at all?”

“Uh… I have slept but I haven’t been back” he said “why?”

“When I go to the other dimension I am sort of sleeping in this one” you tell him. “I don’t know how to get back”

“So how do you go back and forth?” he asked.

“I have no idea. I just know sometimes I fall asleep and I’m there” you admit

“So you have no control over how you go there?” he asked “Maybe… maybe if I make you some elixir you can go back”

“I’ve never been able to sleep there and wake up there” you say. “Whenever I fall asleep there I return. If you make me the elixir, you think I’ll be able to stay there longer?” 

“It’s possible but I… I don’t think I can go back” he said

“Why not?”

“Because I’m... pretty sure I died.” 

  
  


That night, you thought about Saeran’s words. Had he really died in his dimension and that’s why he was here for good? Was that a side effect of ‘traveling’ with the elixir? You thought about Zen as you rolled to your side on the bed and hoped he was doing alright. That his play was alright. That Seven was alright… you hated not knowing. You couldn’t help it as an overwhelming need to vent and cry took over you in the darkness of your room. As you curled up into a ball you wondered if they knew that Saeran was here. If he had died in the other dimension… did they just think he was dead? Was Saeyoung handling it well? You closed your eyes and clutched yourself in your bed as you slowly drifted into sleep. 

The next morning, a nurse came into your room to draw some blood work. She said it was routine  and they wanted to check some of your levels. That afternoon Daria approached you to say goodbye and begged you to keep an eye on Saeran. 

“He’s… he’s fragile. Just keep an eye on him please” she beckoned you. You agreed and later watched them from the window say goodbye. He had very gently kissed her cheek before she walked away and hugged an older woman - you assumed her mother but weren’t sure. 

“MC?” a nurse said, as she approached you. “The psychiatrist would like to see you” 

She took you to a small office in which the doctor sat behind a desk. He asked you questions about your eating habits, sleep patterns, and mood swings. You told you you had cried the night before and you’d had some bleeding - too little to be your period but noticeable nonetheless. He made a note of it. He told you your pregnancy hormone was still higher than normal but they expected to see that. He asked you if you still believed you were pregnant and you said no. He asked you if you were taking your medications and you said yes.

“But see, the levels of the medication you’re supposed to be taking are not there at all.” he said, showing you your lab results. “You’re a smart girl. Why aren’t you taking the medication?”

That was it. You finally got caught. 

“I just… I think I am doing ok. I don’t think I need it” you say, trying to sound coherent when your hands were shaking.

“I can’t even begin to explain to you the problem of a psychiatric patient in a mental care facility not taking their medication because they think they’re fine without it. Does that sound good to you?”

“But I really am feeling better. I haven’t had any episodes. I lived without those medications my entire life”

“You need this medication to prevent those episodes. You don’t react to benzos the way most people do. There is no way to pull you out of those catatonic episodes. We’re just going to have to give you the medication IV” 

“What?”

“We’ll just do an infusion of the medication while you’re here and then if we see you’re being compliant by the time you leave we’ll order some IM shots you’ll have to have by your doctor’s office. I’m going to recommend you stay here for at least another month until we see how you’re doing.” 

“No. No please. I… I don’t want to stay here and I don’t want to take this medication. I don’t need it. I am doing fine without it” you try to say in a coherent voice but you knew you were not doing a good job at it. Your voice was panicky and your hands were shaky. 

“That’s the end of the discussion. Please go back to your room and they’ll give you your medication there”

“No, no, please.” you pleaded, but the nurse came over and grabbed your arm, helping you out of the chair. 

“Come now sweetie, we don’t want you to have those episodes, you need to take your medication.”

“No, I can’t, I can’t take this medication. Please” you begged, as she walked you out of the doctor’s office. You couldn’t help but begin to cry as she led you to your room and advised you to wait there. 

“Here, I’ll give you something for the nerves” she said “it’ll make you feel less anxious about taking the medication.” 

“No, I don’t want even more medication, please” you begged. 

“Well, then you’re just going to have to let me do the IV on you” 

“No, please, please”

“Doctor’s orders honey. Please don’t be difficult or we’ll have to sedate you before doing the IV” 

“I can’t, no, please. Don’t give me the medication. I won’t have an episode, I know I won’t. Or just give me the pills again, I’ll take the pills, please” you begged, crying, but the nurse wouldn’t budge - it was her job to ultimately follow the doctors orders and you knew she couldn’t do much about it. In the end, you let her put the IV in your arm despite your attempts and she pushed the medication in. You felt your heart break - was this medication going to keep you from returning to the other dimension? Was your baby going to be okay with these meds?. 

When she was done giving you the medication, you laid on your bed, exhausted. Exhausted from crying, from pleading, from being stuck in this place, missing Zen, and everything that had been accumulating in your mind. It just wasn’t what you expected your life would be like. Being with Zen had been more wonderful than anything you could have imagined but at the same time it had come with complications that you could have never foreseen. 

You passed out eventually. You had developed a pounding headache from crying which you hoped would improved if you slept but still, you weren’t able to control when you eventually passed out. 

You woke up in the middle of the night, sweating. You felt you were asphyxiating in your clothes and felt like you hadn’t drank any water in years. You felt nauseous immediately after waking up and crawled out of the bed in the dark to the restroom. But the walls seemed oddly farther away from the end of your bed for some reason. You were dizzy, lightheaded, and completely disoriented. You eventually found the bathroom and hurled over to throw up. You felt an intense cramp from your lower abdomen and found blood between your legs.  _ No. no. no, please.  _ You crawled to the wall from the toilet and used it as support when you stood up. You found the light switch and hit it but nothing happened. You hit it on and off again but the lights wouldn’t come on. You opened the water faucet and no water came out.  _ What is happening?.  _ You walked outside the bathroom and looked around - this wasn’t your bedroom in the mental health facility. This was… this was the room at magenta. Your eyes opened wide, trying to adjust to the lack of light. It was nighttime and the curtains were closed. You walked to the window and open them to let the moonlight in. It didn’t make a big difference but at least you could see around.  _ Where you alone?  _ Another sharp pang on your lower abdomen made you bend over.  _ No, please.  _ You looked for your phone, a phone, anything, but found nothing.  _ How were you going to get out of here? _ You walked out to the hallway and yelled out.

“Anyone out here? Please” you yelled out again, breathing heavy as you held onto the doorway frame. You ventured out slowly and yelled out again for someone but no one showed up.  _ Fuck, fuck, fuck.  _ You had no idea what the address to this place was even if you found a phone and you knew you were out in the middle of nowhere. You walked down the hallway with your arm around your abdomen, as if it would do anything to alleviate the pain… but it didn’t, 

“Help” you yelled out again before collapsing to your knees. You started to panic - what if no one found you, would you have to venture that forest by yourself until you found someone? You stood up again and found a staircase. Carefully you made your way down and found some yellow “do not cross” police tape on the main door.  _ Saeran said he died. Are they investigating his death?  _ You yelled out one more time into the huge house without getting a response. You tore through the yellow tape and stepped outside the magenta. 

The wind was cool and the night was clear enough outside that you were able to see without any lights. You yelled out again outside and walked towards the only discernible path that lead away from the mansion. You were stumbling from the dizziness and the pain almost made your vision blurry but you did your best to avoid falling. You saw a car parked behind some trees and walked towards it, still watching your steps as carefully as you could. From afar you were able to see there was someone in the car, lying down, likely sleeping, on the passenger side of the vehicle. You knocked on the window until the person woke up - a matted mess of blonde hair and bags under his eyes.

“Yoosung!” you almost screamed in relief. 

“MC?” he said, with a groggy voice until he realized it was you. “MC!” he said, as he regained more consciousness. 

“Yoosung, please. You have to take me to a hospital. Now.” you begged him, relief washing over you.

“What? What happened? Are you okay?” he said, stepping out of the car.

“Just… hospital, please. I’m so glad you’re here. Why are you here?” you asked, leaning against the side of the car while he opened the passenger seat door for you. 

“I was waiting for you. Zen had been staying out here until we talked him into letting us take turns until you came back. He was reluctant at first but he finally agreed when he had to go to rehearsals.” he said, as he helped you buckle on your seatbelt. You laid on the passenger seat and rested your head on the back. You felt like everything was spinning. 

“Is Zen on a play today?” you ask, trying your hardest to stay awake. Yoosung had started the car and was effectively driving away from magenta. 

“He is on a play, yes. He should be out now actually. Let me call him.” 

“Please” you begged him. 

He dialed the phone in the car but Zen didn’t pick up. 

“He’ll call back eventually. He’s usually hyperaware of us when we’re covering for him out here”

“That sounds just like him” you say, taking deep breaths to avoid the nausea.

“We’ll get to the hospital in a few minutes MC” Yoosung said, driving faster. You could only assume you seemed sickly and you couldn’t tell if Yoosung had noticed your bleeding. When you arrived at the hospital, Yoosung excused himself to call Zen again. As soon as you saw the doctor you thanked your stars it was a woman. You explained what you were feeling and mentioned the bleeding. She ordered an ultrasound and blood work. A few minutes later, Yoosung came back saying Zen was on his way here and should be there shortly. A tech showed up to take you to ultrasound and you told Yoosung you’d see him in a few minutes. 

“There’s still a heartbeat Miss” the tech said, showing you the screen of the ultrasound. “There isn’t a lot of bleeding either but I understand you were feeling scared” he said. You finally felt like you could breathe again. “That’s not to say that you’re out of the woods, but I’ll let the doctor talk to you about the rest”

You nodded profusely but couldn’t help feeling like you could finally relax, at least for now. Like Yoosung said, a few minutes later, Zen finally arrived. He saw you and rushed to your side, climbing onto the side of the bed you were in and holding you against to his chest. You could tell he had been frantic on his way here. 

“I’m fine. I’m fine. We’re fine” you say, trying to calm him down. 

“Princess…” he managed to say, but it was as if he was at a loss for words. 

“We’re fine. We’re fine” you kept repeating, trying to convince him. Trying to convince yourself.

“I’m gonna step outside for a few” said Yoosung. You thanked him again before he found his way out and left you alone with Zen. Zen managed to lay in the bed next to you and protectively put his arms around you. He smelled of that citrus aroma that you had grown to love and expect from him. It was the most amazing scent. He had buried his nose in your hair and you wondered if you were as intoxicating to him as he was to you. You couldn’t imagine that that was the case. 

“So much has happened since the last time you were here” Zen said

“Tell me” you reply

“Saeran is dead. He took too much of that elixir and… well, Luciel is taking it very hard”

“He’s not dead. He is in my dimension now.” you add. “Is Ember still here?”

“What?” Zen asks. “Yes, I met Ember, but I’m sorry, what?”

“Yeah… Saeran is in my dimension now” you tell him. “I am not sure how but he is there... seemingly permanently”  Zen was quiet for a few minutes until he asked you.

“If I take that elixir and die, would I be in your dimension permanently?”


	21. I’m Always By Your Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the crazy long wait for this chapter. I wanted to do a nicer chapter for Zen's birthday, but ultimately ended up rewriting most of it and that's why it took so long and missed the deadline I gave myself for it.
> 
> Please, please, please read Selfish here https://archiveofourown.org/works/13518267. This has become officially a canon collaboration. You will be missing out on things if you don't read it and you won't understand certain things (like who Ember is).
> 
> Also, I've decided on an official theme song for this fic lol. It couldn't be more perfect: https://youtu.be/8ZwCu8u0bzA seriously look at the lyrics.
> 
> If you want to tune in for updates/random chatter/music/Zen fanart join my discord at https://discord.gg/gfRQvpw

Almost 4 hours later, the hospital discharged you with a diagnosis of  _ threatened abortion.  _ The ER doctor told you that some bleeding could be normal and that at this time there wasn’t much that the ER could do. They recommended that you had plenty of rest, followed up with your OBGYN, returned to the ER if you had any more bleeding or pain, and just like that they sent you on your way. It felt like an incredible waste of your time with Zen but at least you knew your child was still safe. Zen laid on the bed with you the entire time he was there, telling you about how the play had kicked off, told you about the police investigation on Magenta, how Luciel was struggling now that Saeran was gone and how amazing Ember had been taking care of him. You told him about your experience at the mental institution and he was eerily quiet. 

“This wouldn’t be a problem if I was there” he said, caressing your cheek. He was right - you wouldn’t be forcing yourself to stay in this dimension if Zen was in your world. But what if it didn’t work? What if he just... died? The thought was too horrible to even contemplate so you changed the subjected and asked him about his play. He understood the hint and switched topic, happily telling you about the box office record that they had broken last week. A little while later, you were heading to his apartment. 

Yoosung had gone back to his dorm but had been kind enough to leave you the car. To Zen’s relief, Yoosung declined taking his motorcycle and took a cab instead. On the way to Zen’s apartment, you read the paperwork the hospital gave you. The bleeding had stopped, but you couldn’t help but feel that neither the doctors or yourself had done enough about it. The IV medications they were giving you in your dimension had to have something to do with this. You felt overwhelmed by the amount of situations you were currently dealing with and this made for a silent ride home. Despite this, Zen held your hand for most of the ride. 

Once you got to his apartment, you sat on the couch and held your head in your hands, hiding your face. 

“You can’t do it” you tell Zen, after thinking about it. “It’s just not an option”

“Why not? It seems the most feasible solution” he said, sitting next to you. “That way you’re not traveling here to see me, and-”

“I’m not pregnant in the other dimension” you said as you wrapped your arms around your stomach. “Besides, we don’t know that just dying here will land you in my dimension. You’ve never been there. What if you end up somewhere else? Or worse, what if you just die? I can’t - I couldn’t deal with it”

“I would do it if it meant I could be with you, always.” he said, taking your hand and holding it in both of his. “It kills me to see you suffer like this. You’re spending more time in agony there than you are here with me. This can’t go on forever” 

“But it is a safer option than risking everything for something that we’re not even sure how it works”

“I’ll just do what Saer-”

“Stop, just stop Zen. This is not going to happen. If you died and I couldn’t find you, I would… I would…”  _ I would turn into Daria.  _ “I wouldn’t survive knowing you are dead. I can’t go back to my old life now, a life without you” your voice barely louder than a whisper. You took a deep breath before continuing. “Maybe I need to talk to Ember to see if she has more answers than I do, to see how often she is coming here and how”

Zen looked at the floor and closed his eyes. “She hasn’t left” he said, almost indiscernibly. 

“What?” you gasped. “This whole time?”

Zen turned to look at you slowly. His crimson eyes a deeper shade than you had seen them before. “If she is dead in your dimension, you’re not allowed to even think about it” he said, but your mind was already racing. “MC” he said, but you didn’t respond. When was the last time you talked to Ember in your dimension? All you could remember was that the last time you saw her she had been in Magenta. “MC, please, look at me” he said, grabbing you by the chin and turning his head towards you, forcing you to look him in the eye. “If Ember died in your dimension, you are not allowed to try the same thing. Promise me”

“But-” you tried to argue. 

“Promise me, MC” he said. His tone was firm and serious. You had never heard him talk to anyone like that, let alone you. His eyes were deep and commanding and they pierced right through any will you had to go against his wishes. 

“Zen… ” 

“NO” he said again, and you knew this wasn’t up for debate. He would never let you try this. 

“I still want to talk to her” you say, moving your head away from him. 

“I’ll call her” he said, pulling his phone out. “I probably should have called them already to tell them you’re here.” He said, while he waited for someone to answer. 

“Ember, hi” he said, looking at you while he spoke. You motioned at him, urging him to give you the phone. “Yeah, yeah. She’s fine. The baby is fine. Let me put her on”. He said, handing you the phone. “It looks like Yoosung beat me to it”

“Em” you said, almost snatching the phone out of Zen’s hand. 

“MC, you’re back! I was starting to worry you weren’t going to come back. Are you alright? Are you out of the hospital already? Is the baby alright?” you heard Ember say over the phone. 

“Yes. Yes I’m okay. The doctors said I’m okay. The baby is still okay” 

“I was so worried” Ember said. “I’m just glad you’re okay.” 

“How are you?” you asked.

“I’m… I’m alright. I’ve been taking care of Saeyoung since… did Zen tell you what happened?”

“Yeah… Zen told me” you say. You had wanted to tell them that Saeran was alive, that he was in another dimension, that he was getting treatment and he might have even found someone… but right before the words left your mouth you hesitated - how do you tell someone when they are grieving that their loved one is alive but they won’t see them again? If you told Ember now, she would have to tell Seven… and just as you were considering ending your life to stay in this dimension with Zen, the likelihood that Luciel would try to do the same thing to find Saeran was terrifying. “I’d like to see you, both you and Saeyoung. Do you think you can come over?”

“Oh, yes, I’m sure we can head over there in a few. Let me just tell Saeyoung and we’ll head right on over. I can’t wait to see you, MC”

“I can’t wait to see you either, Em” you said, hanging up the phone. You looked over to Zen who simply stared at you.

“Why didn’t you tell them about Saeran?” he asked.

“I don’t want Saeyoung to think he can just… do the same thing Saeran did and be in the other dimension. What if he fails? I have to… tread carefully with this information. I need to know Saeyoung has enough attachment here to not go after his brother.”

“I see…” Zen said. “You’re right. It’s not an easy situation. I’ll let you figure out how to handle that. For that matter, why didn’t you tell me about Saeran before? If I had known, I would have taken better care of you. I wouldn’t have left you alone. He wouldn’t have tricked you into his car and… well, things may have been different. Why did you keep this from me?”

“Zen...  I wanted to tell you but Luciel asked me not to. After all, none of you know his background, he is very secretive and he has his reasons. This was his secret to keep, not mine. I wouldn’t keep anything from you but… Luciel wanted to help his brother and then introduce him to the RFA once he was ready. He didn’t want you guys to meet him unstable and… messy. He wanted you all to accept him and like him for who he is. Despite what he did to me, Saeran is a nice guy, but he is troubled and needs help. I understand Luciel’s reasons.”

“I see…” Zen said, pulling you into his arms as he sat on the couch with you. He caressed your hair gently and drew circles on what was exposed of your skin - your arms, your neckline. “He didn’t touch you, did he?” 

“No, he didn’t.” you say, surrendering into his arms.

“Are you afraid of him in your dimension?” he asked, interlacing one of his hands with yours. 

‘ No. Well, at first I might have been but he didn’t know it was me then. Since… we’ll, we talked a little. I think he’s finally understood that my heart belongs to you and you alone. I think he thought he’d made me for him and felt… entitled to me. But now he knows better, thanks to Daria.”

“Who is Daria?” 

“A girl I met at the hospital. She was getting treatment at the same place I was in. She’s a lovely girl with a broken heart” you say, thinking about her. You imagined going through what she went through and you knew your heart would be in the same place. 

“The only thing that heals a broken heart is time” Zen said “And even then the scars stay with you forever.” 

You laid on the couch cuddling Zen for the next hour or so. He lifted your top and drew circles on your stomach with his fingers. He feigned talking to your child as he addressed your bellybutton with the sweetest things a father could say to his unborn baby. He referred to it as a girl and described her to you -  _ she just looks like me Princess, she’s beautiful.  _ He had said, smiling. You laughed. He blew a raspberry on your neck and gently tickled you, forcing you try and wiggle your way out of his arms - not likely. He was built like a rock and he was much bigger and taller than you, you could never escape his grasp - and you didn’t want to. He laid a kiss on your lips and you savored him, his citric, masculine scent and the softness of his hair when you ran your fingers through it. Kissing him was like nothing you had ever felt before - it completed a part of you you never knew was missing until you found him. You couldn’t let him go. You could never let him go. 

“I wish I had more,” he said. “More time with you, more of your kisses, more of your smile, your eyes, your voice, it's just… I miss you all the time. Everything I do I do thinking of you.  _ Would she like this? Would she want that? _ I wonder if you’re eating well, if you’re still nauseous when you smell food, if you’re sleeping okay at night… this is what my life has come to every second of every day but for this - just this one hour with you I would spend a lifetime waiting,”

“Zen…” 

“That’s why you can’t do that. I can spend a lifetime waiting for you if I know you’ll come back to me but I couldn’t spend a lifetime knowing I’ll never see you again. You can’t risk it. The gamble is too great.”

“I… I get it” you said, without many other words. It was as simple as that, and the same reason that you wouldn’t let him attempt the same thing.

At that moment, there was a knock on the door. Zen got up, looked through the peephole, and opened the door. Ember rushed in, said hi to Zen, and went straight in your direction to give you a hug. You saw Seven quietly come through the door afterwards. 

“MC, what took you so long? It’s been a month!” Ember said.

“I can’t control when I come here” you said, plainly put. Ember made a face that said  _ fair enough  _ and embraced you again. 

“I’m so glad you’re here and you’re okay” she said, holding onto your hand. 

“Me too” you add, happy to see your friend here. “Hey Luciel” you say, waving at the redhead. You couldn’t help but notice his hair was much, much shorter than before and perhaps even slightly uneven. “That’s... a new look” you say, pointing at the general location of your own hair.

“Yeah… I decided to cut it” Luciel say, running his hand through it, mindlessly. “Wanted a new look”

“Luciel, listen… I’m… I’m sorry about what happened” you say, walking over to him to offer him a hug. He took you in his arms but his embrace felt almost stiff - you wondered if it was because Zen was standing right next to the both of you. Despite whatever awkwardness might have been between you, you heard him whisper  _ I’m sorry.  _ It was a small thing but you knew the meaning behind it ran deep - He wasn’t just apologizing for Saeran kidnapping you, he was apologizing for his failure at saving him. You let go of him and rubbed his arm - there was so much you wanted to say to him but you really wanted to talk to Ember first. His reaction to the news you had to share frightened you. 

“Zenny… uh… why don’t you go with Luciel to get us something to eat?” you ask - a shameless ploy to get Zen and Luciel out of the apartment and get some time alone with Ember. Zen’s eyes narrowed - he could see through your ploy but ultimately he agreed to go get some food with Luciel. He grabbed him by the shoulders and dragged him out of the apartment. You wasted no time. You turned to Ember right away and just burst with the knowledge that had been gnawing at you from the moment you came back. 

“Saeran is alive.” You blurt out. You saw Ember’s eyes widen in shock as she sat on the couch, dumbfounded. 

“He… what? But he...” she stuttered. 

“He’s alive. I don’t know how. He said he took too much of the elixir and woke up there”

“But I saw his body MC” Ember added. “I saw him.”

“I’m telling you he is alive… and he’s actually doing okay. He is getting treatment and… well, I think he might have found someone he cares about…”

“That’s… that’s good to hear.”

“I don’t know if we should tell Saeyoung about it” you say, sitting next to Ember on the couch. “How has he been about Saeran’s death? Zen tells me he’s been having an onerous time of it. He doesn’t look too bad… despite the haircut.” 

“It’s been horrible MC… both for him and for me. I’m doing my best to keep him alive but one mistake and I... “ Ember said, her voice trembling. “I left the scissors in front of him. I was stupid and left the room and… what you see now is the best I could do to hide the damage he did to himself”

“I’m worried he’ll try to follow in Saeran’s footsteps to get to him” you tell her. “We don’t know that it’ll work. Rika, I understand, is dead, and I’ve never seen or heard of her in our world.”

“There’s also 7 billion people on earth”

“And Saeran ended up in the same psych ward I did… nothing is a coincidence” 

“Fair enough…” Ember said, resting her head on her hand. “Wait, why were you in the psych ward?” 

You took a deep breath and did your best to summarize what was going on with your health while you traveled to this dimension. You explained your diagnosis, how they were treating you, and everything else that had been happening to you.

“I see” Ember says, fidgeting with her fingers.

“Ember… how did you end up here… permanently?” you asked her, afraid of her answer. 

“I…  I don’t know. I went for a hike at the park and the creepy stalker found me and chased me down… I… I thought I might have a better chance of getting away if I jumped in the river… and then I woke up here” 

“And you haven’t gone back at all?” MC asked, perplexed. Ember shook her head no. There was an awkward silence - a silence that seemed to fill the room until MC broke it again. “Do you think you… died?”

“I… I don’t know. I don’t feel… I mean… I feel normal?”

“How are we here Ember? Have I just completely lost my mind? Am I just imagining everything?” you ask her, your voice full of confused anger. 

“I… I don’t think so MC. This is very real to me” Ember says.

‘Ember, we’re in a world where the characters of a dating game are real. I’m pregnant with Zen’s child. How is this even possible? Have you seen Zen? No one that looks like that has the right to be real.” you say and Ember couldn’t help but to smile. The absurdity of the situation coated everything with a surreal vibe. 

“I couldn’t believe I was here either when I first got here but… here I am and here you are”

“Here were are…” you say, looking down at your hands. Everything that seemed to overwhelmed you was better because your best friend was here. There was always something about her that seemed to soothe your nerves, even in the worst of times. “I’m really glad you’re here. It makes a world of difference for me. I know you’ve been taking care of Saeyoung but I know you’ve taken care of Zen too and… and I know that if this child make it and I’m not here, you will take care of her too” you say, your eyes filling with tears. You wiped them away and half-chuckled. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get emotional on you”

“It’s okay MC” Ember said, getting teary eyed as well. “You know I’m always here if you need me” she says. “And you know I’ll love that child with all my heart”

“I know” MC says. Wiping away more tears. “Oh god, I better stop crying before Zen gets here. I don’t want him to see me like this” you say, trying to compose yourself. You got up and grabbed a tissue and noticed Ember was absolutely quiet. 

“Em… are you alright?” 

“This has been really hard, MC.” Ember says. “Seeing Saeyoung suffer the loss of his brother is like looking at a mirror of my past. I understand his pain so well that it is hard for me to convince him to… keep living. I can keep him alive, but he isn’t living. How was it so easy for you to keep me going?”

“It wasn’t easy.” you tell her. “I just… I just tried my best to give you some normality and be there for you when you needed me… and I know that’s what you’re doing for Saeyoung. Eventually, he’ll find something that will make him want to stay here… with you” you say. Ember’s eyes dart in your direction. “I know you’ve always loved him. It must be killing you to see him like this”. Ember nods but no words leave her mouth. “You will know better than me when is the right time to tell him about Saeran” you say.

“Oh, no. no no no” Ember says. “I can’t. I can’t be the one to tell him. We haven’t developed that kind of relationship. He is so distant.”

“You have to” you say. “You’ve spent a month living with him and you love him. You know him better than I do. I trust your judgement more than mine”

“No, MC, please. I can’t” 

“You have to-” The doors opened and Zen walked in with a couple of bags of take out food, followed closely by Saeyoung. The smell was intoxicating and delicious - you had not realized how hungry you really were until the smell hit you. Your eyes shot in Ember’s direction but she knew to drop the subject now that the guys were back. Her eyes still pleaded with you but you knew this was for the best. She would be able to approach this with him better than you ever would. 

“We’re back” Zen said, stepping inside the apartment and putting the bags on the table. “Take-out from the best place in town. Sapporo.”

  
  


  
The four of you sat down to enjoy the meal together. Despite everything that was happening you all made an effort to avoid the subject. Saeyoung was mostly quiet but at least he appeared to be listening to the conversation. Zen had a fantastic way to help steer the conversation into lighter subjects - and you loved him for it. You could tell this was a much needed break for Ember as well, she must have been exhausted and overwhelmed taking care of Seven. You caught her looking in Luciel’s direction often, keeping an eye on him like a guardian angel… but when she was distracted by something Zen said and turned her eyes away, you caught Saeyoung staring back at her. It was only brief glances that, had you not been paying attention, you would have missed all together. Ember and Zen certainly hadn’t noticed them, but they were there. When Zen told a funny story about something that had happened during rehearsals, Ember laughed… and Luciel smiled looking at her, watching her being happy. He doesn’t even know it, but he is falling for her. 

A few hours later, Ember and Luciel said their goodbyes and headed back to his place. You had been here for at least 9 hours now and you worried they’d notice at the psychiatric hospital that you had been ‘sleeping’ for this long. You helped Zen clean out the food and leftovers. While he finished washing the dishes, you headed for his room and laid down on the bed. You knew he’d join you as soon as he was done. As you laid there you couldn’t help but be glad that Ember was here too. She had, much like you, fallen for someone who only existed in this reality. After everything she had been through, it was only fair that she would find otherworldly happiness. You closed your eyes and touched your abdomen, thinking about your baby - was Zen right? Was it a girl?  _ A girl that looked like him _ . You imagined him as a father and immediately knew the role would suit him. You remembered the sparkle in his eyes when he had seen the baby’s heartbeat on the ultrasound. If you went against Zen’s wishes and ended your life… would you harm the baby? You could wait until it was born before trying anything… 

“Princess?” he said, walking into the room and snapping you right out of your thoughts. “Are you alright?”

“I need to go back” you say, sitting up on the bed. “If I don’t go back soon, they’ll notice and give me more medication. I don’t want these meds. They’re not good for… for her” 

Zen gave you an understanding nod and walked out of the room. You heard him shuffle in the bathroom for a minute and when he returned he was only wearing a pair of loose shorts. He laid on the bed behind you and wrapped his arms around you, pulling you close to his body.

“ I know that the feelings we have towards each other can’t be trapped in any dimension.” he said, close to your ear. “My feelings for you have gotten so big I’m not sure I understand them anymore. It’s like everything's better when you’re around. I feel complete.”

“I feel the same way” you say, turning around in his arms to face him. You laid a kiss on his lips - a loving kiss, a kiss that said  _ you’re everything I want and more _ . A kiss that was a testament of your love for each other, the evidence of a relationship that transcended all logical explanations of time, space, and sanity. And yet, it was nothing more than a kiss. This was the scope of your love for him. A love that had turned your life upside down. A love you would do anything for… even dying. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment below with your thoughts! I love to hear from you! And tell me if my grammar/spelling is on point or not, I will fix these mistakes! Give me all your constructive criticism.
> 
> Also, there's kind of an easter egg in this chapter. Can you figure it out?


	22. I'll Be Waiting Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longest chapter yet. A lot of stuff is happening. Make sure you're reading Selfish https://archiveofourown.org/works/13518267 or you're going to get lost.  
> Also, feel free to come into the discord https://discord.gg/gfRQvpw to talk or... I don't know, threaten to kill me after you read this chapter.

“She’s waking up now, doctor” you hear a nurse say before you even open your eyes. When you finally come to, you see an array of nurses and a doctor around you, monitoring your vital signs, and an IV already in your arm.  _ They noticed.  _ You try to sit up but the room is spinning and the nausea hits you hard. You slouch back onto the bed.  

“What’s going on?” you ask, though you knew they were probably trying to wake you. You hoped they had not been trying for very long. 

“Give her a dose of Flumazenil” the doctor says to the nurse. “You were having an episode” he says to you, and you see him direct the nurse to push the medication onto your IV. 

“Stop please, I don’t want any more medications” you say, though you weren’t sure they were able to understand you. Your speech felt slurred, as if they had given you a very strong sedative. 

“We’re trying to help you wake up honey” you hear the nurse say while she took the syringe out of your IV. 

“I’m awake” you say, but your voice seemed weak. What was going on? You’d woken up nauseous and dizzy before but you felt sedated. “What… what did you give me?” you manage to ask.

“We gave you benzodiazepines to wake you and now we’re giving you some flumazenil to treat the high dose of the benzo”

“I think we can call off the ambulance, she seems to be coming back to us.” the doctor said,

“Ambulance?” you ask, weakly.

“Don’t worry honey” the nurse said. “We’re taking care of everything”

You fought to stay awake but whatever they had given you was winning the battle of your alertness. In the end, you felt your consciousness slowly slip away. 

  
  
  


Someone continued to wake you every few minutes, but fortunately they let you sleep for the most part. You weren’t sure how much time had passed when you finally regained consciousness in a significant way, or at least enough to get you to stand up and use the restroom. Aside from being a little dizzy, you felt back to normal. Whatever they had given you was no longer sedating you to the point of inducing sleep. A nurse brought you some food and something to drink. It didn’t look entirely appetizing, but once you began eating you realized how hungry you really were. 

“What happened to me?” you asked the nurse, as you took a bite of the fruit they’d given you.

“You had an episode. We were trying to wake you for about 20 minutes before you came to.” she said. “We had already called the ambulance and everything. Lucky you came when you did, otherwise we’d have sent you to the hospital again” she said. 

“I felt really… groggy before. I remember someone putting something in my IV” you say.

“Yes, Benzos. Wonderful little drug. Keeps people calm, relaxes you, and snaps people from catatonic episodes. You’re a tough one though, most people react to benzos in a minute or two - we were giving you benzos for almost 20 minutes before you came back to us.”

“What did you give me after?” you ask, trying to remember the names of these drugs. You knew it would be a losing battle, but if you could look them up later it may prepare you for what problems it could cause in your pregnancy. You felt it was the least you could do.

“We gave you something to reduce the effect of the benzos since we had given you such a high dose trying to wake you up.” she said, not giving you a name. You’d just try and get your records later, if you had a chance.

“So… what does this mean for me?” you ask, putting the now empty food tray aside. “Am I going to have to stay here longer?” 

“Well let’s see…” she says, stepping outside and rolling a computer on wheels into the room. “Your inpatient goal was to be free of any catatonic episodes while on a controlled medication. Ideally this would have been managed in a couple of weeks but… ah, since you stopped your medication without notifying us we had to start giving you IV meds… and then you had an episode, albeit shorter than previously recorded in your chart…” the nurse says, looking at the computer screen. “I’d say you can expect to be here for at least another month, give or take.” 

“Another month?”  _ of IV medications? _

“Most likely. If you have another episode it could be longer or at that point we may have to transfer you to another facility that is better equipped to handle cases like yours”

“Oh god…” you say, covering your face with your hands.  _ What did I get myself into.  _

 

The next day, they finally let you out of your room and you weren’t constantly monitored. You looked for Daria but quickly enough remembered she had been discharged. When you distracted yourself by looking out of the window, a familiar face sat in the loveseat across from you. 

“MC” Saeran said, looking in your direction.

“Saeran” you said, acknowledging him. “Did you know you died in your… world?”

He was silent as he stared out of the window. 

“I thought that might have been the case” he said, holding his hands together. 

“Is that what you intended to do when you took the elixir? Die? Or did you know you’d end up here?” you ask him.

“I… I knew there was a chance I might end up here.” he said “It had never happened for me before. I… honestly thought it was more likely I’d just die. The elixir always made me really sick but I always felt so… lost and confused when I didn’t take it. When I took the elixir I felt I had...” he looked for a word to describe what he felt but in the end he just settled with “guidance.”

“Guidance?”

“Rika always told me what to do and when I took the elixir I didn’t care about what I was doing, I just knew I made her happy by doing what she wanted.”

“You know that it was very wrong of her to do this to you” you say, putting your hand on his shoulder. “She tricked you and abused you. She was very sick, she needed help and didn’t get it” you say, looking into his eyes. He closed them and looked away in shame. He nodded in understanding but would not look back at you. 

“I’m sorry MC, stopping the elixir made me crazy. My thoughts weren’t… weren’t right. I’m sorry if I hurt you” Saeran says, still not meeting your eyes.

“I forgive you” you say, putting your hands back in your lap. “Actually, if you want to make it up to me, I could really use your help with something” 

“What’s that?” he asks, his eyes fixated on the floor. “I don’t think there’s much I can do for you from here”

“I need your help to make the elixir” you say. Your tone was determined, but your voice came out shaky. You knew you were going against Zen’s wishes and what he asked you to do… and perhaps you wouldn’t go through with it if you could find a different way to stay permanently with Zen… but you wanted to have the option available if you couldn’t find any other way.

“The elixir?” he says, turning to look at you. “I… I can try. I have most of the recipe memorized. I won’t be able to make it in here though.” he says, referring to them still being in the psych ward. 

“Have they said anything about when they’ll let you out?” you ask him.

“I think they’re trying to find some sort of record of me that doesn’t exist in this world” he says, sighing. “They think I’ve made up a persona and that’s why they can’t find me. I don’t know what they’ll do until they figure something out. I don’t suppose they’re going to keep me here forever” he said, leaning back into his chair. 

“Saeyoung made me paperwork“ you say, thinking back “he probably hacked into a government database or something and made me an ID” 

“I could probably do the same thing” Saeran said “but I don’t have access to a computer here. And I’ve seen the things they’re rolling around out here, they’re outdated, to say the least. I probably wouldn’t be able to access that kind of information here, even less do it before I get caught by someone”

“We have to figure out a way to get you out of here then”  you say, trying to think of a solution.

“What about you?” he asks.

“What about me?”

“If I leave and say… say I make a run for it, I won’t be able to come back, let alone with the elixir, to give it to you”

“Right…” you say, thinking more about it.

“Unless you left also.” he said. 

“It’s not that easy for me” you say, thinking about it. You had nothing with you here - no cellphone, no money, no credit cards - and you couldn’t go home to get them because your mother was staying at your place and if she found you she’d promptly return you here, which would make everything a lot worse. You didn’t really have any friends here that would cover for you either - your co-workers would think they’re helping you by turning you in so you could get treatment and Ember was… not here.

“Let me go make a phone call” you say, thinking of a possibility, a chance. You go up to the nurse and beg her to let you call your mother - you tell her how you weren’t able to talk to your friend on her birthday and you hadn’t heard from her so you wanted your mom to try and reach her for you. You beg so sweetly the nurse finally gives in and you quickly dial your mother.

“Mom” you say, nervousness rifling through you. 

“Honey, is something wrong? This isn’t your phone call time” you hear her say.

“Mom, have you talked to Ember recently?” 

“No, not recently. I left her a voicemail on her birthday but I haven’t heard from her, now that you mention it.”

“Have you kept my phone on? Has she tried to call me?”

“Oh your phone ran out of battery weeks ago and I couldn’t find  your charger. I called your office and gave them my number if you needed me. I’m actually surprised Ember hasn’t called back…”

“Mom, I think something bad happened to Ember. Please, check my phone, I’m her emergency contact.”

“Oh honey, you’re overreacting, I’m sure she’s just been busy and doesn’t know what’s going on”

“Mom, mom.” you say, getting infuriated by your mother’s dismissive words “Listen to me, it is not like Ember not to call me to check on me, she knew I was having some health problems… and worse, I hadn’t told you but Ember was going to move in with me a few weeks ago because some guy was stalking her. I’m really worried she hasn’t called you back.”

“Oh, well why didn’t you tell me this before?” 

“I… I don’t know, I’ve been kind of out of it lately. I think these meds are making me kind of… foggy” was the only excuse you could mutter - in reality, you knew where Ember was and it hadn’t occurred to you to tell your mother. Your mother loved Ember and the thought of causing her even more distress over her likely death broke your heart.

“I’ll call her right now honey. Where’s your phone charger so I can check if you have any voicemails?” 

“It’s behind my computer desk - you should be able to just see the cable sticking out next to my computer”

“Got it honey” your mother says. “I’ll call you back when I’ve tracked her down, alright? I’m sure she’s okay”

“Just find her, please” you tell her. You felt incredibly guilty sending your mother in this errand, but she’d have to find out sooner or later.

“Okay honey, I love you, bye bye”

“Love you too mom” you say, before hanging up the phone. You couldn’t help but feel completely heartless by asking your mother to do this. Worse, once she found out Ember was dead or maybe in a coma at some hospital, you’d try to use it as an excuse to get out of here… to get Saeran out of here, and potentially die yourself. You walked back to where Saeran was sitting and you sat across from him again. You couldn’t help but succumbing into tears. What had become of your life? Where you really stuck in a psych ward for psychosis, catatonic episodes, and a psychological pregnancy… planning a way to escape to end your existence in this world so you could be with the man you loved and your child… but leaving everything you knew behind and had worked hard to accomplish - your career, your mother, your life… 

“MC…” Saeran said, trying to comfort you but his words fell on silent ears. You were too wrapped up in the consequences your decisions had led you to. If you had never played Mystic Messenger, if you had never called Zen, if you had never… but you knew, deep down, that the love you harbored for Zen and for your unborn baby were like nothing you had ever experienced and you’d give it all up for them. “... and Daria might be able to help” you heard Saeran continuing to say.

“I’m sorry, what?” you asked him while wiping away your tears, as you hadn’t paid any attention to what he said while you were crying. 

“I said Daria might be able to help. She has resources” Saeran said, offering you a tissue.

“What kind of resources?” you asked, your interest peaking while you blotted away at your face. 

“Her family has money” Saeran said. “She has money. She told me I could call her when I got out of here and she’d give me a place to stay. I’m sure she’d let you stay there too if you really need it”

“That’s… nice of her” you say, thinking that at least that option was available if you had to hide from your mother while you looked into how to make the elixir. Daria might even be sympathetic to your cause if you could get her to believe your story. 

You talked to Saeran for the rest of the day. He told you he knew all the ingredients to the elixir but he wasn’t sure of the quantities. He mentioned that happened last time but he wasn’t sure where he had made the mistake in the concoction that landed him here. He mentioned some herbs that you had heard about before and some you hadn’t. You really hoped you’d be able to find all of them- who knew if some of those ingredients didn’t exist on this dimension. Great, yet another thing to worry about. 

That night, you had difficulties going to bed. Your brain couldn’t stop thinking of the possibilities and the alternatives of trying to do this. What if you took the elixir and it hurt the baby? What if it didn’t work? What if you couldn’t get all the ingredients? Worse - what if you just died and didn’t cross over dimensions? 

It felt like hours before you were able to succumb to a restless sleep. Not long after, however,  you were woken by a knock on the door. The nurse walked in, followed closely by your mother. 

“Mom?” you say, sitting up on the bed. “What’s going on?”

“Oh honey…” your mother began, rushing over to the bed and sitting next to you, She embraced you immediately and you heard her sobbing on your shoulder.

“Mom, what happened?” You knew - this had to be about Ember.

“Ember is no longer with us” your mom said, without letting go of you. “The police found her body in a park by the river. She drowned. I’m so sorry honey, I’m sorry.” 

But you knew this. You had talked to her in the other dimension… and yet hearing your mother cry for your friend, even hearing your friend was dead, hurt much more than you expected. If you were never able to figure out how to return to the other dimension, you had lost your friend as well. So you cried, you cried in your mother’s arms, for the loss of your friend and for everything that was going on around you. Your urge to leave, your pain away from Zen, and even more, the idea of leaving your mother and your life behind. It was all incredibly overwhelming. 

Your mother tried to spare you the gruesome details of when they found Ember’s body. She told you it had been over a month since they found it. The police had managed to identify her but they didn’t know who to contact until about two weeks ago. By then, your phone had been off. They had cremated her since no one had claimed the body but your mother requested the ashes be sent to her. 

“I… I want to do something for her” you tell your mother. “I want to spread her ashes somewhere. Outside. She loved the outdoors”.

“Of course sweetie” your mother says. “I’ll keep the ashes at home for you and we’ll be waiting for you when you get out of here”.

And that was that. You just didn’t have the strength to fight it. You were so emotionally exhausted you couldn’t argue with your mother about wanting to leave the psych ward early. Besides, using Ember’s death as an excuse to leave just felt… wrong. In the end, your mother left you in your bed and the exhaustion dragged you back to sleep.

* * *

 

**Note: This scene takes place BEFORE AND DURING Chapter 10 of Selfish.**

 

Zen looked at the notes sprawled over his desk. V had contacted him out of the blue and asked him to keep some of these papers for him. He said it was some of the paperwork he’d found in Rika’s old apartment that he was finally putting up for sale. He hadn’t had the chance of going over them but they were very confidential and he didn’t want them laying around his house since he was going out of town for a while. Zen took the papers and didn’t think much of them first until curiosity got the better of him. Most of these things he wasn’t even sure what they were but while looking through them he spotted the mint eye logo. He had seen it sprawled all over the mansion where they had found Saeran. His interest peaked and eventually a copy of the elixir recipe came to light. 

The overall cost of these herbs and drugs was not very much - not for the dosage he figured he’d need. Obtaining the items was another thing all together. Some he’d be able to find at a regular supermarket but some others he might need to look online or even… in more discreet avenues. He had been forced to call back some of the members of his old gang to see about the whereabouts of some of these and found some resistance. He had left them long ago, and despite not having parted in bad ways, he wasn’t a part of the group anymore. Asking them to find some illegal substances for him was kind of a stretch. Thankfully, one of them had agreed to help with some. The rest, he’d have to figure out on his own. 

These were the moments he wished he was better with computers, no doubt Luciel would be able to find all of these in no time. He considered calling him and it wasn’t until he had answered that he realized it was a bad idea to ask him about this. He didn’t know if Ember had told him about Saeran yet and didn’t want to put him at risk of attempting what he himself had promised MC he wouldn’t do. Still, when Saeyoung answered the phone, he had to pretend he was calling for a reason.

“Hey, how have you been?” he asked, trying to make small chat while he thought of a reason for his call.

“Things are… alright” Luciel answered. 

“How’s Ember?”  _ come up with something, Zen.  _

“She’s… alright, I guess” Luciel answered.

“You guess?”

“I think she’s doing ok? She’s… she’s been taking care of me”

“Well, I know that.” Zen replied. “Are you treating her well?”

“I got her some food the other day” Luciel replied.

“That’s… a start, I suppose” Zen commented. “Is she going to officially move into your house now?”

“What do you mean?” Luciel asked.

“Well, she is not from here and everything she’s done is take care of you. Where else would she go?”

“Why would she go anywhere?” 

“Why would she stay? Are you treating her well?” Zen asked again.

“I… I don’t… I’m not treating her poorly, if that’s what you mean”

“You know she really cares about you, right?”

“I don’t know why, I’m just… lately...” Luciel started before he was cut off by Zen.

“Seven, if that girl is still taking care of you, she clearly likes you.”

“....”

“You do know that, right?” Zen asked. “You know she likes you”

“...”

“Luciel?” 

“Yeah… yeah” Seven answered.

“Just… try to like her. From the things MC has told me, she’s a lovely girl. You’ll never find someone like her again. Do not miss your chance”

“Is this why you called me?” Seven asked.

“Yep. Just to see how things were doing and offer some wise advice”

“Okay… well, I’m doing fine and… I’ll take your advice into consideration” Seven said, hanging up the phone shortly after. Zen took a deep breath, thanking the stars he hadn’t spilled anything about the elixir or the recipe. He had kept his word to MC to help keep Luciel from trying to cross over dimensions. And yet… his promise to her was wavering. He missed her. He missed her with every fiber of his being. He missed her smile, the sound of her voice, the softness of her skin. The way her eyes sparkled when she saw him and he knew she saw him. She could see past his beauty, past his perfection, past the exterior that shelled him from everyone around him. Since he’d had her the first time, she had become an emptiness nothing but her could satisfy.  _ I can’t go back to a life without you.  _ She had said. What if it didn’t work? What if she came back looking for him and couldn’t find him? He tossed the notes away, after he had spent hours trying to figure out where to get the ingredients for the elixir. He’s sleep on it and maybe… maybe MC would come back the next day. 

But she didn’t. She didn’t come back the day after. And the notes with the recipe were sitting on his counter. When he went grocery shopping, he’d pass by some of the herbs and remembered they were in the recipe. One time, he bought one of the ingredients but it sat in his refrigerator until the plant died and he had to toss it out. He tried his best to continue his life and his theater. The guys would invite him out but he’d just go back home and sit on the rooftop, looking for a shooting star to wish upon MC’s return to him. The night sky was beautiful and full of twinkling lights, but no shooting stars graced him with their magic to grant wishes. 

A week passed until he got a call from Ember about borrowing some of MC’s clothes. He agreed to let her borrowed whatever she wanted, knowing MC would let her borrow anything. He teased her about a date with Luciel, thinking that wouldn’t be the case, but her coyness proved his accusations to be true. A rollercoaster of emotions surged through him - jealousy that Ember was permanently here and not MC, happiness that Ember was doing well with Luciel, and relief that Luciel wasn’t comatose as he had been when first told of Saeran’s fate. He even felt a tinge of sadness that MC would not be here to share this moment with her friend. He needed to put a happy face on, he needed to be the supportive friend that MC would be for Ember. That’s what MC would want. She would want her friend’s happiness.

When Ember arrived to his apartment, he had already picked all the clothes out of the closet but too late he remembered some he had kept in bags under his bed - his closet didn’t fit everything he had purchased for MC. In the few minutes it took him to take the things out and walk out to meet her, she had found the notes on the elixir that still sat on his counter. He hadn’t even thought of putting them away, he hadn’t expected Ember to look through them. She yelled at him, just like he knew MC would if she had caught him trying to do this, and in his sadness he could only admit he had considered it. In the end, Ember took the notes and he didn’t stop her. He had taken a picture of the recipe with his phone, in case V came back for the files before he had a chance to try and make the elixir. In the end, he let her go with MC’s clothes and a request to send pictures of her date with Luciel. He knew it would make MC gleam with happiness to see her friend having a nice day out. He imagined her smiling from ear to ear looking at the pictures and he couldn’t help himself. He dialed Yoosung’s number.

“Yoosung, I have a favor to ask. Are you free to help me out with a little project?” Zen asked.

“Sure, I have a few days off before my next semester starts” Yoosung said. Zen could hear the sounds of LOLOL in the background. “What do you need help with?”

“Luciel is going on a date with Ember. I want to get some pictures for MC” 

“I’m so in” Yoosung said. “When is it?”

* * *

 

The day came and despite Zen’s reservations, they headed for the longcat exhibition at the local Zoo. Zen had wore dark sunglasses and a hat but soon enough regretted not borrowing one of the wigs from the theater. His long, silky silver hair caught people’s eyes so easily it was difficult to blend in. Not to mention, with the surge in popularity of his ongoing musical, he was getting spotted by fans more and more often. He braided his hair and shoved it into the hat but the result was not the most convincing. Yoosung was even worse, he looked comically out of a old detective movie, wearing a long trench coat, and sunglasses. They were going to get caught for sure. Eh, at least they’d have some fun doing it and hopefully still get some pictures for MC. 

“Woah” Yoosung sighed when he first spotted Ember at the Zoo with Luciel. “She looks… she looks amazing”

“Just take the pictures Yoosung” Zen said, trying to keep the boy on track. But he did have to admit, she looked much better wearing girly clothes when compared to what she wore every time they’d met her before. If he wasn’t mistaken, she was even wearing make up. It put a smile on his face - Ember was doing her best to gain Luciel’s affection and from the looks of him, it was working.

“Zen, we have to get a little closer if we want to get some better shots.” Yoosung said, pointing his camera at their general direction. 

“You go on ahead. I’ll circle around. I don’t want to die in the cat enclosure.” Zen said as he sent Yoosung on forward. Even walking near the enclosure had made his throat itch. Damn cat allergies! The worst part was that circling around meant going almost all the way around the Zoo and it took him the better part of 20 minutes to get back to where the longcat exhibit was. He stayed far away enough to still be able to breathe but he managed to get a couple of shots of Luciel and Ember in the audience. They weren’t great shots, but he wasn’t V. Yoosung spotted Zen a few minutes later and joined him behind a tree.

“I managed to grab some pics” Yoosung said, showing him what he had on his digital camera.

“Hey, those aren’t half bad” Zen said, looking at them. One of them had Luciel pulling Ember’s hand towards the exhibit and despite some blurriness here and there, the picture looked quite nice. Zen, on the other hand, would have to wait until he took the pictures to be revealed. He’d bought one of those disposable film cameras and wasn’t able to examine the shots to see if they were any good. 

“Zen, you should just take the pictures with your phone, they’re probably better quality than the disposable camera ones” Yoosung had pointed out.

“I like these little cameras!” Zen had said “Besides, I’m worried Luciel will hack into my phone”

“Your phone is too old to be hacked into” Yoosung said, nonchalantly. Zen shrugged.

“What can I say, I like what I like. Let’s go grab a beer, it is hot out” Zen said, pointing at a little stand. Yoosung agreed and ended up getting an ice cream as well.

A while later, the exhibit had finished. Zen knew Luciel and Ember had noticed them, especially when a fan girl had screamed Zen so loudly he was surprised he wasn’t swarmed by other fans. He’d tried to be discreet but that had not helped at all. Yoosung had a better time trying to chase after them and he hoped ultimately he’d be able to rely more on whatever photos he took.

When they headed towards the cars, Zen told Yoosung he’d follow on his motorcycle. With Luciel driving his sports cars, it was likely Yoosung wouldn’t be able to catch up in his car. Besides, he’d serve as a good distraction in case Luciel finally called them out. What was the most interesting, however, was that Luciel took Ember to Zen’s favorite ‘secret spot’. He made a mental note to bring MC here when she came back. Yoosung pointed at some bushes and they sneaked around behind them but it felt obvious that they were there. Specially when Yoosung jumped after spotting a spider. This triggered Luciel to walk over to where they were.

“Zen, Yoosung” he said, seemingly talking to the bushes. Zen dragged himself out of the bushes and finally took off the hat. His braided hair finally free of the stuffiness in there. “Can you give us some privacy, please. I’m sure by now you’ve had enough of whatever it is you’re trying to do”

“Yeaaah” Yoosung said, stretching out his legs. “I think we got about 100 pictures between the two of us”

“Probably” Zen said, stretching out his back. 

“Can you... if you don’t mind?” Luciel said, making a gesture with his hand that clearly meant make yourself sparse. 

“Come on Yoosung, we shouldn’t intrude anymore” Zen said, trying to be respectful of Luciel’s and Ember’s moment.

“Aww but the pictures would come out soooo good now, the sun is about to set” Yoosung whined.

“I’ll send you guys some pictures, just please, go” Luciel begged. It seemed the most polite way he’d ever ask them to do anything. Zen put his arm around Yoosung and walked over towards the car as Luciel walked back towards Ember. 

“Just go home Yoosung. Thanks for coming with me” Zen said, patting him on the back. “Send me the pictures when you get home.”

“Sure thing” Yoosung said. “Where’s your bike?”

“I parked it on top of the hill, I have to go get it” Zen said.

“Want me to give you a ride?”

“Nah, I’ll walk. It’s faster if I just cut through the grass” Zen said, pointing at an area where the slope wasn’t steep.

“Alright, I’ll see you later.” Yoosung said, hoping into his car and driving away.

Zen walked up the hill through the grass towards his motorcycle. He grabbed his helmet and threw one last look at the sunset setting. He took a second to unbraid his hair while the sun went down. A chill was starting to hit and he saw Luciel giving Ember his sweater. The view was perfect and now they really didn’t know he was there. He took his camera out for one last snap and it happened - they kissed. He snapped. 

Zen smiled, knowing these pictures would put a smile on MC’s face. He could just savour her happiness, her laughter, her joy. He wanted her to have all these things while he held her in his arms. 

 

* * *

  
  


The days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months. Yet time seemed to be at a standstill for you. The days were the same. Food, group therapy, and afternoon sitting by yourself, though sometimes Saeran would join you. On visiting days, your mother would come in and tell you stories of things that were happening outside of this place. Daria would come in to visit Saeran and sometimes she talked to you for a little bit, but your mother took most of your time.  The rest of the days, had become a mindless routine. You took up “meditation”, but in reality, it was nothing but a wall you put up to avoid talking to the rest of the people in the ward. All you did was sit there imagining Zen’s face when he looked at you. Remembering the best moments of your time with him, nothing but the happier memories you’d had of him. You also liked to imagine sometimes that Ember and Saeyoung were in love and that brought a smile to your face. 

Sadly, you had not returned to Zen’s dimension. They continued to give you the medication via IV and you figured if you wanted to be discharged you had to play by the rules. They switched you back to the oral medication after almost 3 weeks of IV treatment and no episodes. It felt like a little success. 

On a rainy afternoon, Saeran came to sit with you. 

“I’m getting out of here tomorrow” he said.

“What? How?” you asked. He had not said anything about leaving before.

“Daria managed to find someone to make me a Korean passport” he said, smiling. “Now they believe I am who I said I am all along”

“That’s great news” you say, impressed at Daria’s prowess. “Are you going to be staying with Daria when you get out?”

“Yes, I am. At least until I find a job and I can move out on my own.” He said, simply. “Find me when you get out. I’ll be looking into making the elixir for you, as much as I can”

“Thank you” you said, but your voice had felt like a whisper. You had ransacked your brain for a way, an idea, anything, that could make drinking the elixir not the best option… but you hadn’t thought of any. “If you can… if you can think of anything else that might help me… stay there”

“I’ll do some research” he said. “But I’ve been thinking about it and I just don’t know of any other way. I never even knew of anyone that had crossed the way you did.”

You nodded in understanding. “I know… I just… I really want to go back.” you say, pleading at him with your eyes. You knew he could see your grief and your urge to return and you trusted him to help you achieve this. The problem was, there was no real guarantee it would work. It had only worked once with him and yet he had given the same thing to Saeyoung without having the same result. It seemed a great hit or miss situation which made it all the worse. You’d be gambling your life on something that could just fail catastrophically… and you’d have killed yourself and your unborn baby.

The next day, Saeran said goodbye and promised you he’d work on a solution for you. You hugged him before he left and watched through the window as Daria waited for him by a car. She stood in front of him and smiled, but she didn’t touch him. They got in the car and drove away. And there it was, the last connection you had to Zen’s dimension driving away in a nice car, on a day that was no different than any of the other days you had spent locked up in this ward. The monotony had become infuriating but you didn’t want to become frustrated. It would just make the wait worse. 

And wait you did. Two more weeks had passed. It occured to you if you were having a normal pregnancy you’d be almost at a 20 week mark. Almost 5 months. You hadn’t even noticed a bump last time you were with Zen. You wondered if you were still pregnant. Maybe it had… faded. How could you know? There were no signs for you here. Granted, you still hadn’t had your period but when you asked the nurses they told you a common side effect of the medication you were taking was abnormal cycles. They didn’t seem very much concerned you hadn’t had any periods since the bleeding that one time. You figured at this point, all you could do was remain hopeful that nothing bad had happened.

Until something did happen. You woke up in the middle of the night in excruciating pain. It was like nothing you had ever experienced before. You felt as if someone had stabbed you right in your lower abdomen and at the same time punched the air out of your lungs. You managed to turn the bedside light on and saw you were still in your room in the ward when another wave of pain hit you like a ton of bricks. You pulled the covers away from you but saw nothing - there was no bleeding anywhere, no wound. What was happening? Why did it feel like someone was twisting a knife in your insides? When another wave of pain hit you, you thought you would pass out. You thought about calling out to the nurse but you barely managed to gasp enough air to breathe when you just wanted to roll over from the pain.  _ This is it. This is how I’m going to die.  _ You thought. When the pain hit you again, everything slowly faded to black.

But the pain woke you up again, and this time, when you bent over in agony you noticed something- a bump. A very noticeable bump on your abdomen and a wetness between your legs. The pain subsided again for a few seconds and when you looked around you noticed you weren’t in the hospital ward anymore. You were in Zen’s room. You turned around and found Zen asleep next to you. You had a second to smile from seeing him before another intense wave of pain hit you and you couldn’t help but grab Zen’s arm and shake him awake. 

“Huh, what?” Zen startled awake when you shook his arm. “MC?” he said, waking up much quicker. Yet the agony in your face was clearly evident. “MC, what’s wrong?” he said, jumping out of the bed to turn the light on and stand beside you.

“I don’t know. I don’t know. Something is wrong.” You managed to say. You looked at the bed and noticed it was wet - yet it wasn’t bloody. It was the first time you were able to look down and see that you were clearly pregnant. “I think I am in labor? I… I… aaah” you weren’t able to finish the sentence when the pain hit you again. Contractions. It had to be contractions. Why were you in labor so early? You were clearly pregnant but not that far along. Your math put you right around 5 month. This wasn’t right. Zen looked around and helped you sit up on the bed. The pain had passed and you were trying to catch your breath, but in reality, you wanted to cry. Why was this happening now? It was too soon.

“We’re going to the hospital right now.” Zen said and you nodded. He turned around, grabbed his wallet, his phone, and threw on a jacket on you. He helped you stand up and you did, surprised that you were able to do this. He threw a shirt on and helped you walk towards a car that was parked in the garage of his building. Where had the car come from, you didn’t know and you didn’t think to ask. The contractions were coming regularly and from the little you knew about being in labor they were happening very close together. You only had a minute or two before another one would come. 

Zen got you to the hospital in less than 10 minutes. You noticed he hadn’t even bothered to put shoes on or gotten out of the pajama pants he was wearing. Luckily, the emergency room had a wheelchair by the entrance which he was able to grab and take you into the hospital in. Despite the pain, you couldn’t help but be mesmerized by your swollen abdomen. You had wondered time and time again if you were pregnant and the small bump said more to answer your doubts than anything else had. And the pain… well, the pain made you wish this hadn’t happened at all.

The nurses took you in quickly and put you in a room, preparing you for a pelvic exam. They asked you questions like how far along were you, if your water had broken, and how often your contractions were. You answered everything as best as you could and the sad looks on the nurses faces seemed straight out of a horror movie. It was too early. You had never heard of a baby being born at barely 5 months and surviving. When they did the pelvic exam, the nurse made it official.

“This baby is coming out now whether you want it or not. You’re basically fully dilated” she said, as the other nurse walked out of the room. She put her hand on your knee with a sad look on her face. “I’m so sorry.”


	23. I’m Blessed To Have You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really want to say a few things before I put this chapter up. I did a lot of research on premature babies, premature births, and read everything, scrutinized real lives stories for details, watched videos, interviews and the like. I tried my best to make this chapter as realistic as possible because after reading all these... overwhelmingly sad and equally magnificent stories, I felt I couldn't gloss over the reality of what is like to have a very premature baby. I, myself, have never been pregnant, so I cannot imagine what is like to go through what MC and Zen are about to go through. I have mentioned I work in the medical field but this is not my area of expertise, not even close.  
> If any of my readers have gone through something similar to this, I applaud your brave soul. This was by far, the hardest chapter I've ever written and I hope I did it justice. I tried to do it with the utmost respect for both the people who have gone through something like this and the staff that takes care of these very tiny little babies. 
> 
> In the end, please remember this is still a work of fantasy and fiction.
> 
> And as always, please let me know if I have any grammar errors or weird sentences. I had to take a lot of breaks writing this chapter and it might have affected some continuity.

##  ****  


Time seemed to have stopped for you, despite being painfully aware that your surroundings continued on. The light was so bright it was giving you a headache. The temperature of the room seemed to have chilled you to your bones. The sounds and noises of other people talking, machines beeping, and people running around overcrowded your senses.  The nurse said something about getting a doctor and left you and Zen alone in the little room of the emergency department. Yet your eyes were fixated on the place where the nurse had stood at the end of the bed, issuing those words. _The baby is coming out now. I’m so sorry._

_I’m so sorry._

_I’m so sorry…_

“I’m so sorry” you echoed, your words a whisper. But you weren’t just repeating the nurses words. You were apologizing. Apologizing to Zen and apologizing to your baby. You’d failed them both. You should have fought those meds harder. You should have escaped that psych ward. You should have done so many other things to keep this from happening… You felt Zen’s hand squeeze yours but your fingers felt numb - the blood had drained out of them as soon as you saw the nurse’s face and began a vice grip on Zen’s hand. And yet, you couldn’t face him. He stood next to you, and you just couldn’t muster the strength to look at him suffer, it would be your undoing.

You felt something wet sliding down your cheeks and landing on your chest.

Tears.

Then you felt something wet on your hand… and instinctively knew Zen was crying too. Before either one of you had a chance to say anything, another contraction snapped you right out of your thoughts and forced you to bend over in pain. Almost in queue, a whole team of nurses and a doctor walked into the room with all sorts of equipment. The doctor checked you again and agreed with the first nurse’s assessment. He ordered a steroid injection and had you sent immediately to the maternity ward. The nurses tried to explain they normally tried to delay the labor but you were so dilated it they couldn’t do that anymore. They also explained that since your water had broken, the chance of infection was higher and that would put both your life and the baby’s life at risk. They quickly wheeled you to an OR and kept Zen outside to have him wash his hands and put on some sort of cover up. Your tearful eyes stared at him through the window - you dared not look at the commotion around you. A nurse came over with a clipboard and you saw him hesitate before signing some paperwork and come into the room. You felt something cold on your abdomen, a gel, and a doctor put an ultrasound probe on your belly to check the baby. The rest of the hospital staff continued to roll in equipment - you noticed a  bassinet encased in clear plastic with circular holes on the sides, among other things you couldn’t recognize. Then, one of the nurses came over with a clipboard and placed it in front of you.

“I know it's tough to think about this now, but we need you to make a decision on what you’d like to do. You’re not sure exactly how many weeks along are you, correct? Somewhere between 21-23 weeks you said?” the nurse asked. You nodded. “The chance of your baby surviving is less than 10%.  It is very likely that if your baby survives, it will face severe disabilities throughout its life. You have to sign this if you want us to do everything within our power to keep your baby alive or if you’d rather we just give it comfort measures...” you were trying to do your best to pay attention to the nurse when another contraction hit you and a sudden urge to push your little baby crawled through you. But you avoided it with all your might. You weren’t ready. Your baby wasn’t ready. She wasn’t supposed to be facing the world yet. You’d barely seen your pregnant belly for the first time. It dawned upon you that you’d never even felt her kick. But everyone in the room seemed to be getting ready to deliver the baby and you knew, deep down, she was coming. The nurse called out to you again and asked. “Do you want us to try to keep your baby alive? You need to sign”

You were taken aback. “Why would I not want you to try and keep my baby alive?”

“It’s very traumatic and very painful for the baby. Every breath will be painful. She’ll have to be intubated right away and with how little she is she may go through all that trauma and still not make it. Some parents prefer to let their baby rest in their arms instead”

Comfort measures. That’s what she was saying before. Comfort measures for your baby as they’d let her fade away in your arms. At that moment, the doctor with the ultrasound found your baby’s heartbeat. The last ultrasound of her you had seen she barely had the shape of a baby. Now you could see her head and her little limbs. As the doctor moved the probe, you felt her kick for the first time in the opposite side of the ultrasound probe. You took Zen’s hand and put it on your abdomen, she was still kicking. You looked at him as he felt your baby kick and you knew the answer to the nurse’s question.

You signed the paperwork to keep her alive.

Not a second later, another painful contraction pushed you to sit up on the table. Your back was killing you. Zen quickly went back to holding your hand and put free hand on your back. He rubbed circles on your lower back and it was the best you’d felt since you had arrived this time. It was like magic coming out of his fingertips. The nurses put your legs on stirrups at the end of the table and the doctor placed himself at the very end. Between the pain, the contractions, the urge to break down and cry, and everything that was going on, you were finding it hard to focus on your breathing. A kind nurse by your side tried to coach you, realizing you had not practiced for this. _You weren’t ready for anything._

“Are you ready to push?” the doctor asked. You nodded, albeit hesitantly. You didn’t _want_ to push. But when another contraction came, you gave in to the urge and you pushed. You’d heard stories, stories from coworkers and other women where they said it felt like trying to push a bowling ball out of your body. This was not like that at all. Two more pushes and your baby was out, that’s how small she was. The doctor confirmed it was a girl and said she was trying to breathe on her own. You barely had a chance to look at her before they took her across the room and began working on her. She was so little and her skin looked translucent but she was moving her little arms and legs, full of life. The nurse that was beside you left your side and went to check on her. You saw Zen trying to look over the nurses shoulders but you had been holding onto his hand so strongly he could not approach them.

“Go, go see her” you begged him, letting go of his hand. He looked at you hesitantly, kissed your forehead, and went to see how she was doing. Another nurse had been working to clean you up. When you looked down, the amount of blood was more than what you expected. “Is… is that much blood normal?”

“No sweetie, it’s not” the nurse said, with a pitiful look in her eyes. “But we’ve contained the bleeding, you’ll be okay” she said. The nurse that had been coaching you on the breathing walked back to give you some information.

”Your baby was just over 2lb and 11 inches long” she said. “That’s bigger than most babies at 21-23 weeks. She looks closer to what a 25 week old baby would look like. That helps her chances of survival” she said, putting her hand on your shoulder. “But it is still touch and go until she is able to breathe and feed on her own, which… for a little preemie like her, can take about to 2 months... Assuming there are no other major problems.”

You nodded and saw the team of doctors and nurses take her to the NICU. Zen went after them. You felt very lightheaded and leaned back on the bed. The pain was mostly gone but you still felt incredibly sore and uncomfortable. The nurse that cleaned you helped you stretch out your legs but asked you to stay on the bed while she rolled you to a room.

 

* * *

 

Zen’s heart tore in 2 when the doctors were taking the baby from the delivery room. MC had told him to go with their daughter but the thought of leaving her behind, alone, weighted heavy on him. However, when they began to walk away and roll his daughter away, his feet seemed to walk on their own after her. He’d caught nothing but glimpses of her through the top of the staffs shoulders. Zen followed them through hallways and double doors until they reached the NICU. They told him he was allowed to watch but to not attempt to touch the baby. He wouldn’t dare, she looked so incredibly fragile. Zen was amazed at the skill of the doctors and the staff to care for such a little baby - she almost didn’t look real. He saw them put needles in her tiny body, put a tube down her throat, and put the smallest diaper he’d ever seen on her ever so gently. One of the nurses took a little vial of her blood with her. It wasn’t until they had finally wiped her clean that he noticed the one thing he was able to see of himself in her. A fuzz of white hair covering her little head. At that moment, a sparkle of hope grew in his heart, though he was scared again. Scared to love her and to lose her. Scared to dream again of her, healthy, smiling, and calling out to him. Despite all the dreams he ever had, none ever prepared him for this.

A few minutes later, his little daughter laid on an incubator in the NICU. The nurses walked over to him and told him there was a chance, that she might be able to make it, they advised him to stay strong. But the tiny movement of her chest seemed so fragile he was terrified. He stopped the doctor on his way out and asked him, to tell him truthfully, what the real chances were.

“10% at best. If she makes it through the day and tolerates food well, maybe up to 15-20%. The biggest concern is sepsis, infection or…” and the doctor continued on, mentioning a list of possible things that were very likely to end his daughter’s life. Zen was quiet and felt like he was holding his heart in his hand. He had already cried when they first got to the hospital but had suppressed his tears since.  One of the nurses came over and asked him if there was anyone he’d like them to call, any other relatives, friends, grandparents.

“No… I’ll… I’ll make the calls”. Zen replied, walking out of the NICU and taking his phone out of his pocket. He stared at the screen for a minute and thought about going back to take a picture of his daughter but stopped. MC should be here when we take her first photo. He walked in the direction of the nurse’s desk and asked them if there was a quiet place where he could make a couple of phone calls. They pointed a little waiting room right down the hall.

Zen dialed Ember’s phone first. It rang a few times and went straight to voicemail. He looked at the time. 3:13 am. He dialed again. Voicemail. He decided he’d try one more time, hoping she’d awaken, and she finally answered.

“Zen?” she said, her voice groggy, likely from sleep. “Zen, it’s 3 in the morning, is everything okay?”

“MC is here. She just had the baby” he said. His voice was shaky and his breathing was too fast.

“What? What do you mean she had the baby? She’s not far along enough” Ember replied.

“I know. Something went wrong. We’re still at the hospital” he said, and gave her the address “Everything went wrong, Ember. This wasn’t supposed to happen.”  He couldn’t hold back the urge to break down anymore, he had to gasp for air as the tears streamed down his face. “Please come. MC needs you.”

“I’ll put something on and I’ll be on my way” Ember replied. “Is MC okay? Is the baby okay?”

“They’re both alive” Zen said, gasping. But he didn’t want to go into other detail about it. His voice kept an odd pitch that didn’t sound like his regular voice. “Can you… can you bring her some clothes?” Zen asked, taking a deep breath after, trying to his best to calm down. “We just… we came to the hospital so quickly we didn’t bring anything”

“Yeah, yeah I’ll bring her something” she replied.

“Thank you, Ember” he said. “Thanks”

“Of course Zen. We’ll be there soon”.

Zen hung up the phone and sat alone on the chair, staring at his phone again. _Relatives…_ MC had none here. He hadn’t spoken to his parents in years… and yet, he found himself dialing his brother’s number.

“Hello?” the voice said over the phone. recognized it straight away, it was his brother. He had answered immediately, to Zen’s surprise.

“Sangmook ” Zen said, trying his best to keep his arm still.

“Hyun?” Sangmook replied. “Hyun, are you alright? Why are you calling me so late?”

“I… I just had a daughter” Zen said, and it was almost as if saying it outloud made it true for the first time.

“You’re kidding” his brother replied. There was a short silence and Zen almost expected him to berate him over it. He began to regret calling him. “Well, congratulations, Hyun. It’s… its nice to know I have a niece”

“She… she came in early. Really early” Zen said, again trying to hold back his composure. “She might not make it through the night. I just thought you should know while she was still alive”

Again, another moment of silence.

“Hyun, which hospital are you in?”

* * *

  


Once you were in the room, the nurse handed you a breast pump.

“You need to give us breast milk for the baby. It will help immensely” she said. Your eyes widened in horror. The nurse probably assumed it was because you’d never seen a pump or because you were worried it would hurt. In reality, you were worried you would not be able to give enough before being sucked back to your own world. You tried to sit up but found yourself weakened. “Oh, honey, don’t worry, you can give us some milk in a little bit. You should rest right now, you lost a lot of blood. We are going to give you some fluids but we might have to give you a blood transfusion as well if you’re still weak in a few hours.”

“How’s my baby?” you asked her, while she set up the pump on your night stand.

“As well as could be expected, sweetie. I’m sorry this happened.” she said, as she raised the top half of your bed to put you on a more upright position. She spent a few minutes trying to explain to you how to pump worked and told you to try it once you felt a bit more comfortable. She explained to you the huge importance of breastmilk for newborns and _especially_ for premature babies. She suggested a nap but you immediately dismissed the idea. You couldn’t leave - not yet. Once the nurse was on her way out, a doctor came in. He explained to you that your baby was on life support but so far she was doing okay. He said you were okay to take a shower once you felt you could get up from the bed on your own and when they finished stabilizing the baby they would let you go see her. The doctor also told you Zen was giving blood for the baby - they were the same type, B. That brought a weak smile to your lips. Zen was already doing what he could for his daughter. You had to do it as well.

As soon as the doctor left the room, you fought with everything you had to sit up, grab the breast pump, and turn it on. After 10 minutes, you had little less than a tablespoon of yellow liquid from both breasts and clearly nothing else was coming out. You wanted to cry, you felt like such a failure. You disconnected the pump and put everything back on the nightstand. Why did everything had to go so wrong? What did you do to deserve this… this strange, miserable life? You curled up on your side and the tears just ran down your cheeks. You had been feeling so alone for the last month stuck in the psych ward, especially after Saeran and Daria left. And now, you were here alone as well after giving birth to your daughter. You thought of calling Ember but you didn’t have a phone and you didn’t know the number to tell the nurses to call. You’d have to wait for Zen to come back. So you just stayed in bed, waiting, crying, trying to fight a battle against sleep and exhaustion that you knew you wouldn’t be able to win for much longer. What was going to happen to your baby if you disappear? Would she die if you didn’t give the doctors enough breast milk? You were so enraptured in your dreadful thoughts that you didn’t notice someone come into the room. It wasn’t until you felt his body lying on the bed beside you and his familiar citrus smell that you realize Zen had come back. He wrapped his arms around you and held you close.

There were so many things you wanted to say to him but you couldn’t find the words and you couldn’t stop crying. What could you tell the man you loved when you felt you had failed him? When you couldn’t hold on to his baby enough to give it a proper chance at life? That you felt you didn’t fight those meds enough, you didn’t come back enough, you just let things happen and now… and now the worst had happened. It wasn’t until you felt the heaving of his chest that you knew he was quietly sobbing with you.

You both stayed like that for what felt like too long, when in reality it wasn’t more than a few minutes. A nurse came in to change change the fluids on your IV and saw what you were able to pump of breast milk.

“This is great.” she said, looking at what little you had left in the container. “This will really help your little girl”

“I couldn’t get anymore out” you said, sounding defeated and tearful

“Oh sweetie,  that’s quite alright.” the nurse said “The first times you pump you won’t get much out but don’t worry, the baby can’t even take half of this in one feeding. And this yellow stuff? Liquid gold. It has a ton of protein and vitamins to help your little baby. You can probably try again in about two hours, if we’re lucky you’ll get just as much or more. It’ll really make a difference for your little girl.” she added. “Make sure you call us if your IV runs dry. We want you to be as hydrated as possible to give you the best chance to produce milk”

“Okay…” you said, trying to wipe away the tears. Maybe you hadn’t completely ruined that one.

“I’ll bring you some clean clothes and a towel for when you feel like taking a shower.” the nurse said. “If you have a hard time getting up, we can bring someone to help you-”

“I’ll help her” Zen interjected. It was the first you had heard him say since he came back.

“That’s fine too” the nurse said. “You can’t take a bath but there’s a chair in the shower to make it easier for you if you need it.”

You nodded. “When can I see her?”

“She’s in the NICU now. We can wheel you down there when you’re ready. We would like you to shower first since the NICU is a sterile environment and we can never be too careful, but if you feel like you need to see her now, we can arrange that.”

“I’ll shower.” you said, measly.

“It’ll make you feel better” the nurse said. “I’ll bring you an alarm clock too so you know to pump again in two hours.” you nodded again and she left the room, taking what you had of breastmilk to give. You rolled to your back, still feeling sore, and Zen got out of the bed to help you sit up. Your head was spinning and if he hadn’t kept his arm behind your back you probably would have fallen right back onto the bed.

“I’m sorry” you finally say again. “I’m just... really weak” you said.

“It’s okay Princess, I’m here for you” he said, as he put your arm around his neck, scooping you up in his arms. He turned so you could grab the saline bag with you and headed to the bathroom. There was a chair in the shower, just as the nurse had said. You were thankful the shower head had a hose as well, it would make it easier. Zen put you down on the chair and knelt beside you to help you undress. It didn’t even occur to you that it would be a mess once you took off the hospital gown, but it was. There was still some dry blood that had smeared between your thighs and some sort of white stuff that looked like dry glue. You grabbed the sponge but Zen took it from you.

“Let me, Princess” he said, gently running the warm water and lovingly cleaning every inch of your body. He rubbed your back, your legs, your arms, and your belly. He cleaned everything with such tenderness you could have fallen in love with him if you weren’t already. He washed your hair and brushed it, lastly wrapping a towel around your head. He helped you dry off and put you on another clean, hospital gown, then carried you back to the bed.

“Thank you” you muttered, as he worked to get the towel off your head. He shook his head.

“You’ve nothing to thank me for. I… I’m sorry. I did this to you. To her” he said, looking at the floor. “I should have waited”

“Zen, you didn’t do this to me” you say, taking his hand in yours. “We both got into this. We were impulsive but I… I only regret not being able to keep her inside me longer, preparing her for the world. Now we can only hope that she’ll be strong enough to stay with us.” _With you._

“She’s… she’s so little” he said, taking your hand to his lips as he closed his eyes. “The nurse keeps telling me to be strong for her, that she’s fighting to stay with us, that they’re doing everything they can… but the doctor’s voice keeps ringing in my ears. Less than 10% chance of survival.” He looked devastated and you couldn’t handle seeing him like this. You had to hope there was a chance for her. You needed him to hope with you.

“Zenny, look at us” you say, leaning over to touch his forehead to yours. You took your free hand and placed it over the hand that held yours. “I always thought there was no chance I could meet anyone like you, let alone actually find you. Everything about this has been nothing short of magical. She has to be too.” You meant this with all your heart. You had to believe that things would work out.

“I love you, princess.” he said, pulling you into his arms to embrace you.

“I love you too, Zenny” you told him as you let yourself absorb him love for you. There was nothing else that could make you feel better at that moment than his arms around you.

 

A few minutes later, the nurse returned with a wheelchair. Zen picked you up from the bed and put you on the chair,

“Are you ready to see her?” the nurse asked. You nodded. Zen pushed the chair in the direction the nurse pointed and soon enough you were going through a hallway full of double doors until you reached a small room full of sinks.

“You need to scrub your arms all the way to your elbows for 3 minutes with this soap” the nurse said, handing you a bottle of the liquid. You did as she asked and it almost felt like the skin around your hands would come off from all the scrubbing. They made you and Zen cover everything you were wearing as if you were about to walk into an operating room. Then she pushed the door open and let you into the NICU. There were 5 bassinets with plastic covers and tons of wires coming out of them. The nurse walked over to where your baby was and Zen pushed your wheelchair in that direction.

Zen helped you stand up from the wheelchair so you could look into the incubator. To say you felt shock when you saw your baby would have been an understatement. You felt as if someone had pulled the floor from under your feet and your heart had fallen to the abyss, leaving you standing there without a pulse. Zen had not exaggerated when he said she was so, very little. Her arms and legs were smaller than your fingers. Her eyes were fused shut. Her skin was so translucent she was completely red. An array of tubes came out of her mouth and at least two IVs were sticking out of her. She was wearing a diaper no bigger than the palm of your hand and she looked like she was swimming in it. Despite all of this, she had all her fingers, nails, and a wisp of what looked like very fuzzy white hair. And to you, she was nothing short of beautiful and you fell in love with her instantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, yeah. I totally made up Zen's brother's name. I literally googled Korean attorneys and picked one.


	24. How Am I Supposed To Accept This Situation?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for such a long delay between chapters. I promise I am going to finish this story. I've just been super busy since applications for grad school opened in April of this year and also I went to Thailand for an amazing vacation.  
> But mostly grad school applications have been keeping me super busy. I swear I will finish the story. Thank you so much for putting up with me and waiting for this chapter!

After the initial shock of seeing your daughter, your legs felt shaky. Zen noticed immediately and helped you ease back onto the wheelchair. You leaned forward and placed your hand on the plastic cover, trying to reach her, hoping to give her your strength.  _ Live.  _ You willed her, wishing and hoping that she would make it. 

“Could I touch her?” you asked the nurse, terrified of the outcome - you couldn’t imagine not touching her before you eventually succumbed to sleep, losing your only chance of knowing what it was like to feel your daughter. Equally terrified of hurting her since she looked so very small and fragile. 

The nurse pressed her lips together with an expression of regret but turned to look at the monitors hooked to the baby. “She is actually doing okay after that blood transfusion we gave her.” the nurse said “It seems to have stabilized her pretty well for now, although the first few hours are usually when the baby is doing the best as well.” she looked at the watch on her wrist. “I’ll have to get physician approval but its not totally impossible you might be able to touch her tonight. Just don’t get all your hopes up yet” she said, as she walked out of the room, leaving you and Zen hovering over the baby. 

As you sat there leaning over, you noticed the labels on the edge of the box. Height, weight, parent’s names, and name.  _ ‘Female baby’ _ had been written under the baby’s name. 

“She needs a name” you said, realizing you hadn’t had time to think about this yet. Well, you had thought about it, many times, while you got lost in your own thoughts in the mental health hospital… but you hadn’t decided in a name. You hadn’t decided. A part of you thought that once you saw her the name would come to you but while you stared at her little fragile body nothing came to mind. 

“Miyoung” Zen said, putting his hand on your shoulder. “It means eternal and beautiful”

“Miyoung…” you repeated, over and over in your head. You looked at her and put the name on your lips, addressing her. “Miyoung… Mi...young…” You closed your eyes and imagined calling after her, healthy, older, running around with a smile on her face. _Miyoung. Mia_ for short. You imagined Zen calling her, picking her up in his arms. You imagined Ember and Seven calling her Mimi. That was the name. Beautiful and eternal. That’s what she would be, because she had to survive. “ _Miyoung_ ” you said again. “I love it”

“It was a character in a short play I was in. I’ve loved the name since” Zen said. “I always thought if I had a daughter, that would be her name.”

“It’s perfect” you said. “We’ll tell the nurse when she comes back.” He squeezed your shoulder and gently smiled at you. It was only a few more minutes before the nurse came back with the physician and another nurse. They greeted the both of you and gave you a small update that more or less sounded like hopeful good news but without any guarantees. The doctor agreed with the nurse’s assessment and said it seemed that it was as good time as any to let you touch her. They explained that you’d put your hand through the hole in the incubator and you could very gently caress the skin of her back or her head. They warned you you’d have to be extra gentle because too much stimulation could be harmful and that her skin was so delicate it would be very easy to cause her pain. You nodded in understanding.

Your hand slid through the hole of the incubator and you felt as if the lightest touch of your fingertips could hurt her. You hovered over her for what it felt like an eternity before letting your index finger touch the little wisp of white hair that stood out from her little head. After a few seconds you managed to find the courage to touch her skin. It was velvety and smooth, softer than anything you’d touched before. It broke your heart not knowing you wouldn’t be able to hold her in your arms before you’d know if she was alright or not. There was a knot in your throat and a heaviness to your chest that seemed all the more present the longer your arm touched the edges of the incubator. Why couldn’t you had keep her inside you longer? Where she was safe and protected and growing? Had it been the medications? Had it been the jumping through dimensions?

The nurse signaled you that it had been enough after a few minutes and you painfully took your arm out of the incubator. They told you you needed to rest, eat, and hydrate so you would produce more milk for your daughter and you were set on a plan to try and do this before you got kicked back to your reality. 

“Oh, her name is Miyoung” you told the nurse, pointing at your daughter’s tags on her incubator. “Miyoung Ryu” you said, looking at Zen. He gave you a gentle smile and kissed the top of your head. 

“We’ll put her name on her tags” the nurse said, kindly, before showing you to the exit door. Zen pushed you on the wheelchair and promptly enough you found yourself back in the room you had been earlier. There was a note, seemingly from a nurse, asking you to inform the nurses when you returned. Zen helped you back onto the bed and said he’d go let the nurses know they were back. You drank some more water and hoped you’d be able to use the breast pump soon again. When Zen returned, Ember and Seven came along with them. You did your best to sit up but Ember almost threw herself at you and dragged you into an embrace.

“MC, we came as soon as we heard. Are you alright?” Ember said, holding tightly onto you. “How is the baby?”

“She’s fighting” you said, trying to sound positive and strong but your voice betrayed you as it cracked unevenly. “I’m… I’m still here” you whispered. Ember sat at the edge of the bed and held your hand in hers. 

“I had gotten some things for her... I wanted to throw you a baby shower but… well” she said, grabbing the blanket she had brought with her and giving it to you. “This is for her”

“This is beautiful, thank you” you said, hold on to it. “We... we named her Miyoung” you began, and you tell her in a few more words what had happened. You noticed Ember seemed pale and perhaps she was even struggling to follow your story. You tried to ask her if she was alright but she cut you off immediately, asking you questions about Miyoung’s prognosis and your recovery. Between your own worries and exhaustion you couldn’t help but leave the subject and move on to tell her what the doctors had said. A few minutes later a nurse came by to check on you and offered you some medication to calm your nerves and help you sleep. You immediately declined and the nurse warned you that lack of sleep could affect your milk production. You promised her you’d sleep soon and while it felt like a lie deep down you knew you wouldn’t be able to keep your eyes open much longer. It was as if your body was anchored to the bed and Morpheus himself was trying to drag you to your real dimension. The nurse also commented that if you held onto the blanket it would catch your scent and they’d put it in the incubator so Miyoung could sense her mom. That statement alone almost brought you to tears but you wrapped the blanket around your neck, knowing you’d only have a few hours at most before you succumbed to exhaustion. 

“I need to… I need to do something” you say to Ember, after you saw Zen step out of the room with Seven. “I need to figure out a way to make sure I stay here. I can’t leave, Ember. I can’t leave Miyoung and Zen. What if… what if she… doesn’t make it and I am not here? I can’t… I can’t do that to her, I can’t do that to Zen, I would never forgive myself”

“Zen will be here. Miyoung will have her dad with her, and her auntie Ember who loves her.” Ember said, lying in the bed next to you. “And Zen knows you’d give anything to be here with them. He wouldn’t fault you for not being able to stay in this dimension. He loves you so much MC” Ember said, squeezing your hand. 

“Thank you” you said, your voice cracking again. You nodded in understanding, choking back tears. You knew she was right but it didn’t make the situation any better. If you had dreamt of being here before, if you had wanted to just be with Zen, if you had struggled to leave… it all paled in comparison with the urgency and the pressing need to stay with Miyoung by Zen’s side. 

Zen came back a few moments later accompanied by another nurse who suggested you tried the breast pump again. She also offered to take Seven and Ember to see Miyoung and you insisted they should go as it might be their only chance to ever meet her. Zen accompanied them after giving you a gentle kiss on the forehead and promised he’d return in a few minutes. You let him go, appreciating the moment of privacy to use that dreaded breast pump. 

After you had connected the pump you laid back on the bed and did your best to relax, trying to let the pump take every drop of milk you could give your daughter. It worked well in the fact that more milk came out… but despite your best efforts, you couldn’t fight the energy depletion and your eyes finally closed.

* * *

  
  


Hospital policy didn’t let Ember or Seven go very far into the NICU - parents only. They did let them see Miyoung from the window and the nurse was kind enough to bring the incubator closer to the window. 

“I’d never seen a baby so small…” Zen said, touching the glass. He hardly took his eyes off his daughter the whole time he stood there. “Beautiful and eternal, Miyoung” he said, mostly to himself. It almost seemed he didn’t want to face Luciel or Ember, but it was hard to tell if he just didn’t want to see any hopelessness in their face or he was trying to hide his own from them. After exchanging a few words, Zen admitted he wanted to go back to MC’s room since he had spent so much time away from her now. He walked ahead of Seven and Ember, leaving them behind to see Miyoung on their own but he figured they’d catch up to him soon enough. 

Once he got back to the room, he noticed MC lying on the bed, her eyes closed, her hair disheveled, the breast pump turned on and the small blanket Ember had brought covering her chest. He walked quietly and saw that the pump was no longer getting any milk out. He turned it off and gently removed it from her breasts. She moved a little, but it was clear she was exhausted. Zen put the pump away and fixed up her gown, crawling into the bed and putting his arms around her. Instinctively, MC curled into his chest and hid her face on the curvature of his neck. Zen wanted nothing more than to shake her awake but he knew she had to be utterly spent. The energy drain had not only been physical, it was emotional as well. Before he knew it, he had closed his eyes with his arms around the woman he loved.

Zen awoke to a nurse gently shaking his shoulder. “Hi, I’m sorry to wake you Mr. Hyun, there is someone here to see you.” He was disoriented and when he searched the bed he found nothing but the blanket Ember had brought with her. 

“Who is it?” he asked, holding onto the blanket. “How long has it been? How’s the baby?”

“The baby is still stable” the nurse said. “It’s been about an hour. There is a man here saying he is your brother. Normally we just let people in but after 3:00 am we ask. Where is your girlfriend?” 

Zen almost launched off the bed when the nurse said his brother was there. He hadn’t seen his brother in years and with everything that had happened, he had almost forgotten the call he placed earlier that night. 

“May I tell him to come into the room?” the nurse asked. 

“Oh. Yeah, yeah, he can come in” Zen answered, getting out of the bed and trying to straighten out his clothes.  _ How can I explain to him where MC is?  _ The nurse went outside to get Sangmook but did not care to return after. A tall, dark haired man walked in. He wore a nice shirt and a nice pair of trousers but his disheveled hair gave away that he had been sleeping less than an hour ago. He looked tired but his eyes were wide open. 

“Hyun” he said, standing by the end of the bed as he stared at him from head to toe. 

“Sangmook” Zen said, instinctively doing the same thing. They had not seen each other in years but things hadn’t changed much with his brother. Short brown hair, fair skin, imposing look. 

“How’s… how’s the baby?” he asked, his eyes now darting towards the floor. 

“She’s… she’s fighting. We’re still hopeful she might make it.” Zen answered. “We named her Miyoung” 

“Eternal and beautiful… lovely name” Sangmook said. “Mom would be proud” The tension between them was evident and an awkward silence began to grow between them. It was Sangmook who finally spoke. “Hyun I’m… I’m sorry” Sangmook said, walking over to his younger brother and embracing him. Zen hadn’t known what to expect but a heartfelt apology had been the farthest thing from his mind. He’d wanted to make peace with his brother for a long time but had started to think it might just not happen. Any troubles Zen had faced in the past paled in the light of tonight’s events  “I shouldn’t have turned my back on you. I’ve always regretted it and was too ashamed to make things right”. Sangmook said. “I’m glad you called me tonight. I want to meet your daughter and your... wife?” 

“Fiance” Zen corrected. “I’m glad you came. I… I have never needed your support more than I’ve needed it today.” He grabbed Ember’s blanket and headed towards the door, signaling his brother to tag along. “Come, I’ll introduce you to my daughter”. 

 

* * *

  
  


You woke up disoriented and feeling like the room was spinning. It took a few moments for you to realize that you were back in the room of the psych ward. Despair set in so quickly you almost couldn’t breathe and your chest felt heavy. You couldn’t be here, you had to go back and you had to go back now. What if something happened to Miyoung and you were stuck in this dimension? What if she needed more breast milk? She needed you and Zen needed you. You hadn’t even been able to carry your daughter in your arms and you had already left her. You needed to figure out a way to return and time was of the essence. 

You got up from the bed and saw the time - 5:40 am. No one had noticed your most recent visit to Zen’s world, which was likely a good thing. If you were going to try and figure out a way to go back, you had to get out of hospital. You looked through your things and changed out of your pajamas, grabbed whatever you thought might be more useful - your ID, your wallet. You opened the door to your room and stepped into the hallway - it was empty. You walked over to the first nurse’s station and found it empty as well. _There’s always someone here. Where are they?_ _Sleeping? Bathroom?_ You leaned over the counter and saw the computer was unlocked. Either the stars had aligned to give you a chance or this might just make everything worse. The thought of Zen and your daughter alone back there give you a boldness you normally didn’t have and you turned the screen around and typed Saeran’s name on the computer. His profile showed up and you quickly wrote down the phone number on file. You looked up Daria and saw the phone number of file was the same. _Perfect._ You got out of there as quickly as you could, walking towards the main exit.

There was a guard sitting on the chair by the exit but he was asleep. The door was likely locked and if you tried to force it open you’d probably wake him. You turned around and headed for the exit that led to the gardens. Saeran had told you before that the fence didn’t seem terribly difficult to climb and it might just be your best bet. Once you got to the door, you saw that it was locked.  _ Of course. Why would they leave the door to the garden unlocked at night.  _ But easily enough, there was a bolt at the top of the door and once you opened that, the door opened right away. It was almost too easy.  _ You’re not escaping from a prison, this is a low category psych ward. People don’t try to run away from here, they come in voluntarily. You just can’t leave voluntarily. Well, I’m leaving now. _

As soon as the door opened, a beeping started from the wall on the left- a keypad. Must be some sort of security mechanism where you can open the door but you gotta put in a code or the alarm would go off.  _ Hurry. You’ll only have this chance once.  _ You ran. You ran towards that fence as fast as your legs would take you.  _ I can’t get caught. I can’t. I need to go back.  _

The air was humid and cold outside. The sun hadn’t come out yet and the plants still basked in their morning dew. You were still running.  _ Don’t look back. You can’t look back now.  _ You reached the fence and saw you’d have to pull yourself up. You looked around for something you might be able to hop onto but found nothing.  _ Its too tall. I can’t climb this.  _ You ran along the edge of the fence, trying to find at least a defect on it that you might be able to exploit as a step - nothing. You saw the lights turn on from the inside of the ward.  _ Fuck.  _ Then you saw it - your best chance, a tree, close enough to the fence that you might be able to climb and jump to the other side of it.  _ This is it.  _ You hadn’t climbed a tree since you were a child but this was the chance. You couldn’t turn back now. If you get caught trying to leave like this, they’d just transfer you to a more secure facility and then you’d never be able to leave like this. This was how it was going to be. You were climbing a tree to get out of the psych ward.  

It wasn’t too hard to climb the tree, but your hands scrapped the wood a few times, probably giving you some splinters. You didn’t care. You had to get out. The tree was tall enough that it put you just over the top of the fence. You stopped for a second before jumping, knowing you were probably going to hurt yourself landing on the sidewalk on the other side of the fence - it was a decent drop.  _ Go. Go. Jump. They’re waiting for you.  _

You jumped. 

It could have been worse. You rolled your ankle and scraped your arm but you could still walk. After trying to adjust, you heard an alarm go off in the building.  _ Shit, shit shit.  _ You had to go. Run. You moved. You had to put as much distance between the psych ward and yourself or they’d catch you. If they contacted the authorities, they’d be more likely to catch you if you were near the ward.  _ Run. Move.  _ You needed to get to a phone, Saeran would help you. You had no money or anything on you. You had to find someone who would let you use their phone to call Saeran and hope your lucky stars he’d answer at 6 am, before someone would find you. Your ankle was really hurting but you were too scared to stop running. 

Eventually, you found a convenience store that was open only a few blocks away from the psych ward. You hadn’t really felt anyone was chasing you, but you couldn’t assume. A young girl was sitting behind the counter reading a magazine. You begged her to let you use the phone and she said store policy wouldn’t allow her to do so, but you must have looked desperate enough she let you use her own cell phone. You thanked her profusely and took the number you’d gotten from the computer at the ward - your hands were shaking and you were worried she would notice and call the police. You took a deep breath and just dialed the number. 

 

* * *

  
  


“She is so small…” Sangrook said as he stood behind the glass and saw his niece for the first time. 

“She is fighting” Zen said, staring at his daughter, now covered with the blanket Ember had brought for her. 

“Less than 10%?” Sangrook asked Zen and he nodded, slowly. 

“Maybe a little higher if she makes it through the night” 

“Let’s hope she does…” Sangrook said, putting his hand on Zen’s shoulder. They stood there in silence for at least ten minutes, just watching Miyoung’s shallow breaths. She was so small and fragile and the nurses continued to come in and out of the room to test her. She’d already had multiple IV lines placed, a feeding tube, she was intubated to help her breathe and she was hooked to at least 3 different monitors as far as Zen could see. A nurse had told him earlier that he or his wife would not be able to pick her up for at least 20 days or so, unless they knew she wouldn’t make it and they took her off the life support machines. 20 days without being able to carry his daughter.  _ Please don’t leave us.  _ He had whispered to her when they had allowed him to touch her.  _ We love you more than anything.  _

“We’re going to go take her for some x-rays”  another nurse said. Zen nodded and saw them roll the incubator out of the NICU. Once she was away, Zen couldn’t help but sit on the floor outside the window. He rested his elbows atop his knees and hid his hands in his face.  _ Please don’t be sick. Please.  _ He prayed to whoever would listen, he begged. It seemed like an eternity before the nurse came back with Miyoung. Zen asked about the x-rays but she just said they had to be read by a radiologist so she didn’t know the results yet. She promised they’d let him know as soon as they knew. Her nodded and let the nurse go. 

“Sangrook, I think I need to try and get some sleep.” Zen said. “I’m on edge and I’m emotional and… “  _ and I don’t want to think that MC is not here and he’ll ask about her again.  _ “I’ll call you tomorrow or if anything changes.”

Sangrook understood he was being dismissed and decided to respect Zen’s decision. He helped him up and gave him another hug. “Keep me informed, Zen.” he said, before heading out. “Despite the circumstances, I am glad I was able to see you” Zen thanked him again for coming - it had been a small respite during these difficult times. Zen walked with him and split ways before heading towards the room that had been assigned to MC. He lied on the bed and eventually he managed to succumb to sleep.

 

“Mr. Ryu” a gentle voice said as he was awoken by a hand on his shoulder. He could only have sleep for a few hours. He turned to find one of the NICU doctor’s next to the bed. “Mr. Ryu where is Miyoung’s mother?” 

“She’s… I, I don’t know. The cafeteria, maybe?” he tried to stall - he knew MC had disappeared to her dimension but they wouldn’t understand. They’d think she abandoned their daughter. 

“Mr. Ryu, try and find her. Things have taken a turn for the worse. It seems the last x-ray shows the beginning of pneumonia on Miyoung. I’m very sorry. We’ve started her on antibiotics but unfortunately it is most likely that she will become septic and not make it through the night. This is the most common cause of death for premature babies like her and it is what we were hoping wouldn’t happen. If you want to come see her, the nurses at the NICU will let you in. Do you have any questions for me?” the doctor asked, but Zen just waved his head no. No. No questions. He didn’t want to know that this was even happening. They’d warned him this might happen and now it had. If she had a 10% chance of survival it had gone out the door the moment she would get an infection. The doctor left the room and Zen stayed there, alone. His hand curled into a fist - MC would want to be here. If only she…  _ fuck.  _ Anger rose through him in a way he hadn’t felt since he was a teenager. He threw the pillow across the room and dug his fists onto the mattress.  _ Why was everything so fucked? What did he do to deserve this agony? Why was he being punished like this? Miyoung deserved a life, a happy life. So did MC. Why had everything turned out like this?  _ He got up and paced the room - the more he thought about the situation the angrier he got. He’d closed his fists to tightly together he couldn’t feel his fingers anymore. 

He took a deep breath. If at least he had MC with him, it would be an easier weight to bear. No one here could understand what it was like to be so close to your daughter and be unable to do anything to keep her alive. It was no use, The most he could do was go back to the NICU and at least not let her be alone. He grabbed his phone and saw he had a new message from an old friend - someone he had contacted before. 

He hesitated to open the text, but only for a second. ‘ _ Hyun, I’ve got those herb things you asked for. I can bring them to you now.’  _ The elixir. His friend got the things he needed to make the elixir. 

‘I’m at the hospital. Bring them over.’ he replied, and walked over to the NICU. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry


	25. Just Remember, That’s The Moment My Love’s Done The Impossible To Cross And Reach You.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to apologize to all of my readers for taking so long to put this chapter out. Honestly, I had about 90% of the chapter written for the last 4 weeks but the problem is I couldn't decide on how I wanted this to end. There are so many possibilities... In the end, I think I've made up my mind. 
> 
> I also had to admit I had a really hard time writing it. We're nearing the end and I think I'm self sabotaging myself because I just don't want this to end. I've had the best time talking to all of you and I will miss doing this terribly. 
> 
> But yeah, only one chapter left after this one. And possibly an epilogue.

## 

The phone had rang and gone straight to voicemail, once, twice. It was too early in the morning and anyone was likely still asleep. You looked nervously at the gas station attendant and smiled, hoping they wouldn’t begin to feel uncomfortable with you abusing their hospitality.

“I can call you a cab if you prefer-” the girl offered, noticing no one was picking up on the other end of the line.

“Oh, thanks but I just moved out here and I don’t remember the address.” 

“How did you end up here without a phone?” she asked, incredulous. 

“I lost it last night. I… uh… got really drunk.” her questions were starting to get on your nerves and the endless ringing of the phone made you anxious. Voicemail again. You hung up, frustrated. 

“Try again, maybe this will finally wake whoever you’re calling” she said. “If anything leave a voicemail and hang around, they might call back”

“Yeah, You’re right” you said, but you were afraid to linger. You were still too close to the facility and they could find you here if they were looking for you. The police was probably involved, knowing your mother. The phone continued to ring and right when you thought it was going to land on voicemail again a groggy voice answered, uttering something similar to a hello. 

“Hello? Hello?” you asked in disbelief, your heart jumping. 

“Who is this?” you heard the voice say, it was a woman. 

“Is Saeran there?”

“Who is this?” the voice sounded more awake now - it was Daria. 

“Daria, it’s MC, please put Saeran on the phone” you begged, trying to keep the urgency from your voice. You heard hesitance on her part but she reluctantly agreed. The girl behind the counter gave you a thumbs up and looked back at her magazine. 

“MC?” you heard Saeran on the other line. An inkling of relief came over you - things might just work out. 

 

The girl behind the counter took her phone back when you were done with the call. She had helped you give directions to the convenience store and Saeran promised he could get there in about 15 minutes. 15 excruciating minutes. You felt your heart ache with every second that passed and you were away from your daughter and away from Zen. What if they needed more milk? What if she didn’t make it and you weren’t there for her? What if you got caught and you were dragged back to the psych ward? No. You couldn’t think like that. This had to work. It had to. 

You saw a patrol car drive by the front of the convenience store and you held your breath. They moved on. You kept breathing. It felt like an eternity passed and any second could destroy any possibilities you might have. But you had to do it. It was the only way.

Eventually, Saeran made it to the store. You almost ran to him but you tried to keep a calm demeanor. Daria was with him and she greeted you fondly before driving away from the convenience store. You sat, crouching, on the back seat. 

“How come your mom didn’t pick you up?” Daria asked from behind the wheel. 

“I... uhm, she is out of town” you said “they let me out earlier than expected so she wasn’t here.”

“It is really early. They usually let people out around 9am.” Daria said, doing her best to focus on the road. “Do you have any prescriptions you need to pick up at the pharmacy?” 

“No” you said, thinking you were free of all those meds, at least  for now.

“Did they call them in?” she asked

“I think so. They said they would be ready tomorrow” hopefully you wouldn‘t be here tomorrow.

“She’s going to spend the night with us” Saeran told Daria, as if it was a simple fact. “I agreed to keep an eye on her until her mother comes back into town”. Daria nodded in understanding. You worried that she might ask questions you wouldn’t know how to answer but she only asked if you needed clothes. You said you didn’t have the key to your house, which wasn’t a lie. The rest of the drive was fairly quiet, with the occasional comment about the weather and some other small talk.

You felt like you were burning on the inside. 

It took everything you had not to break down in desperation. You didn’t want to freak out Daria and risk her turning you in - Saeran was the only one who would understand your situation. You tried to keep your breathing steady. What if it didn’t work? What if he hadn’t worked on the elixir at all? Your chest felt heavy but you worked on controlling your breathing.  _ Act natural, MC.  _

Daria pulled up to her house - though that was an understatement. It looked more like the mansion Jumin would have grown up in. The driveway in was almost half a mile after passing the gate. Once there, she gave you a quick tour of the house and basically told you the three of you were the only ones there. 

“We had employees that lived her but I just have them come in a couple of times a week now. I prefer living alone.“ Daria had explained. __ She took you to a room with its own private bathroom that felt bigger than your entire house. 

You would have enjoyed staying here if you weren’t so desperate to leave. 

“You probably want to have a shower, I know that’s the first thing I do whenever they discharge me. I’m going to go back to sleep, it is still pretty early for me. I’m sure Saeran can make you something to eat if you’re hungry.”

“Thank you” you said, grateful that she had let you stay at her place, had not asked too many questions, and that, unbeknownst to her, she was going to leave you alone with Saeran. You saw him exchange a few words with her before she disappeared down the hallway and he closed the door behind her, leaving you two alone. You sat on the bed while trying to gather your thoughts and prepared yourself to ask him something that should never be asked someone else. While you gathered your thoughts, you saw him walk over to a chair across the bed and sit, staring at you without saying a word. He put his hand out in gesture that said  _ ‘I’m waiting, go ahead’.  _

“I need you to send me back. Permanently” you said, trying to find a gentle way to ask him, in so little words, to end your existence in this world. He nodded with a knowing look, as if he had known all along that this would be the first thing you asked as soon as you were out. 

“I can’t guarantee that it’ll work” he said, his expression turning somewhat somber.

“I know.”

“You’ll have to die here and you might just die without staying in the other dimension”

“I’m willing to take the risk” you said, trying to sound confident but you knew deep down you were terrified of doing this.

“Are you sure? Don’t you have family, friends, anything here that can make you reconsider this?” 

“I can’t… I can’t think about her right now.” you said, thinking of your mother. She would be devastated when she found out you had left the psych ward and you had died. You wish you could explain the whole situation to her but it seemed impossible - no one in their right mind would believe what had happened to you and  you couldn’t blame her. You hated to leave her like this but you knew that if she had to die to be with you, she would do it. It was that kind of love that she had shown to you that you had for your daughter now and you knew Miyoung needed you now more than ever. 

“Maybe you should take some time to think things…”

“I can’t” you interrupted. “I don’t have time. The longer I wait the less important it is for me to be there.”

“What happened? What’s the urgency now?” he finally asked.

“I… I had a daughter” you manage to say, finally breaking down into tears. “She might die any minute now and I’m stuck here. I can’t be here. I can’t. She needs me. Zen needs me. I need them.” you say between gasps and tears. You tried to wipe the tears away but your desolation forced them out faster than you could get rid of them with your bare hands. 

“I see…” he said, walking in your direction. He offered you a tissue to wipe your tears “I wish I could understand your love for your daughter. I wish I had had a mother that showed me even an ounce of the love you have for your baby, so much that you’re willing to take such a risk for her.” he said, squatting at the edge of the bed, by your feet. You weren’t sure where he was going with this. Had he changed his mind about helping you? Did he not believe you? Did he not understand at all? You knew the bad history he had with his abusive mother but you never thought he would be heartless enough to negate your feelings. Before you had a chance to say anything, he continued on.

“At first, I thought my chances of knowing love were destroyed because no one had ever loved me. My mother never loved me, my father would have me killed if he found me. I thought Rika might love me but now I know she only abused me and took advantage of me. V just watched me from afar while I suffered and never lifted a finger, even though he was supposed to care for me.  The closest I thought was love came from my brother and even he abandoned me. And yet… I didn’t lose hope. I thought there might still be someone with the capacity to love me. So I dreamed and I coded and I created a girl who I thought would love me no matter what… someone with such a big heart, someone who had so much love to give me that I would drown in it. My whole life I looked and I dreamed that I would find her and when I first saw you… and you looked exactly how I had programmed you, you sounded how I heard you in my dreams, I was convinced that my prayers for love were finally answered…” he stood up and sat on the bed next to you before continuing. You wanted to interrupt, to say something, but he asked you to let him finish with a sign from his hand. “I know this is not what you want to hear right now. I know. Trust me, I just need to get it off my chest.” You nodded and anxiously waited. “I know I hurt you and I deceived you. I was so hurt that you would give your love to someone else, to the pretty boy from the RFA. I wasn’t even good enough for the girl I had created in my dreams. I was angry. I felt betrayed, yet again. I thought that if you only knew me you would see that I was the right one. That you were made for me.” 

You tried to speak again but he stopped you. 

“I saw you disappear in front of me when you left that dimension and in my despair I painfully became aware that you were not the one. The girl I had imagined would never leave me and I had no right to hurt you like I did. I was ashamed and angry that I had made such a mistake. I knew there was no return for me then so I did the only thing I that I thought would spare me from this life… and I took the elixir. I knew how much to take to knock someone out and I gave that to Saeyoung, just to keep him from stopping me. I took the rest, hoping to end my everlasting pain… and I dreamt of a new girl. A girl who would love me. A girl who had suffered like I had and would understand my pain... the right girl. And I found peace in the pain the elixir caused me and I...” he took a deep breath and looked away from you, almost in shame. After a few seconds he turned back to you and continued. “...I woke up here. And here you were again and yet you still were not the girl. But…” he said, stopping to a smile could creep on the corners of his lips. “But there she was… and I was able to find her.” he said, with a gentle smile resting on his lips. “And you sent her to me. You were the path I had to take to find her. I finally know what true love is thanks to you, MC” he said. “And so now I know and I understand why you would do anything to go back to those you love so desperately.” he looked at you and put his hand on your shoulder, affectionately. Despite his tender words, you knew your eyes offered only anguish. His next words, however, gave you the small solace you desperately needed:  

“I don’t know if this will work but I was able to replicate the elixir and I will help you” 

 

Zen stood outside the NICU, his eyes fixated on his daughter through the glass window. A somber expression clouding his lovely face. He longuily stared at Miyoung in her little sterile plastic box. They had covered her eyes with gauze to keep the light from blinding her. Her skin was so translucent her eyelids couldn’t protect her eyes. There was a new IV line providing antibiotics. The machine that showed her vitals had her temperature blinking in red - she had a fever.  _ Early onset infection  _ they had said, along with a lot of other medical terminology that he was unable to follow. The bottom line was that if she had had a 10% chance of making it before, it had drastically dropped to less than 1%. The nurses had all offered their condolences already. A feeling of utter impotence reeled through his veins, causing a whirlwind of emotions - anger, pain, desolation. The idea that she would be gone tonight was too much to bear. He just couldn’t do this anymore.

He tightened his hands into fists to try and relieve some tension but it didn’t help. He wanted to punch holes into every wall around him, but he knew in the end that wouldn’t help either. He walked away from the NICU and headed outside the hospital. It was still dark out, but the sun would rise soon. He walked around, seemingly aimlessly around the hospital. He saw people gathered around the parking lot - men in suits and what looked like it could be police units. He turned and walked the other way. Eventually, he found a set of stairs on the outside of the building, probably the fire escape. He climbed up over the fence, disregarding the sign that said keep out. He went up, 3, 4, 5 stories high. He kept going. His heart rate went up and he could feel his body warming up with the cardio. He was in such good shape, however, that he reached the roof, some 10 stories up, without yet breaking a sweat. 

The roof of the hospital was empty. There was a door that appeared to be locked but he didn’t bother to check it. He sat at the edge of the roof, his legs dangling down the entire height of the building. He pulled the things from the pockets of his jacket and stared at the things his old friend had brought over - the ingredients he needed to make the elixir. He still had a picture of the recipe saved in his phone, all he had to do was put it together. He checked his other pockets and found an old box of cigarettes, only one left with the lighter still in the box. He hadn’t worn this jacket in a few months, not since he had sworn off smoking for MC. 

He lit the fucking cigarette. 

It was the best he’d felt in the last few hours. MC was gone, who knew when she would come back. His daughter was very likely to die tonight. 

He took a deep drag of the cigarette and contemplated the things to make the elixir. He pulled the picture of the recipe on his phone and confirmed he had everything. 

He finished the cigarette and got to work. A few minutes later, he had about half a bottle of a light blue liquid that smelled like perfume. 

He drank every last drop of it. 

As he finished it, he almost hurled it back up. It didn’t seem to have any sudden effect. Nothing other than make him nauseous. The flavor was probably the worst thing he had ever had and it was very difficult to swallow. At least it didn’t smell too bad. 

He stood up and walked around. He felt fine. He headed towards the door and to his surprise it opened to a staircase. Zen walked downstairs and soon enough he was in the hallway of the 10th floor of the hospital. He found an elevator and headed to the NICU again.

When the elevator stopped, he felt dizzy for a second but recovered quickly. He walked the hallways and found the familiar doors he had been walking through since Miyoung was born. He finally reached the window where he could see her from afar - her little body was very still but there, barely noticeable, was an ounce of her shallow breathing. A nurse came over and checked her vitals, but her face only look sad as she did. She touched the corner of the box and when she looked up she saw Zen standing behind the window. The nurse walked over to the door, told him to wash up and to ‘put on a pair of those scrub tops in the first drawer’ and come in. 

Zen did as he was told. The nausea was slightly more noticeable now. 

When he took off his jacket and his sweater he felt dizzy again and it took longer to recover.  _ Was the elixir finally taking effect? _

He walked into the NICU and the nurse had him sit on a recliner chair that she had moved next to Miyoung’s incubator. 

“Try and stay still” the nurse said. She put the blanket that Ember had brought around Miyoung and very gently lifted her out of the incubator. Using both her hands she could completely cover Miyoung’s little body. She turned around and placed her gently on Zen’s chest. 

“I didn’t know I was allowed to…” Zen began but the nurse waved him off as she put the blanket on top of her. She was so light. The small movements of her hands and legs felt like butterfly wings caressing his skin. 

“If we don’t expect the baby to survive, we’d rather their last minutes be in the arms of their parent rather than hooked to an incubator” the nurse said, making sure all the cables attached to Miyoung had not disconnected “It is also somewhat of a last resort - it is called Kangaroo care. Sometimes the babies react positively to skin to skin contact.” 

Zen nodded gently, trying to commit to memory what it felt to have his daughter laying on his chest. He rested his head on the back of the chair and felt immediately lightheaded. He was glad that the recliner laid him almost completely horizontal and he didn’t have to worry about holding on to Miyoung. He was terrified that the slightest touch could hurt her paper thin skin. She laid perfectly on his chest, the only noticeable movements were her quick breaths and the gentle up and down of his own breathing. 

His eyes closed, ever so slowly. A pain began to creep up in his abdomen but he dared not move with Miyoung on his chest. He remembered Luciel mentioning how much his stomach hurt after taking the elixir and suddenly a pounding started in his head. It felt as if the room had gotten a few degrees hotter. 

_ I have to stay still.  _

His chest felt heavy, not because his daughter laid on it, but because it hurt to take deep breaths. He felt sweaty and chills ran down his spine. Had he developed a fever?

_ I can’t move, Miyoung… _

He closed his eyes. Every muscle in his body ached to change the position he was in, to try and find comfort, to roll onto his side and clench his abdomen. To throw up the elixir he had taken. He felt Miyoung’s hands move on his chest. If the elixir was going to work, this is how he chose to go. 

_ I won’t move, Miyoung...  _

Slowly, Zen succumbed into a feverish slumber as Miyoung lied upon him. 

  
  


Zen woke up in a place he had woken on many times before. That empty room with the foggy glass window, separating him from what he dreamed about the most. As he had done before, he walked up to the glass and touched it - it was as solid as it had ever been. Odd noises came from the other end - voices. Voices he had never been able to decipher. And just as it had been before, a dark shape stood close enough to the glass that he could make the shape of her. 

Her. 

His MC. 

He had yelled at the glass before, punched it, tried to break it, tried to find an edge or a door or anything that could possibly lead him through the glass… but he could never reach her. And she always stood there, perfectly blind and deaf to his calls for her. 

“MC” he whispered. He leaned his forehead against the cool glass and hoped this wasn’t where the elixir would leave him for eternity. It would be too cruel to feel her within his reach, yet never touch her, never hear her voice, never smell her hair.

This was his least favorite recurring dream of MC. 

Zen sat on the floor, leaning against the wall opposite to the glass so at least he could see her shape, just standing there.

_ Please don’t let this be eternity.  _ He hoped, but this dream never changed. She always stood there, like a perfect mannequin, forever still and unreactive. 

He was so used to seeing her so still he almost missed it when she bent her arm. He squinted his eyes and focused on her figure, he had seen it so many times in this dream he could draw her perfectly from memory.

Then she moved again. It was subtle, just a twitch of her head, but it was enough to make Zen’s heart leap from his chest.  _ She moved.  _

He jumped from the floor and rushed closer to the glass, staring at her intently. He could see her silhouette as usual but perhaps she looked more… solid than she ever had before. And then she moved again, this time her arm spread out around her, as if she couldn’t see anything. She took a step forward, away from where he was, and her body instantly seemed more subtle around the fogginess of the glass.

Zen did the only thing he could think of and banged on the glass with all his might. She had never heard him, seen him, or reacted to him in this dream but she had never moved either. He screamed and kicked and while he had any strength left in him he would punch his way through the thick glass if he could reach her. Yet she only walked even further away. It was no use, she had never been able to see or hear him through this glass. He saw her take a step further and he screamed her name, to no avail. 

Just as he began to sink into despair, an old advice came to his head:  _ You are the Strength. You must nurture and help her on this path and it will help you both…  _ _ Separate self interest from wisdom. You know better than to be selfish. Reconnect your soul to the spiritual plane. HELP HER.  _

Madame Stella’s words rang through his ears, as if she was speaking to him.  _ Reconnect your soul…  _

Zen closed his eyes and pressed his hands to the glass. It was slightly cold to his touch. He did his best to clear his mind and he called out to MC. He tried to push his thoughts, his heart, his soul, and everything he would give to just beg her to walk in his direction. He pushed the image of their daughter, of their time together, of the life he dreamed they’d always have. The life he refused not to have beside her. 

When Zen opened his eyes, MC was standing right across from him. He could see her face clearly and the tears streaming down her face. There was a desperation in her eyes, as if she was trying to find her way out but could not see it. 

_ Be her strength,  _

He pushed his thoughts into her again and pressed his hands harder onto the glass, as if he could just materialize through it. He pushed thoughts of Ember and Saeyoung, and the rest of the RFA members and her hands moved towards the glass hesitantly. She was  _ so close.  _

In the end, he pushed himself towards her. His heart, his love, and the way he felt when she looked at him. The way she smiled with his words and the twinkle in her eyes after he had kissed her. 

Finally, she touched the glass.

Unlike his hands, hers seemed to go through the glass as if it was a thick melting wax. But as soon as her fingers passed through the thickness of that solid wall, he touched her fingers and he could see her expression changed as she tried to frantically push the rest of her hands and arms through.

Once her hands were in his side, he held them and tried to gently help her push herself through. Inch by inch she slowly made her way through the thick wall until she stood completely on his side. Zen couldn’t help but pull her into his arms and hold her close. 

“I heard you calling me” she said, holding onto him. “I’m here. I’m here” she kept saying, her voice quiet, yet shaky. 

“Are you alright?” Zen said, pulling her away to look into her face.

“I’m fine, I’m here” MC said, giving him a smile. “I’m finally here”

 


	26. Let's Be Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At last, the last chapter of Don't Hesitate to Come Find Me! Sorry this took so long!!  
> I guess I should tell you to read through the hole thing before you give up on it and read my comments at the bottom.

His head was pounding fiercely as he opened his eyes. The light of the room sneaked through the crevice of his eyelids to make him regret trying to open them in the first place. He moved his hand to his face and slowly tried to open his eyes again. Where was he? What happened?

“Hey, hey, are you feeling alright?” a voice said, as he felt someone shuffling towards him. He opened his eyes and saw a nurse standing by the bed.

“You passed out in the NICU and we moved you to a room” the nurse said. “You were sweating and your blood pressure was very high but we gave you some fluids and you seem to be doing better. You probably hadn’t had anything to drink or any sleep for the last day or so. It seems you overdid it.”  Everything came back to him as if his memories were trying to flood his reasoning. The elixir, Miyoung, MC. _The dream. She crossed over._ Had it just been a dream? Had something finally changed?

“How is Miyoung?” Zen asked the nurse as he sat up on the bed.

“Let me get the doctor” she said, and walked out of the room before he had a chance to react. He felt a void in the pit of his stomach. They nurses had always answer him when he asked about her. He got out of the bed and it took him a second to find his footing. He walked to the bathroom and splattered some cold water on his face. He held onto the sink with all his gripping strength as leaning over the sink had made him lose his balance for a second.

When he looked up, he saw himself in the mirror. His hair was disheveled, he had bags under his eyes, and he looked so pale he wondered if he was just the ghost of his former self. He didn’t care. Only two things mattered to him anymore and he didn’t know if he still had any of them. He walked out the restroom and found his balance was better. He walked out of the room and didn’t see the nurse nearby so he did what he had been doing this whole time and just walked himself over to the NICU.

Every step made him feel like he was walking closer to heartbreak.

Heartbreak he might have to deal with alone.

The falling void in the pit of his stomach seemed to get worse the closer he got to the NICU. He noticed his steps were slowing down when he saw the sign at the end of the hallway. Was he too scared to find out what was going on?

Despite slowing down, he couldn’t stop. He had to know and face whatever was behind the door. Whatever destiny had prepared for him, no matter how painful. He stood at the doorway, hesitating, if only for a second, before opening the door.

* * *

She was so little and so fragile. The nurse had slowly and meticulously taken all the IVs and tubes off of Miyoung and gently wrapped her in the blanket Ember had given you. It felt like you could finally see her clearly for the first time. When the nurse put her in your arms, it took all the strength you had to use only the lightest touch. The doctor said it would happen fast because she was so small and you could hold her until then. It could take a few hours, most likely less.

Just like a whisper in the wind, you saw her chest barely moving. Her little arms curled up against her own body, her eyes closed shut. You could see every vein on her chest as it lightly moved up and down with every breath. Her entire hand was the size of the tip of your finger. The world seemed to have stopped around you - there was no sound or movement that could bother your senses into missing a second of Miyoung in your arms because this would be the only seconds you would have with her. _A brain bleed,_ the doctor said. There was nothing else they could do for her, except take her off life support and let her spend her last few moments in your arms.

There were some tears coming from your eyes but you had managed to quiet down your sobbing. You would cry when she wasn’t in your arms anymore. You would cry when you couldn’t see her. You would cry after, but not while she was still breathing in your arms. You kissed her forehead, ever so gently. You whispered your love, your affection, your reassurances. Every word hurt more than the previous one but the words were for her and for her only.

You didn’t notice when Zen walked into the room, only when he sat by your side and placed his arm around you. Had the doctor’s told him what happened to her? Did he know you were just waiting for her to slowly fade away in your arms? You felt him rest his forehead on your shoulder and not long after something wet trickled down your arm. He was crying, again. If it was possible for you to feel more heartbreak, you would have felt it then. Zen stretched out his arm and gently touched her head, the thin wisps of her pale hair following Zen’s fingertips.

Those few hours were both the longest and shortest hours of your life. It felt like time itself had stopped and every second hurt more than the next one but when you looked back to those moments they felt so excruciatingly short. You wanted more time. More seconds, more moments. More of her  breaths, her heart beats, her hands moving, her legs stretching. Everything she did would be forever ingrained in your memory with every painstaking detail.

You saw her breathing gradually slow down and her movements became less noticeable. You told her it was okay to be tired. That it was okay to slow down. That it was okay to stop struggling. That you loved her and you would always remember her. You whispered sweet and loving words that she could take with her, wherever her soul would go.

Her last breath came and went just like her other breaths had, except no other breaths followed. When her chest didn’t move anymore you just held her in the same spot, feeling as if your heart had stopped with hers. Eventually you couldn’t push back your tears anymore and you sobbed, wanting to scream but any sound stuck in your throat. Zen held you tighter and gently rocked you back and forth, doing his best to soothe you, yet you knew he felt just as broken as you did.

Eventually the nurses came and took her. You cried in Zen’s arms longer than you imagined you could have. Nothing you had ever gone through compared to what you were feeling at that moment. Eventually you fell into a haze and came in and out of consciousness. You mourned and sobbed any time you were awake and Zen was always there to hold you, often breaking down with you. Despite everything, at least you had a modicum of relief when you managed to get a couple of hours of sleep and still open your eyes to the same hospital bed, with Zen lying next to you. If you had returned to your reality to grieve alone, you didn’t think you could make it. And the idea that you would have left Zen alone to deal with this was unthinkable. At the very least, it seemed you were finally here for good.

The next day, they let you leave the hospital. You were physically ok, but emotionally drained.  The hospital asked if you wanted to arrange any funeral services for her or they could cremate her body. As painful as the choice was, you decided on cremation. It was a very intimate moment and since you still didn’t feel ready to share your grief or even talk with anyone other than Zen, neither of you invited anyone to the service. The hospital took care of arranging everything and allowed you to pick a reading to say your goodbyes. Zen had something in mind, from a book he read when he was young.

**_"In one of the stars, I shall be living. In one of them, I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night." (The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery)._ **

It seemed that everything was over faster than it should have and you left the hospital with a small bag of ashes. Your hands trembled when you held it but your grip was strong - you dared not drop it. You dared not let it go.

You hadn’t been back to Zen’s apartment since that night you woke up in  pain. You had always been so happy to open your eyes here and find Zen but it somehow felt so utterly empty now. Everything was the same, but now it just… it felt empty, lacking. But you knew it was you who really felt empty. Now what?

Zen walked past you and headed straight for his bedroom, where you heard him rummaging through things. Things. You made your way to his room and saw him packing things into bags. Things. Baby things. There weren’t very many, just a few clothing items and some small toys but it hurt to see the tiny socks and shoes your daughter would never be able to use. You couldn’t help it, you started to cry again. You were still holding on to the blanket Ember had given you and you pressed it to your chest, hugging the memory of Miyoung. You hadn’t called Ember or anyone to share the news. Zen had been on the phone a few times and you assumed that included talking to Ember and Saeyoung, and the rest of the RFA, but you just couldn’t mutter the words. You pressed the blanket to your chest, looking for some sort of respite, however, it had another unintended consequence - your breast milk leaked. Your breasts were sore and swollen, you hadn’t pumped the milk out and now it was leaking all over your clothes.

You rushed to the bathroom before Zen could see what had happened to and you stripped off your clothes, jumping into the shower. Once the scalding hot water had soaked your body, you forcefully squeezed the milk out of your breasts. At least, with the water running, you could barely see the milk landing on the floor and going down the drainage. The milk that was supposed to help her, but it hadn’t been enough.

Nothing had been enough.

You died to be here and it hadn’t been enough. Not enough time, not enough milk, or blood, or something. Nothing. What else could you do? What else could you have done? Had you not fought hard enough? Had you not given up enough? Was this the price you had to pay to stay here? You didn’t want it, not like this. Not like this. But there was nothing you could anymore, and she was gone just as quickly as she had arrived. You crumbled on the floor of the shower, letting the water rinse your body. The water was scalding hot, but it felt good. It helped to keep you from thinking about anything else, so you sat there in the shower, trying to think only of the water landing on your back. You don’t know how long you were in there before Zen turned the water off, stepped into the shower, and picked you up from the floor. He wrapped you in a towel and put you on his bed, cradling you in his arms. You both laid there for hours, no words spoken. There was no need. You both knew exactly how the other felt and all you could do was comfort each other.

Since then, every time your breasts leaked, you hid in the shower to spare Zen the reminder. At least, Zen wouldn’t have to see this, you could do that much for him. You knew he had given the news to Ember, Saeyoung, and the rest of the RFA but you just didn’t have the strength to talk to anyone other than Zen yet. You needed time to heal and move on before you could rejoin society.

Over the next few days, everything seemed so much harder to bear, so much harder to do. It took an exhausting amount of energy to shower, eat, or even get out bed. But on the days when it all seemed too much to bear, Zen was there for you, and on the days that Zen struggled. you were his respite. Eventually, going through the motions of day to day life began to have some normalcy.  You began to appreciate the habitualness life you had with Zen, knowing no one could understand everything you both had been through to get here. You began to make home cooked meals and he took you for runs at night. You both did the chores around the house and you helped him with his scripts. The grey cloud of grief that loomed over both of you pushed you to try and be the best you could be for each other. He became your anchor to reality and you knew you were the same thing for him.

Time passed and the pain slowly dwindled. The rawness of your grief dissipated but you knew the scars would be there forever. You thought your world had ended, but you found it hadn’t. The sun rose every morning and the clock still stroke midnight and noon. The stars still sparkled every night you went to Zen’s rooftop. One day, your smile returned to your lips and Zen smiled too when he saw you. Being here with him was still as magical as the first time he had smiled at you at that gas station. The pain and suffering you had endured together had pushed you closer, and the love you had for him only grew exponentially. His smile, his voice, his soul was everything you needed to be able to keep trekking on. It took a long time before you realized you didn’t think about her every day. That life would continue and you would continue with it. That there were still people that you loved and loved you and that happiness could still be found. In fact, happiness was at your fingertips, if you only embraced it. And after everything you went through, you deserved to bring some happiness back into your life and back into Zen’s life. It would take time, but there could still be a light at the end of the tunnel for you both.

One day, Zen returned home with a small box. A jewelry box, containing a pair of very special wedding bands. They were a rose gold that matched the engagement ring he had given you months before, with a tiny diamond on each band. You knew why the rings were so special - he’d had Miyoung’s ashes turned into diamonds and fitted into the bands. It was the best way to keep her as something beautiful, meaningful, and everlasting - much like the meaning of her name. She represented your union to Zen in more ways that one. You might not have risked everything in your life to stay here if she didn’t exist. You might not have fought your stay in the psych ward and you’d still be there. You might not have tried the elixir at all if you hadn’t been desperate enough to be here. It wasn’t that you didn’t love Zen enough to do it - but he’d made you promise you wouldn’t try such a reckless thing for him and you loved him enough to respect his wishes… but you knew, in your heart, you had to do everything you could to save your daughter, and that took precedence over any promises you had made him. And you knew he would understand that choice. In the end, it was her, who finally brought you into his arms and you vowed you would never waste a second of your time with him.

 

About a year later, you and Zen had a beautiful wedding ceremony. The RFA members were all in attendance, as well as Zen’s family, who had slowly returned to Zen’s life after they made amends. You could see that Hyun had embraced the idea of keeping his family close. He had missed his brother after being separated for so many years. Now that he was a moderately successful musical actor, his mother apologized for not believing that he could achieve that kind of success. It was a heartfelt apology and you could see that despite the errors in her ways, Zen’s mother had done what she thought was best for him. Zen knew this and after many reparations, he let her back into his life.

Zen’s success continued to grow and you supported him every step of the way. He began to make movies and his fans continued to grow exponentially. He never really quit the musical theater though, he had grown to love it too much. You had no complaints, as there was nothing that could make you smile more than seeing him perform live. The RFA changed its name to C&RFA, as Jumin took over as head of the association and gave it his company’s name. Zen became their main spokesperson, though Jaehee often had to take over if Zen was filming or rehearsing. Jaehee finally came around to like you, despite her initial overprotectiveness over Hyun.

It wasn’t until another year had passed that you and Hyun discussed having children again. It brought back up a lot of feelings and nostalgia but the timing was right and you both still wanted a family. It didn’t take very long for you to get pregnant once you stopped using protection. Zen hovered over you like a wolf protecting his cubs the entire time and never once let you out of his sight. As overwhelming as it was, you knew you had to allow him this reaction. This time, the pregnancy went smoothly and even giving birth was nowhere near as painful as the first time had been.

You had a daughter, and she was perfect. She was healthy, strong, and looked just like Zen, with scarlett eyes, fair skin, and wisps of white hair out of the top of her head. You named her Yumi and she instantly became the light in your eyes. Zen had fallen in love all over again and nothing could ever take the smile in his eyes when he saw you and his daughter, That’s when you knew that every tear you cried, every moment of loneliness you endured, every shattered hope, every headache, every doctor, every lie, everything you went through, had been worth it just to see him smile like that… Because you knew you were finally smiling with him.

 

#  **Chapter 26B: I’ll Always Be Right Here (Alternate Ending)**

 

His head was pounding fiercely as he opened his eyes. The light of the room sneaked through the crevice of his eyelids to make him regret trying to open them in the first place. He moved his hand to his face and slowly tried to open his eyes again. Where was he? What happened?

“Hey, hey, are you feeling alright?” a voice said, as he felt someone shuffling towards him. He opened his eyes and saw a nurse standing by the bed.

“You passed out in the NICU and we moved you to a room” the nurse said. “You were sweating and your blood pressure was very high but we gave you some fluids and you seem to be doing better. You probably hadn’t had anything to drink or any sleep for the last day or so. It seems you overdid it.”  Everything came back to him as if his memories were trying to flood his reasoning. The elixir, Miyoung, MC. _The dream. She crossed over._ Had it just been a dream? Had something finally changed?

“How is Miyoung?” Zen asked the nurse as he sat up on the bed.

“Let me get the doctor” she said, and walked out of the room before he had a chance to react. He felt a void in the pit of his stomach. They nurses had always answer him when he asked about her. He got out of the bed and it took him a second to find his footing. He walked to the bathroom and splattered some cold water on his face. He held onto the sink with all his gripping strength as leaning over the sink had made him lose his balance for a second.

When he looked up, he saw himself in the mirror. His hair was disheveled, he had bags under his eyes, and he looked so pale he wondered if he was just the ghost of his former self. He didn’t care. Only two things mattered to him anymore and he didn’t know if he still had any of them. He walked out the restroom and found his balance was better. He walked out of the room and didn’t see the nurse nearby so he did what he had been doing this whole time and just walked himself over to the NICU.

Every step made him feel like he was walking closer to heartbreak.

Heartbreak he might have to deal with alone.

The falling void in the pit of his stomach seemed to get worse the closer he got to the NICU. He noticed his steps were slowing down when he saw the sign at the end of the hallway. Was he too scared to find out what was going on?

Despite slowing down, he couldn’t stop. He had to know and face whatever was behind the door. Whatever destiny had prepared for him, no matter how painful. He stood at the doorway, hesitating, if only for a second, before opening the door.

* * *

 

You had woken up in the hospital bed, in the same place where you had passed out before. A nurse was just walking into the room and she jumped when she saw you.

“I thought you weren’t in here!” she said, bringing a hand to her chest. You felt weak and lightheaded, more so than when you had first lied down. You tried to stand up, but almost fell, if it wasn’t because the nurse caught you. “Where are you trying to go?”

“I need to see my daughter or Zen” you said, as she pushed you back into the bed.

“I’ll take you to the NICU in the wheelchair.” The nurse said, grabbing the chair from the corner of the room and rolling it over to the side of the bed. “We let your husband do some kangaroo care but he promptly passed out so we put the baby back in the incubator. We can do it with you if you’d like”

“He passed out? Is he alright?” You asked.

“He’s fine. We put him in a room and gave him some saline, he was very dehydrated” she said, as she brought you into the NICU.

She had you lie on a recliner and wiped down your chest with some gel.

“How is she?” you asked the nurse, as she gently put her on your chest. She was so small and so light you worried that even touching her could hurt her so you just let her gently rest on your chest.

“She’s… as well as can be expected. She had a bit of an infection but it seems to have improved with the antibiotics. She seems to respond well to her dad’s blood transfusions, he must have some good antibodies”. The nurse said, making sure all the cables coming out of Miyoung weren’t tangled or twisted. You smiled - of course Zen’s blood would keep her alright. As she laid on your chest, you could barely see her face - the tubes from being intubated covered most of it, Her breathing was fast but the nurse said that was normal. Her skin felt paper thin and it made you so nervous to even touch her.

“Just be gentle. She’s fragile, but gentle touching is ok”  the nurse said. “I’ll be right outside if you need me”. You nodded in understanding.

It didn’t take long before Zen walked over to the NICU. He looked like he hadn’t slept for days but as soon as he saw you his face lit up. He walked over to your side and kissed your forehead, gently caressing the back of your head.

“How is she?” he asked, quietly, looking at Miyoung resting on your chest.

“It seems like she is responding really well to your blood transfusions” you whispered back to him, a weak smile on your face.

“Of course” Zen said. “It must be because of how good I am at healing quickly”

You smiled. Perhaps things would be alright after all.

 

Miyoung continued to thrive in the NICU but it still took 3 months for the hospital to discharge her. You and Zen went to the hospital every day and you both tried to stay there as long as possible. At one point Zen had to return to work. You often stayed alone at the hospital while he worked and this made for longer nights, leaving you alone with your thoughts. You wondered what happened to your body in the other dimension and you hoped your mother hadn’t been too distraught by your death. You know your actions probably caused her great pain but you hoped she would forgive you if she understood the position you were in. It still broke your heart to think of her but you had to be strong for your daughter now and you knew you had made the right decision. Sometimes, Zen’s brother* (*Sangmook) would come to the hospital to see Miyoung. You knew things were still not great between Sangmook and Hyun because most of the time he came to the hospital during Zen’s shows, perhaps to avoid seeing him. He often brought home cooked meals that you assumed were made by Zen’s mother, since it seems he was still single but he mentioned he didn’t cook. Talking to Sangmook gave you an insight on how Zen’s relationship had been strained with his family. He told you how he had quietly followed Hyun over the years, just to make sure he was ok. He told you how at times he had sent him fanmail with money when he knew he was struggling to make ends meet but begged you not to tell him. Talking to him for a while really showed you how he felt terrible guilt over letting Hyun leave home and drop out of school without fighting for him. This, and many other things he told you which moved you to help him reestablish his relationship with his family.

Once Miyoung was deemed suitable to go home, you finally felt that things were turning in your favor. They had told you she might have to go home with oxygen but she was doing so well they let her go without. In those 3 months, she had gained so much weight and she had gotten so much bigger that it was hard to believe she had ever been so small. Her laughter was the most intoxicating sound you had ever heard and seeing Hyun with her always made your heart melt.

About a year later, you and Zen had a beautiful wedding ceremony. The RFA members were all in attendance, as well as Zen’s family, who had slowly returned to Zen’s life after they made amends. Zen’s mother was absolutely in love with Miyoung and visited often once Hyun began to feel comfortable with it. You could see that Hyun had embraced the idea of keeping his family close and you were glad that this was the case. Now that he was a moderately successful musical actor, his mother apologized for not believing that he could achieve that kind of success. It was a heartfelt apology and you could see that despite the errors in her ways, Zen’s mother had done what she thought was best for him.

Zen’s success continued to grow and you supported him every step of the way. He began to make movies and his fans continued to grow exponentially. He never really quit the musical theater though, he had grown to love it too much. You had no complaints, as there was nothing that could make you smile more than seeing him perform live. The RFA changed its name to C&RFA, as Jumin took over as head of the association and gave it his company’s name. Zen became their main spokesperson, though Jaehee often had to take over if Zen was filming or rehearsing. Jaehee finally came around to like you, despite her initial overprotectiveness over Hyun.

It wasn’t until another year had passed that you and Hyun discussed having children again. It didn’t take very long for you to get pregnant once you stopped using protection. Zen hovered over you like a wolf protecting his cubs the entire time and never once let you out of his sight. As overwhelming as it was, you knew you had to allow him this reaction. This time, the pregnancy went smoothly and even giving birth was nowhere near as painful as the first time had been.

You had another girl, and she was healthy, strong, and again, looked just like Zen, with scarlett eyes, fair skin, and wisps of white hair out of the top of her head. You named her Yumi and loved her immediately. You could see that Zen had fallen in love all over again and nothing could ever take the smile in his eyes when he was his his daughters. That’s when you knew that every tear you cried, every moment of loneliness you endured, every shattered hope, every headache, every doctor, every lie, everything you went through, had been worth it just to see him smile like that… Because you knew you were finally smiling with him.

 

oh, also, I made some fanart

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a ride this has been. I should tell you that for me, the true ending of my story is the 'normal' ending because to get the April Fool's ending that leads to this spin off fanfic, you need to get the normal ending in the April's Fools DLC.  
> I had intended to post this over the weekend but a friend told me I was being too cruel... so, in the very fashion of Mystic Messenger, I decided to provide you with two similar, yet significantly different endings to this story. Also, I don't want you to think I'm entirely heartless!! After all, I wrote this fic to give Zen the happy ending he didn't get in normal ending of the DLC.  
> I know I probably left plot holes all over the place. Please ask me any questions in the comment section and I’ll be more than happy to answer them!  
> Also, I apologize for hardly mentioning Ember and 707 in the final chapter but honestly, I don't know what is happening after the cliffhanger of Selfish so until that comes out, I didn't want to assume anything.
> 
> Thank you ALL for your precious comments, support, and praise. This fandom has been amazing and I love you for reading this insane fic I came up with on the day I finished playing the silly DLC of an otome game.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Selfish](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13518267) by [DreamWalker84](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamWalker84/pseuds/DreamWalker84)




End file.
